Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Keep on at your own pace OP.

He’s such a cruel prick though. Knowing you want him back. Knowing you’re heartbroken. Telling you he loves you and how amazing you are and then the drop - the kick in the face, the rejection - all over again.

He’s become a shitty person. No decent person does that.

Selfish, nasty man.

Brainache - how awful for you.
Mine did this the last time he did off and so I know how the emotions go up and down all the time. It is really not healthy.
He was making sure I was there in case things went wrong with his new woman (who wasn't really his woman, it turned out).
He would phone up one day going on about missing me and how I'm a wonderful person and could we meet up to do such and such. When we did meet he would go on about all the other women chasing him around making me feel shit about myself. He would talk about how beautiful they were and how interesting they were.
This went on and on. In the end we got back together - it didn't work out with his various beautiful, interesting women.
And here we are again, he has done the same again - done a flit, a whatsapp woman is involved and he was going to start the same carry on again until I cut off contact and blocked him.

I know you are really struggling Brainache but please do not let him do this to you. Take it from one who knows - exactly the same happened to me.
My ex was extremely cruel to me and it is only now that I can see it. As I think I have said on this thread or my own thread, I had a chance with a really great guy the last time we broke up and didn't take it further because of the way my ex was behaving and I still loved my ex.

You are a strong person even if you don't feel it at the moment.
Hugs for you.

brainache, he doesn't deserve you and I hope you cut the cruel git off when you feel strong.

Don't apologise, it's a horrible situation and it takes time to work through the emotions. No-one is judging you for not cutting him off, just trying to share what has helped, keep talking as we understand the loss and the shock.

Thank you.

I just feel so shit about myself and I know I'm not handling this how I should be and it's making me feel even worse.

It is crappy. I can't move on. Mainly because part of me doesn't want to.
I don't know what I'd do if he asked to get back together.

He had asked me to go round to his next week, but I said no to that. I don't want to see him. I know that much.

I don't like this time of year anyway - so I'm trying not to make any changes now. I want things to get back to normal after Christmas before I start my new life. Then I can phase him out. I am spending lots of time with family and friends, so I won't have to think about him.

I'm considering just ghosting him. I don't want to write him a final message or say a final goodbye. I want to just disappear. Is that childish?

Do that Brainache - just ghost him.
He chose to leave the relationship.
You don't owe him anything.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Make a calendar for your fridge with 30 days on. Do it now! 30 days from now if you haven't contacted him or responded to him contacting you, you get a treat. You choose it - it could be a special day out for you and the kids, buying an item of clothing you would really like, a meal out with friends - anything you like.

My treat is coming up on Friday (ok I did send one text about the bloody car key but I am not counting that). Going out for a spa day.
I have another treat planned for 60 days.
It has really helped - I cross off each day just before I go to bed and I feel a tiny sense of achievement every single day. I didn't contact him today. I didn't break. I am stronger than I think.

Also he knows which buttons to press to make you feel shit about yourself. That is to make sure you are available should he find the grass isn't greener.
Do not allow him to press those buttons.
Ghost him now.

I think ghosting him is the absolute best thing you can do. Be prepared for him to make a reappearance though. Sounds like he needs the attention.

I'm so sorry. I can really sense your pain.

@brainache
You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Remember you are doing the best you can each day as it comes. You can’t ask yourself for more than that. Keep posting. Doesn’t matter what you write, just keep posting.

I don't understand, why do they drop you and then want to see you? It's confusing.

Just go slowly then if that's what you need to do to get through this, this is such a bad time of year as well as everyone looks so bloody happy (probably not) I wish I had booked a holiday away now.

You said no to going round, you are stronger than you realise.

No not childish, you don't owe him a thing. He decided to leave, let him see what his decision means.

Thank you all.

I'm sitting here crying that strangers can be so kind when I think I deserve a kick up the bum.

These men do this because they are weak. Because they don't know what they want and want to keep their options open. Because it must be a massive ego trip having someone heartbroken over you - and maybe they want to see that power for themselves? In my ex's case I think it's that; while I'm still chatting to him as if he hasn't torn my world apart; he gets to keep his 'good guy' label.

After all, he is being ever so kind to me and saying the nicest things and wanting to be friends. If he was nasty he would have dropped me and disappeared. I'm pretty sure that's what he believes.

I am annoying myself.

And also. I love him.
And I miss him.
And I am way too forgiving, way too kind and way too understanding. I don't want to hurt him. As stupid as that is.

It’s not stupid it just is. It’s the way you feel and you can’t help that. So what you’re saying is that you’re kind, understanding and forgiving. Not bad things!! You are the better person and will come out of this still the better person. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some leeway. You continue to push to be strong where and when you can. Small victories each time. Celebrate them.

I feel your pain so much. It's still early days for both of us. In all honesty, even though I've deleted him and all evidence of him, I have no idea how I'd react if he suddenly popped back up. I miss hi. So much. He was my best firmed, or I thought he was. We used to tell each other everything. Now I feel like I have nobody who understands me anymore. I'm not an easy person to get to know but I let my barriers down with him. For what? To be shit on, again and again. More fool me for believing the best in him. I'm furious with myself for giving him so many chances. But I know how bad mental illness can affect your behaviour and actions. So I gave him more chances than I usually would.

I agree, they like to play the good guy, the people pleaser. They don't want anyone to see them as the pieces of shit they really are. They can't deal with the guilt and knowing people think badly of them. Deep down, the know the truth and it eats away at them.

Going from one woman to another very rarely works either. In your case, I'm pretty sure the new relationship will go tits up pretty quickly. Be prepared for him to come crawling back sooner or later.

You will get control back soon. You will start to move on and feel much stronger.

We will get there!

Brainache you sound compassionate and kind, even after it all you still care about him. These aren't faults or weakness, you can look in the mirror and know you are compassionate and loving. What do they see? And as kikidelight says they have to live with that.

Ghost him and don’t feel a moment of self-reprobation about it. Ghosting is better than he deserves - he deserves both barrels, he deserves to be told what a selfish entitled dickwad he’s being, he deserves being publically judged for his sleazy little selfish deceitful use of your broken heart - squeezing reassurances out of it for him as he revels in his freedom and his new options with other women.

Ghosting is a good idea.

I'm hurting so much today.
When will this get better?
I am boring myself, but I can't stop thinking about him - and his new fucking girlfriend.

It's just so hard having friends in common. One called yesterday, who I haven't spoken to since it all happened and the first she knew of it was when he turned up at her house with new gf in tow.

So it's obviously all going swimmingly if he is introducing her to people.

Oh the pain. I feel like such a loser. I hate being the subject of pity.

I lost, she won.

And I love him more than she ever could.

Sorry.

That was really self-centred.

How are you today sausage, Trudeau and carrot?

I feel so bad for you. What a piece of shit introducing him to your friend. Where is the respect for you? How brazen of her as well. T just shows what kind of people they are if they've done that after such a short time.

I know you miss him. You love him. Love doesn't just go away. It's because your feelings were genuine. Fuck him. I know it's easier said than done.

I deleted my exes number a week ago. Thought I'd feel better. I don't. I feel worse. Miss him so much.

And you, Kiki. Sorry!

It's just hideous, isn't it, Kiki?

Nothing helps. Blocking, not blocking...

It's just time. No way round it. Just have to battle through.

And I'd love to think he's a shit, but I don't.

Hi brainache78 Ugh that hurts when they just act so brazenly, the girl my ex cheated and went off with plastered photos of them publicly on facebook within a few days of him going, he hadn't even taken his stuff out of our home and she put 'so this has been a thing for a while' with a picture of them on the beach.

All their co-workers liking and hearting it, fucking burns when I was still sitting there looking at his stuff not even been told the truth about anything.

The only thing that helps is to try to focus on you but I know it's earlier days for you, it's really horrible. Make sure you are looking after yourself, I lost over a stone and didn't sleep well.

Fucking hell, sausage. What a horrible slap in the face. That's hideous. I'm so sorry they did that to you.

I'm dreading that happening. I'm dreading my friends meeting them and socialising with them as a couple.

I'm dreading the awkward 'we can't invite Brainache because twathead's going to be there with gf and it will be really uncomfortable'

I want to move away at the moment. Start again somewhere where I'm just me and not the jilted ex.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

It is hideous. It's actually a physical pain. My heart really does ache.

My ex is also a good man. The best I've met, which makes it harder. I want to hate him but can't. It'd be easier if he was a bastard.

My ex husband, on other hand, was a real bastard. He cheated and destroyed me. Within days of us splitting, he too had it plastered all over Facebook. No shame whatsoever. She was much younger and surprise, surprise, it didn't work out. Then he tried to worm his way back in.

It is highly unlikely his new relationship will last. Rebound relationships /affairs rarely do.

That's what's killing me too, Kiki.

He's a lovely man. He was my best friend. He was the one I used to go to with my relationship problems! He's like the agony uncle of our friendship group because he's so caring and understanding. I miss him for that - and I'm not sure I'll be able to even be his friend after this. I just hurt way too much.

I wish I could be angry or think he's a bastard, but I know him too well - and he isn't.

@brainache78 I know, then after that a few weeks later it was a big family picture (her family) and her and him with their arms round each other, she put in caps GREAT DAY. I just thought wow, no shame. After that I had to block them both to stop myself looking. She's off at uni now and I have no idea how they trust each other. Maybe they don't care.

I know how you feel, I feel like moving away. I'm a bit torn, I really like the town I live in but there are memories on every corner and sometimes I worry that it's dragging me down.

@Kikidelight Yeah my ex was a good man and I have so many amazing memories with him, that's why I was so shocked. I think it would be easier if there was some build up to it and he was an arse the whole time.

My current situation is a little different from both yours. My ex pushed me away because of his depression. This isn't the first time he's done it but I know this time it's for good. He is such a lovely man and we were getting on great. I've met some really shitty, abusive men, this time, I thought was different. I worry about him so much, he was my best friend.

I feel for you both so badly, as your situations are so similar to what happened with my ex HUSBAND. It was easier for me in the end because he showed his true colours. He was a horrible, narcissistic bastard. Once the girl he cheated with dumped him. He then went on to ruin another marriage. He had another affair! They're still together. God knows how they can trust each other.

It must be so hard for you both because they seem like decent men. Shared friends and being close to where they live must be soul destroying. It is exceptionally hard to stay friends when the love is still there. I had to decide not to be friends with my ex (depressed one). I would always want more and it would have stopped me moving on. Fucking kills me not speaking to him though.