Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

DC picking on DH

133 replies

mikado1 · 04/12/2018 10:39

This is quite a worrying turn of events and I'd really appreciate some insight/views. To give some background, DH grew up with a v authoritarian father who did slap, expected perfect behaviour, parents' emotions prioritised etc. and has found the tough side of parenting tough, has been to counselling re anger and 80℅ of time is calm but other times is moody/critical/angry - a mix of these say. Tends to take normal children's behaviour personally.

Lately I notice the 2dc, also v well behaved 80℅ of time, wind him up and delight in annoying him.. I don't like it but I see dh is either v cross or permissive... It's hard to witness and obviously I step in and remind them of behaviour or simply distract them. He doesn't want to hear my view/advice and sees them completely wrong rather than my MO which is what can I do to change things . I've not heard of this before but it feels v off for some reason so said I would post for some views.

OP posts:

Original poster

mikado1 · 11/12/2018 10:06

Thanks AnotherEmma

OP posts:

Original poster

mikado1 · 11/12/2018 11:53

There's a tiny part of me that thinks if our sex life has survived he would be happy and we wouldn't have had these issues...

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 11/12/2018 12:32

But do you want a husband who takes his sexual frustration out on his children?!

Original poster

mikado1 · 11/12/2018 12:37

Which is such a sad thing to say.. no I don't but I do wish it had never come to this.

OP posts:

Original poster

mikado1 · 11/12/2018 14:31

jamaisjedors it's here!

OP posts:

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 11/12/2018 20:34

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

Original poster

mikado1 · 12/12/2018 11:39

I have confided in a friend. She wonders if I give him a strong ultimatum re getting help before ending things completely... The thing is what then is 'the line'? If he ever shouts again? We're all sometimes pushed to the limit so I would find that almost impossible to call.. I am also slow to suggest counseling after the abuse comment.

OP posts:

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 12/12/2018 12:33

You have tried so hard to find solutions, and he has just thrown all that back in your face and tried to turn this on you.

I think you are beginning to see the truth, and once that happens it is so much harder to lie to yourself.

I have no doubts that you have tried, but you cannot do this alone. It shouldn’t be this hard. Relationships are not supposed to be like this

AnotherEmma · 12/12/2018 12:40

In my first reply I did suggest an ultimatum.
What I think could work is a temporary separation, he moves out and does a parenting and/or anger management course (either online or in person). He could spend the day with you and the kids at weekends and you could see if his behaviour improves. If it does you could consider him moving back in or maybe staying over and dealing with bedtime.

maximumcarnage · 12/12/2018 13:33

I agree with trial seperation suggestion. I have some first hand experience with a violent parent. It's bad now, imagine when your kids are older and they really start playing up. Imagine them as teenagers? He's hardly holding it together now. One day he is going to snap, he will explode and people are going to get hurt. It's painful, it's horrible but you need to resolve this now. Best of luck.

Original poster

mikado1 · 12/12/2018 14:33

Would you see this as violent?

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 12/12/2018 15:17

Personally I wouldn't give an explicit ultimatum but if you separate I would explain it was because of his lack of effort to improve his parenting. He needs to figure out himself that he needs to improve and actually be committed to it. No point going to parenting classes if he isn't invested in it and so won't engage or reflect.

He just sounds like someone who doesn't understand children and is taking a toddler and a 6 year olds giddiness (which has now escalated) as some sort of personal slight or attack. Eventually his reactions are going to stop being "haha poke the bear" and become scary for all. Or physical.

category12 · 12/12/2018 15:18

They're so little, they have to come first.

pointythings · 12/12/2018 15:52

With hindsight, my late H was like this. Not as bad - but he reacted very disproportionately to the most minor things and it did stress the DDs out. I had to pull him up on it only to be accused of 'undermining' him. Then one day he told me that we were slack parents because our girls (teenagers by this time) swore occasionally. Pointing out to him that it wasn't 1952 any more and that the world was different just got me told that 'he didn't like the world the way it was now'.

Things got a whole lot worse, but that's a different story. But your H doesn't sound as if he has any insight or any inclination to change so at the very least a trial separation is needed now. Protect your DCs.

Original poster

mikado1 · 14/12/2018 10:06

Well, before I had my say, he came home and looked ashen faced and so serious. When the dc were playing he said he has been wracked with guilt over his behaviour and its effect on ds1 particularly. He said he couldn't get it out of his head. The old me would have rushed to reassure but instead I said the only thing to do with that is to ensure it stops now, completely. I said if he was out of control he had to sort it. He agreed. He also said unequivocally not having sex was not abuse. So..

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 14/12/2018 10:07

So...?
What's he going to do about it?

Original poster

mikado1 · 14/12/2018 10:19

I feel that is his responsibility now, previously I would have got involved, pressurised so I am going to see if it ends and if there's one more explosion, that's it, he's out. I am wondering if it would be appropriate for him to talk to ds and say he has done these things wrongly, (he generally apologises after each incident) but to say he was very wrong, he's sorry and he won't do it again.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 14/12/2018 10:35

Do you really think he's going to be able to stop completely with no outside input to help him manage his anger and understand effective parenting? Really?

You are just waiting for him to blow up again. Nothing has changed, there have been no consequences.

Original poster

mikado1 · 14/12/2018 10:42

It's up to him now. I personally think he needs professional help but I'm beyond telling or helping with that so if he doesn't get it and doesn't hold it together, that's that. That's the consequence. I am actually too tired to talk him through, explain effect, look for counsellors etc. Ive done it and have been left feeling he's done it under duress,'for me'. So I'm going to leave him to be responsible for his behaviour and I will be responsible for mine. I couldn't say that I am also wracked with guilt as I should have been stronger before this. Ds1, extremely intuitive, asked me this morning if people could break up from marriages.. I think he's sending everything.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 14/12/2018 10:44

Fair enough.

Seaweed42 · 14/12/2018 10:46

Now he's going back to the victim position again. You may start hearing about how he's so wracked with guilt, oh I'm such a bad person, I'm such a bad parent etc. All the Me, Me, Me stuff again if you notice it'll ALL be about him. How others 'made' him how he is.
Your children are behaving absolutely normally for kids that age.
Your DH is kicking off all the time because he's jealous of the kids getting 'Mummy's' attention all the time.
You didn't tell us that you had purposely withheld sex to punish him for his bad behaviour. Was that a purposeful decision or something that seemed to happen.
So Mummy ignores Diddums. Then Diddums gets increasingly annoyed at the 'other kids' who seem to get all Mummy's affection and patience. Also happens if your own family take up some of your time if someone is sick or something, your DH will start kicking off bigtime.
Your DH cannot express his feelings so he has to Act Out all the time. Then you get the grumpiness, the Loud Sighing, the door slamming, the Huffing, use the Little Poor Me voice.

Seaweed42 · 14/12/2018 10:55

The simple fact is that some men really only got into a relationship and a marriage because they wanted a new Mummy all to themselves. And they get that in the first few years.
Then when kids come along it's different. It's stays OK-ish when the kids are very small but when the kids start to become their own people then the trouble starts. The partner then starts seeing them as the competition for the partner's attention.
You could say something to him like 'do you think you sometimes feel you have to compete with the kids for my affection?' and 'you do understand that kids need a parent's time and patience more than an adult. It's not a question of either them or you'.
Our kids can remind us of ourselves at that age and bring back memories of how we used to feel.

Original poster

mikado1 · 14/12/2018 11:16

Thank you. AnotherEmma, I know you're maybe frustrated with me and your voice is in my head but I'm feeling strong on this.

Seaweed, I didn't 'withhold' to punish, I simply had absolutely no inclination with an angry man. Yes he has a lost s big chunk of me since dc came and I was certainly touched out especially in early years, when damage to us as a couple definitely happened.

He is incredibly supportive wrt my DPs, both unwell. So that bit doesn't ring through. Yes re back into victim, which was why I wasn't sympathetic, just said do something with that so.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 14/12/2018 11:26

Perhaps I am frustrated but more with him... in any case it's not my place to be frustrated, it's your life and your family. I really hope things improve. Just make sure you show your husband and children that you won't tolerate him abusing them.

Original poster

mikado1 · 14/12/2018 11:30

I will. I have told a family member who has seen silent moods but also aware of his love for DC, and that was comment, so actually I'm not going to discuss again as I don't think that's the thing to concentrate on at mo.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6