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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just given Dh an ultimatum

145 replies

darksideofthemooncup · 03/12/2018 01:13

I will try to be brief. Been together for 18 years, married for 10 one Dd who is nearly 11.
Throughout our relationship he has been self employed, he has always worked in the same industry and is very knowledgeable about the product he sells. However, he is a fucking terrible business man, every single incarnation of his business has fucked up and lost people money, including my family.
We rent and have absolutely no savings, I had to take out an IVA as we lived on credit for so long. I have no idea how he isn't bankrupt,
Over the years I have taken second jobs to keep our heads above water and after our dd was born he was insistent that I worked with him which I hated.
2 years ago our business was forced into administration owing hundreds of thousands of pounds, I immediately got a job in a supermarket but my Dh somehow convinced my father to invest 40k in him to help him start again. (I really didn't want my DF to do this but my Dh can be very convincing)
The inevitable happened and the money is gone, my Df is furious (rightly so) and I am stuck in the middle of all of it.
My Dh also has a very expensive hobby that he refuses to give up.
We live within catchment of an excellent secondary school, I'm no longer at the supermarket but have a part time job that has prospects so tonight I told him if our dd gets into the school and I go full time in my job in September and things haven't changed for him (ie he gets a job) I'm off.
His response? He doesn't want to work for some massive company and make them money and it would be really hard for him to have to answer to a boss.
I think I have my answer don't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 03/12/2018 01:13

Hmm not so brief!

OP posts:
Barmaid101 · 03/12/2018 02:31

He is not going to change. You would be better off without him.

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/12/2018 02:35

Why wait till September

Iusedtobeginger · 03/12/2018 02:42

He’s selfish and you already know that. My ex was self employed and wouldn’t work for anyone else, even when we were struggling, so I get it. I’d still try to discuss, but don’t be blind and trust your gut feeling. It’s so hard, but you will be ok.

Big hugs.

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/12/2018 02:50

What's his answer to the situation?

Now he's thrown everyone's money in the toilet.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2018 02:50

An ultimatum means fuck all unless you enforce it.

FGS, stop wasting your life on this twat. Enough is enough, surely.

Topseyt · 03/12/2018 02:55

September is 9 months away. Why wait that long when you already have your answer?

maximumcarnage · 03/12/2018 03:06

His priority shouldn’t be get rich schemes, expensive hobbies or his own self importance. It should be his family. That is to say you and his child. It’s clear neither have been a priority. It’s not rocket science. Few of us get to do the work we really love but it’s about earning pay so that we can keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

He should stop with this nonsense, get a real job. Bring in a wage to help with the family and pay what he owes. Cut back or even give up his hobby so that he can focus on you and be a better partner.

He’s made it abundantly clear where his priorities lie. And it’s not you or his child. You have to leave. If he has any desire to keep you he’ll make those changes to win you back. I suspect he won’t. In which case you should be free to pursue a life that’ll make you happy.

Windgate · 03/12/2018 03:19

Ultimatums only work if you are actually prepared to carry them through. You've issued yours and he's given his answer. Time to get your ducks in row and see if you can find somewhere to rent.

Shinesweetfreedom · 03/12/2018 03:24

I take it you need the address to get into the school.

kateandme · 03/12/2018 03:53

oh wow im so sorry.you have been through the ringer.
I know it must be easy for us to say leave him now.which is an initial reaction im sorry to say when we read what has been done to you and your family here.
but obviously you love or did once love him and have memories and a life built alongside eacohter so easier said than done perhaps?
but when does the hut become too much?
do you love him?
more than anything o you want to be with him?because ok you can be put through a lot and people fuck up royaly but love and vice versa with care and appreciation in your relationship means you figure it out.but is this how it is for you.is he worth this pain?
it doesn't look like he will change and even continu to make things worse for you and your family.
im surprised you've lasted this long.
im sorry this is happening and I know you must feel conflicted and possibly scared of whats next.but sounds to me like you can really make a good life for yourself.
well done on the job front.
plus if you are in as much financia shit as you are you dh would be and should be doing any bloody job going to get it sorted.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/12/2018 04:01

I don’t know how you could have let your DF invest money given your hubby’s business history. I hope you were vocal with your DF at the time that it was a bad idea.
Your hubby sounds selfish, doubt he will get a job 🌸🌸

Cawfee · 03/12/2018 04:28

How selfish is he!! Can’t you make him move out? You can then apply for all the single parent benefits. Do that calculation. You might be better off!

MissedTheBoatAgain · 03/12/2018 05:07

Dh can be very convincing

Sounds like has avoided bankruptcy by conning others into keeping his business afloat.

showmeshoyu · 03/12/2018 07:25

He's delusional... He believes he can make it and will rinse everybody he can to achieve that. Do not sink any more money into this person. Not one single brass penny more.

swingofthings · 03/12/2018 07:31

OK so he's deep inside ashamed and now massively on the defensive because he is petrified at having no choice to accept the inevitable that he has come to the end of the road with his business and needs to face reality that its not going to happen and yes, he will have to do what millions have to and report to a boss we often don't like and agree with and yes, it will be much harder for him because he had the luxury not to do for all those years so the adjustment is going to be painful.

Frankly it's a real pity you didn't give him an ultimatum much sooner. I would have given it two or three years max.

Holidayshopping · 03/12/2018 07:34

I can’t believe you let your father lose £40k to this man.

I would go full time at work now and end this toxic relationship now-I don’t really see why you need to wait. I think it’s gone well beyond the time for ultimatums and needs you to just take control of the situation.

itsfuckingnotducking · 03/12/2018 07:40

So you're married to a con artist. Why didn't you leave him years ago? How could you let your dad give him money?

Leave him now for God's sake.

DonnaDarko · 03/12/2018 07:45

I wouldn't issue an ultimatum with an if. Regardless of what school your DC gets into, and if you go full time, he needs to get a job. So the ultimatum should have been get a full time job or it's over.

schopenhauer · 03/12/2018 07:51

Ask him to leave since his hobby and conning others (including family) out of large sums of money are more important to him than you and dd. Why wait?

KnightlyMyMan · 03/12/2018 07:51

OP you ‘didn’t want your DF to invest’ but did you spell that out?
Did you actually say to DF - “I really think this is a bad idea and DH is going to lose your money.”

If you did then I’d honestly say you’re not to blame in your DF losing his money and don’t need to be in the middle just say “ I told you this would happen- I warned you and you didn’t listen to me”, but if you just thought it and let the situation unravel then you’re really part of your DH’s con aren’t you? 🤔

Also, yes you need the address for DD to get into school but you don’t need DH living there. I can’t believe you’re contemplating staying with this selfish idiot for another 10 months! Tell him to get out and change the locks! See how long his ‘expensive hobby’ lasts when he’s having to pay to keep a roof over his head!

Parky04 · 03/12/2018 07:55

He is not a con artist. He is just crap at running a business. OP he is selfish and only you can decide if you still want to be with someone like this. Personally, I would have left a while ago.

QueenofallIsee · 03/12/2018 07:59

I am so sorry OP but yes, you have your answer x he had no issues taking your fathers money to maintain his selfish wants, he won’t change

LegoAdventCalendar · 03/12/2018 08:08

Your husband is an entitled cunt who believes he's too good for work and the world owes him a living. Why bother with ultimatums? Stop wasting time with him.

bethy15 · 03/12/2018 08:13

Your husband is a con artist, the fact he lost that much of your fathers money, it's unbelievable.

I think you should have made this ultimatum earlier, like when he was asking your father for life changing money. 40K is a lot of money, you should have told your husband and father no and gave him the money back and gave the ultimatum then.

He cannot be trusted at all.

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