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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DC picking on DH

133 replies

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 10:39

This is quite a worrying turn of events and I'd really appreciate some insight/views. To give some background, DH grew up with a v authoritarian father who did slap, expected perfect behaviour, parents' emotions prioritised etc. and has found the tough side of parenting tough, has been to counselling re anger and 80℅ of time is calm but other times is moody/critical/angry - a mix of these say. Tends to take normal children's behaviour personally.

Lately I notice the 2dc, also v well behaved 80℅ of time, wind him up and delight in annoying him.. I don't like it but I see dh is either v cross or permissive... It's hard to witness and obviously I step in and remind them of behaviour or simply distract them. He doesn't want to hear my view/advice and sees them completely wrong rather than my MO which is what can I do to change things . I've not heard of this before but it feels v off for some reason so said I would post for some views.

OP posts:
Original poster
mikado1 · 04/12/2018 11:15

Anyone?

OP posts:
Fabaunt · 04/12/2018 15:36

Put manners on your kids, they sound nasty

Original poster
mikado1 · 04/12/2018 16:19

Thanks for the insight!!

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Branleuse · 04/12/2018 16:21

So he neither has any authority over them, nor do they act like his friends? How the hell did that happen?

ButteryParsnips · 04/12/2018 16:22

Have you talked to the kids about why they've been like this lately? Can you think of any reason for it?

Is it definitely them that's worse, and not your husband reacting more?

Branleuse · 04/12/2018 16:22

how old are they?

ButteryParsnips · 04/12/2018 16:22

Also, how old are the kids?

Original poster
mikado1 · 04/12/2018 16:25

Thanks for responses. I actually copies it over in aibu as had no replies here. They are 3&6. This is a completely new development where by they seem to plan to annoy and rule him up- maybe 3 times in the last 8 days or so. It's just v unsettling. Yes he's reacting v much v quickly which ups the ante.

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pallisers · 04/12/2018 16:25

How old are they? I would talk to them apart from him. Sit them down and tell them you notice them trying to wind up their dad and it isn't acceptable or nice to do this so they must stop.

When I was in my early teens my mum told me that I was sometimes speaking unkindly to my dad who was a lovely but sometimes very irritating man. I stopped there and then - I hadn't really heard myself and hadn't wanted to hurt him but she was right.

pallisers · 04/12/2018 16:27

ok 3 and 6. Talk to the 6 year old about being kind etc. you can do it when the 3 year old is there. Tell him/her that in your family we are kind and don't try to deliberately annoy each other - sound as if you mean it too.

Original poster
mikado1 · 04/12/2018 16:29

Ok. Yes I've done that. I suppose I'm worried by his not seemjng able to handle this kind of thing, it makes me to slow to go out etc as I fear he'll explode... Tho he was closer to tears last night :(

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BatF1nk · 04/12/2018 19:48

Sounds a bit weird to me, the whole dynamic. Close to tears about what?

Sounds like he's the problem and not your children. Yes, tell them off, yes I still good behaviour etc but he sounds rather ineffectual and weak as a father so exploring why that is might help.

Original poster
mikado1 · 04/12/2018 20:02

Close to tears at them running rings around him and trying to poke and slap as they run by :(

I think the main issue is he can be both reactive and negative, particularly when tired. Says things like 'I knew you couldn't do it' and 'What is wrong with you?', which to me sound awful. He wants to crack down on any sibling kerfuffle or disagreement at all, which just isn't realistic or healthy imo but he seems to find any altercation v stressful. I spoke to dc6 again re kindness but I know he knows this, it just feels like fun maybe at the time.. dc6 was playing with a lollipop earlier and using it as a sword Vs dc3 and his Lego car and having asked him to stop he then took it, broke it into pieces and threw it in the bin. I just think there's no need, it's Ott... But maybe I'm wrong and I need to expect more from the DC..

He has told me now that he tries so hard for the middle ground and i don't see that, but sometimes he simply can't and sometimes doesn't know what to do when they're acting up, other than get angry..

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Oblomov18 · 04/12/2018 20:08

Changed my mind now I know their ages.
They are only young.
But why are they doing this? Wanting to wind him up, is odd. Where is their love for him? Their respect?

ButteryParsnips · 04/12/2018 20:25

He needs to walk away when they're like this, except in the very unlikely event they're actually in physical danger from what they're doing. They're small enough to find people being shocked / angry funny and have probably noticed it gets them attention and a reaction. A lack of one will reduce the fun of it for them.

Does he use sanctions like taking toys away, sending them to their rooms, time out etc, when they do this and particularly when they poke/slap?

Original poster
mikado1 · 04/12/2018 20:33

Tbh when they're giddy like they have been recently, toys etc won't make a difference and might actually sound quite desperate, if you can imagine that scenario. Yes, he has walked away, but actually leaves house, and often quite late in the day. But talking it through helps me realise that, he needs to leave earlier. I know too however, that they'll see their effect here. Knowing them I feel minimising, preventing would work best but he really doesn't want to hear what I'd do.

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TBDO · 04/12/2018 20:39

Sounds like he needs learn / read up on strategies he could use to diffuse situations and distract DC when they are giddy.

Has he ever done any independent research into how he wants to parent? You say he doesn’t want to learn from you and what you’d do. So what does he do - does he think he can learn it by himself with no external output, given he did not have good role modelling when growing up?

If his father was very authoritarian, it’s going to be hard to deal with DC. His natural fall back will be that the DC should fear him and not mess around, as he much have been too scared to mess around when he was a young boy.

Original poster
mikado1 · 04/12/2018 20:43

That's it exactly. Like I say I have a library of books here, no joke but he's never reached for one. I send him relevant articles but I don't even think he reads them and I did suggest a parenting course but he was highly offended..

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TBDO · 04/12/2018 20:50

I don’t know what to suggest if he won’t help himself.

I’m a bit concerned that you think your DC are picking on DH. I don’t see it that way at all. They are only young and testing boundaries - sounds like your DH is really inconsistent which means the DC don’t know when it is and isn’t acceptable to be giddy.

Also your DH could look at why the DC get this way - is he winding them up, are they in a good routine for dinner / wind down time / bed? Is he giving them both attention or are they getting giddy to actually get some attention from him if he’s (for example) focused on his phone / tv / not really engaged.

Be careful of branding your DC as naughty if it’s actually your DH that needs to be more consistent as a parent.

BackforGood · 04/12/2018 23:52

Like TBDO I am concerned that you are blaming 3 and 6 yr olds for "picking on dh". That really is ridiculous. Okay, you've only given us the one example, but if that is typical, it is your dh with the problem, not two little children who are just finding their way in the world, testing boundaries in what ought to be the security of their home with their parents.
I don't want to make rash statements about someone I don't know, from just the one example, but, if the lollipop stick incident is typical, then he really needs to get himself some help before they get to an age when they really can 'wind him up' or challenge him properly.
A 'Positive parenting' course sounds like a good place to start.
This is a dh problem not a dc problem.

Original poster
mikado1 · 05/12/2018 07:10

I think my title might have misconstrued my actual feeling, but hopefully my info hasn't, i agree with you and I'm not branding them naughty at all. My concern is why this is coming about and DH's reaction. The lollipop stick incident was shocking to me. No, not a toy but still something broken and dumped. I wondered if anyone would pick up on it.

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Believeitornot · 05/12/2018 07:32

The dcs aren’t picking on your dh.

He should stop acting like a victim and accept responsibility for being the adult, the parent.

53rdWay · 05/12/2018 08:21

Can you suggest both of you doing a parenting course, so he can hopefully see it less as a personal criticism of his parenting and more as “let’s learn some new approaches together”?

(I don’t think the problem is with both of you, it seems clearly with him and you shouldn’t need to soft-touch him on that, but given how important it is for your DC’s future that he get a grip on this I’d consider it worth saying whatever it took to get him to try changing his approach.

Original poster
mikado1 · 05/12/2018 08:43

Well that's it and that's where my discomfort is coming from, you're right, he's in victim role instead of leader. He took How to talk so kids will listen when I offered it to him last night. Yes perhaps a parenting course together. I know he feels criticised by me and I know that's not good and yet when he broke that lollipop stick I feel like the DC should know that was very wrong.

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Branleuse · 05/12/2018 09:07

he sounds like a wet blanket tbh.
We all know what its like to get stressed when kids are being a pain, and yes it can feel like theyre winding us up deliberately, but theyre children, sometimes theyre naughty and sometimes theyre hyper, and sometimes they play a bit roughly, but its not personal. Theyre not doing it AT him. Theyre really little. It sounds like he cant tolerate normal childrens behaviour. Wants to punish playing, wants to take control over stuff that is not necessary, sweats over the petty stuff and then blames the children for his own inability to manage. That sounds pretty wearing.