I've just given Dh an ultimatum

[darksideofthemooncup]

I will try to be brief. Been together for 18 years, married for 10 one Dd who is nearly 11.
Throughout our relationship he has been self employed, he has always worked in the same industry and is very knowledgeable about the product he sells. However, he is a fucking terrible business man, every single incarnation of his business has fucked up and lost people money, including my family.
We rent and have absolutely no savings, I had to take out an IVA as we lived on credit for so long. I have no idea how he isn't bankrupt,
Over the years I have taken second jobs to keep our heads above water and after our dd was born he was insistent that I worked with him which I hated.
2 years ago our business was forced into administration owing hundreds of thousands of pounds, I immediately got a job in a supermarket but my Dh somehow convinced my father to invest 40k in him to help him start again. (I really didn't want my DF to do this but my Dh can be very convincing)
The inevitable happened and the money is gone, my Df is furious (rightly so) and I am stuck in the middle of all of it.
My Dh also has a very expensive hobby that he refuses to give up.
We live within catchment of an excellent secondary school, I'm no longer at the supermarket but have a part time job that has prospects so tonight I told him if our dd gets into the school and I go full time in my job in September and things haven't changed for him (ie he gets a job) I'm off.
His response? He doesn't want to work for some massive company and make them money and it would be really hard for him to have to answer to a boss.
I think I have my answer don't I?

Twice, no because he won't leave

IMHO, you should look at moving now, you cannot put your whole life on hold to try to possibly get a place in school.
Move to somewhere where you can get a good job.

OP i think you have done right thing to leave but you arent to blame at all. Your DF made his investment despite your concerns so that’s his lookout though i appreciate you would feel bad, but it was his decision.. make plans, get DD into school and then move forward without him. Life will be much easier in time good luck

Mix I have a good job, it is currently part time but it will be full time in September, my bosses have already agreed to that as there is an expansion in the offing.

IMHO, you should look at moving now, you cannot put your whole life on hold to try to possibly get a place in school.
Move to somewhere where you can get a good job.
Your marriage is clearly over & you would be making the best out of the ashes

Sorry, something wrong with my internet !

There is no point waiting and planning. You are in debt and your (as you defined it) business owes your father £40k. An act of good faith would be that both of you work FT to pay off debts. If your DH doesn’t do it then you need to do it.

Your father invested in a business you referred to as “ours” and you worked there. That’s why he invested, otherwise there are plenty of brokers who could have safely invested £40k for him. He did it out of love for you. You can call it as his problem and do nothing or you can try to show willing to pay it back. I know what I would do.

Your husband is a write off in that respect. He does not have the moral fibre to see this is a debt he should repay. As long as you stay with him and neither of you is working FT, it is a kick in the teeth to your dad. As a parent I would forgive the loss of money but the not the choice to stay with this man, whatever your reasons.

Your post confirms again that you are planning to leave unless he changes. It is hardly unequivocal. if he told you he was looking for a job, then it’s ok?

well if he got a job, then Op could wait till september, & they could bung her dad £500 a month

You should leave now then. School applications are submitted based on where you live at the time of application. So if you’ve already applied, then you’ve followed the rules properly and have done nothing wrong.

Give notice on your tenancy and find yourself somewhere new to live with the children without him.

Do you know my dad Lemon? Do you know all the ins and outs of the situation other than what I have posted here?
No you do not, so please stop telling me that I am to blame for this, I've had enough of that from my Dh over the years.
You know nothing of my situation other than a couple of paragraphs that I have written here.

OP, you are not to blame, I know what it’s like, you spend far too much time fire fighting in that position , appeasing your H and good judgement can easily go out the window, unless anyone has walked a mile in the same shoes I really don’t think you should be berating the OP. I think it’s the right decision OP and your dad may be far more willing to help you personally if he is able and needs be if that decision is made . I wouldn’t obsess about schools, Far too many do

My sympathies OP. Agree you need to make plans to leave, but if you can wait it out until March then do so.

But try to emotionally detach from him, don't expect anything from him, and make your plans assuming you will get both from him.

I know this is a side issue, but tuck this piece of information away for later. When you turn 50 you will be eligible for a free appointment with pensionwise. They will be able to give you information about how you will stand with your work pension and the state pension. How to find out how much income you will have. That will take the fear of the unknown out of it. And you will still have some working years to improve your position.

Thank you George

You're welcome. You will find them via gov.uk.

For now, I don't see that you can do much more than wait until September, other maybe than take a second job to stash some money away. And gather together financial info that you will eventually need in the divorce settlement.

There is good info about divorce on the advicenow website.

I'm concerned that the £40k your dad will never get back is the tip of the iceberg. People like this are adept at hiding how badly they're got in debt to fund their lifestyle. At any rate, start separating financially as much as possible and try to do some digging, my guess is that he's got even more debt.

He has no respect for you at all whatsoever! What an arsehole! We used inheritances we got on both sides to pay a hefty deposit on our house. He blew yours on himself. You could have possibly used it to buy a little place for you and your daughter, but he is such a self-centred twat he blew it.

He will never get a job until he totally crashes, winds up on the dole and the JobCentre literally force him to take whatever's going or starve.

He's a workshy lazy freeloader who thinks he's a cut above everyone else.

Have you thought of how your daughter will get to school on her own if you have moved out of the area and you are working FT? Things like this are things you can try to plan for and control before leaving him.

When is your tenancy agreement up? I wouldn't renew it but go month to month in case it really goes tits up and you need to split before planned.

Start digging, squirrelling away any money you can.

I think the £40k will just have to be a write off. He'll never pay it back because he'll never get a real job.

Start living on Planet Reality and putting yourself and your daughter first.

OP, may I make a suggestion? I would formally register your separation through a solicitor. I know it sounds like a big step, but by doing this you can ensure that you're not liable for any further debts he's likely to rack up between now and September knowing that his cash cow is about to leave. I get that you need to stay for the school place but protect yourself and get your ducks in a row in the meantime.

is DH is primary carer ?

OP ignore the people who are sticking the boot in.

And the people suggesting you go full time.

A) OP can’t as she has to take her kid to and from school.
B) if she did that and her DH becomes the person doing that he could claim to be the primary carer.

Stupid and reckless advice.

Your feeling about his reaction to the ultimatum are valid OP. He doesn’t sound like he’s willing or able to change unfortunately. If you’re already in separate rooms waiting until September might be doable.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. I hope better things will be around the corner for you,

Thanks Hecky