Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Been there .
All you can do is cry the hurt and grief out because it’s like a bereavement
At least you know he’s with another woman.. mineswore blind for ten freaking months there wasn’t anyone else...no mumsnet then... this lot would’ve had me well sorted out

Cut him right out. Take charge of the situation. Don’t let him see your tears.

By the time my piece of doodoo gave me the I love you but not in love with you spiel..he had been embroiled in an affair for goodness know how long.
His emotions he’d untangled from me...and given to her...I was chucked under a bus.

He was sexually lit up like a Christmas tree. I felt like the last quality street in the tin. Yeah that one that no one wants.

It’s horrible op. There is absolutely no quick fix. You have to do the time like you’re in prison.
A month for every year they say...we were married over 30 years and it easily took that long but at least the last month wasn’t as bad as the first month.

I took myself off traveling. Cuba. Skiing in Colorado. I went sailing. I went to Spain in my own and our house in Florida with family, friends, Uncle Tom cobley and all.
I had a blast.
Even when my heart was breaking.

Eventually the husband sized hole in my life was replaced by another one that I’m far more suited too
But if he ever pulled a stunt like yours... I know I’d feel exactly the same as you do now.

10 months, that must have been horrible @Dowser

Good idea about the travelling, I'm thinking of some holidays next year.

@brainache78 would getting away help you, change of scenery helped me a bit lately. Just days out and stuff.

Hi sausage
Yes - I'm staying at my Dad's this weekend and then going away for Christmas.

Then I'll go to my Mum's after Christmas with the children for a few days.

I'm keeping busy and seeing people. It does help.

Dowser - thank you so much for sharing your story. It's so good to hear how well you have come out the other side and hearing about the things you threw yourself into in the meantime. It's brave and you must have felt so proud of yourself.

As I said - when I'm working I am just so busy I barely have time to breathe, so once I get back to work things will be easier in some ways - but also harder in others as I'm terrified I won't be able to keep my head above water and will end up sinking again. I have plans, though. I don't intend to wallow forever - I just need to get through Christmas. I wish I could skip it this year!

Thank you brainache and sausage
Yes I asked him many times about another woman and he looked me in the eye each time and I even swore on our grandsons life that there wasn’t one 😡😡😡

Mnetters would’ve made minced meat out of him

I’ve told my story many times on here...and will continue...if it helps some woman to see the signs that in my naivety I missed.

All my life I protected my children from danger, strangers, harmful influences as much as I could but I never saw the danger that was growing within their father that split our family right in two.
He caused more harm to our family than anyone could ever have done.

Karma got him in the end. Thankfully I never wished him any ill will..but because he dicked the first woman around she dumped him and married someone else 6 months later.

The second one...he didn’t make the same mistake and left me for her. Told my son he never really loved her.
Anyway he went to work in Dubai...which was great he was out of my hair...course she tagged along too...he was in it up to his neck by this time ( how I laughed)...and he had to marry her...or he could’ve been flung into jail

Then after 5 years of living it up...he got a really nasty cancer and had to come back home for chemotherapy

He passed away 4 years ago. We met at our grandsons 16th birthday party .
I said hi, was with my new husband by this point Nd even though I say it myself I was looking good...naturally....I knew my replacement was going to be there

He said hi and gave me a filthy look

I thought he would have sat in the empty chair beside me where I would have empathised about his cancer ...and had a little chat about our lovely family
I was willing to play nice and he didn’t want to give me the time of day really.

He just sidled back to the ow, who had a face like a well slapped arse.

Two days before he died , She was going to a Christmas do so I thought I might go to the hospital with my son...again to try to make our peace ...before the end came

I toyed with it all day. What to do...and at the end I decided against it.

Sad really.
Me and my new husband went to his funeral though..

Keep a journal ladies. Every night write down how you feel , notice when you’ve had a good day.

Helps you get all the feelings out.

When you look back when you’re through it...you’ll think omg...did I really feel like that .

@Dowser Thanks for sharing. It's sad even at the end he had to be like that. I'd want to make peace if I was him.

Good idea about the journal, it is a shock when you read back. I thought I'm not improving at all but when I read back I can see I am, it's just quite slow.

@dowser - I was a bit stunned by your story. What a lot to go through - and I'm so sorry it ended that way. What a lot of heartache for no benefit to anyone. I can't believe how much you have gone through.

I am, obviously, the one with depression in my ex-relationship - and I know that puts a strain on partners. I really did try not to be a drain, though. I have lots of really special, excellent friends and I shared out the misery as much as I could so no one would get fed up with me.

I'm sorry that your ex pushed you away as a result of his own mental health problems. It must really hurt.

So. Today was another day lived through. One day at a time...

Keep on keeping on, folks
X

I absolutely promise it gets easier. Reading this I remember being in utter despair, left with 2 small dcs while xh worked away and lived it up on corporate jollies.

When I eventually caught him with a colleague after months of the affair script, they went off on a trip to New York a few weeks later. The pain was like being winded.

Now she's married to him and gets left behind with their dcs while he still goes off on work trips. She can never fully trust him given how they began.

Pud karma

That's what you get when you build happiness on other's pain. I don't understand how people that get together like that trust each other at all. I would rather be alone than live like that. @yorkshirepud44

@brainache78 Yeah another day down. Hoping 2019 is better ugh it's got to better than this bloody year!

My ex loved to tell my son how you could get a prostitute in Dubai all night for ... whatever the price was.
He’d know of course as he used them throughout our marriage and why would he stop when his new wife ( who didn’t like Dubai as much as she thought ) came back home for 6 weeks at a time 😂😂😂

I thought the past was behind us at my grandsons party so I was well prepared to bury the hatchet... after all he sent us an engagement card a few years previously
So why would I think differently.

He wanted any woman as long as it wasn’t me it wasn’t me... so what was the matter with him.

Oh that’s right. I wasn’t meant to find happiness again and I certainly wasn’t meant to live longer than him.

My son said a few months ago to me... if my dad knew he was only going to live another 8 years do you think he would hAve done what he did.

I don’t know. I do know he died a very unhappy man. His daughter estranged from him and he never knew three of his 6 beautiful grandchildren and the woman he scorned dancing off into the sunset with a man who adores her .... and even worse .... moved into the house he paid for that she got to keep in the divorce....

You can almost feel sorry for him

If he hadnt caused such devastation to the family we created together

I'm also hoping 2019 will be better.

I have been round to see a friend today- She cried most of the time. She is nearly 70 and has been with her 'D'H for nearly 50 years.
He yells at her and accuses her of affairs, then refuses to speak to her.
She is absolutely at the end of her tether. She wants to leave him but is terrified to do so at her age. I have talked to her about possible solutions. She is now going into the Christmas period with him. He has been getting worse - he is verbally abusive and it has been going on for 40 of the 50 years.

I look at him and can see exactly what my ex will be like when he is the same age. My friend described what her 'D'H was like at the age my ex is now - exactly the same.

I am so glad that it is over, that I do not have to put up with 50 years of hell, getting worse all the time.

Sometimes these things are a blessing in disguise. I am missing him less every day as I see that it would not have been a happy life with him.

@brainache78. I know how hard it is. I felt exactly like you the first time he left. I wish I hadn't taken him back.
One day at a time - you will get stronger. And if your ex is the type to "replace" you when he gets bored or thinks someone else is better or can't cope as soon as you have a problem, then he could have upped and left at any point - after 10 years, or 20 years or after 3 children or whatever. Better to find out now.

Let's keep posting on here and keep each other strong.
I wish my friend could go on mumsnet but we are in another country, she doesn't speak English and there is no mumsnet in the language.
I am so glad I have the chance to post here.

@carrotflinger sorry to butt in before brainache replies but just to say that post made me feel loads better. thank you.

Glad it helped Sausage101

I'm going to take my friend out on a few day trips in January - get her away for a day here and there. That's if he allows it. We go swimming together sometimes but sometimes 'D'H comes along to as he seems to think she isn't going swimming, she's visiting her lover instead.

@Dowser Thank you for sharing your story. Glad you have a happy life now.

Gosh carrotflinger...has he always been like this....I was thinking early onset dementia
His poor wife.

He's been going on like this for nigh on 40 years. No early onset dementia.

I'm feeling wobbly today as the teenager my DP cheated and left for is back from uni yesterday. Ugh how do you handle it if you bump into them? I'm going to be out and about and are city is a very small one. (more like a small little town)

How are you all today?

• our I mean

@sausage101 - that's awful. I worry about seeing my ex too - though his whatsapp woman lives somewhere else so unlikely to come here. (Funny that, all his whatsapp women were from somewhere else or abroad).
However, I do worry that at some point he will actually have a "real" non-whatsapp woman and I might see him.
I suppose the only thing you can do is just walk on by

The teenager won't last long.... that's my prediction.

I'm good at the moment I think - I look better as well now the 80kg of excess weight (and his psychological baggage) is gone. New hairstyle, some new clothes (he used to object to me buying clothes - said it was "capitalist" and wasteful) and my skin looks great for some reason.

Keep going everyone.

Yeah my friend said that @carrotflinger, she said don't rise to anything, just nod and keep walking. I feel nervous just knowing they will be about now. I need to remember I have done nothing wrong though, they should be nervous about seeing me!

:O 80 kg. I lost a stone and now I've put it all back on! Too many rainy nights watchings films. Oh that's good, it does make you feel a bit better. I got some some nice makeup at the end of this week. Doesn't fix stuff but makes you feel a bit better.

Sausage, I think the 80kg was the weight of the entire surplus man. I'm not sure she's lost that much off her own body!

Oh yeah sorry me being slow and tired. Read it wrong.

Wishing you all going through it a happier and peaceful day today.
Do at least one nice thing for yourself today.
Treat yourself little and often. I went on a spending spree...anything I wanted I got..within reason
Nothing ridiculously expensive but I didn’t stint myself.

Sounds nice @Dowser you too. :)

I got some nice hair and face stuff for the weekend.