DC picking on DH

[mikado1]

This is quite a worrying turn of events and I'd really appreciate some insight/views. To give some background, DH grew up with a v authoritarian father who did slap, expected perfect behaviour, parents' emotions prioritised etc. and has found the tough side of parenting tough, has been to counselling re anger and 80℅ of time is calm but other times is moody/critical/angry - a mix of these say. Tends to take normal children's behaviour personally.

Lately I notice the 2dc, also v well behaved 80℅ of time, wind him up and delight in annoying him.. I don't like it but I see dh is either v cross or permissive... It's hard to witness and obviously I step in and remind them of behaviour or simply distract them. He doesn't want to hear my view/advice and sees them completely wrong rather than my MO which is what can I do to change things . I've not heard of this before but it feels v off for some reason so said I would post for some views.

I was just trying to get across the middle ground. But I'll bow out cos I can see its not really a thread for that.

I do recommend the book. Best of luck.

There is nothing wrong with the middle ground Elspeth!! Don't take offense.

Please don't think I don't appreciate your input. I do agree I could be firmer.

Thanks ButteryParsnips I know that technique, I must remember it.

My ex was incredibly similar to this. The shouting is terrifying to children, even if they look like they're used to it.

My ex became short critical of our eldest and the youngest was his obvious favourite. That didn't stop him shouting and slamming doors, punching walls, crashing pots, kicking table legs etc.

I found out much later that he'd been seen punching our eldest in the back to make him get in the car faster. At home he never did that. So although I thought it was 'only' shouting, it hadn't been.

Beware, OP, it escalates. And even if it stayed the same, it's so damaging to children and you to put up with this level of anger.

Please don't wait for a better reason or excuse to leave. Your children are soaking up dreadful, unloving behaviour and, like me, you're trying to fix it for them instead of keeping them safe.

Observing again, I see one big issue is attempting to control the DC's actions, and the natural sibling testing behaviours, v often sorted by themselves, he'll jump in; makes things tense. He doesn't want any upset between them. I know I've mentioned this before. Ironically, he gives 300 warnings, getting more and more annoyed if something does crop up and at that stage it's negative attention overload. It's maddening.

I don’t think there is necessarily one ‘best way’ and i’m Sure you know ur kids best but there is a danger that by just letting them sort it out by themselves basically means the big one bullies the little one (I had 4 siblings and this happened).

True that micromanaging just stresses everyone out. I guess it’s about picking your battles... maybe get DH to prioritise the things he would like correct and do them one at a time. Like when you’re potty training, you might relax a bit on the food fussiness etc. It would probably work best if you also pick your kids up on the chosen aspect (eg no snatching) and apply the same sanctions consistently with DH.

Also - is he experiencing work stress? May affect his general mood and how much he can tolerate. Maybe rope in some grandparents/babysitters so you can have an evening off with just you and DH?

Thanks Namenic I would agree with you, I'm very vigilant but still try let them sort it. Eg sometimes there's a snatch, then a complaint, then a discussion/negotiation and then back to playing. That can be so positive for both.