Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

[Whattheelf]

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

He told me the sex we had was the best ever

They all say that on the point of orgasm love

I have to disagree though about him not feeling the same. He absolutely 100% did. But he changed his mind because he got scared and I was stupid enough to accept his money when things were tight.

If he had felt 100% the same he wouldn't have changed his mind, love.

He's not coming back. Don't waste your time and energy, and don't abase yourself.

His new girlfriend may have money (yeah, I looked up solvent) but he’ll never get the sex off her like he did with me. Stupid cow

You are showing a bit of a grandiose narcissistic streak with posts like this. I understand you are hurt and venting but this sort of nonsense will win you no fans and it certainly won't bring him back to you.

I don't think this is just about the children. I think he has realised, over time, that you are very different people. Perhaps the age difference and the stark differences in your personality types seemed like fun and a breath of fresh air at first but he's come to realise that you are just not that compatible outside of the bedroom - which believe it or not, is just as important as being compatible in it. I sense that you lack maturity and finesse and perhaps that was starting to cause some problems for him.

You seem to be furious because you thought you'd won the lottery and all your problems were solved, and now you are back to square one. I wonder how much of this is actually about the loss of him as a person and how much of it is about losing your chance of a nice comfortable life with no money worries. If he'd been less financially successful would you have been quite so happy to overlook his slight geekiness? I'm going to take a punt and say probably not. You seem to believe that your hotness has more currency than it really does. As you are now learning, being hot isn't everything. In the end, it's worth very little, on its own.

I know what he means by needing something uncomplicated. Meeting someone who already has children is always more complicated and fraught with risk than meeting someone with none, especially when you don't have any yourself. It's very wise to be more cautious. Its the least the children deserve.

But in the end, feeling truly compatible and having faith that the relationship is right on every level makes us very optimistic. We can overcome all sorts of complications and adapt to accommodate them if it feels right.

Clearly this just didn't feel right for him and it wasn't just about the children. You have to accept that and be thankful that your kids won't face the disruption of losing yet another father figure a year or two down the line.

Op, you are your own worst enemy.

I was a SP at 26 with a toddler. I spent 5/6 years working 2 jobs and studying through the night with no childcare help. I was drowning in debt. I didn't have time to date, my only priority was giving my DD the best possible life. 10 years on I'm a high earner(as is DP) with a comfortable lifestyle.

I've been with DP for a few years, we were friends before our relationship. I didn't take money from him until he moved into my house. Years ago he was in a relationship with a SP, he said he realised it wasn't for him until he met me. You remind me a lot of his ex she is very pretty and he bailed her out when they were together. He realised they would always want different things in life. I'm sure she probably says I'm ugly, or shit in bed but it makes no difference we are very, very happy together. He knows I don't need him but I choose to be with him. If we ever broke up, my quality of life wouldn't change, I would still take my DD on nice holidays, she would still go to her school and all of her extra activities, I would still be comfortable. I know in part he was attracted to my independence.

I'm not telling you this to rub salt into the wound, but as someone who understands how money problems can take over your life. Please concentrate on your children and giving them a better life so you never have rely on anyone. I do think you miss some of the financial security he provided you. It sounds as if you took his offers of money as a sign of his commitment to you, when he realistically would have done it for anyone he was close to that was struggling.

In the nicest possible way work on your self respect. Surely at 26 you realise your looks don't mean anything?

When you're a single parent you don't have much time for dating, or much spare cash for fun things. A man is either ok with that or he isn't. A single, solvent man may want a partner who can match his interests financially and has time to go on weekend breaks and whatever, and as a single mum, that's not you.
That's nobody's fault, it just is.
Stop being a bitch about his new girlfriend, it's not a good look at all. And stop obsessing about what you did wrong.
In future though don't take money from a man to pay your bills. Letting him treat you because he has more cash than you is fine; needing him to stop you becoming homeless isn't. If he wasn't around you would have managed some other way so don't pretend he was the only one who could help - he was just the easiest one.

And I fucked it up by not being able to be there enough for him because of my kids and I shouldn’t have taken his money

So what would you do better? Be there LESS for your kids? For a man???
You can't know the reality of life with children unless you live with children so he may well have meant everything at the start. He's allowed to decide it's not for him after all. Which he's done. Let it go.

I, personally, could not stick it out long term with someone who always needed money from me. I might get all caught up in lust to begin but it would wear thin really quickly.

He told me the sex we had was the best ever

Oh ok then. Because they definitely don’t all say that...

You really, really don’t sound well matched. People can choose whether they would prefer to date someone without kids or with. Or someone who has roughly the same amount of spare cash as them for trips and treats and stuff. You need to (and will I’m sure) find someone who wants what you have to offer.

And you are being really awful about this new girlfriend who has done nothing wrong at all. The only fact you seem to have about her is that she doesn’t work in a supermarket so is in your view “clever”, but I don’t think that makes her ugly or bad in bed (not that I believe bad in bed is actually a thing anyway). She might be clever, might not. She might be conventionally attractive or not but whatever- he fancies her.

And as for this “he’ll come back” business, I think unlikely, but how much better will it be if he does and you’ve moved on and found someone who’s right for you? The best revenge is a life well lived and all that.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. You sound very unhappy. This makes me think you maybe didn’t have the love and care you needed as a child. I think you need a lot of love and cuddles from people, who love you just the way you are.

All of this comparing with his now gf is tearing you apart. It sounds as though he wants someone, who is his more like him. This woman is his financial and intellectual equal. She moves in his world and it sounds as if he wants to be with a woman, he can grow with. Your cannot compete with this however beautiful you are or however good you are in bed.

Your pattern of behaviour from both this guy and your ex indicates there is something lacking inside you. You have to love you, not for your body or great sex. But for who you are as a person. You need to stop defining yourself in terms of physical appearance. This is external and fades. Perhaps you are a good listener, a great mum or have been a really good friend in a time of need. This would be a start to loving who you are just because you are you.

So for now, lots of self care and cuddles with your kids. Having fun with them and identifying and loving yourself and the kid inside really is the way forward. Getting angry with yourself for not being enough is only hurting you and is the opposite to your goal of being happy.

If you don’t take the time to take care of yourself, this cycle will repeat itself. You need to take a break from men until you are happier within yourself.

Actions speak louder than words.

You would do good to remember that op. Talk is cheap. If this man wanted to be with you and loved you like you say, he would be with you now. Children wouldn't be an issue, he would want you, all of you and also wouldn't care what anyone else thought. He doesn't want it enough.

You sound like you have a very high opinion of yourself, it's good that you are confident but you have to realise that there is much more to a person than looks. They fade in time and what's left is the person, the personality, the humour, values etc.
You are probably very mismatched and the fact that you are being so horrible about his new partner shows the level of maturing you have, it's actually pathetic how you're saying she's probably ugly, crap in bed etc, fact is, she is with him and you aren't so she clearly has "something" you don't.

You also sound like you really resent your children. I've met your type before, shame on you. I wonder if you would have been as
into him if he was also a supermarket worker and not well off? I doubt it.

From what you've said so far, I can read you like a book. You've sat there of a night thinking about your cosy future with this man, no money worries etc and now it has all come crashing down.
No doubt you will sleep with him again soon. And he knows that. Have some self respect, you will go far with that.

If you love him like you say, you will wish him well and be glad he is happy. Clearly you need to grow up a lot and put your children first. There will be other men who come into your life and when it's the right one, you will know.

Desperation smells, be your own person, be a good role model to your children. You sound like you need some talking therapy and before you are ready for a serious relationship again you need to work on yourself.
You can't change what's done. You can't get him back by simply wanting it. Your behaviour on here shows that you are extremely childish and this man is 12 years
older than you and probably wants someone with the same mentality as him.

I feel sorry for your kids.

If he really wanted you, he would be man enough to take on your kids and the rest of the problems. He obviously doesn’t want you enough. It’s tough, but you will get through this and then be relieved you didn’t chase after him and make a tit of yourself

I think he has dodged a bullet here and ran for the hills.....

I wouldn't take you back either, your attitude is ugly. You appear to consider yourself better than anyone else, a real catch.

In reality you're a debt ridden chancer who was only interested in his money

I’m sorry you’re hurting. You sound very unhappy. This makes me think you maybe didn’t have the love and care you needed as a child. I think you need a lot of love and cuddles from people, who love you just the way you are.

I've just read the OP's other thread under a different user name and I am completely agree. I feel a bit sorry for her now.

Whattheelf I think you are struggling with feelings that you are not good enough, never were, and are taking rejection particularly hard because it just confirms your feelings about yourself, that you are not lovable. If you've been left before (especially by your father) then it becomes a personal mission just to prove you can make a man stick around and love you - even if your gut instinct tells you he he isn't necessarily the right one to keep hold of.

You need to understand that you can't base your worth on the man you are with or on amazing sex alone. And you can't make someone stay and force them love you when they've realised they don't.

People decide to end things for a million different reasons that sometimes even they can't properly articulate. They only know it just that it doesn't feel right any more. You can't change it or fix it, because sometimes there isn't even a concrete reason for it.

My gut feeling is that you may have started to talk about wanting children with him and he got freaked out by that and worried that you were pushing things in that direction too quickly in order to cement things. Please tell me you were using birth control when you had your passionate night of reunion with him?

Whatever he may have said or felt in the beginning, his feelings have changed. Whether he was a liar and a player or a good guy who just realised he needed to back pedal is irrelevant really. The outcome for you is the same. Dry your eyes, hold your head high and move on from it.

And I knew you'd have already introduced your kids to him. I didn't believe for a second that you hadn't yet done that and your other thread confirmed it.

Hopefully you will hold your horses a bit next time and don't go encouraging your children to 'adore' men who won't stick around for more than a few months.

I am hoping when the raw pal and anger subsides, you read this thread and are embarrassed. It sounds like you have growing up to do.

I am a single parent. So get it's hard. But you need to learn how to pay your own bills and not be reliant on someone else for it. Relationships come and go. Knowing you can pay your own bills, gives a sense of peace.

I commented on the thread referenced above about the woman, who was blocked by her ex. I don’t think it’s the same op at all. The writing style shows more maturity and self awareness. She also sounds more reconciled with the situation and further along in her grief. However I do think it would be a good read for this op.

Really Mummy? I think the style is identical and so many of the fundamental details of the situation are exactly the same, so few minor detail changes have done nothing to disguise that it's the same OP.

She uses so many of the same turns of phrase as well.

But I agree she sounds sadder and more vulnerable and rather less obnoxious on the other thread.

@Whattheelf trying to say this nicely, but will likely fail ... bear with me.
Firstly, two men have had relationships with you and have left now, thats life, it happens. Move on.
Second, your children's' dad should provide for them, if he's not then get him engaged with that, he made them too
Third, sorry but you found shallow and I think you'd do better with blokes perhaps if you tried to change this. It's clear you think you're a catch because you're good in bed, perhaps pretty? However it's not all about that, it's a very shallow attitude and can 'reel men in' but life together is more than sex/looks. You've got two children and need money so you don't earn enough to get by, it's not everyone's 'cup of tea' to find a girlfriend like that - you'll have to keep looking and try to sort your financials out without relying on a bloke
Also stop being so negative about his new girlfriend, so what if she's not as pretty as you she may have other qualities you don't have that he's interested in. As for the sex - it was a booty call you instigated ...have some dignity ffs

Essentially just move on and enjoy your children - make sure your babies dad is paying tho !

I agree that last op is this op.

I assume that her plan of him coming back from Christmas, having doubt s about his new relationship and not being able to stay away from her, hasn't worked.

Which is what's kicked off the raging anger.

OP you are not as good in bed as you think you are. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. And he isn’t. So move on. Have some self respect.

Trouble is

Thinking it's about appearance and sex and money , is running away from what it's REALLY about

He's just not that into you

I think some of the comments on here are awful , this women clearly has issues and was looking for guidance , im in full agreement with the whole attitude towards the new gf comments , yes it sounds shallow and yes she sounds incredibly immature , however since when did two wrongs make a right? quite clearly a few people on MN who are far more educated , further along in there life slating the op yet behaving much the same in the way they speak about her ? Baffling

I think it is the same poster a couple of bottles of wine down

You sound like you’ve had one too many drinks op

Why isn’t your DC’s father supporting your children by helping to pay for the rent through child support?

As for all the harsh comments about the new gf- I think your “love of your life” is better off with the new gf than you

Have some dignity for gods sakes

I got divorced a few years ago and I think their is more to life than “being in a relationship.

It doesn’t matter that he is with someone else or single. He doesn’t want to be with you. Dating is difficult as a single parent. Ready made families are not a great pull to most people. Personally I wouldn’t date a man with young kids, especially one who is not financially secure. Did you pay him back when you took his money to pay your rent and bills? Especially since he wasn’t living with you? Perhaps now is a good time to look at your circumstances and try to make things better for yourself and not focus on this man or any other guy for a while. Good luck OP.