I've just given Dh an ultimatum

[darksideofthemooncup]

I will try to be brief. Been together for 18 years, married for 10 one Dd who is nearly 11.
Throughout our relationship he has been self employed, he has always worked in the same industry and is very knowledgeable about the product he sells. However, he is a fucking terrible business man, every single incarnation of his business has fucked up and lost people money, including my family.
We rent and have absolutely no savings, I had to take out an IVA as we lived on credit for so long. I have no idea how he isn't bankrupt,
Over the years I have taken second jobs to keep our heads above water and after our dd was born he was insistent that I worked with him which I hated.
2 years ago our business was forced into administration owing hundreds of thousands of pounds, I immediately got a job in a supermarket but my Dh somehow convinced my father to invest 40k in him to help him start again. (I really didn't want my DF to do this but my Dh can be very convincing)
The inevitable happened and the money is gone, my Df is furious (rightly so) and I am stuck in the middle of all of it.
My Dh also has a very expensive hobby that he refuses to give up.
We live within catchment of an excellent secondary school, I'm no longer at the supermarket but have a part time job that has prospects so tonight I told him if our dd gets into the school and I go full time in my job in September and things haven't changed for him (ie he gets a job) I'm off.
His response? He doesn't want to work for some massive company and make them money and it would be really hard for him to have to answer to a boss.
I think I have my answer don't I?

The worst part about him being a con artist and probably what makes him so believable, is that he's almost certainly even conning himself. He'll never stop as long as he believes somehow he can make it, despite being able to make money reliably elsewhere.

This is more than bad business... did you tell your dad not to invest?

If you did and explained why... then he (your dad) has to take responsibility ... but I know you must be in a very difficult position.

Losing £40k... he's not bad at business ... he's less than useless and he's coming across as a swindler tbh.

Then the expensive hobby!

He's the definition of a con artist. I imagine he pitches himself as some kind of successful investment broker to swindle money out of people, family included. The fact he can't see a problem and refuses to address his spending is very strange. What does he say about the financial situation? What's his solution? Remind him of Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You are right to give him an ultimatum, but bring your deadline forward by about 8 months!

He's definitely a con artist. He bilked out of paying hundreds of thousands of pounds. Those businesses have suffered because of him and he still think he's too good to work for a boss and continues in the expensive hobby because in his mind he's better than all those wage slaves. He will never, ever change.

Why on earth did your dad invest when he knew his history?

You allowed your father to invest knowing he might well lose it all?!?! I can’t believe anyone would let that happen, not in the least his own daughter. I’m truly shocked.

And you should be going now. Not waiting. Your husband sounds useless and a con artist.

Ok thanks for your replies. Firstly, yes I did voice my concerns to my DF, at the time the business was going well and there was a return on his investment however I felt that this wouldn't necessarily always be the case and it sadly turned out to be true. I'm not defending my Dh but he doesn't and hasn't gone out to swindle anyone but he is just monumentally shit at running a business, never thinks about tomorrow and just assumes that 'something will come up' and sometimes it has but I feel that we are at the end of that road now.

We have lived in our property for 9 years, we are paying below market rent and if I move now I would have to move outside of a very small catchment area and will put my DD's place at the school in jeopardy.
I did love him and really wanted to keep out family together but he won't change and I think I know that

Can you ask him to leave so that you can stay in the house?

Although on reflection he has ultimately been swindling me.

I wouldn't be able to afford the rent on my own and he wouldn't leave

Where did the invested money actually go though? Did he use it as his own salary (and yours)? If so, that's really bad.

It's unfathomable how he loses so much money. What do you live on? Are you basically living off the investments other people make in the business?

Anyway, yes, deal with it now, don't wait until next year.

Could you get house benefit to stay there on your own?

I can't go full time until my add is at secondary school as we live a drive away from her current school and there is no public transport to it

Well, you don't need to pay the rent on your own he can pay maintenance and you can claim benefits.

You're going to need to find a way to make him leave.

But if you go full time you will be able to afford the rent on your own?

Go full time immediately.

Sorry, you reap what you sow - your business was not 'forced into administration' - it was obviously in serious trouble for that to happen. What about the companies and people who were owed all that money - how many of them subsequently suffered and maybe lost their own businesses because of this? I think the law is so lax on this, where failed company directors are able to set up again, ready for the next mugs to be scammed. As to the issue with your father, how terrible - what are your joint plans to repay him? It sounds to be as though you have colluded with your husband for a long time - why have you now decided to finally get a conscience about it? I guess you have finally decided to leave the sinking ship.

He can take the DD to school while you work, he's doing feck all else!

The invested money went into stock but bad buying decisions meant that it didn't make the money it was meant to and eventually got chipped away. To be honest I'm just absolutely tired of it all, tired of being skint, tired of worrying about how we are going to pay the rent and tired of living with a lazy dreamer

OK sorry so essentially you may be able to pay the rent on your own in September?

September is a hell of a long way away. He will have lost more money by then of course.

Can you increase your hours at all? Even by a couple a day? You could talk to your boss and explain you can't go full time till September but are very committed and would like to increase your hours a bit before then anyway.

He bailed out on huge debts. That's effectively taking money from others. He feels ultimately entitled to live a certain way - expensive hobby, self-employed - no matter what the cost to others.

If you get your child into the school and then have to move won't you still have to change her school anyway, since you no longer have an address in the catchment area (no idea, we've owned our house for 19 years so never had this issue).

@LegoAdventCalendar once you've got a place at a school you can move anywhere and keep that place, (providing you can get there) otherwise huge numbers of children would be having their education disrupted

So, the stock can still be sold, just not at the expected return?

I've a couple of friends whose husbands run a 'business', neither of them make any money, neither can bring anything into the family finance pot. It's the ultimate vanity - being a 'director'. I don't know any who have actually lost other people's investments though.

Can you move DD to a different lower school until Sept? One that is nearer?

Actually daphne You can be forced into administration, his business partner pulled his investment which was in a form of a debenture from the business and called in the administrators with no notice yes because he was tired of how my husband was running the business so I accept that my Dh was to blame for being shit but he didn't know it was happening until he couldn't get into his unit because the locks were changed.
Thanks for the kicking though

I don't know, you seem to still be making excuses here, and I expect this has become a habit or pattern you've adopted having lived so long with this total loser.

If you have an IVA, you may also find it hard to access a rental property and need a guarantor. Can your parents stand as guarantor?

Why can't he drive her to school, he's not doing anything else?

If you wait you may find yourself in a worse financial position.

He won't change.

He clearly doesn't know as much as he thinks he does.

Stocks and shares will take a battering coming up to Brexit and markets will become even more unpredictable.

He's a selfish cunt who thinks only of himself and his image.