Dating Thread 143 Can Anybody Find Meeeee Somebody to Love!

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@WaitingforMrHardy did he have an explanation for why?...

@shitwithsugaron I’d say it depends on what is bad about the teeth. I think squinty teeth (within reason) can be quite endearing. But rotten ones would be quite different.

Hey all, first time back on here in a while. Things have been going relatively steady with the girl I've been seeing and truth be told despite how excited I was when I first met her I just don't feel a massive spark which is something I never thought I'd say. I'm just not sure I fancy her enough if that makes sense. I know these things can sometimes be a slow burn but I honestly don't want to lead her on or hurt her by getting attached to me either so am not sure what to do. I know we are only dating (7 dates and 2 sleepovers so far) but I am very much a people pleaser, think about other peoples feelings and obviously having been hurt in the summer wouldn't want anyone else to be hurt either.

Also as a few of you know I have been in therapy due to that breakup in the summer and I'll be totally honest, I feel like a new person. My self esteem and confidence is doing pretty good and perhaps before I might have settled for someone (anyone!), I don't really want to do that now as I do think I deserve someone great who I feel strongly for. I'm not saying that this girl would mean settling as she is obviously great but perhaps she just isn't for me.

Another thing that happened tonight is I saw a photo on FB of my ex with someone else, it is obviously a new guy and she must have been seeing him for some time as they were in the Caribbean with her kids on holiday (I often read about kids shouldn't be introduced to a new partner for some time after a divorce so it must be quite serious). Something like that would have floored me a couple of months ago but despite a little sadness I just kind of thought to myself 'I hope she is happy'. However it did trigger memories of how strongly I did feel to her and the attraction I had towards her - I just don't feel that with the new girl I'm seeing and I know that often toxic relationships are where that spark does come from, the first 4-5 months of that relationship weren't toxic.

I don't really know if I'm asking for advice here, just getting some thoughts out.

rich our stories sound similar in that all my 'sparks' have ultimately led to crash and burns.
I know I'm attracted to 'broken' men the more damaged the better. It might have been good for them but damaging for me.

I think the slow burn depends on what you want. There's nothing wrong with intense sparks, fun and good sex - but as we both know you want to get out before that ship sinks

Stability, companionship and love can come from slow burners I think, it's building those strong roots and connections.

For me it's about that long term ( healthy!) Relationship as the end goal

Maybe consider sharing your concerns with her if the time arises? She can then decide as well if she's happy with the way things are going.

@waiting I know completely what you mean about being attracted to broken people. I am/was pretty much the same when I think about it, all my ex's and crushes in the past, even when I didn't get together with them and became friends were all women who were vulnerable, hurt, out of a divorce/relationship themselves, etc etc. I know I have far more empathy than your typical bloke I guess. I know this is why my ex who hurt me terribly essentially got together with me as she needed that and used me to rebuild herself.

I want to carry on seeing her to see if I can develop my feelings but at the same time am wondering and I'll be honest, wanting to go back on the apps to see what else is out there. We haven't had any kind of exclusivity chat or anything like that and I definitely would not sleep with anyone else whilst we are dating now but at the same time really don't want to hurt her.

I guess what it boils down to and I know this is horribly superficial of me and I feel horrible for it but I am not particularly attracted to her looks wise - not that she is unattractive by any stretch of the imagination. She just isn't my usual type I guess in that way and I worry about things sexually in the long term that way with her. I have in the past become attracted to people I wouldn't usually think of as my type due to their personalities and how much we get on but am having doubts at the moment with this girl.

Ah rich that’s a shame.I bet she will be really disappointed but I would just go for it and tell her ASAP as kindly as possible.It’s a shame but sometimes when it feels so intense initially it can quickly fizzle out.
I have to admit I’ve continued speaking to Mr Sub in message/call and actually wouldn’t mind meeting him as am intrigued.
Mr G still keeping in touch with the odd message exchanges between us -he is super busy with work atm but hoping to meet again next week.
Had some messaging with Mr Bricks who is local and possibly meeting after Christmas-if anything I have some building work he may want to take on!
Me Army I’ve had instigated a few messages yesterday but not going to chase - we shall see if he gets in touch about meeting next week.
I have hidden my profile as don’t have the time/energy for messaging anyone else - too tiring/confusing!

rich sounds like it's time for the chat then. If you haven't touched on it before it might be she's thinking the same? Or just happy with the FWB model.

Ultimately you owe her nothing; so to have a adult conversation about where things are and how your feeling is a really good thing to do.

Good karma all around

you know what amazes me rich is how far you have come on from when you started posting on here! You are so much more self aware than you were when you started and it's so lovely to see. The fact that you can pause for breath and take a look at your relationship and see what might be working for you is brilliant.

Well having said that is was over with MrD, a blast from the past Mr Music got back in touch with me last night. Now that has been a long time. It's lucky kin isn't on this thread because he'd be telling me off . And he has come back with an (apparent) reason for his uselessness which I can't share on here as it would give him away but needless to say, it does explain a lot.

He is someone who wasn't in the right place when we met even though the attraction between us was incredible. And I really liked him. He's gone away, sorted out his shit, told me what the issues were and now wants to start seeing me properly. He's arranged for us to go away next week for a few days. If he turns up (he's another one with form), then we will see!

shit urgh he sounds like a right catch!

shit what a weird thing to say!

Just wondered has anyone here tried Zoosk?

shit red flag for incel there - bin!

koko curiosity can be a wonderful thing - go for it!

rich are you sure you’re not overthinking this?

rich your not the bloke I was seeing are you?! Haha I've just been that girl!

I was that girl too a couple of months ago. He was really intense at the start - wanting weekends away, staying over, planning breaks away into next year and then he came round one evening for dinner and told me "the spark" had gone. Really pissed me off actually as it was quite a slow burner for me as I'm all about getting to know someone and took things at his pace. It was a complete shock and left me a bit bewildered as he'd seemed to keen.
If you're going to have that conversation with her, do it sooner rather than later as I feel like I wasted 2 months with him.

Yeh you really can never tell what someone is thinking deep down.
If you have sex early on you must fancy them.
And if dates are not just long drinking sessions then obv you click to a certain degree.
I always hold back to avoid getting hurt but it makes no difference in the end.
Maybe the key is not to go out as much in the beginning.
Stick to once a week dates and don't over think anything.

That's exactly how it was with the bloke I was seeing, when together it felt amazing and we got on really well. Then all of a sudden he didn't know what he wanted in life bla bla...

Just glad it didn't go far! I was disappointed though

well I have to say with both Mr Music and Mr Disappearing, the slow burn was definitely very slow

I think people multi date and then decide as time goes on which person is the best for them (while comparing to others) which isn't fair but I guess it happens. And sometimes they don't even multi date but need time to figure out what's going on. I've always TRIED to decide quickly because I think it's fairer but I have sometimes got to date 3 and even then I think that's a bit long.

I guess some people get wrapped up in the excitement. I don't know if it's an age thing. I am really really cynical so tend to not throw myself in for ages, till I'm actually sure they are someone who will meet my needs. I think at our age, we've all had long relationship experience so playing the long game is a little easier!

Well, hello again folks. I posted a couple of weeks ago about fumbling with Bumble (see what I did there?!). Well, I worked out how to use it, and am now chatting to about 3 blokes. Plus, another couple from OK Cupid.....eeek, it's suddenly become too much!

There's one I really like, over and above all the others- he's the one who lives 150 miles away, obviously . But, his profile really clicks- thing is, I'm a bit weird, a bit arty, a bit alternative, and I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing forcing myself to chat to all these blokes who seem to be fairly conventional/ boring, from their replies. Am I just stringing them along?

Maybe the whole "numbers game" doesn't work for me, and I should go for quality rather than quantity....Or maybe I should give them all a chance and at least meet up, but I don't know if I've got the time to arrange 2/3 dates at once!

What do you say to someone you're messaging who you quickly realise isn't for you? I exchanged numbers with this guy today and really am not feeling it at all.

Hello all. Would any of you consider dating someone who confessed to being incarcerated for 6 months for fraud? Haven't even met him yet but I'm surprised he told me so soon. He is in a decent job now so I respect him for that

@likeridingabike Good question. I usually just stop responding because it seems to soon to say you're not interested. Then after a month or so, with no contact, I block.
Probably not the best solution though. Maybe best to say sorry, I'm still working things out with my ex, or something.

@stubbornstains hahaha re getting a bit much! It's very easy to feel like a player isn't it?! Definitely don't give up. I have standards that may be a bit much for most guys but it hasn't stopped me dating online for almost two years!

Matched with someone on tinder and then when delved in to his profile pics closer realised my exdh works closely with his company so they must know each other - I came clean and was promptly unmatched!