Dating Thread 143 Can Anybody Find Meeeee Somebody to Love!

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Ok so date number 4 last night, went out for a meal, then bowling, back to mine and then out for breakfast this morning. Had a lovely night, he was a bit quiet to begin with but perked up after a little while.

I am so confused by him, when together he is loving and affectionate but always talking about how he loves his alone time etc. Haven't spoken since either, no txts or anything, no mention of another date.

I think I'm just going to back off now and let him come to me and ask about another date as it's just making me feel shit. I also think I'll see how it goes the next couple of weeks and if it doesn't step up a gear then I'll have to say something. Now going to have a read through everyone else's tales on the thread

@apparentlyacatch I'm in a similar situation. He wants to take things slowly and isn't ready for a relationship!! I worry it's just a fling but a long one at that!

I've backed off a bit and he seems more attentive. I just hope it continues as I like him a lot.

whoknows ahh it's awful isn't it! We haven't even had that conversation on what we are looking for etc. I msged him on pof and he's an 'upgraded user' and says on his profile he's actively seeking a relationship. He is super chilled, and is busy.

At the moment I don't know if I could see our lives fitting together (if that makes sense!)

@apparentlyacatch ha the guy I'm dating is on pof too (we met on bumble) and he's got an extended profile too which states he wants a relationship! Which confuses me!

I know he likes his own time, works hard and has his children a lot. So ideally he doesn't have much time for dating others.

I hope he's sincere and not leading me up the garden path as I've been there before and it's not fun!

whoknows were not dating the same person as we?! Haha!!

He is the same, I have no doubts he is with other women, he is very busy with work, he has his son every weekend, and sees friends in the evenings or likes his 'alone' time.

Ha I wondered that too ha ha!

They sound very similar!

But then the guy I'm seeing throws in that the reason he's looking to buy a 4 bed house next year is because he realises in the future he'll probably inherit some children!!

I mean if that's not confusing what is. I have no intention in many many years to move in with anyone, I love my little unit x

whoknows that's very forward thinking of him!! I don't really know how to do this kind of thing, my precious relationships have always been very fast and whirlwind which I like. - so this is all odd to me 😂

placemarking, loving everyone's stories!

shit I wasn't on the dating apps before, I was hidden on pof and just went on there to see about going back on when I saw him, I msged him and we went from there.

I do want to have that conversation but how he talks about his alone time and adventures he wants to do by himself it puts me off asking as I'm afraid of the answer - but then he says he wants a relationship. I'm just so confused. Think I'm going to see what this week throws up and I'm going to stop worrying about if he msgs me.

I'm at the 4th/5th date stage too and need to have that conversation soon too

Same as apparently and who knows his profile has said he wants a relationship and I think he does, but it's not clear that he means me.

I've decided unless it comes naturally I'm going to wait until after Christmas, a little selfishly in case it's not going to happen.

I honestly think men often feel worried about showing their hand. Mr E. Had 5 dates then amused they were going out, changed his Facebook status then she dumped him, it might be a similar thing.

I would like to have a relationship again, but if Mr E. Didn't I think I would still see him for a while at least and keep my options open

Can I join? Speaking to someone from Match that lives quite far away, was supposed to be meeting while he was here over Christmas but he’s asked to rearrange but hasn’t given a set date.

My initial reaction is it’s going to be that “talk but don’t meet” bollocks, though his background checks out.

Should I give a second chance and carry on taking, or bow out? I’m always a bit too black and white.

leather ask yourself what you want to happen with this man.
Even if you do meet and like each other, will it be long distance? A fling?

What are you looking for?

Sounds like you have a penpal, there's nothing wrong with that, but is likely to change if your or he meet someone else and it will sting like hell...

Also if you are not likely to be with him, talking to him might affect you having headspace to meet someone else.

My advice would be to change your distance radis on your dating sites

@Apparentlyacatch ask him how he sees things. Have a conversation. It's true that you may not like the answer but is that not better than torturing yourself and stressing over the what's ifs/ buts/ maybes that might or might not happen? At least then you can process what he says and decide where to go next with it.
On the other hand, you may be pleasantly surprised by his response
Bear in mind though that 4/5 dates in is still very early, it doesn't need to be a super serious conversation but a general chat about where you see things going/ if you're on the same page is definitely acceptable at this stage

Second date was successful!!

Arranged date 3 for weds night!

Grinning from ear to ear x

last straw congratulations

Congrats laststraw

how is everyone else getting on?

MrD is talking to me, sporadically, but still no date set to meet up. In fairness, given both our schedules over the next 2 weeks there are v few times we could meet up but I'm struck by how he's not really making a move to try and sort something out in real life and I only wanted to have this conversation with him face to face. He says he's still not feeling great after everything he's been through but the cynic in me, and yes I am a cynic, says he is messing around with someone (and tbh I was doing the same till recently and I wouldn't mind but I came off the apps...).

My problem is that I could be completely wrong. He could be just out with his mates all the time and focusing on sorting his life out, which is what he says he's doing.

One of my old FWB has contacted me and I'm going to see him on Friday and I'm really looking forward to it.

I am one of those people that needs to draw a line under things. In my mind, as I'm away over Xmas and I'm unlikely to go back to OLD till end of Dec/Jan, I was going to postpone any conversation with MrD till then if he haven't met up. But I'm now wondering if I should just bite the bullet and speak to him now which will mean it happens over messaging which I don't want.

I just think, no matter what his intentions are and no matter what he says, he is just not in the right place for this.

@DaffoDeffo I think you'd be better just getting it over with. I haven't had chance to read back through for all the details but it sounds like you're in limbo not knowing where you stand and that's the worst place to be!
If what he's saying and what he's doing are 2 different things then perhaps you do need to draw a line under it so you're not hanging around waiting for him to pull his finger out

Congrats laststraw ☺️

daffo, mmm that sounds tough. By sporadically how often is he chatting? Thats strange that your spidey senses tell you he's seeing someone....I'm like you, I can't do with blurry situations. Its on or its off, waiting to see how things pan out is not really me. And I wonder if I need to reassess how I think about it or just accept thats how I am? I'm wondering if he is out with his mates all the time, why he can't make time for you if he wants an exclusive thing?

After the dire date on Saturday with the high drama message that we are not soul mates etc, Sunday turned out better. I saw FWB on sunday and we had roast dinner which was all good. And then MrEx and I had a good chat on the phone last night, it was so lovely to chat to him again and he's said he wants to make amends between us but we just need to me mindful of the kids, work, distance etc so I get that

well it's not that I don't know where I stand, I'm quite comfortable of my ground and I'm not feeling bothered by it.

I only felt the need to be exclusive with him as he said he was being exclusive with me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. I don't think MrD is malicious or spiteful in saying what he said. I suspect there's part of him that would like to be lol but it's just that he is in no position to either give me the time I would want in a relationship or even actually pull through the actions to follow these words, whether he thinks he can or not.

I quite often attract people like this. They are life and soul of the party. The sort of men that have vast numbers of friends and very busy lives. My first dp after xh was like a carbon copy of him and they often really like me as I have a v active social life too :).

But the problem with people like this is that they are often in love with their social lives and have this terrible FOMO. So much that you end up falling down their priority list as everything else takes priority. And in a way, they have v little need of a relationship as they bond so strongly to their friends and going out.

he will be terribly shocked when I tell him - because men like him have queues of women after them - it will just pull him closer towards me because the rejection always does. They love a challenge.

So I need to be quite strong when I do it as he will come running and this time, finally, I need to resist it!

cool he chats to me every day. Not necessarily for long and some days more than others. But it's rare a day goes past without him communicating with me in some way.

cool I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking like you do. I also need to know where I stand. But what I think is key is that you always know your position on it. You can't dictate how other people behave. And the difficulty is going out with men who aren't self aware, or rephrasing it, as self aware as we might be.

So MrD may well believe he's in a relationship with me and say he wants to see me often and have both of us be exclusive. Then do nothing about it but believe by saying what he's said that's enough (for both him and me). The fact is it isn't for me but it may well be enough for him. I don't know what his past relationships have been like or what he's even looking for (he's never really defined that).

I don't think he's in the right place but it's not for me to dictate that. All I can say is sorry, this doesn't work for me in its current form.

Weirdly, I'd be delighted if he became a FWB - that's the sort of relationship we have. But he won't go for that.

daffo, I totally agree. I know exactly where I stand with FWB. I find communicating with him easy and straight forward, I'm not second guessing him and we generally see each other twice a month which works well.

MrEx, I don't really know what this is at the moment. It definitely wouldn't be FWB as we both had/have feelings. I think its a case of playing the long game a bit here.

Everything you are saying makes total sense on your situation, you sound really calm about it :-)

cool I think if I hadn't been seeing him for so long, I wouldn't be that calm . But weirdly, because it's been dragging on for ages, I've almost come to terms with it in the meantime.

In a way, I'm annoyed with myself that I went exclusive. It worked perfectly fine when I was seeing other people as then if I didn't see him for a week or so, it didn't matter. I think he got insecure because of all the shit he was going through, I responded when he asked if I would be exclusive, but that probably was the wrong thing for me to do.

the sex with him is utterly phenomenal and we get on extraordinarily well - but I don't think he is ready for any sort of commitment whatsoever and I think he's telling me he is because he thinks it's what I want to hear!