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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/12/2018 13:35

Try not to react to whatever tactic he uses. And he will use them all. Stay safe, have your phone in your hand when you tell him and be near an open door just in case you need to leg it.

midsomermurderess · 28/12/2018 15:06

Rosa, you can use the 'I'm watching' function.

headinhands · 28/12/2018 15:39

Remember, he doesn't have to agree that he has been awful.

So true. Horrid people don't think they're cruel and don't worry about others seeing it as so. It's the good ones that worry about how you feel.

Servalan · 28/12/2018 16:04

Only read the beginning and end of this thread but just wanted to send strength and say that it's not OK to put up with this type of shit. I was married to a sulker and my mental health suffered hugely. Sulking is not a productive way of sorting things out - it is a form of power-play and is cruel and eroding. Good to see that you are putting your foot down Flowers

ChristmasFlary · 28/12/2018 21:09

Did you cancel New Year?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 28/12/2018 22:10

I don't know, I went out with the kids.

I think he hasn't, I do not have all the emails.

We are travelling home tomorrow.

Gah this is so hard, he is now being normal again and great with the kids and with family friends who have come round.

I should have seized the chance and insisted on cancelling new year. Xmas Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/12/2018 22:17

Eh you still can insist on it???

CitrusFruit9 · 28/12/2018 22:30

It's fine, you got through Christmas and you can get through New Year too. Enjoy seeing your friends and ignore him as much as possible. Make your move when you are ready, not anyone else's timing.

But just remember, he is being nice now not because he has suddenly magically become a nice person but because he is on the back foot. He can see you have not come to heel as usual so he is trying to reel you in by being nice. My EA exH was never so nice as when he realised that he had pushed me too close to the edge.

I'd recommend you say nothing to your exH until absolutely everything is ready to go. Move your and DC stuff out when he is absent, then either leave him a note or arrange to meet him somewhere public like a coffee shop and tell him. Then immediately tell all your friends, colleagues and relatives so that he can't mislead anyone. Remember, he does not cross the threshold of your new house, ever. At the point at which he loses his control over you a man is at his most dangerous.

Sounds like overkill but I promise this is based on my experience and those of several other women I have supported to leave horrible men.

NonvalidUsername · 28/12/2018 23:13

I just found this thread and I wanted to say that I am the daughter of a man who sounds exactly like your husband. I'm now in my 40s but my childhood was fraught with anxiety and I have issues from it that I will never get over. My parents are in their 70s and my mum is deeply unhappy and basically waiting for him to die. They still have the same toxic dynamic they had 30 years ago, and haven't moved on in any way, and my brother has never really escaped it either. I was lucky to meet someone who convinced me it's not a normal way to live. You are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and your children. Good luck OP.

beansontoastfortea · 28/12/2018 23:37

You're a real inspiration OP

The silent treatment is a horrible form of abuse that leaves you always wondering what you did, unsure, tense, treading on eggshells.

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 04:41

Good luck with New Years

Weezol · 30/12/2018 04:45

I'd recommend you say nothing to your exH until absolutely everything is ready to go. Move your and DC stuff out when he is absent, then either leave him a note or arrange to meet him somewhere public like a coffee shop and tell him. Then immediately tell all your friends, colleagues and relatives so that he can't mislead anyone. Remember, he does not cross the threshold of your new house, ever. At the point at which he loses his control over you a man is at his most dangerous.

Sound advice. I strongly recommend this approach.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 09:51

Yes, in the end, keeping up the Nye party buys me time.

I will ring the house this afternoon to find it if it's ok to rent it and when I can move some stuff in.

At the moment I am planning to tell him on Wednesday this week while both kids are out.

We had another (3rd?) "Cuddle conversation" this morning when he lived in for a cuddle in bed, I moved away, and then he kept asking why.

I said I had already explained.

He said "you said you needed space but not why".

So I reexplained that what happened on my birthday weekend had really upset me and that I needed time to think.

I said we would talk after new year.

OP posts:
mummyhaschangedhername · 30/12/2018 12:33

Stay strong OP. it must've exhausting for you. Hope everything goes smoothly with the house.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 13:31

Thanks @mummyhaschangedhername

Feeling really hesitant again today because He is being normal and nice.

Am going to reread the thread to keep my nerve but I am so so nervous about telling the kids and also worried I'm making a big mistake.

OTOH I keep thinking about living in the house I've seen and it feels like the right thing, even though it will be such a wrench to leave our lovely house here.

I have absolutely no wish to make plans with H or do things (DIY) in the house which I think is a sign I am moving on in my head.

The reality of losing a ton of friends and having noone to call "family" in this country is hitting me too - even though I wouldn't want to move back to the UK.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 13:32

@nonvalidUsername

Thanks for sharing, it's helpful and your experience will keep me on track I think.

Need to call the house this afternoon while H is out with the DC.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 30/12/2018 13:38

You won't necessarily lose a ton of friends and all the family.

I have friends where I got "custody" of the friemd when they split up even though we met through their partner.

DH sometimes goes for a beer with my ex-BIL (the man my sister divorced).

Nevertheless, making a bunch of new friends in 2019 could be hugely therapeutic.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 13:43

@cottontailrabbit it's true I know h's sister will stay in touch, she has seen this behaviour close up on several occasions and called him on it already.

In fact this time last year I remember telling her that if he gave me the silent treatment again, I would walk.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/12/2018 13:48

Feeling really hesitant again today because He is being normal and nice.

Of course he is. This is one of the tactics designed to lure you back in. When it doesn't work he will stop being nice. Just wait and watch.

He will probably put on the perfect host, doting father, loving husband act at new year in front of everyone. But the mask will slip. You know it will, it always does.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 14:05

Yes @Fairynuff pretty sure he will.

Which is why I should have maybe cancelled new year because it will be hard to keep my distance and my nerve with him doing all the right things.

He has meal planned, done the shopping with me, and spoken to everyone to organise who brings what.

They are all people who like and admire him.
I need to ring about the house and confirm so that it feels like no going back.

Actually Christmas was easier because he was being sulky and withdrawn so I could keep my nerve.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/12/2018 15:22

Which is why I should have maybe cancelled new year because it will be hard to keep my distance and my nerve with him doing all the right things.

All this does is prove that his behaviour is a choice. He is in control and he is choosing to treat you badly. He can turn it off and on whenever he likes.

You can still cancel new year if you want. You can be terribly ill with the runs and not want to pass it on to anyone else Wink

headinhands · 30/12/2018 15:41

Actually Christmas was easier because he was being sulky and withdrawn so I could keep my nerve.

Just think. Next year you won't have to spend it with someone who mentally punishes you by sulking, and has explicitly told you that.

I've spent Christmas laughing my head off with dp and having a lovely laid back time. That's what it should be like (unless you've got other huge shit going on). Your dp should be your greatest source of comfort and strength in the world. Not the source of the worst feelings.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/12/2018 16:00

@headinhands I find it so hard to imagine that kind of relationship, but you're right,bit should be like that and not constant second-guessing and trying to keep him happy.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/12/2018 16:33

Neither DH and I are wonderful but we still enjoy each other's company, laugh a lot (usually at each other) and his sulking as long since disappeared probably after we'd lived together 2 years!

Told him I wasn't putting up with it and he either tells me what is wrong or I would ignore him. So now he's only quiet/withdraws when he's ill.

Seriously smell the freedom!

AlsoBling2 · 30/12/2018 16:44

I was on this thread with a different name earlier. Just want y9 say well done for taking control and believing you have the right to more respect than you have previously had.

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