Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

You really should speak to a solicitor sooner rather than later. Deciding to move out and rent might not be the best option even though you know you would not want to keep the current family home. It might be best to live there while the dovorce rumbles on then sell up as part of the final deal thus getting yourself a nice deposit for a new place instead of having to go back to renting. I wouldn't make too many plans before seeking legal advice.

Oh. Just looked that up and me leaving could be used against me with the kids and also I could be fined...

He is out all day today, I think I need to talk to him tonight or tomorrow.

As far as I can see, I need to warn him I am leaving "temporarily" and get witnesses to that effect.

Why would you be fined? And if you take the kids with you to suitable accommodation close to work/school it wouldn’t go against you. The advice usually is to stay out in the family home and wait for it be sold as part of the divorce if you don’t want to stay there long term.

Oh dear I really think you need to get solid legal advice before you make any moves. Try Rights of Women for free legal advice. Also of course Women's Aid even if you are not in the UK. They may advise on similar orgs where you live.

Btw
I think it stems from not getting enough love from his DPs when a child.
I didn't get enough love from my parents when a child but I don't do this. There really is no excuse or reason, they do it bcs they like it. You don't need to feel sorry for an abuser.

I really do think you need to take legal advice before saying anything!

Men like that are usually sulkers hellbent on spoiling any occasion that is meaningful to you. They are spiteful, and unkind

You are dealing with the anniversary of a family bereavement, plus it was your birthday. That's like gold to this type of man - meaningful occasions to you - maximum opportunity to cause you upset and spoil everything for you.

I cannot stand men like this, and wish women would keep a mile away from them. They need dumping to give them a shock, and no further opportunity to play their spiteful games.

Sulking is such an unappealing and unattractive trait. Passive aggressive nastiness.

You can talk to him until you're blue in the face OP, he will never change as he needs the game. Your upset and hurt is the prize.

When your man is not your friend as well as your lover, your relationship is dead in the water.

I've a mind you can do better than spending the rest of your one life with this Jonah.

I’m with others, get legal advice ASAP

I think today I will call a friend who divorced a couple of years ago for advice about a lawyer.

I reread a lot of Lundy Bancroft's " Why does he do that?" last night and see why lots of you are saying there is no point trying to explain things to him, I have done it a million times before.

So far he is acting nice and I am actively avoiding him. He has obviously noticed something is wrong but not asked what it is yet.

At the moment I am thinking of centring it in me :

" Tis relationship is no longer working for me. I can't live in fear of the silent treatment anymore. I can't live walking on eggshells and with a knot in my stomach."

I am still debating asking him not to come for Christmas with me and the DC but am worried he will use it against me.

If he comes, the tension will ruin everyone's Christmas, but if he doesn't come it'll be tough too.

He doesn't need fuel to use against you he is nasty anyway. Or do you mean in the divorce? Speak to a solicitor they will put you straight on this. That way it stops worries going through your head on repeat.

Yes I mean in the divorce. He already has a million grudges or justifications.

Good luck 💐

You can speak to a solicitor and get the facts even if he makes a magical change and you end up staying together. It will be a relief to know where you stand.

You are right jam - he can tell you are thinking [and behaving] differently so he is putting on his 'good' side however people like him can only sustain this for a limited time unless they are totally committed to the hard work needed to make a permanent change in their behaviour - this takes years.

If he doesn't really want to change then the whole time he will be looking for a reason excuse to kick off.

Without minimising your situation - and you are doing really well with working out what is really going on - it's a bit like someone saying they want to give up smoking. When they don't really want to they constantly look for a stressful situation to justify just one cigarette and they then become a smoker again.

It's difficult for us to accept and understand they are happy exactly where they are because we have the skills to adapt and change our behaviour and are kind and supportive to others.

Give yourself as much time as you need to work all this through - there might be great steps forward for you and also steps back but know you are steadily moving towards a calmer place.

It doesn't matter how many grudges and justifications he has stored up or you give him now. It is utterly irrelevant to the divorce process.

You don't have to have the perfect angel and the perfect devil in a relationship for there to be a divorce. Your friends and family won't seek that either. Nor will anyone want details of who did what when. You know divorced people, how much do you know/care about why they split? Probably very little.

Everyone understands and accepts "I wasn't happy" and "He's very difficult to live with and I didn't want that any more."

I am still debating asking him not to come for Christmas with me and the DC but am worried he will use it against me [in the divorce]

Get legal advice but generally divorces aren't punitive - he doesn't get to lay out a list of petty grievances and have the judge grant him a greater share of assets and time with the children in recompense.

A lot of abusive men like to make it sound like that's how it works - "I'll make you look bad in front of the judge and then I'll get the house and sole custody" but these men are then unpleasantly surprised when they get to court and find the judge isn't there to decide who is the "bad" one - they are their to ensure that property is split in accordance with the law and childcare is arranged in the best interests of the children. Listening to a long string of "she threw me out and it was my birthday and she said mean things" isn't something judges are interested in.

It can be a bit galling the other way - if for example, you are divorcing due to adultery it can be a shock to the faithful party that their wayward spouse doesn't get "punished" in the divorce - you don't end up with a bigger slice of the house to make up for your partner being a lying jerk.

So I'm struggling to see how you telling him that you were not spending Christmas together could be used against you?

... I suppose (thinking about it) the only thing would be if he wanted to arrange a time to see his children over the festive period, and you refused or made it very difficult. Then a judge might think that you had form for being uncooperative with contact arrangements and put measures in place to stop you from doing it again.

So having Christmas apart from each other is fine - actively preventing him from seeing his kids at all over Christmas wouldn't be. But that doesn't mean that he has to come and stay with your family.

You urgently need advice. You're making it clear to him you are pulling away, giving him the chance to get his ducks in a row eg hide assets.

It's YOU who should be getting your ducks in a row. Is he self employed? Dear God let's hope not or you're fucked.

Do you have open info about his finances? Is it easily accessible to you?

You need to be strategic. Please listen to the advice on here from people who have done this and know the drill. Don't be thinking you know better or that he isn't like all the other abusers..

Until you've got everything lined up financially and practically you can't afford to be sending him postcards about exactly what you're planning. During this period when you're gathering info you need to act like nothing has changed - you even need to lay it on. He needs to relax, thinking he's shafting you as per.

You need to be strategic to secure your future with the kids. Don't be thinking he'll be reasonable when it comes down to it - he'll be the very opposite.

I have no idea how I would explain it to them.

You won't have to explain, they'll get it. They see what he is like.

You can both be so much happier apart and that in turn is so much better for the children. Look at the big picture, rather than the details. What overall impression of relationships are they getting at the moment.

Regarding Christmas, after your talk you can tell him that you just want some thinking time so it's best that he doesn't come to your family with you.

Then you can at least have a calm Christmas with support from your family and without having to worry about him spoiling it for everyone.

No behaviour on your part is going to make an ounce of difference in court.
He will just look like a dick for trying to badmouth you.

His list of grievancies wont make an ounce of difference in divorce proceedings or access to the dc.

Thanks. This thread is keeping me focused.
Have been for a walk with a good friend and told her what's going on.

She knows him well and likes and admires him.

She mentioned emotional abuse and said she would have left after H admitted he was deliberately punishing me.

She is right, but there were other things going on at the time.

Texted a friend who has been through divorce and she had sent me two names of lawyers. I have emailed one asking for an appointment.

Otherwise, things are back to normal-ish around here, H making plans for food to make for Christmas etc.

I think a lot of you are right, I am better to hold off now til the new year, get myself organised and then lay it all out for him then.

I don't want to get sucked back in and forget what things are like when they are bad, but this thread and the Lundy Bancroft are keeping me straight.

Thanks all.

I have access to all finances btw but am thinking I ought to open my own bank account - need to draw some cash out to pay the lawyer too.

If he has a million grudges, it should be clear to all that maybe you are not really compatible any more.

Have you tried giving a running commentary on how his behaviour appears to you when he sulks? Maybe you being silent about it enables him to punish you.

You know jamais you sound like a very strong capable person who has been dealing with a ghastly problem for a long time, and now you've decided you're going to deal with it in a different way. Don't worry about the "what will people think?" bit, something like "very charming men are very good at keeping all their shit hidden away" works wonders.

My dad was a sulker and our whole family dynamic was centered around his sulks. Divorce would have been temporarily upsetting because nobody likes change, but in the long run healthier. You'll be doing your kids a solid one. And yourself.

And counseling only works when both parties have the same end goal. Counseling gives people powerful tools. People who don't have the same end goal in mind can do a lot of damage with powerful tools.

If he comes, the tension will ruin everyone's Christmas

But you're going to go ahead and do it anyway.