Dating Thread 143 Can Anybody Find Meeeee Somebody to Love!

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

scotgal I think what the dating coaches say is bollocks, but what you say is spot on - given your experiences, you don't want to do it quickly, so don't. He may not be on board with that idea, in which case you move on. Simple as.

@scotgal2017 oh no I don't have high value 😂
Slept with my BF on second date & still going 4 months later and while the sex is a massive part of us it doesn't feel like it's all about that. If anything I'm the sex pest in the relationship anyway 😬

I suppose it's whatever you feel comfortable with though and if you're happy to hold out for a bit longer then there's nothing wrong with that either ☺️
Out of interest, how long do these dating coaches suggest holding off sex?

MyOldBrain FWB person here. It's a minefield but brilliant on balance. I used Tinder, am off it currently as have two FWBs who are lovely and meet my needs for now. I found using the word 'fun' in my profile gave the signal I needed (didn't know that at first of course!), otherwise my profile was extremely respectable and completely authentic. Once matched the same rules apply as for meeting anyone at all on OLD.

Upsides: friends, sex, variety

Downside: occasional emotional insecurity, knowing it won't last (possibly that is an upside...)

Movember thanks that's useful.
So if I put "looking for friends and fun" that might work?
If you met first in a public place would you go to their place that night, assuming you like them? Or arrange another time?

OldBrain yes to 'friends and fun' on the profile (be prepared for some very upfront responses from men looking just for hook-ups).

No, I didn't go to theirs or mine on first meeting - a silly self-imposed rule of mine harking back to a misspent youth I guess. Got pretty steamy in semi-public on some first dates but backing off was fine and kind of left more to look forward to on the next date IYSWIM. Only tried coffee dates a couple of times, but they didn't work at all - I think alcohol helped the nerves for both parties.

Is there any known etiquette for what to do when you match with someone you know slightly IRL? like a potential toy boy from work asking for a friend

They work in different departments but 'don't shit where you eat' is probably the best policy isn't it

koko thankyou for your DM, hope you got my reply :-).

I 100% agree on momentum, and it should just flow. I find it becomes an effort quite quickly and noone has time for that!

I don't think there's a right or wrong time to have sex. For me, I tend to feel comfortable about a month in to it, I don't bother to count the dates. Sometimes guys mention date 3 like this is come kind of random rule. I need to feel a connection with someone emotionally to get anything out of sex so that's what I always look for. Having a FWB in the background definitely helps me with that.

I had fun-loving on my profile and didn't realise men would be reading that the wrong way LOL. Definitely put fun down if that's what you are looking for, it will work!

I'm officially ditching first date coffee dates, I've never fancied anyone on a coffee date! I'm also ditching midweek dates as I am too tired after work. So its weekends only for first dates!

Heyy everyone! So 4th date planned for Friday night. All went well on the sleepover had such a fab evening with him!

The only thing I'm struggling with is the contact in between the once weekly dates. You can't get a conversation going as he takes forever to reply, last night he didn't reply until 11pm and I was in bed by then so I haven't bothered replying now because it'll just be another whole day before he reply's. Don't really know what to do about this

When he does message it's lovely and loving but it's the tumble weed time in between it's just taking that spark off

That ‘high value’ nonsense Matthew hussey spouts is dangerously close to misogynistic bullshit tbh. I don’t think he intends it to be, but it so is. Especially when ‘value’ is related to not having sex. That’s just silly.

Slept with my BF on second date & still going 4 months later and while the sex is a massive part of us it doesn't feel like it's all about that. If anything I'm the sex pest in the relationship anyway 😬

I could write exactly the same thing here (other than it’s been 5 months). I don’t think he considers me a ‘sex pest’ but he does comment that I appear to have ridiculous stamina. 😆

I really don’t think there can be hard and fast rules. Even personally, although you can have some general ideas.

I slept with my horrible ex as a ONS at first and then, because we worked in the same area, somehow convinced myself that I had to recover my ‘value’ by making a relationship out of it. That was a dreadful idea. I should have just owned the ONS and reflected on the crap decision making that got me there.

So I was wary of having sex too soon. And also if the ‘high value’ bullshit. But actually it didn’t make any difference. It was the right time for this relationship. And it’s certainly not just all about sex. Although the sex is great. 😁

You're right TwiceMagic, this idea of 'high value' is misogynistic, viewing women as commodities with a market value based on some sort of phoney scarcity/rationing manipulation. Grrrrrrr

Yes, the high value thing is never referred to the other way around is it ! Don't sleep with her too quickly guys, otherwise she will think you're low value!

I'm not sure high value and sex soon after meeting are mutually exclusive? I had sex with MrAbs the day after our first message - both of us had in our profiles "not looking for hookups", we both knew it was on the cards the first time we met, but there was no pressure on either side. If anything I was the keener one .

Yes, we sleep together, but he treats me really well, we have lots of mutual interests, are on the same page regarding values on particular issues and we frequently laugh until we are helplessly crying.

I don't think he thinks any worse of me for having sex with him on the first date, but I still expect to be wooed (for want of a better word), respected and valued by him.

That’s why the whole concept of ‘high value’ is pretty stupid. It implies that there are ‘low value’ women based on their wrong behaviours and attitudes. I don’t think it’s helpful to think of anyone in that way.

I agree. There aren't many men I slept with immediately but the ones I did I definitely enjoyed low value or not

I slept with the girl I am currently dating on the second date, there was no intention from either of us of it happening but it just did and felt right.

I don't think any less of her value at all, I still really like her and hope we continue to progress. I still want to treat her with respect, woo her and make her happy regardless of it happening so soon with no expectation of it happening again anytime soon.

Some men don't even consider having sex with the girl they are dating.
It's true sex never enters their conversation for months And months.
Or are they gay or seeing other girls?

unique I don't really recognise the concept of anyone - male or female - not considering having sex with the person they are dating. It may take some time until both parties feel it's right (no time, or almost no time, at all in my case and that of many others), but surely it's always at least on the cards?

There is sometimes an option on some OLD sites to declare yourself asexual. (Somewhat uncharitably) I would wonder what the point of using OLD was if you didn't plan to every have sex with anyone. Surely you're just looking for friends rather than a relationship, since sex is the major difference between the two.

Obviously some people will want to wait longer than I managed to others. But presumably the intention is generally to get the point where you are confident you like someone, and trust someone, enough to want to exchange body fluids.

I don't think I'd keep talking to someone for months and months and months in an OLD context if there weren't regular dates. And I wouldn't want to continue to date if it wasn't going to lead to a relationship (including sex). They'd go in the timewasters pile.

I dunno I have dated some very strange guys.
Funny story few years back I date a slightly younger guy mid twenties conservative. Old child bit spoilt etc etc
We meet once a week and do the traditional dating. 4 /5 months go by and just about kiss.
Anyway he lets me down at new year saying he wants more than just a few hours a week seeing someone.
Well maybe I did too.. why didn't he mention that before.
I was converative following him.
Just under a year I spy on him on Facebook and he s holding a new born baby!
Must have got with a girl close by to him and had sex for the first time unprotected.
He laughed about his friend having a child when younger cos he didn't use protection.
Then he goes and does the same thing.
Still living with parents at the time.
His parents must have been shocked.

I don't think I'm Asexual but have wondered before.
More trust issues and perhaps not fancying previous boyfriends enough.
And the some other issues.

It was Elliott Scott an American coach who I watched recently who said if you have sex with him too soon it means he will not see you as high value for a relationship, I can't remember if he gave a specified time you should wait lol.

I think it's hard for me to call because Mr Italy has sort of given mixed messages. The first conversation we had on badoo he said he did not want sex, he wanted to find a person for a relationship/love first, which was fine by me as after Mr Cheekybanter/sex pests on OLD, NOT having to worry about sex was fine by me.

First coffee date last week was only about 25 minutes and in public and ended with an awkward kiss on the cheek/lips and a hug....he messaged later that afternoon to say I was beautiful and sweet and he wanted to see me again. We arranged sunday at his flat (making a joke about how we weren't going to jump on each other based on first conversation about sex), he cancelled and then I went there yesterday morning instead. He seemed very upfor the sex that he had said he wanted to wait for, so on that basis he must love me/want a relationship with me no? (either that or I am a raging sex kitten with fantastic magnetism that no man can resist )lol. i've told him it needs to be slow and he said yes, we need to go step by step. I'm not really used to a normal relationship after being married to an abusive twat and so my self esteem/handling of rejection takes a bit of work to shake off and get on with it. I think I'd quite happily have sex with him next time I see him but not at the expense of then just being used for sex because I've already done that and it didn;t work.....it's tricky I think!

@scotgal2017, be careful. I'm concerned that you're going round to his place this early. Where are the dates? He should be wining and dining you and impressing you. No offence, but it all sounds a bit seedy and clandestine to me. Raise your bar!

@covermelads you really have developed quite a skill at advising people!' I can tell you have a no-nonsense attitude to dating that many of us need to try and adopt. It's the way forward. I like the one week structure you use.
You're right. Not sure why I care so much about a stranger that's not making much effort. They obviously aren't thinking about me!
I've just had to cancel a date. It would've been our fourth date. He said he'd be ridiculously late (9.30 tonight) but I gotta be up at 5.30am tomorrow.
Not a big deal within itself. However, have any of you had one of those dates that seems to rush you off the phone after a 20 second chat? He's always ending the call with 'ill let you go'... Or, 'go get some rest'. If I mention the word tired, he's off! Then we can't message as he's "let me go".. I actually hate that saying! Its manipulative! Basically, 'I don't wanna talk to you but I am making you think I am ending the call out of concern!!

Howe you interested if you don't communicate with me?
Just to add more drama tonight, my ex has gone public with his new girl over social media. I'm not on much of the socials, so I got several messages from people "updating" me. I'm not bothered! I've met her and she seems nice. Good luck to em.

scotgal I think he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear, just so you'll agree to have sex with him.
As RollsEyes says you should be out having dinner, drinks, going for romantic walks. Not meeting at his house on the second date

@myold @rolleyes yes this is why i am wanting to take it slow to see if he is serious. It;s not possible to do romantic walks, dinner etc because i have the kids until Xmas Eve.....

I think I will suggest a public place for next meeting and see what he says/does