Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

Excellent news, I'm sure she's right.

Have seen a promising house online and am calling them later but now having a serious wobble.

H tried to get close to me last night and I was tempted to sink back into his arms.

Abusive men are very good at reading people, he will probably have picked up on your apathy and will ramp up the ‘nice’ behaviour to reel you back in (my ex was an expert at this). If you succumb then it’ll be business as usual over Xmas. If you don’t and he feels he’s losing you, it’ll get much nicer, then he’ll sulk, then he’ll get angry, he’ll try each emotion, and then it’ll go round in circles again and again until you either leave or get reeked back in. My ex once said to me, towards the end, after sulking, being angry and then nice to try and control what I did ‘why won’t you do ‘x’ I’ve asked you nicely’ and was totally confused ‘why’ I’d not given into his demands, as he’d got so used to being able to emotionally beat me into submission.

It’s an awful way to live op

Good luck with the house

I hope the viewing goes well.
You will wobble.
But keep taking baby steps forward towards your freedom and an abuse free life!

Remember what you'd be sinking into.

If you were simply having some good sex / a laugh and a joke around then that's not putting breaks on the exit. If you want it and you know it's just a bit of fun then it doesn't have to be a big deal. He does this shit to you all the time so you could get immediate gratification while maintaining new control too.

If it is you being tired of fighting your way out of the burning building and deciding to slump down and breathe in the smoke and let the flames lick around you, well, that's different.

Know what you would be actually sinking into.

So true!!! Will bear that in mind over Christmas cottontail rabbit

Good advice too who knew.

Throughout this thread, jamais, you've been surprised that what people have said, described and advised has turned out to be correct. This is because the people on here have lived through what you're living through in their hundreds if not thousands. They (we) know the script. Mumsnet has helped me beyond measure to come to terms with crap relationships in my past and I am now forthright about what I will and won't put up with.

However, it's still all very new to you, this realisation that your relationship isn't very good and your DH actually treats you appallingly. You sound as if you are taking steps to stand up for yourself, even if it's by not doing something you would normally do (make tea, turn on electric blanket). Good for you! But please don't fall into the trap of his nice behaviour now he notices your distance. Yes, have sex with him if you feel like it, but absolutely don't if you don't! He is still trying to manipulate you with his behaviour. I bet he hasn't once expressed real concern about any change in your behaviour, has he? As others have pointed out, all he is concerned about is getting his needs met.

Good luck. Don't let him ruin Christmas for the children or anyone else. Warn him beforehand if he tries to ruin a nice time by crappy behaviour you will call him out on it. Make it clear there will be no repeat of your birthday weekend. And don't worry about where he will go if you have to make him leave your family's house. He's a big boy and can sort himself out. He can choose to behave however he likes, but poor behaviour will have consequences. You will of course have to follow through as he may well try it on to make you fail, but get your family onside beforehand so no one tolerates sulking.

You have nothing to be ashamed of by admitting you have had enough of crap behaviour. No one could possibly blame you for that.

@HouseworkIsASin10 - I'm betting you have a reasonable partner who went - 'oh yes I'm being a d*&k. Whereas it sounds like OP has a DH who thinks only of his own feelings - and doesn't have the maturity to say, 'I feel x, am in pain, (whatever). I can't do such and such' And if he does have back pain or something - well there are lots of ways of at least trying to deal with it.

And clearly you're not imagining it OP. He needs to stop with the gaslighting.

So, found a promising looking house to rent and am visiting it tomorrow afternoon.

Am going to set up my own bank account this morning.

I'm starting to think I really am going to go through with this.

After re reading "Why does he do that?" plus the suggestion above "The human magnet" I am starting to realize that the change I am hoping for will never come.

I'm better off on my own and able to enjoy the few years left with the kids at home than always angsting about him and his moods and how he will react.

Was feeling very low last night at work Christmas drinks - but only because people were so kind and I am not used to people being kind to me.

@Namechanged77 Yes you are so right, he wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes with me otherwise. It was further into the thread when the OP gave more details that it was obvious this wasn't just a case of 'silent treatment'. There is a lot of issues.

@jamaisjedors You really won't know yourself once you escape this controlling prick. Your DC will thrive without the atmosphere, it's the best for everybody.

Bank account opened, feeling stronger and freer every minute - plus every time I explain to someone (house, bank) that I am separating, it feels more real.

Haven't been back to thread in a while, just caught up on your posts.

You're doing so well, keep on doing so and don't let him fool you into thinking he'll change.

I know you are right, I already feel a lot better about myself.

I actually am starting to feel sad for him because I know he will be devastated whereas I have had time to work things through in my head.

I was all for having a plan, and that plan is coming together, but I feel that maybe it's a bit much to announce, I want to split up, I've already seen a lawyer, opened a bank account and found somewhere to live.

Should I announce it in stages?

I don't know but I do wonder whether it would be wise not to tell him all the detail so that he can't sabotage things.

Maybe...

I wouldn't be telling him anything until everything was in place.
He's an abuser. Who knows what he will do when he finds out.
Just leave when you are good and ready and take it from there.

Telling him in dribs and drabs is more cruel than a definitive I am leaving you today. Also more risky as others have said.

He has been a dick to you for years and you've complained for years. If he's shocked at you leaving that just proves he is a cock who has never given any fucks about your feelings.

No just tell him. Just tell him you're leaving at such and such a time. Explain your reasoning. Be prepared for all manner of tactics. He'll cycle through being upset and angry and back to upset again because he'll try every manipulation as he has done. Stick to your guns. He won't change. They never do.

I actually am starting to feel sad for him because I know he will be devastated whereas I have had time to work things through in my head

I think you need to re-read your earlier posts and particularly:

he has specifically said he is doing it to punish/hurt me which I'm not sure if I can forgive any more

He deliberately ruined your birthday / bereavement anniversary weekend. He has deliberately ruined holidays and other special events in the past. He has gaslighted you and had you walking on eggshells and doubting your sanity. In a rare moment of honesty he has admitted that HE KNEW IT HURT YOU AND HE DID IT DELIBERATELY TO DO SO.

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HIM.

You are not keeping secrets from him for the reason of hurting him, you are keeping the secrets so that he doesn't find a way to stop you and ruin everything for you.

You're still trying to look after his feelings while he doesn't give a flying fuck for yours.

My mother is like this, and my MIL. Their feelings trump everyones elses.
A lot of occasions been under the shadow of their selfishness.
Some people love being miserable.
Mmm, I still haven;t figured out how to deal with it, but I am now thinking to go along the lines of what you do with badly behaved children.....
Distract...ignore

Ok ok thanks for keeping me on track.

It's just hard when you have been with someone so long to just rip it all up and move on.

Visiting the house tomorrow will help me focus too.

I'm now thinking I don't even need to go into the reasons why I'm leaving when I talk to him, just say, as I said above, that nothing has changed and I can't live like this anymore.

I think keeping things calm will help in negotiations in the future.

You don't owe him an explanation. He will know why you are leaving him because he has admitted to you that he does this stuff to punish you. And now you aren't putting up with it any more - go you!

It's just hard when you have been with someone so long to just rip it all up and move on.

He ripped it up and has been for a long time. There is no relationship to rip up.

Regardless of how you tell him I’m afraid it’s unikley to go well. You could instigate an argument, get him to sulk and leave, or sit him down and explain your reasons nicely. The end result will be the same for him ‘he’s losing control of you’

He’s an abuser that thrives in you turning yourself inside out to please him. This is you standing up to him and taking that away.