I know it's just a word. ....but it upsets me

[Crackers1428]

Just canvassing opinions really.

My DP will often call me a c* - this is usually how disagreements start in our house.

I know it's just a word and given how often he uses it it probably shouldn't upset me but for some reason it really does lately.

I should add that I swear often although I don't use that word and don't really direct that kind of language at him in arguments. I grew up in a home where that kind of language was normal so I'm surprised that it's suddenly bothering me.

Obviously I have asked him to to use that language towards me, especially in front of the children but it falls on deaf ears.

I suppose I just want to see if I need a bit of a thicker skin or if this is really something that people won't tolerate?

Sirry for rambling, if you got this far, thank you for reading!

That's awful. I really couldn't and wouldn't put up with this. Deal breaker for me. And I'm speechless it is in front of the children.

Maximum carnage who cares what you find amusing, start yer own thread. This is about the OP being verbally abused in front of their DC.

OP you don't need to grow a thick skin, his language towards you and behaviour is disgusting. Completely disrespectful and you not your children should have to put up with it. Can you call him out on this safely? The reason I ask is because people like him who can do this aren't very nice people and should know better but clearly don't.

*nor

Bluntness - I could've shouted back.. but my DS was already crying over something unrelated band I didn't want to upset him further before school. I'm a doormat I know.

Bloomini - I tried to about a week ago via text but I will do it face to face tonight.

Oh COME ON woman!

Wake up! Smell the coffee! Any other cliche you may want to add

Are you wanting hordes of women to tell you this is normal? It's very very abnormal and to continue in this relationship is to ultimately damage your children

It's NOT just a word. It's abuse and you know it. I'd be showing this cunt the door pretty sharpish

Dig deep and get rid of him or you'll suffer the consequences for as ping as you stay with him

The word is important though. If the kids at nursery call another kid stupid, I doubt it will raise huge concerns, but if one of the kids says to someone “Fuck off you cunt”, that’s going to raise some huge red flags about these kids home life and rightly so.

Black cat - yes you're right.

Margo - yes I will consider it. I think because my family life growing up was similar I have just accepted this as very low level and not important.

And then your children will feel the same, and their children, and their children etc. etc.

OP you have the opportunity to break this cycle. It won't be easy but please do it, if not for you, then for your DC. Wishing you lots of luck.

If anyone called my daughter a cunt they would end up in hospital and I would end up in prison.

OMG, he's a nasty piece of work, and does it in front of his kids, absolute disgrace, it's abuse of you and the children; just because you grew up with it doesn't make it right, you already know this or you'd not be posting; i feel so sorry for you being treated like that; please tell him to stop or yes, get away from him, he sounds horrible.

Ironically, my mum called him a cunt four years ago and I completely cut her off and haven't spoken to her since.

I think you should think about why she called him a cunt. Sounds like she may have had the measure of him!

Abusers are very, very good at isolating their victims from sources of support. Think carefully about your relationship with your mum. Even if it's been rocky, she may still be a person who would support you (in her way) should you want to leave him. And you should want to leave him.

And it's never 'just a word'. It's the meaning behind the word and the way it's used, not just the word itself.

Eg this morning DS was crying, DP said to DS 'i can't go to work with you crying like this' so I said to DP 'just go' - I meant it as in don't worry I will deal with it. Then I got 'fuck off you cunt'

That's totally unacceptable and disgusting

Across the pond - my mum was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to me all my life, after she called him a cunt she attacked bme in front of my tiny baby and I have the photos of the injuries to prove it. I think perhaps she just didn't like someone else having more influence over me than her.

OP, you aren't a doormat. You've been ground down, that's all.

Please look at this site: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You can do it online for a tenner in a couple of hours.

He has no respect for you. He is bullying you. In front of your children. They will start playing up and showing you no respect soon, because they have learned that Daddy shows them that is OK. Add their behavioural problems to your existing problems, not to mention how it will screw them up for adulthood. Can you deal with more problems, or could you improve things now by standing up for yourself and getting rid of this nasty man?

You can't fix him. You can't fix your relationship. It's not down to you. It's him. If you show him the Freedom programme link and ask HIM to do the male version of the programme, how would he react? Would he be shocked and upset to think he could be an abuser or would he say it's bollocks and there is nothing wrong with him?

To add, my therapist told me I had effectively married my mother (i.e. gone from one narcissistic person to another). That was a revelation for me.

Well, then, never mind her helping you. I'm so sorry your own mother has treated you this way!

But I think that some of the worst damage she's done is to set you up to be a victim of further abuse. This is not your fault. You've been 'programmed' to think that bad behaviour is 'not so bad'.

Have you ever had counseling about the way you've been treated by her and by him? I think it might be helpful to you.

You are worthy of respect and of being treated well by people who are supposed to care for you.

It's a horrible, hurtful word and, equally importantly, you've asked him not to call you that but he persists. You are not being over- sensitive at all, OP.

Thanks Bundy - I have looked into the freedom programme as they actually run it at my workplace. I had a look at some of the literature briefly and wasn't sure if it was quite the right thing but I will look again!

Across the pond - never had counseling, I said at the beginning of the year I thought I could benefit from it but he said he thought I was fine, and also weve had a tough year financially so no spare cash to speak of for that but Ifeel it would help.

Op how would you feel if your children's partner's called them a cunt? I'm guessing you'd be horrified.

This is abusive, and to do it Infront of children is teaching them that this is perfectly normal behaviour. They will start using the word before long.

I swear (quite a lot!) but never that word. And I don't swear around my kids.

Thank you all for such kind comments as well. Really hugely appreciated.

I have never heard anyone I know use this word.

It is the lowest of the low and although you may have been brought up in a home where that kind of language was considered normal you clearly don't want it for your children and you are right. They deserve a better life, we all want better for our children.
I think you've outgrown him OP, and I mean that as a compliment.

Kitty - I'm tempted to open the discussion with 'how would you feel in 30 years time if you discovered your daughter's partner called her a cunt regularly'

That is awful, we don't name call in our family and especially not c*nt.