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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 15/12/2018 09:42

He knows you’re never going to leave. He can do what he wants really

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 09:45

I hear you all. But he will definitely want to have half of custody.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 09:46

But I know I will be the one who facilitates their out of school activities etc because he will rarely go out of his way for them.

OP posts:
springydaff · 15/12/2018 09:57

You may have a case to get his share of custody reduced. He is an abuser and he will abuse the kids in the same way he has abused you, especially as they get older, if not already.

You will need to work with Women's Aid to build a (legitimate) case. The time is gone where you think you are both ordinary people with ordinary flaws. Abusers are in a whole other league. You need to protect your children from him to the best of your ability.

Will you be visiting the UK? I think you would benefit from just one session at the Freedom Programme. There's something about being with others who share the same experiences that pops the denial and brainwashing somehow.

LizzieSiddal · 15/12/2018 10:09

Well, if it’s his day to have them, you need to let him sort out the dcs after school activities.
Chances are, he’ll get utterly fed up of this kind of domestic stuff, and let you have them on those days, as well as your own days.

bringbacksideburns · 15/12/2018 10:57

Bad enough he turned your Birthday weekend into being all about him but you said it was the anniversary of a bereavement?!

When you have been talking to a counsellor for months about your relationship and it's still no better - it's time to get out.

You say you owe it to your kids? Your kids are facilitating his child sulks just like you are by giving him ' extra cuddles.' That's so sad.

Walking on egg shells. Having internal dialogue about switching off TV at bed time ffs! Hmm

Get out. Life is short and precious. We aren't here very long. Enjoy it whilst you are here.

It's weird reading this as my 16 year old recently split up from her boyfriend. He was very good looking but for the latter part she said quite grumpy. Would go silent for no reason. She would be always asking him if he was ok and he would say yes and stay silent. Lots of early behaviour traits mentioned here. I told her it's better to be single and she needs a boyfriend who is fun and outgoing and caring. Sounds like she's had a lucky escape.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 11:06

I have been talking about our relationship for nearly 2 years now.

I thought a breakthrough had come when he agreed to do a couple's weekend.

But since then it's all slipped back and he has wanted to use any of the tools anyway (apart from after my birthday weekend, when I insisted).

This time last year I remember telling my sil (who has witnessed some of this behaviour several times) that I would leave if he did it again.

Another year has gone by and to fair he hadn't done a sulk until now but I have also been walking on eggshells and I am sick of it now.
I did a couple of courses recently which have really helped with my self esteem which is perhaps why I feel like enough is enough now.

Am seeing a very good friend tomorrow who has known us for a long time - I think talking to someone irl will help gain perspective.

OP posts:
Fretfulparent · 15/12/2018 11:08

Totally agree with Atilla's post at 8.40.
Nothing has changed in 10 years so why will it now?

I urge you to give your children some sanctuary from their fathers moods.

RunningWild12 · 15/12/2018 11:12

My dad was like this. They split up after 20+ years of marriage. Mum later said she had stayed that long cos of us children. She shouldn’t have. Because what I remember is how much more relaxed being in the house was with the three of us. No wondering about what mood someone was in etc. He actually went 9 months not speaking to my mum, nothing beyond “pass the salt”. And I think I was in danger of learning from his behaviour (I was a horrible stroppy teenager!).
Don’t know if that’s helps. All I can say is don’t necessarily assume that staying cos of children is what the children want. They may be happier with a more relaxed happy mum.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 11:23

It's true, I know that in my own childhood we wished mum would leave dad.

It doesn't feel the same here because he is not threatening the children or shouting at them at all.

Also I have no idea how I would explain it to them.

It will/would involve a huge upheaval as I would leave the house and need to move somewhere where it would be more complicated for them to get to school etc.

Plus the logistics of it all scare me another, even if I know perfectly well I am capable of doing it, but my head is spinning with all the things to think about, new furniture, new flat, new everything...

OP posts:
Silkie2 · 15/12/2018 11:30

DH sulks when eg people are visiting so not only am I doing all the catering and socialising, I am also covering for the rude grumpy git in the house. He is jealous of the attention I am giving others. And of course I can't have it out with him if others are there without embarrassing them. More stress.
My DF was an angry man so DHs behaviour triggers stress in me. He wants my attention all the time, sulks if he thinks he isn't getting it.
I married my DF, though wasn't like this when younger.
I think it stems from not getting enough love from his DPs when a child. Also counsellor says he sounds autistic, lacks empathy, but it is affecting my health now so I won't take more of it. He has been warned.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 11:37

Silkie, same here, H has done several mega sulks when we have had people to stay or been away with other people and I always cover it up.

The counsellor asked me why that was, I think I was always brought up to think of others first and also because I was perhaps scared of what they might think.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 11:38

I have watched one of the videos from the freedom program, "the bully" and it resonated.

What is so frustrating is that I KNOW all of the theory behind abuse (related to my job) but I haven't applied it to myself or have minimised it.

OP posts:
Silkie2 · 15/12/2018 11:46

I would speak to a solicitor and plan for if you do decide to split. Then you are not stressing about the unknown. Also when you tell him you are going it will be convincing. I would let the DCs see if you are upset or frustrated by his behaviour, not in blazing rows but in a 'What's the matter with you now?' Or 'Is there something wrong you look angry' way. If you have always hidden your feelings they won't know why you want to separate.

Travisandthemonkey · 15/12/2018 11:58

Try not to get completely stuck on the small details. Obviously they are important, but take it right back to basics.
Which is do you want to spend the rest of your life like this. Do you want your children to continue to grow up around this?
Everything else is all the fear. Which is valid. But none of it is unsurmountable

Fretfulparent · 15/12/2018 12:15

Do you have any friends or family to confide in? Perhaps talking it though might help you see it as a number of steps as opposed to a huge mountain. It would help to reframe your thinking.

Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 12:32

You need to sit him down and tell him outright what you are not happy with and what he needs to do to change or he can leave. Where are his family in all this? Can you speak to his mother or someone who can perhaps set him straight?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 12:46

I will talk it through with a friend tomorrow, thanks.

His mum is the other end of the country and wouldn't intervene I don't think - I suspect H learned a lot of his behaviour from his dad although he paints their marriage as perfect.

My SIL knows how things are, and has already tried to intervene in the past but he is pretty wary and critical of her and wouldn't hear it from her either, although it could be worth a shot.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 12:47

Btw he won't leave and I don't want him to, I would rather leave myself, I could not manage this house and garden alone and wouldn't want to be out in the country on my own.

OP posts:
Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 12:48

I don't think you should be looking to move either, he should leave the family home as it is him that has caused the breakdown of the marriage.

Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 12:49

Will it make work difficult for you as well?

Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 12:51

I read earlier on that you were in a training day together? It does seem as though you are going to be making a lot of change and he isn't going to have to make any. From the way you have described him I suspect highly that he is going to make you out to be the villain and you will struggle to get your kids to leave him. How old are they?

bringbacksideburns · 15/12/2018 14:26

I really think you should stop putting it off OP and actually talk to him and tell him it's crunch time.

Good luck.

SendintheArdwolves · 15/12/2018 14:28

Also I have no idea how I would explain it to them

You will use age appropriate language to clearly tell them that mum and dad were going to get divorced but that they still loved their kids very much and it wasn't their fault.

It's neither necessary nor appropriate to tell kids the intimate reasons for their parents divorce - and if you really, really must then wait until they are adults. You certainly don't have to get the children to agree that divorce is for the best or justify your decision to them. Don't make a case for their dad's behaviour being intolerable and certainly don't float the suggestion that divorce is "better for the whole family". In time, they may think this is the case but in the immediate aftermath they are unlikely to agree.

They will be upset, understanding, angry, relieved, sad, resilient - all the feelings. You will be surprised both by how well they adjust and how hard some things hit them.

But you are the adult and sometimes adults have to make difficult decisions with no easy answers.

RandomMess · 15/12/2018 14:30

It's not you breaking up the family it's his abusive behaviour that's done it...