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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know it's just a word. ....but it upsets me

168 replies

Crackers1428 · 11/12/2018 12:35

Just canvassing opinions really.

My DP will often call me a c* - this is usually how disagreements start in our house.

I know it's just a word and given how often he uses it it probably shouldn't upset me but for some reason it really does lately.

I should add that I swear often although I don't use that word and don't really direct that kind of language at him in arguments. I grew up in a home where that kind of language was normal so I'm surprised that it's suddenly bothering me.

Obviously I have asked him to to use that language towards me, especially in front of the children but it falls on deaf ears.

I suppose I just want to see if I need a bit of a thicker skin or if this is really something that people won't tolerate?

Sirry for rambling, if you got this far, thank you for reading!

OP posts:
BundyLancroft · 12/12/2018 09:35

OP, I'm not one to jump on LTB, but I do think the PP who have mentioned gaslighting have a point.

It's not the word at all that is the issue. It's the name calling and abusive disrespect. If he cannot see that, then there is little hope. I suggest you focus your discussions with him on the big issues, and not on one particular word. He needs to change some big things about himself and his behaviour for your relationship to survive and your kids to grow up without being screwed up by him.

And I also think you should get involved in the finances. Like today. You need to know what is going on. Ask him for access to all the bank accounts and credit cards. Get a grip on where you are at financially. I fear that the problem is much bigger than you think and he has minimised it. Calling it a 'bit of a pickle' with debt is a massive massive concern and red flag.

ChristmasRaven · 12/12/2018 09:52

I'm glad the talk went well. Now you need to follow through. If he calls you something derogatory again just look at him and say something like "What was that?" and see if he apologises. It may take a few attempts to change what is obviously a habit for him. I agree with pp's, you need to get a grip on finances as he is in a powerful position right now. You need to be at a stage where you are not handing over all your money to him. That needs to stop. Even if you could only build up a few hundred pounds in savings, it would put you in a much better position if you ever had to leave him. I know that sounds a lot right now but it soon builds up with £10 here, £20 there and so on.

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 10:08

Based on what he said the two options are:

  1. He does remember but he'd rather say he doesn't as a way of dodging responsibility and, once again, putting you on the back foot - 'I don't remember' is the defence of a total coward that would rather protect themselves than own up and repair the damage.

  2. He genuinely doesn't remember and is so used to calling you a cunt that it doesn't even register with him any more, in which case how can he stop?

It's great that you've had a talk but please don't accept more bullshit from him.

Original poster
Crackers1428 · 12/12/2018 11:03

Yes I agree regarding the money. I am not going to lie, it will scare the hell out of me to look at those accounts and credit cards though.

He's not particularly secretive about his spending and has spreadsheets with all the outgoings on, it's just that the outgoings are often more than what's coming in (he works on commission) so often stuff goes on credit cards. And I think he thinks, sod it, I'm in debt anyway I might as well spend on stuff I want too.

I have said I am 100% happy to go to work full time but when we have discussed it, it's clear that he likes the convenience of me being at home and is reluctant to pay for any childcare.

Anyway, I digress. Thank you for not dismissing me as a spineless loser and not all jumping on the LTB bandwagon, although I would understand if you did.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2018 11:10

Honestly, it's got to a bad stage when he can't even recall saying fuck off uou cunt to you.

And I'd also be worried about the finances, you're not married? And have nothing in your name?

Original poster
Crackers1428 · 12/12/2018 11:14

We're not married, no accounts or cards are in my name but the house is jointly owned.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2018 11:25

Well that's something, but you are in a hugely vulnerable position, not really working, not contributing to your pension, and pretty much relevant on his good will as he has no legal obligation to uou, only his child. I would consider remedying that as soon as you can ie getting back into work full time, having your own account and a joint account etc and ensuring you're self sufficient and can survive.

Original poster
Crackers1428 · 12/12/2018 11:34

I have my own account which he doesn't touch (except to ask me for money as soon as pay day arrives) and it has an online savings account linked to it which I can use to put money aside from now on. My one day a week is with local authority so I have a tiny pension there. I took that job with the long term in mind as the lady I job share with wants to reduce her days or retire in September when my youngest gets her nursery funding. It's a school hours job so it would be great while the children are small. So I guess that was my small step towards protecting my financial future a bit but I'm playing the very long game. I realise I sound like an incompetent moron.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2018 11:36

Ok, having your own account and savings account is not the same as having no accounts!😁

You don't sound like an incompetent idiot at all, but it's good to have a plan to support yourself.

Original poster
Crackers1428 · 12/12/2018 11:39

Sorry I didn't really make that clear, I'm incredibly sleep deprived at the moment with a poorly little one hence I often sound like I'm rambling.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2018 12:42

I'm not sleep deprived and my little one is now 21, but I actually do ramble 🤣

BundyLancroft · 12/12/2018 13:40

OP, I know this is another issue, but can you get more hours in the same LA, or a second PT job, even if it's not FT all together? I think the key to you making your own decisions in your life and for your future, is financial independence. And don't hand over all your wages to him, and then only as much as you want to when you've examined the in and outgoings of the house, and are confident it's being spent on bills/mortgage. He may be effectively spending your money on his hobby.

Original poster
Crackers1428 · 12/12/2018 14:45

There isn't an option for more hours in my current job but I have been looking for a second job (evenings and weekends) so that childcare isn't an issue. I have found a few things that could possibly work but it's either too tight timing wise for him getting in from work or he doesn't want to commit to the childcare as it will eat up all his free time 😵

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 12/12/2018 14:52

Eat into HIS free time? Time to sit down and discuss an equal division of free time and money to spend on a hobby for you, AFTER you have looked over the books to see where money is spent 🌸🌸

BundyLancroft · 12/12/2018 15:09

OP, take a look at the tax credit website to see what help you can get with childcare costs. Also the tax free childcare scheme, and free 30 hrs. Not sure how old your DC are. CAB can also do calculations for you. That might open up your working options a bit.

He sounds utterly selfish btw. Utterly.

crochetmonkey74 · 12/12/2018 15:12

Get Out

No way I could stay with a man who called me names or swore at me

That's abuse

Weezol · 12/12/2018 15:31

Have a look at NAPAC - it's aimed specifically at adult survivors of childhood abuse.

napac.org.uk/what-napac-does/

He won't want 50/50 if you do split at some point in the future. He's already whining about them 'eating in to' his free time.

Do The Freedom Programme and work towards a better future for you and your kids.

There's a lot in your posts about what he wants - what do you want?

ciderhouserules · 12/12/2018 15:38

So - next time he calls you a cunt, he can get away with it because he 'can't remember' it?

Ok then. Angry I would start thinking about getting rid, because this will be his get-out. Forever. 'Oh I forgot about not calling you a fucking cunt.' Angry

MrsGrindah · 12/12/2018 15:45

You are making excuses for him. He won’t be thinking about it at all. He called you a cunt because he thinks you are a cunt. Lovely. Start getting your finances in order, stop relying on a vile excuse of a man and kick his sorry arse out of the door. For your kids sake

Kikidelight · 12/12/2018 16:08

His free time? What about you? You're allowing him to behave appallingly and to control you. Get away from this abusive man.

I grew up with an abusive dad and clearly remember things he did and said to my mum, me and then my step mum. I recall things he did from as far back as me being around 3 years old. I'm now 49. I blame him for influencing the very poor choices I made with men, which I am now reaping the consequences for.

Think of your kids too. They look at him as a role model! His behaviour will seriously impact them.

Original poster
Crackers1428 · 12/12/2018 16:22

I'm honestly a bit in shock at how many of you have reacted so strongly to this.

I'm feeling really tearful this afternoon and a huge mix of emotions. A part of me feels really disloyal for talking about him behind his back like this which I know is insane.

I accept everything said here, but I think I need a bit more time to take small steps slowly, I'm struggling basically. I know it should be very black and white kind of situation but I feel really overwhelmed.

OP posts:
ChristmasRaven · 12/12/2018 16:41

It isn't as simple as just packing a suit case and walking out. It's totally understandable you feel overwhelmed. Small steps are fine. You've spoken to him about the verbal abuse, now the ball is in his court on that one. You are taking steps and making plans re the financial situation. This is about you building up your own internal strength, it's not an overnight thing. Don't feel disloyal for reaching out for some support. Maybe things will improve now you have spoken to him. I really hope they do. It's just about having a backup plan if things don't improve. Just so you don't feel helpless and are able to assert yourself when you need to.

BundyLancroft · 12/12/2018 16:53

OP, I was the same when the wisdom of Mumsnet was unleashed on me! I had lived with it for so long, it had become 'my normal'. I had little concept of how unacceptable his behaviour was towards me. The fantastic women of MN enlightened me, supported me, lifted me, and gave me the strength I needed to make huge changes to my life (LTB). It didn't happen overnight. Took me several months of deliberating, processing, understanding, realising.....And once I had made my decision, I knew it was right for me and DC. It then took a few more weeks to bring about in practice.

I can honestly say that the best time of my life has been the 2 years since we split up. I'm now with a wonderful man who is kind, thoughtful and totally supportive of me. I cannot ever imagine him calling me a cunt. And that's how it should be.

Don't put extra pressure on yourself, but do listen to the advice you have had here, process it, and think about your and your DCs future life and happiness. Take your time, get advice, maximise your job and housing options and prospects for supporting yourself, and accept that you have choices (whereas your DC don't).

We are here to support and help you, and you don't have to answer to anyone here.

Weezol · 12/12/2018 16:53

Small steps are fine. They add up to big strides.

Original poster
Crackers1428 · 13/12/2018 06:08

I am so grateful for all your supportive words, stories and resources shared here and general encouragement.

Interestingly, last night he accused me of belittling and undermining him in front of the children as I told him that scrubbing with wet tissue paper alone would not get toothpaste out of the carpet. My response was 'you find that undermining do you? Try being called a cunt in front of your children!'

He said yeah, fair point.

OP posts:
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