Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

[Whattheelf]

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

He may well have loved you and not been bothered about giving you money and you having children.

However, something has changed for him and you have to respect that, even if you don't understand it.

I get that you are being nasty about his new girlfriend (that you don't know) out of hurt, but slagging her off is very immature.

It takes more than sex and looks to sustain a long term relationship.

OP, you really need to work on yourself, for you and your children.

It's worrying to me you are raising children and believe the only thing a woman has to offer in a relationship of any value is her looks and good sex, and without those they are undeserving of love and a relationship.

The way you insult this new woman is not on, and neither is your tone of blaming time spent with your children for the break up. It sounds as if you begrudge them the time they cost with this man and blame them in a way.

Honestly, don't attack but look inwards. Why would you call a woman a stupid cow, but you've said she's most likely smart and at the same time say you had to look up the meaning of the word solvent. Stop with this hateful anger and reflect on yourself on the inside, not out. Looks don't matter in the long run.

Yeah and I bet she’s some ugly but clever girl from work or something

I'm afraid you lost my sympathy with this comment. Has it occurred to you that being 'ugly' isn't some kind of lifestyle choice?

He doesn't want a woman with children and precarious finances. He hasn't treated you particularly well, so draw a line under it and move on.

He doesn’t want a relationship with you.
He has told you why. He has been honest in that respect. He has moved on.

You need to accept it. Give yourself time. Be alone for a good while. Are you trying to replace your kids dad Concentrate on yourself and your well being.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong if I’m honest.

You say he never bet your kids then how can he be attached to them???

You should always put your children first. Any man who doesn’t realise that is not worth it.

I know it’s tough but you have to stop making comments about his girlfriend. You have no idea what their sexlife is like and it’s weird you’re even thinking about it.

You need to stop obsessing about them both and get on with your life. Not saying don’t be sad or upset but what you’re doing is not healthy for you or your children

Oh please.

I really don’t think it is about the money and your children, you are simply at different stages in your life, have different lives, different backgrounds and want different things.

There is no point of going back and review what you should have done different, because you cannot change the past. I don’t think accepting his money was wrong (people will have different opinions about these things but I agree with you that it is a good thing he cared for you enough to see for your most basic needs).

He is putting the excuse of the kids and the money because those are the things you can’t do anything about it, but putting it bluntly... he had lost interest already, found someone and met with you to double check who did he prefer. That is a very shitty thing for him to do.

You have done your best, it is time to accept he is not coming back and let him go.

Put your efforts into making your life secure and stable for you and your children.
If things really are difficult financially then make sure you're claiming what you can, go through your bills and see what you're spending money on that you can cut back.
Make it so that you don't/wouldn't rely on any man or anyone at all for that matter.
It's tough, I know I have been a single mum. But I never accepted money from my boyfriend in the early days (except date nights out or whatever) definitely not for day to day things unless he was having meals with us and when he started staying over more. He's my fiancé now.
Make sure you can stand on your own feet and be independent. That's the best thing you can do for your kids. Be a good role model

Yeah and I bet she’s some ugly but clever girl from work or something.

Nice!

The money he gave you shouldn't be the issue. If he's serious about taking on a ready made family then that means financially too. But maybe he's been giving too much before he was fully committed to you. He realized he didn't have the right feelings for you, so he resented the help he gave you. That was up to him though so don't feel bad about that.
He did not love you, if he did he wouldn't be asking to take breaks and telling you to see other people.
It hurts but you need to forget and move on. Being mean about his girlfriend might make you feel better but you don't really know anything about her, he could think she's amazing.
Dont beat yourself up about it, he wasn't the right fit for you and your family. But someone will be, I promise. I say that as a single mum of 3 who met the wrong guys, but I later met my husband and we have a 4th child together. When everything is going well with someone, they won't leave you in any doubt about their feelings x

I think your lashing out because your hurt.

Looks fade, you can't build a life on them sadly. This lass he's seeing hasn't hurt you, he has.

Someway I think that ugly people seem to focus more on what’s inside and tend to have more depth. He may have been impressed with your looks but really, looks only won’t cut it for a geek for long, intelligence would.

I really think the op needs to consider wether he gave the money willingly. Or felt he had to because the op said she couldn't keep a roof over her kids head.

The fact that he mentioned money being part of it, suggests that it was a concern of his.

Ok you need to be independent. Your kids MUST come first. The relationship isn't meant to be. And I think you need to look inwards to your behaviours.

Maybe what he saw was a nasty immature spiteful little shit that you're coming across as.

Go and do some growing up and forget about men and your fantastic ways with sex

He’s a good bloke. I can’t believe he’s not tortured by changing his mind

You've fallen for every line in the book. Including all the "this is the best sex ever" bollocks; that he's told you and everyone before you and he'll tell everyone after too. Geeky men do fine these days; and he seems to have enough confidence to be chatting to a few different women all the time - it's a line. As is all the "so lucky to be with you" stuff. And you know it, really; your ego just doesn't want to accept it.

He's not tortured. He had some fun; exchanging some of his money for some wild nights and a test to see if he's ready to settle down with someone. Then he backed out.

He's no different to anyone else. Stop putting him on a pedestal and work on your own life before you invite anyone else into it. He hasn't put you on a pedestal. He's made you his back up option for easy sex when his current flirtation is unavailable.

People on this forum really beggar belief sometime.

It's quite amazing how cold some of the women on here are, what kind of "advice" is this ? To summarise: it's no surprise he doesn't want to be shackled with you and your kids, you come with baggage, you are immature, nasty and vain and what kind of a man in his right mind would want to be with you ? Simply "accept it and move on" OP - that is all you have to do, easy peasy ! Just stop thinking about him !

I wonder if the same "advice" applies to other kinds of grief ? There is an embittered group of women on here who perhaps regret their own past so much they cannot understand love or heartbreak anymore and see it as kind of evidence of a character flaw.

It must be quite wonderful to be able to invest no emotions in other people and simply accept with absolute dignity any ending relationship. It's better OP to post these things on here than to say them in real life, although everyone has surely experienced them at some point in their life even if for some reason they prefer to pretend otherwise.

All men do not say "This was the best sex ever" after each orgasm. What bollocks. OP this was manipulative of him, not sure why he would say this although perhaps he has not had a lot of sex.

Try to take yourself out of the situation it for a minute. What would you say to a friend if this was happening to her ? Don't contact him anymore, take that one day at a time and trust it's the right thing to do, like stopping smoking or drinking or something like that.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

I think you need to take a break from relationships and concentrate on your children. You seem infatuated by this man because he was so nice to you. But please don’t neglect the children because you are trying to get this guy back. They are at a vulnerable stage in thier lives.

The guy has done nothing wrong. If a woman was with a guy and paying his rent and for his 2 kids, we would tell her to find someone who doesn’t sponge of you.

And when you texted him for sex, you were both single at the time. He broke it off when he found someone else.

He didn’t text you for 2 weeks/months but neither did you I guess. Anyway, you had broken up by then and were casual.

The man does sound like a great guy but you are both at different stages in your lives. Find someone who matches up with your circumstances.

Sorry wrong thread coffee hasn't yet kicked in. I've reported myself.

YOu come across as very bitter and spiteful and immature, and maybe he saw that in you, and it dawned on him that you and him were not compatible. To be honest, you sound like chalk and cheese. It is over, you cannot get him back, so you need to move on now, and support your kids yourself.

@Elonmask my sentiments exactly as i had already previously said ! Really quite dissapointing

I feel for you but you will move on, promise.

Lots of women love geeky men, they're very sought after!

OP, just heal yourself and forget this man. He has done nothing wrong. He chose to finish it with you, at least he didn't just disappear. He told you straight that he didn't want a ready made family and baggage which undoubtedly you have got.

And stop dissing his new girlfriend. She might well be more attractive and better at sex than you, whatever she's got, they have a connection. I know that's hurtful but you need to move on and realise you are not suited to each other, even if you felt you were for a while.

That’s not an accurate summary of the advice @ElonMask.

But she does need to move on. They split up weeks ago (based on the timescales in the first thread). And she does need to understand that he was perfectly entitled to end the relationship. The reasons he gave are completely legitimate ones - he doesn’t owe her anything.

She does need to sort her own life out to make sure that she’s financially stable and doesn’t need to rely on a boyfriend to support her. That is what is best for her and her children (not to make her more appealing to men).

And the attitudes she’s repeatedly posting about women who are ‘ugly’ and ‘clever’ are really quite nasty. They’re also unhelpful to the OP who would be better finding value in herself beyond what she looks like and whether she is good in bed.

I’m not sure ‘oh poor you, hun. He’s such a bastard. Yes you are too good for him’ is actually helpful to this OP, however much she’d like to hear that.