I know it's just a word. ....but it upsets me

[Crackers1428]

Just canvassing opinions really.

My DP will often call me a c* - this is usually how disagreements start in our house.

I know it's just a word and given how often he uses it it probably shouldn't upset me but for some reason it really does lately.

I should add that I swear often although I don't use that word and don't really direct that kind of language at him in arguments. I grew up in a home where that kind of language was normal so I'm surprised that it's suddenly bothering me.

Obviously I have asked him to to use that language towards me, especially in front of the children but it falls on deaf ears.

I suppose I just want to see if I need a bit of a thicker skin or if this is really something that people won't tolerate?

Sirry for rambling, if you got this far, thank you for reading!

Esspee - thank you

I don't think there's any point in having a discussion with him unfortunately - he's not stupid, he knows how awful this behaviour is and he doesn't care. That's the crux of the problem.

Because your upbringing was so difficult it seems like you can't distinguish between behaviour that's annoying and needs to change and behaviour that is fundamentally disrespectful and abusive.

If he chewed with his mouth open or left socks around the living room you could have a discussion with him, where hopefully he would say sorry and make a strong effort not to do those things again.

But

He calls you a cunt deliberately to upset you and put you down - it's not minor annoying behaviour, it's deliberate abuse. If you have to tell someone to respect you and not treat you like shit the game's already over - no one who loves you should have to be told that.

By all means have a discussion with him if you feel you need to but be prepared for the very likely event that he will 1) pretend to listen and change for a week before calling you cunt again 2) pretend to listen and call you a cunt tomorrow 3) get straight in there and call you a cunt right away.

You don't deserve this shit and your children don't either.

Spaghetti - you're right, I definitely can't distinguish there.
I'm genuinely a bit shocked by how many people have reacted so strongly to this thread.

I can understand your shock, given your abusive upbringing - this is your familiar and normal. It's worth realising that it is possible to find a partner who loves and cares for you deeply, who would never call you a name, ever because they would never want to upset you. Partners do annoy each other of course, but caring partners just talk about it, they don't try to hurt each other and they don't shout abuse.

One thing I'm sure you don't want is for your children to grow up being unable to distinguish between normal behaviour and abuse.

Somewhere in your heart you know this isn't right - otherwise you wouldn't have posted. You have to hang on to that neglected abused child that you were, who is still hoping for things to get better, who still believes she deserves more. Because you definitely do.

I did wonder if you might have meant "cow". But then I would not appreciate my husband calling me that either.

I think because my family life growing up was similar I have just accepted this as very low level and not importan

Op. I grew up in a severely physically and emotionally abusivehome, if anything it caused me to vow never to let my child witness or endure what I did. To the extent I went no contact with them all not longer after she was born.

I genuinely don't understand how your reaction is it's fine for the kids to see the same as you and it's low level and unimportant. Your kid is sitting their crying and you are questioning if it's ok for your husband to say fuck off uou cunt and leave in front of them.

Your reaction to your upbringing is not something I can understand, but I accept some people grow up with it and then let their own kids see it because they don't see how wrong it is. It was simply not my reaction as a child or an adult.

Either way this is awful. I don't think we can over state that to you. What happens when your child starts saying it to you? How can you discipline when you let daddy do it to you?what about when they say it to their teacher, their friends. And say well that's what dad says to mum.

I think you do know absolutely how unacceptable it is, you just maybe don't know what to do about it,

Totally unacceptable. To do it in front of his children makes it all the more revolting.

What is he teaching them about how you treat/should be treated by a partner? Utterly appalling.

Bluntness - DS was crying over something unrelated before the incident this morning.

In all honesty, I have only recently come to accept that what happened during my childhood was totally unacceptable.

I model positive behaviour myself around my children....but I know that is not enough.

If I left and he were to have to have the children by himself half the time would he speak to them like this without me there?

Op, I mean this gently but how are you modelling good behaviour if you let your husband do this in front of them without comment from you? What do you think that teaches them?

And why does it matter if he will speak to them like that when you're not there, of course he will. He does it when you're there and let them think you're good with it.

I have been with my dh 30 years. He has never called me any name, not even "idiot", and neither have I. I won't allow my children to be called names either. I will tell them their behaviour was foolish or irresponsible but I would never label "them" with any negative name. It is not, never, harmless to direct anger at a person's soul rather than at their behaviour.

I see what you mean, I just meant positive behaviour in that I don't retaliate in kind. I don't call him names, I try to gentle parent my children, no smacking etc. I guess I hadn't really thought about the other side of it.

but he said he thought I was fine,

Of course he did! The last thing he's going to want is for you to see a counselor and then realize what a prick he is! Victims aren't that easy for abusers to find and they are loath to give up the one they've already 'conditioned'.

I'm in the US so can't help much with resources, but isn't there counseling available on the NHS? I know there may be a wait list, but waiting is better than none. There is also Women's Aid and Rights of Women. They may have resources to help. And the Freedom Programme.

I was in an abusive relationship (actually, two of them) and sought counseling after the second. It changed my life. It's odd, but I was the 'opposite' of you. My parents were lovely and very happy. So whereas your mum conditioned you to accept abuse because she was abusive, I saw my parents happiness and thought that it must be me that was 'wrong' as my dad never treated my mum badly. A belief that was reinforced by my exes.

I'm sorry to sound blunt but I'm struggling to comprehend this thread.
Are you physically afraid of this man because otherwise I don't understand why you take this abuse so passively.
Using that word in front of young kids, the mind boggles....

Across the pond - thank you, now I think about it I can probably ask at work and they will be able to point me in the right direction for that! And yes, it's bizarre, it just goes to show bits not one 'type' of person more likely to end up in this situation.

Femidom - this is very much how my mum used to speak to us all when I was growing up so it's just been a slow process of realisation.

I hate when men use the "c" word against women. Not only is it the most offensive word in the English language and abhorrent for that reason, but it also reduces a woman to just that - a hole to fuck. So when he uses that insult he is telling you you a not just a cunt but his cunt, a receptacle for his cock and no more. And don't even get me started on the use of the vagina, a thing of beauty, the origin of all human life as an insult and swear word against his wife, the woman who bore him children. I'm not surprised it upsets you OP you have good reason to be upset by it, it would upset me too x

Jovial - when you put it like that it's pretty awful!

I just don't know what to say, I can say 'its unacceptable, if it ever happens again I'm leaving' but I have no money and nowhere to go and he knows it so he will probably see it as an empty threat.

I have no money and nowhere to go and he knows it so he will probably see it as an empty threat

Ok, number one...work on that! There are always options so start planning for it quietly and put yourself in a better position in case you do decide in future to leave.

Secondly, are there things you do for him? Cooking, washing, sex? Tell him that unless he can speak to you respectfully you are not willing to engage with him in any way. Make it clear that today was the last day he's getting away with calling you that name (or any derogatory name). And that from now on, if it happens again, you will withdraw from him until he can be respectful, and follow through with it. That you can do without leaving.

ChristmasRaven - excellent plan, thanks.

imagine if your son went to school and used language like that to a little girl because he thought that was normal?
Having a heated row and swearing with your husband alone is one thing but being spoken to like a worthless piece of shit in front of your children is definitely on the far other side of the scale I’m afraid.
Me and my partner swear quite a bit when we’re alone or if we’re arguing (he does get called the occasional dickhead) but if he ever spoke to me like that in front of my children he’d honestly be chucked, I don’t know who on earth he thinks he is??

Shooting Star - I know I'm absolutely cringing hoping DS won't repeat it.

OP, I'm glad to hear you can access the freedom programme at work. Your employer may also have an Employee Assistance Helpline you can call to request some counselling. It would be totally confidential and free.

I think with the realisation of his abuse, and the strength you will gain from the FP, you will find a way to leave him, or kick him out. Try the Grey Rock technique in the meantime to help you get through this transition phase.

I know how hard this all is. I was you too. And I survived, rebuilt my self esteem and my life, and embraced single parenthood because that was far better than being abused every day and looking after a great big hairy manchild. You can do this too.

Have you considered other ways in which he mistreats you? Does he contribute to an equal share of household chores and childcare? Do you have joint family money and equal say on expenditure? Do you work outside the home and have any financial independence?

Rights of Women, or the CAB can advise you on housing and benefits. A solicitor can advise you on home rights, financial rights and child support.

Start gathering information now, and leaving him will suddenly seem much more doable. And you will be free to live your own life, protect your DC and be happy.

As for how he will be with them if you aren't there, probably better for them than if he has you as his verbal punchbag in front of them. You can always go for supervised access. If he is a lazy fucker, them he probably won't bother much, or will plan them off on his family when it is his turn to have them. But...cross that bridge when you come to it. You need to protect yourself first from the abuse, so that you can protect them.

There are definitely other things which aren't quite right which in isolation don't seem too bad but added together they can make me feel miserable at times.

Eg: I have been a sahm pretty much since my DS was born, I've had part time jobs and now currently do have a part time job outside the home. I haven't really had access to his accounts but have usually had a small part time income. This year he has started to ask me to send the majority of my earnings to him (he lost his job earlier this year which has gotten us in to a bit of a pickle financially, although there was already debt anyway )

He frequently complains about lack of sex, his attitude towards me depends largely on how long it's been since we last had sex and he can't see how speaking to me like this is a turn off.

I only work one day a week outside the home currently so I see to the chores.

Childcare.....if I want to go and do something he will look after the children, more than happy to take them out etc but expects a lot of leisure time in return.

Frequently complains about 'needing to explain himself' - by this I mean just letting me know if he's going to go out after work and be home late, if he's spent a large amount of money that we don't have on an expensive hobby etc.

To be honest, I wouldn't want sex with him either! He sounds a nightmare OP.

Get yourself a secret account set up, make the whole thing paperless (I believe almost all banks offer this option) and start stashing money away. Even if it's £5 here and there. Get your support networks built up, so invest time in any friendships you have. The freedom programme is also a great suggestion. As Bundy said, get all the information you need now, and if you decide to end the relationship it won't seem so daunting. Spend time on the things that you enjoy doing. In short, focus on you and not him.

Life doesn't have to be like this. A lot of us have been where you are and made it out the other side so much happier. You can do this

I don't have a problem with the word and it's used often in the house when the kids are asleep, but unless in jest, you don't call your partner a cunt. Ever.

You don't know what he says to the kids now when you're not around.

By staying silent you're not just letting them see that it's acceptable for him to speak this way, you're training them to be abused or to abuse in future relationships.