I know it's just a word. ....but it upsets me

[Crackers1428]

Just canvassing opinions really.

My DP will often call me a c* - this is usually how disagreements start in our house.

I know it's just a word and given how often he uses it it probably shouldn't upset me but for some reason it really does lately.

I should add that I swear often although I don't use that word and don't really direct that kind of language at him in arguments. I grew up in a home where that kind of language was normal so I'm surprised that it's suddenly bothering me.

Obviously I have asked him to to use that language towards me, especially in front of the children but it falls on deaf ears.

I suppose I just want to see if I need a bit of a thicker skin or if this is really something that people won't tolerate?

Sirry for rambling, if you got this far, thank you for reading!

Good for you. Don't let it go. Hopefully he puts a change to his behaviour.

But it's not just about being called a cunt. Being told to fuck off for no good reason and in front of the kids is also awful. Don't let him think it's ok to abuse you, as long as he doesn't use the word cunt when he does it.

That sort of language being used is not acceptable its abusive and in front of the children frankly appalling. He needs to change his behaviour otherwise your children will grow up thinking its normal to be abusive in relationships. You want them to be like that?

Hi OP,

I agree with the others, your partner's behaviour is very abusive and completely unacceptable. I am not going to advise you to end the relationship immediately, but this is something you can and should work towards doing sooner rather than later.

There are some positives, which are that:

• You already have a job which is compatible with with school hours, and which will allow you to increase your hours in September. This is great and puts you in a strong position.
• You are not married, and your partner's debts are in his name only, which means that you are not liable for them.
• You sound very lucid in your posts - honestly it seems that you have your head screwed on and there is clarity in your thinking; you have come to the clear conclusion that his behaviour is unacceptable. This clarity will give you strength; hang on to it if he tries to mess with your head.

These are my suggestions for steps you can take towards ending the relationship - please don't feel you have to do everything at once; the quicker the better but no one here will think you've failed if you don't leave or do all these things immediately:

• Call Women's Aid for advice and support on dealing with his abusive behaviour and staying safe as you plan to end the relationship. They might be able to signpost you to a counselling service, too.
• Get counselling, if not through Women's Aid then ask your GP. The NHS will be an option - there'll be a waiting list but it's still worth getting on it - and there may well be charities or other organisations that offer free or low-cost counselling.
• You might find it helpful to do some reading - check out "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.
• You could also call the NAPAC helpline for advice and support on processing your experiences with your mother.
• For legal advice about what might happen when you end the relationship, including what happens with the house and children, I suggest you call the free Rights of Women family law helpline. They can also advise on legal aid - you may qualify for it if you report the abuse (eg to the police, but other evidence may be acceptable and they can advise on that). RoW and/or Women's Aid might also be able to signpost to solicitors near you with experience of abuse.
• For advice about housing and money (including benefits) after you end the relationship, I suggest you visit or contact Citizens Advice. You could also use an online benefits calculator like Entitledto or Turn2us. And don't forget child maintenance, check out www.cmoptions.org to find out more. If he is likely to refuse to pay, you can set it up via the CMS.

I hope that's helpful and not too much information!

DH and I are sweary and both use the C word in conversation, but we draw the line at calling each other it. We never do, never would. We may have flung names at eachother, but NEVER that one.

Some brilliant resources, thank you so much, it's great to have it all here to look at and work through as I feel ready.

I still feel really tearful today and realised I haven't even looked at him properly for days. I can't bring myself to. He's away overnight tomorrow so I'm going to spend some quality time with DS.

I keep thinking back over the relationship and recalling past incidents and seeing them in a different light.

Is this normal?

Yes very normal.

I'm glad he's spending a night away so you'll get a bit of a breather.

Take it easy and be kind to yourself. Keep talking to us and to friends/family in real life if you feel able to.

PS I said family but I realise it's complicated! Sorry!

Thank you so much. I have told best friend about this most recent incident too. I think the trouble with telling people IRL is that once it's out there with them, they're seeing your life through that lens if that makes sense? They care about you and can't hide their disgust.

It makes it feel real doesn’t it? You can’t hope that you’re not really living in that reality, if they are living it too...

It’s hard but honestly, you do deserve to be treated so much better, and loved so much more, and respected as an equal and wonderful person... you are actually Worth It.

Absolutely!

I'm finding myself sat here wondering if I were to talk to him again, without it being off the back of a specific incident, whether anything would be different? If I could tell him I expect to be treated better and he needs to radically change his attitude towards me, would it change anything? I'm trying to see how the conversation would go and all am expecting he will come back with is 'i don't treat you badly, how dare you be so ungrateful, I've provided so you can be a sahm and kept a roof over your head etc etc' - this is true that he's done this but I don't feel I should have to take one or the other.

Still very tearful today, if you've read my incoherent rambling once more then thank you.

But what amuses me are the people I know who use it rather frequently are all women

Can't see what's funny about that. Loads of people swear, so what?

The post is by a woman upset as her H directly from calls her a cunt so your amused observations aren't even relevant to this particular situation

And further to the above, thank you to the numerous posters who have called out this fuckwittery 😂

I see you had already mentioned to him about you getting counselling for yourself and "he said he thought I was fine".
And he said you were a cunt. Not the greatest person to be taking advice from, is he? Supportive, he ain't.
I rest my case m'lud.

The day my DH called me a cunt would be the last day of our marriage.

^ What she said!

I think he is controllong too OP. I think you have to see him as an abusive controller. The PP(s) that suggested The Freedom Program are wise. It will open your eyes about you abusive, gaslighting, controlling denier of a partner.

You are in a vilnerable position not being married to him legally but in your case I would consider it a positive. I would force him to leave or leave myself and get the house sold as soon as Christmas is over.

You will be ground down flat a pancake if you stay. Gaslighting does that to a person.

Controlling that should say. Fat fingers.

Name calling - just no. The last guy I dated called me a stupid woman, a bitch and a twat all on one weekend..that was his last weekend in my company
And I cannot stand the C word in any context !