I know it's just a word. ....but it upsets me

[Crackers1428]

Just canvassing opinions really.

My DP will often call me a c* - this is usually how disagreements start in our house.

I know it's just a word and given how often he uses it it probably shouldn't upset me but for some reason it really does lately.

I should add that I swear often although I don't use that word and don't really direct that kind of language at him in arguments. I grew up in a home where that kind of language was normal so I'm surprised that it's suddenly bothering me.

Obviously I have asked him to to use that language towards me, especially in front of the children but it falls on deaf ears.

I suppose I just want to see if I need a bit of a thicker skin or if this is really something that people won't tolerate?

Sirry for rambling, if you got this far, thank you for reading!

He despises you

Please don't stick around to let him abuse you. Your children are learning very damaging lessons.

From a safeguarding POV, if I heard a child in my care say "fuck off you cunt" I would at the very least log it as a concern - this would then be passed up to nursery & then school where they would be on high alert for any signs of abuse/neglect. Your oh sounds a prize knob and I really hope you & your Dc can find a way to move on without him.

Any name calling ("snob" "dick" "wanker" "bitch" "twat" etc) is unacceptable in my opinion.

He is definitely abusive.

Look into the freedom programme, and ring women's aid

Sorry OP, I was busy this evening and have only just seen your reply to my questions. They were rhetorical really, to get you to think about those issues. As are these below, so you don't need to answer them here.

How much do you know about your financial situation? Does he keep this information 'for his eyes only'? Do you have a joint account and joint access to online banking, cards etc? Does he pay all the bills from the money you give him? What do you/are you allowed to keep for your own pocket money? Does he consult you on big purchases? Why have you got into debt? How much is in your or joint names? How much debt is there overall?

You oblige him with sex and he is nice to you? You don't, and he isn't. Is this how you want your life to be? Sex as a bargaining chip, and sulking/abuse when he doesn't get it. This sort of coercion is a form of sexual abuse.

You work 1/5 and presumably he works 5/5. So you do 20% of the work he does. Does he do 20% of the household chores you do during the week? And of course 50% of the weekend chores when you are both off work?

He babysits his own children so you can do things. I bet it's mostly work or chores, isn't it? Does he do the weekend and evening share of childcare? Putting them to bed, bathing, stories, cooking dinner, play, homework, etc? I expect not. Does he do packed lunch for school, remember to fill in that slip for a school trip, wash sports kit, take kids to parties, buy presents and wrap them, wash school uniform, etc etc?

And he doesn't like being accountable to you. Or giving you the courtesy of informing you he will be home late. So basically, he lives just like a single person then. A stroppy entitled teenager with no responsibilities.

What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

He does not show you any respect at all. He is not a life partner or a good father, is he really?

You don't need to answer any of the above here, but ask those questions of and for yourself.

much love

He calls you a C##T in front of your children?????

Sorry. Just shocked...

You cant put up with this.

Your children are listening and they are absorbing it and it WILL effect them.

Please leave.
I understand its not easy, please contact citizens advice bureau for some help.

Starting again from the bottom is better than your children being emotionally abused, because thats what is happening.

They will remember. It will effect them.
Please protect your children and leave

Horrible. He shouldn't use that word at you.
To be honest, I've seen the word used on here quite a lot, by women. It's almost as if women have 'reclaimed' it in recent years. It's not a good thing to say though and he should know better.

Thank you so much for the messages overnight.

I sat down with him once the children were in bed and made it clear that that is the absolute last chance he gets to use that language towards me. His response was 'when did this happen?' - he didn't even remember doing it! It gives some insight into why he thinks I should be perfectly nice and loving towards him if he can't even remember saying it! Anyway, I asked him if he thought his dad had even spoken to his mum like that or his grandad to his nan. It seemed to touch a nerve and he came back to the subject a couple of times throughout the evening even after I had dropped it and apologised.

A lot to think about Bundy. I will say about the money though, all cards and accounts are in his name only, I've never had access to anything to be able to manage it and with working only 1 day, any contribution I can make doesn't even make a dent in it. I'm not entirely sure where it's come from if I'm honest as I've certainly not been spending freely or without clearing it with him first.

That C word is quite horrible, especially directed at a loved one. But sadly the word is very much common place these days, like the F word,its used all the time with lots of people, not just men, but women too, They use the words as in every conversation,as it's just become part of their normal speech.. as in,once these words are in your brain,the words just roll out in every day conversations.
I am over 70 now, and up until my Mum died 14 years ago,,she used to be still telling me off,for saying bloody hell, or bugger off, and CRAP. ha ha,

1forAll74 - that's exactly what I'm thinking, it's just become part of his everyday language, if he can't remember even saying it! If someone were to say to me 'crackers, you remember that time last Wednesday when you said "oh bloody hell"' I wouldn't remember because it's something I would say (not in front of children obviously.) The word is just different.

Really? You're talking yourself into accepting that as your normality?

Category - no not at all, I'm just saying the word and the idea of using it towards me is so common to him he can't even remember doing it. I'm not saying it excuses him.

...and when he does it again. What then ? Don't make any threats unless you are fully preppared to follow it through.

@Crackers1428 my sis was a sahm and they have always had a joint account for joint things.
We have a joint account which we use for joint things and both have our own accounts for our separate things. We pay to the joint account from our separate sole accounts. Is there anyway you could look into this kind of arrangement. I pay less because I earn less .

I haven't made any threats. I'm just going to let it sink in with him for a few days. He was a bit shocked that I even remember the exchange let alone the use of the specific word so I think maybe it's given him something to think about.

even after I had dropped it and apologised.

Why did you apologise?

I'm not convinced that he can't remember telling you to "Fuck off you cunt". I think he's gaslighting you.

Bellini - yes I have suggested this, he just says yeah yeah then forgets about it.

Black cat that was badly punctuated, he apologized not me.

I think that's awful.

I've been with my partner 18 years and we simply don't swear at each other, even if we're disagreeing.

We see it as very disrespectful, and we're trying to teach our dc to be respectful, etc.

We don't call each other 'stupid' or 'idiot' either (or any other name calling, tbh), and the dc know it's disrespectful, and know it's something they're not allowed to use.

We've always explained it as:

if you have to resort to name calling then your argument isn't very strong, it's completely disrespectful towards the other person, and just shows that your grasp of the English language isn't great.

Sorry your dp doesn't respect you, and he's teaching your dc to be disrespectful, and to let anger take over.

Just be careful, OP.

I think he's chosen that word deliberately because he knows it upsets you after the incident with your mother. I can't believe that he doesn't know exactly what he's doing. Now you've called him on it I suspect he will change to a different tactic to abuse you.

He's not a good man.

It's horrible. I think swearing at a partner is awful anyway. You wouldn't swear at your work colleagues so why would swear at the person you’re meant to be in love with? I couldn't be with someone who spoke to me like that.

Oh OP. I'd say that the word is merely a symptom of the abusive marriage you are in, it isn't the issue.

It's less scary to focus on one aspect of a damaging relationship, but it's time now to take a step back and look at what your marriage gives you and what impact his behaviour will be having on the children. Difficult, but stopping him swearing at you like that wont solve anything to be honest.

My DH would call it me once and once only. It is the most despicable word and if my husband called me this I would be seriously worried!!!

I bet he does remember, he's gaslighting you. He's making out that it was such an insignificant event that it's not even worth him remembering it. He's minimising your distress.

LTB