Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
Charron · 20/12/2018 20:17

Whether you leave him now or in the future you will more than likely leave him eventually, unless you want to put up with his sulks and nasty behaviour all your married life. The reason you would be better leaving him now is so your sons don’t learn to become sulky abusers to their wives or DPS in the future.

CottonTailRabbit · 20/12/2018 20:32

He is the type of man who punishes you. There is bugger all chance of you saying and doing things in a way that makes him play nicely in the break up. His utter determination to dominate you is the reason you are splitting up.

If you want a fair deal in the divorce that will come from taking your shit hot lawyer's advice not from appeasing the bully with magic words.

That hasn't ever worked in your whole marriage. It isn't going to happen now. Get yourself out of the appeasement mindset. It does not and has never resulted in good long term outcomes for you.

simplepimple · 20/12/2018 21:02

Get yourself out of the appeasement mindset. It does not and has never resulted in good long term outcomes for you.

This is true of all of us who believe putting other people's feelings before our own is the way to love and be loved.

It just doesn't work this way.

Cath2907 · 20/12/2018 21:38

I left my husband for v. Similar reasons in October. I just told my DD that I love her but no longer want to live with her Dad. She was sad, I was stunned and felt guilty.... for a few weeks it was hell and I wondered every day if I’d done the right thing. I almost took it back once or twice and then he’d do something little but incredibly selfish and prove I was right to call it quits. Good luck but stick with it. It is hard but sitting here on my own sofa without the knot in my stomach is worth it!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 21/12/2018 17:57

Seen the house and I like it and can see us living there.

This makes it very real though, if I call and commodities to it, then there's no going back.

I am super scaredXmas Sad

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 21/12/2018 19:06

I would take the house.

His behaviour when you leave will influence your future, you can always decide to continue with your marriage and move back.

I would tell him you are moving out to consider your options.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 21/12/2018 19:33

Have texted the owner, she knows I am going away. She is happy to talk to me after the 31st December.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/12/2018 20:12

Go for it, the future is bright, the future is free...

Weenurse · 21/12/2018 21:14

Good luck

CottonTailRabbit · 22/12/2018 07:38

Good luck. Freedom beckons.

LizzieSiddal · 22/12/2018 08:07

If you are having doubts, read back your posts in this thread, especially the first few.
Remind yourself of how your H’s behaviour is effecting you and your children. You are bound to feel scared about leaving, but you are scared now, all the time, incase you set him off on a sulk.

You deserve to live free of that nonsense, and so do your children.

CottonTailRabbit · 22/12/2018 08:48

Has he realised you've snapped? Is he making ludicrously bad attempts to get you back in your box through a combination of carrot and stick?

2018SoFarSoGreat · 22/12/2018 08:54

Jamais have lurked but now must post. You can do this. You are almost there. You are so worth it. 👌

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/12/2018 09:13

I did not think he's realised I've snapped, he's making tons of plans for January.

But this morning he tried to get me to come for a cuddle and I refused and got up.
He then said "are you still angry?" In a not very serious tone. I just got up and left the room.

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 22/12/2018 09:31

Good luck op. Sounds like freedom beckons...

Stormy76 · 22/12/2018 10:58

Whilst I understand why you are behaving like that with him, you are actually doing what he does to you. Pulling away, withdrawing affection, not speaking. I don't understand why you are waiting until after Xmas to do this? Plans can be changed, the breakup will be extremely painful no matter when you do it, do you think that your kids will be pleased with the fake family Xmas when you split in Jan? It will be harder for them because they will realise that it was all a lie and pretend.

You have found somewhere to live and have finances sorted, tell him you are leaving him temporarily or otherwise and take the kids and go. You are not doing anyone any favours by carrying on with this facade.

Fairenuff · 22/12/2018 11:04

He knows that you are still angry. He knows that he's been bullying you for years and years. He still expects you to accept it because that is the norm in your relationship.

He will cycle through his tactics now, trying to hit on the one that brings you back into line. He may sulk again but not for too long because if he sees it's not working he will change tack and be more caring and fun. When that doesn't work he will get angry again. There's no way he will get through Christmas without another incident so be prepared for that.

Have you told your family yet? They will be able to help and support you.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/12/2018 11:39

@stormy76 I hear you about withdrawing, I thought that myself this morning and do have been normal but distant - so eye contact, normal conversation and chat but no physical contact.

This "take" Christmas won't be any more or less fake than previous ones, in fact last year was much worse, I had just lost my dad, H went into a sulk and ignored me for the week, I was crying in the bedroom when all the guests arrived at pil's.

One more week of it makes no difference and I actually don't have somewhere to go just yet if things get really bad, nothing is settled on the house and the owner is the other end of the country at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/12/2018 11:42

@Fairynuff, yes I'm expecting him to be difficult at Christmas but for the moment he is being super dad and may well keep this up all week plus through nye.

I thought he might sulk this morning and I think he was in the verge of it but I just carried on as normal and he has snapped out of it.

It's very freeing to not give a stuff if he's in a mood or not. I wish I'd got to this point years ago, perhaps it could have saved the relationship.

OP posts:
simplepimple · 22/12/2018 12:15

There is no rush jama - take your time. Realising what is actually going on can be difficult.

There is also no need to justify your decisions here.

It's amazing that you can see through his attempts to continue to maintain the control.

You are doing great. [even in the wobbly moments]

Travisandthemonkey · 22/12/2018 12:29

No nothing would have saved this relationship
Good luck op. I hope Xmas is ok

WilburforceRaven · 22/12/2018 12:48

The only think he'll ever be sorry about it losing his emotional punching bag.

MrsLandingham · 22/12/2018 14:21

It's very freeing to not give a stuff if he's in a mood or not. I wish I'd got to this point years ago, perhaps it could have saved the relationship.

I agree (with the freeing bit, not the saving the relationship bit.) Shortly before we divorced, I realised that my XH was passive-aggressive. It was actually quite amusing at times to watch him sulk, issue orders & try to manipulate me throughout the divorce. He was so used to my backing down to appease him that he really struggled with the change.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 23/12/2018 09:14

So yesterday during the journey H was being his usual huffing and puffing self and then today with family he is being great.

When he wanted to cuddle up this morning I asked him nicely to give me some space to think because the weekend away had really upset me.

No particular reaction, he's just being normal friendly, but we are around family anyway.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2018 10:00

He's completely in nice mode ensuring that he's reeling you in...

Stay strong keep repeating that he hurt you deeply and carry on your escape plan.