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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
Mummylife2018 · 30/12/2018 16:54

My now-ex boyfriend does this, it's torture. I have sobbed and sobbed over it.

Please please pleeeeeease address this with your son before it becomes ingrained behaviour and he grows up emotionally abusing his future partners

CottonTailRabbit · 30/12/2018 17:01

If it's easier if he's in sulk mode then put him in sulk mode. You've spent so many years learning how to avoid it that triggering it should be easy. Maybe stay up late watching TV he hates. I bet you can think of a hundred tiny things that anyone else would shrug off but he would punish.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 17:11

God yes you are right. Turn over in bed without trapping the cover so he doesn't get a little cool air.

Stay up tonight and make some noise when I go to bed.

Not bother making dinner.

Cut something with the wrong knife.

Cough in bed without hiding my head under the covers to dampen it.

...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/12/2018 18:06

Oh the freedom to cough.

Honestly OP, when you are ready, some really nice, normal man is going to absolutely adore you and you are going to have fun and laugh and be able to cough when you want to. One day...

RandomMess · 30/12/2018 18:15

Start being selfish, you'll soon be getting the silent treatment again.

TotesEmoshTerri · 30/12/2018 18:33

So he goes into a depressed state, and you're supposed to ask him why and help him? Fuck that noise!

Not so funny that way is it.

headinhands · 30/12/2018 20:00

*turn over in bed without trapping the cover so he doesn't get a little cool air.

Stay up tonight and make some noise when I go to bed.

Not bother making dinner.

Cut something with the wrong knife.

Cough in bed without hiding my head under the covers to dampen it*

You shouldn't have to live like this. No one should.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 20:02

@TotesEmoshTerri not sure I understand?

OP posts:
TotesEmoshTerri · 30/12/2018 20:46

It feels like there is no sympathy on MN for "sulkers" even though it can well be a genuine emotional reaction and not merely an attempt at control. I'm pretty sure most people who get caught in sulks don't actually want to be there.

Upordown · 30/12/2018 21:10

TotesEmoshTerri but only 'the sulker' can reach for the help needed to resolve their inappropriate emotional reaction to life's challenges. That's what adults do. It's hard to change entrenched behaviour, but there are consequences to not doing so...

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 21:11

@TotesEmoshTerri
I think this is the wrong thread for you

Ineweverything · 30/12/2018 21:12

Because 'sulking' is not an emotion, it's a behaviour.
And despite all efforts to show him that it was destroying their marriage, he persisted.
OP, don't feel guilty. Your H destroyed your relationship. I had a BF like this once, and we planned to marry. Reading this thread reminds me of him and I'm sooo glad he's my ex. I spent years trying to make it work too. It is emotional abuse.

Tinkie25 · 30/12/2018 21:28

Just read the whole thread and wanted to wish you all the best OP

Underworld345 · 30/12/2018 22:26

I keep checking in on this thread for updates. Keep them coming OP.

Needsmorebeans · 30/12/2018 22:36

@TotesEmoshTerri
Sulking is a way of controlling people, punishing them, making them anxious. It's not an emotion like sadness or anger. It disappears completely when the target of the sulk is removed. No one sulks alone in a room, it requires an audience. I had this once from an ex as a way of controlling what I wore, where I went, who i saw. It destroyed my confidence, it's emotional abuse.

TotesEmoshTerri · 30/12/2018 23:13

Because 'sulking' is not an emotion, it's a behaviour.

Crying is a behaviour. So... people who cry are to be ignored and are just trying to control? Not everyone can control how they express their emotions. I say this as both a crier and sulker myself. Good that the rest of MN are robots who can control this stuff!

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 23:14

@TotesEmoshTerri
Start your own fucking thread ffs

TotesEmoshTerri · 30/12/2018 23:17

So I wonder.. are you expressing a negative emotion or a behaviour here in order to control the narrative to whatever you prefer? Hmm

TotesEmoshTerri · 30/12/2018 23:18

No one sulks alone in a room, it requires an audience

Not even vaguely true for some. I can be in a sulk all day. It's a feeling, not something I can turn on and off.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 23:27

The thing is, my H can totally control these "sulks" because they are directly aimed at least and he can switch them off when he needs/wants to.

For example on my birthday weekend he chose to spend the whole day in bed because I disagreed with his proposed change of plan and I wasn't grateful enough that he had come away.

The next day he switched it off for a few hours while we had lunch with his aunt, then switched it back on again immediately afterwards for the next 2 days.

At any point he could also have "chosen" to get over himself and try and see the bigger picture - ie I was grieving and had clearly announced I was upset, it was also a celebration FOR me - last year's birthday had been spent clearing out my dad's room after he died the night before.

I get what you are saying about the depressed state, and in the past I have tried to find out what was wrong or look after my H.

But he has admitted to me, or even boasted about the fact that he does this to " punish" me.

I have always accepted my share of responsibility in the disagreement in the past, and have spent a lot of time soul searching trying to work out what I had done to tip him into this state.

I'm done with that now, he has made absolutely no effort to try and change this behaviour, because as my therapist and pp have said, he gets benefits from this behaviour.

I have done a lot of work over the last 2 years to try and see his point of view and to adapt myself to his needs for the sake of our marriage and children.

He has done absolutely nothing, and has never apologized once, even when I laid it out to him about how hurt, lost and lonely I feel when he is like that.

I apologized for not asking after him and checking what was wrong but I think in this instance I can be excused.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 30/12/2018 23:41

You've been pretty miserable for quite a long time now jamais. If I've read correctly, your DH has done fuck all to help you be happier. In fact he has admitted to deliberately making you unhappy. He has sought no help to change his behaviour.

I have to say I'm not seeing why a pp thinks his unhappiness means you have to mother him for all time no matter what he does, whereas you should not expect the same from him when you are unhappy. Why would anyone accept that deal?

Totes Sorry to hear you feel you can't control your sulks. That is sad for you. It doesn't mean anyone else has to put up with you doing it until death do you part though.

Needsmorebeans · 31/12/2018 01:17

@Totes
Not even vaguely true for some. I can be in a sulk all day. It's a feeling, not something I can turn on and off.

That's not a sulk, it may be bad mood, a symptom of depression but it's not a sulk. Sulking is conscious behaviour designed to punish through lack of communication. Do you work, have children, have to interact socially at shops etc? When sulking do you take the day off work, not take kids to school, not go to shops? No, sulkers can choose who and how to interact with. They can switch it on and off.

Weenurse · 31/12/2018 01:30

Time to be single

headinhands · 31/12/2018 07:24

Sulking is different to moping. I nope if I'm feeling meh. But I'm talking to people as normal. Sulking is usually targeted at a person or persons. It's passive aggression on steroids.

why100000 · 31/12/2018 08:31

My ex used to give me the silent treatment for weeks and weeks at a time - there might be two or three episodes like this a year, but each would equate to about 6 weeks of his not talking to me minimum. Until I wrote him an email begging him to start talking.

He was abusive in other ways as well, but the silent treatments were a major factor in our divorce.

He moved out in April and I have had my decree absolute for a month or two now. Though things are not easy, my life is much better than it was.

Giving someone the silent treatment is punishing, highly manipulative and toxic.

My ex and I are no contact now as I cannot trust him not to he unpleasant and send me back into a pit of despair. I am much stronger than I was, and much happier without walking on eggshells around him.