Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

My ex husband used to do this. He'd read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and his reasoning was that if he "went into his cave" and chose not to speak to me l should leave him alone until such time as he was 'ready to talk to me again'.
l pointed out that that that was his prerogative, but one day he'd come out of his cave and l wouldn't be there. Which is what happened. This is a form of abuse. lt's juvenile and controlling.

If he doesn't come it'll ruin the DC's Christmas and I need time to get my exit plan straight so I'm clear what I'm doing before I speak to him (don't want him to start twisting everything).

He is acting fine now, no tension in particular, I'm just avoiding him a bit and the DC are getting on as normal.

I can sense you weakening OP.

I would say to him that you've been thinking about your birthday treat. You feel upset and concerned that he lapsed back into his controlling habits and you are also concerned that he seems to think everything is back to normal.

You have been mulling it over and you have decided that you need some time to think about whether or not there is any chance of the relationship working in the future.

As a result, you want some time away from him and some space to think things through without worrying about his behaviour over Christmas. So you will be going to family with the children and you want him to show his commitment to the children and to the relationship by allowing you some space and not making it hard on the children.

You could then sort out a time for him to come over to see the children, to give them presents and to be kind to everyone by not making this about him.

If he can do that then you will consider where you go from here. If not, there is no hope of change so you will have to start making plans to separate.

My prediction is that he will kick off which gives you the perfect excuse to have Christmas without him anyway.

Otherwise, all you are doing is tiptoeing around him again and letting him create an atmosphere which is horrible for your children. You need to take charge and stop this now.

I see your point. But we are going abroad for a week so it's not like I can compromise and say he can see them Christmas Eve or whatever.

We also have people invited for new year.

And if it all blows up when I mention this then I have nothing set up and will be out of the house for a whole week.

I'm not saying he'd change the locks or whatever but he would have a lot of thinking time and then I'd have to come back and live with him afterwards until I got a flat set up

I think you're doing the right thing - keep your head down and quietly plan your exit. Open your own bank account and quietly gather together all the documentation you need. Copies of bank statements in case he tries to hide assets.

This list from Women's Aid is a good starting point:

Some form of identification

Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.

Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.

Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)

Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.

Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.

Prescribed medication.

Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).

Insurance documents, including national insurance number.

I get why you're playing the long game. Can you mentally set up a 'D Day' - say, 25th of February to exit?

Just get through Christmas, you can do it standing on your head. Don't let him away with any of his behaviour. A few direct instructions for him to wind his behaviour will do the trick

Actually I'm interested to see what happens when I don't give a f* anymore about accomodating him.

If he does asks what's wrong I will say I'm still upset about my birthday weekend and feel nothing has changed.

I do need an end date, will be seeing a friend tomorrow who has done similar, she will let me know how long it takes to get sorted.

One of the dc has a birthday end of January, it could be after (or before) that.

That seems like a most sensible plan.

As long as you keep focus on your own true needs instead of your training to avoid setting him off then I expect you will keep up the momentum in your own head, ready to make the break when you've got those ducks in a row in a few weeks time.

Yes it does sound very sensible to get your ducks in a row, whilst carrying on as normal as possible. It puts you in a much better position, when you do leave.

Excellent work, OP. I think you should plan to leave sooner rather than later - otherwise the "getting everything sorted" can stretch out indefinitely.

One thing to bear in mind is that he will sense that your mindset has altered and something serious had shifted between you. So far he has been successfully controlling you with his moods but now he will feel that control slipping and will be desperate to get it back.

He will try all the tricks that have worked in the past - sulks, accusations, punishing you with coldness and when these don't work, he may very have an "epiphany" about his behaviour.

You will get tears, apologies, endless self flagellating discussions about how he now sees he was wrong and how its going to be different now. He may (in a pointed, martyrish way) start doing things with the children or around the house. He will become suddenly very keen on "spending time as a family", lecturing you about doing things together and how "the kids" are the most important things in the world, etc.

This is all a hoovering attempt. He has known for years how unhappy his behaviour made you, and he didn't change it (because it was only your feelings and they don't matter) . Its only now that HE stands to lose something that he is pretending to change to make you stay. So this change is a) selfish and b) temporary. Don't fall for all the "family is the most important thing" bullshit either - it's a guilt trip designed to make you feel bad. You did not "break" the family - he made it impossible for you to stay together.

Thanks for that, it makes a lot of sense. He's already doing a lot more with the kids because I have stepped back a bit.

I am scared of being hoovered back in, absolutely. Already I feel slightly less determined...

Just remember, you will never be able to really relax into a comfortable, relaxed family atmosphere.

He is always assessing the balance and whether you are getting too happy and confident. When you do, he will move in and punish you so you know your place.

It's a bit like a seesaw OP - you are the only one who puts the effort in to keep it going and only when you stop does he notice [and temporarily stop controlling you] - then he'll do the smallest amount possible to make you think he has the will to do it but as soon as you do - he's stops again.

Do you [and you kids] want to play be tied to that rusty, worn out, old wordworm ridden seesaw forever or do you fancy the freedom to explore the whole playground as you wish?

Remember there is no rush - take your time to work it through - watch all the tricks he pulls.

To avoid being hoovered decide now what avoidant behaviours you will avoid iyswim.

Here's a tip I got from MN. Write down on a piece of paper all the things he has done to hurt you. Then fold it up very very tightly. Keep it in your pocket at all times. When you feel yourself being hoovered or determination fading, reach down and feel the paper. It really helps.

I do this for other stuff, too, even to avoid procrastination.

Great idea about writing it down.

Already re reading the thread helps.

Thanks, all posters seem to really get it, which helps so much, because he previously told me I was crazy and imagining things.

Got an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow afternoon which is good.

Feeling pretty wobbly though.

Hi Op
Just wanted to add my 2 bits, amazing how far you’ve come since the start of this thread. I just want to point out to you that you seem to have skipped easily over the years and YEARS of gaslighting. It hasn’t really been talked a lot but you were heavily gaslighted for a very long time and deliberately made and told to feel like you were crazy when you questioned the stonewalling of your husband and he denied it, ect,ect. Your “DH” is actually a very unpleasant and manipulative man who has been messing with your mental and emotional health for a very long time. You give him far too much credit. You need to get rid. ASAP. These men will never change and you should have left the day he told you he had been gaslighting you. By staying he has been given permission to carry on the abuse. People will go as far as they are allowed to. Time to wake up.

It would be weird if you weren't wobbly. You are having to face up to some horrible truths and to do so you must fight years of his conditioning of you.

I love the saying The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.

Be kind to yourself. Having a wobble, even being hoovered temporarily, aren't signs of failure, just of a rocky path to freedom.

Good luck with the lawyer

Thanks.

Good Luck OP

Thanks. Lawyer was brilliant, she came recommend by a friend.

She told me to concentrate now on what I want for me and the kids and then we will see in the new year how I proceed.

There is no problem with me leaving the family home.

That's great, once you can break the problem (ie him) down into manageable chunks of action that you can take or influence you will make progress

Great news. Do you feel stronger now?

I feel like I have someone on my side. She was great and really encouraged me to stop thinking about how to work round what H will want and to think long and hard about the ideal situation for me, and carry on from there.