Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

Same old same old. His life choices remain the same.

He chooses, by his own admission, to upset you on purpose. Yet he chooses to hide it in front of other people because he knows he's a dick (and because it works - you have always been grateful for days of niceness instead of angry at the choice).

I wouldn't be wanting a cuddle either, well, not from him.

He's turned back into a recluse today, barely acknowledging me.

In some ways that makes it easier because I don't have to interact with him.

In the other hand I still have a week to go realistically before I can tell him.

Plus despite all the pain it actually feels like I'm about to chip one of my arms off, we've been together for more than 20 years, he knew my granny and my dad before they died, all that history will be gone.

Sorry, just feeling emotional and sad and not very festive - but it's great to be with family and the kids are having a ball.

Well now you know he'll never change.
What a loser he is.
Look forward to offloading him in 2019.

Look up the sunk cost fallacy.
I know you’re already decided on the change which is great, but it’s an interesting concept as to why we all stay too long
Have a lovely day tomorrow.

Thank you both. The decision is made in my head but I'm still wavering, it's true that the fact that he has made no attempt to talk about things at all just proves there is no change possible, which is what the books I have just read all say.

For others in a similar situation, the human magnet book mentioned above by a pp is worth a read. Lundy Bancroft is brilliant and I highlighted so much in it when I reread it, bit it's quite hard to label your H of 18+ yes "an abuser".

The human magnet talks about givers and takers, but it seems that while the givers have potential for growth and change, which I think has happened for me, the narcissistic takers very rarely admit they have a problem and so will not seek help to change.

You have spent wasted years hoping he would stop being a dickhead if only you could find the right words, the right technique, the right magic wand.

Hope is powerful. Saying goodbye to your dear old friend Hope will be a wrench. Hope has been your crutch for years.

So true @cottontailrabbit

Thanks for all your tough advice on this thread, it has really helped me.

Merry Christmas everyone. X

Yes hope is a very damaging thing sometimes. We cling onto it like a life raft

Once you step back from any situation you realise that hope and fear are the only things that have kept you going

Merry Christmas

Thinking of you

There is something called 'false hope'.

False hope being when we keep hoping he will change. Sometimes he will play with our emotions as he does it.
I do hope that your Christmas was good.

Thank you. Yes Christmas was good, it was the first after a bereavement but the kids made it great fun. Still enjoying being with family today.

Hope you all had fun too.

So after another attempted cuddle in bed and another, "are you still angry?" in a mocking voice, H has now asked if we should cancel the New year's dinner party we had planned.

I said "maybe" and will probably ask him to do it later on today or do it myself.

This is the longest I've been openly "angry" or upset with him so I'm guessing he's finally realising I'm serious.

We are going home tomorrow which means I guess we can finally talk about it. I am relieved (I think) because I was dreading getting through new year's eve.

Cancelling New Year would be brilliant - you wouldn’t have to put on a mask and wade through it.

Next year is going to be a massive, wonderful change. Ok, so shared history won’t be there. But life is too short to be miserable

It sounds like he's trying to restore the previous status quo jam and hasn't really worked out yet that you have seen the truth.

Well done on maintaining your balance and perspective. Watch out for the games he will play to get you engaged when he works out you are more indifferent to him.

I hope you manage to cancel the NY dinner party.
I'm glad Christmas turned out OK for you as well.
New year.
New plans.
Good luck OP.

Mocking voice? FFS the man doesn't give any fucks about your feelings whatsoever.

Are you sure you want to talk to him about it before you've got your exit sorted?

If I can't move in straight away to the house I have seen (probably the case), I do have friends who would put me up if I needed to get out of the house.

I really just want to get on with it now.

so sorry to read how he is treating you, not the actions of a decent man.

Replying to your question up thread about what you can say to make him understand... he understands alright, he does it because it works well for him.

You can only show him. I would encourage you to get your ducks in a row, then, when you are ready, tell him that it stops now or you will leave. If he ever sulks again, no matter how lightly, follow through. Its bad enough you being subject to this nonsense, but for the DC to be learning to placate is really not on. All the very best.

.

When you do talk to him about what is happening, don't let him distract you by talking about whether particular actions we're unreasonable or not.

The over riding problem is that he is cruel. He likes to suck the joy out of life for you.

This isn't something that he can change, as you have proved. So, it is best for everyone's wellbeing for you to distance yourself so he can't do it any more.

Remember, he doesn't have to agree that he has been awful. You don't have to say it all again either. He knows. After all he does it on purpose.

I am not happy. I have not been happy for a long time now and don't see anything changing so I am going for a divorce.

I am coming round to the idea that he will never see that he has been cruel and abusive and that there is no point trying to make him see that.

So yes, the conversation needs to be, "I'm not happy, I've tried very hard to make things work but nothing has changed. I want us to separate and I will move out adap".

ASAP!!!!