Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

I've had people telling me "Ah, you just need to get out among people more and you'll meet someone new" and "Keep busy" and "Get some exercise".
Fact is I don't want to meet anyone new because I wouldn't be able to trust them and I am too darn tired to "keep busy" all the time. The relationship took every last bit of strength I had and I have nothing left.

The tiny bit of strength I have I need to make sure I do not weaken and contact the fucker.

So I am pleased if I manage to get up in the morning and do my work (self-employed) and I am sitting around reading and then I go swimming a couple of times a week.

@carrotflinger and @Sausage101

I hear you both!

I think I'm only ok because I'm so heavily medicated.

People always do the whole 'keep busy, get back to work, get out there again' not really understanding that we are recovering from a life-changing event. Like the death of someone close or losing a job or something that irretrievably changes the direction your life was heading in.

That along with the feelings of rejection and pain and being replaced and it is bloody hard to get out of bed in the morning and carry on.

I've stopped talking to people now - because they don't want a real answer to 'how are you' because if I give it they go on as above and make me feel like feeling this shit is my own fault for not handling it properly and doing what I'm 'supposed' to be doing - which includes forgetting all about the man I gave a big chunk of my life to and wanted to be with forever.

I understand so much how you feel.

You are both doing so well, though. Even if you still feel low. Because we are still here, still breathing and gradually coming to terms with it all.

It's not a fast process and even when you feel you are getting somewhere it takes precious little to set you right back again. I know. I'm doing it too.

I still have days when I wake up in fits of absolute rage that this was done to me. Others I wake up feeling devastated and alone. He is still the first thought when I open my eyes and I have to consciously shut him out before I can get on with my day. It's bloody knackering.

I do wonder if I'll ever get over it. I fear I won't. I don't actually think I will. Not entirely.

Still here for you to talk to.

I'm still alive. Made it out of bed this morning. Yesterday was a good day.
I just keep plodding on.
But no one is interested any more - they think I should be over it by now. I'm not - I really loved that fuckwit. So much time and energy went into making a nice life for him. I have no energy left. I sometimes just sit at the kitchen table spaced out and look out of the window.
I am sure it will get better at some point. I'm not forcing myself to do anything - I'm just doing what my brain and body says is ok.

His payment for his half of the bills has arrived again today. I am not going to contact him about it. I am saving it into a separate account so that he can have it back if and when he asks for it.
It is deliberate so that he has a hold over me. He did this the last time he went off.

I am struggling to deal with my feelings about the way his family treated me. They spoke to me and looked at me like I was scum until I started to believe I was a horrible person. His sister wouldn't even greet me in the street - she would turn her head away and clasp her toddler closer to her in case I should infect him with something or be a bad influence.
I may end up needing counselling to deal with this but I have no idea how to access this (in a foreign country) nor what it costs which ight be prohibitive.
Of course I should have run after 6 months when his family were being so vile but I honestly thought that it would get better with time, they would come to accept me etc... but it never happened. They were abusive the whole time and spread slander around the village about me.They made it out to be all my fault because I had "kidnapped" their son and taken him away from his family - which wasn't what happened at all.
I was to blame for his sister's nervous breakdown where she ended up in hospital etcetc.
His brother spoke 3 words to me in the entire 5 years.

What a living nightmare - I don't know how I put up with it so long - but it is all coming out now and traumatizing me.

The piece of shite emailed me today... I’ll bore / entertain you all with the messages below.. (copied and pasted but deleted names)

HIM - Hi hope you doing better be nice to know you are ok. Sorry to bother you but any timescale on this money because it is dragging out now. If you could find out or give me a number to ring thank you.

ME - Hi, the decree nisi must be in place to empower the court to make a financial order so the money can’t be released until that’s in place. They have delays at the court which I mentioned previously so there’s nothing I can do apart from wait.

HIM - Ok but i don't understand why this has to go to court when you are just buying me out and remortgaging. This is going on to long now i don't want to come across horrible or selfish but i don't see how it takes this long. Im sorry but i need to know

ME - We are legally married and are getting divorced so it’s not as simple as “just buying you out”. The mortgage company and solicitors won’t release the money until the financial consent order has been sealed and that isn’t sealed until the decree nisi is in place. I have told you before that the house and divorce go alongside each other. I’ve chased regularly but I can’t speed up a court with a backlog, it’s out of my control.

Contact the court yourself and ask them timelines if you don’t believe me. Here’s the number - 03003030642. I am not holding this up, I want nothing more than this to be finalised.

HIM - Ok I do believe you im not questioning that just need to know. As it was suppose to be the end of this month. How are you hope your feeling better i still wana make sure you are ok. Just let me know how you are please and if you hear anything then let me know thank you

ERM NO. NO I won’t let you know how I am, you lost that right the day you walked out on me a year after marrying me you piece of crap. No way he deserves whatever reassurance it is that he so desperately craves. Makes me laugh that he says it’s being dragged out .. You said you fell out of love with me in January but didn’t tell me until July .. so shall we talk about dragging it out !?!?

Had no contact for about a month before this and been in such a good place as I blocked him which is obviously why he has emailed, just F OFF & wait for your money which isn’t even YOUR money. I put the deposit in to the house but because we were married and the house made £100k equity he’s entitled to half of it!

@carrotflinger - It really does sound like you put up with so much and are now feeling it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Can you look in to finding someone for some counselling to help talk about it and ways of managing thoughts?
His family sound appalling, “kidnapped”.. I don’t think a grown man can be kidnapped!!
Really hope you’re feeling a little brighter xx

Oh God.
@carrotflinger I'm so sorry you're feeling so very low. And the way his family have treated you all along is unforgivable. I am glad for you that you'll get that horrible lot out of your life too.

It sounds as though you have a lot of squashed down feelings about everything that went on and you really do need to talk it through with someone.

I'm more than happy to chat in more detail if you want to PM me - I can be a stop-gap for you until you can find a professional to talk to.

Any time at all x

@missbee90 where do you go with that little shit sandwich?

I want my money! I want my money!

The fucking bare-faces cheek of it. You did very well to keep calmly stating the facts. You may well have been emotional when you responded, but it doesn't read that way. You kept to exactly the right tone.

And no - has has no right to ask how you are. What does he want you to say?! 'Yeah. I'm still traumatised and heartbroken, thanks very much.'

No way. He doesn't get to know your emotions or anything about you personally from here on in.

And I think that he's only asking that so it looks as though he hasn't just emailed coldly to ask for 'his' money. I'm not sure he really wants to know. He's just trying to make himself look like less of a skid mark on humanity. He has failed.

Well done, you. Don't respond any more. You have nothing to tell him that you haven't already said.

Oh - @carrotflinger
I meant to say. I am very happy that you are still alive. Keep it that way. This too shall pass and all that.

You are doing so well.

So angry, he called me off an unknown number and I answered and hearing his voice has made me feel utter shite.
You left me 7 months ago and had a new girlfriend within 6-8 weeks of leaving me (despite the bullshit you fed me about wanting to be single) and you think you can just call me up and say “sorry if I sounded like a dick in those emails, I just can’t move on with my life until I have that money and can buy a place”

I didn’t loose my shit, didn’t say any of the above to him, he tried to ask after my family and I just said they’re fine and didn’t make any conversation and said bye.

Hate that he can make me feel so shit

postmalesyndrome.com/emotionally-unavailable-men-breakup/

Loved this so thought I’d share x

Oh No! @missbee90
He's such a toad. He's still only after his money. He's being an absolute dickhead.

I want to tell you not to let it get to you, but you don't have a lot of control over that. You feel how you feel - and having that after being so amazing about no contact is bound to set you back.

You did right to engage as little as possible, though. You handled it brilliantly.

Sending hugs. I know how you must be feeling.

I'm raging for you.

@missbee90
What a dick.
Does he think he can waltz off out of his marriage and 5 minutes later he has a new girlfriend and a whole pile of money to "move on with his life". What a fuckwit.

All further contact through solicitors. He can fuck off with his text messages and phonecalls.

@Brainache78
Feeling a bit better this morning after a good night out last night.
My ex is totally not worth it. What a dick.
The problem is processing the fact that he is not the person I thought he was - he is not the loving, fun, sweet person I thought he was.
I also doubt the whole relationship - maybe he was just using me to have a good time and exciting adventure holidays etc.
Also, I have loads of contacts and friends in music and he used me a to get himself into various groups (and then he was unreliable because he was doing too much and went off it at me when I said he should consider dropping some things so that he could do other things "properly" - ie. not randomly failing to turn up at rehearsals etc).

I feel angry that he has chosen a life of drinking and presumably lots of sex with random women/prostitutes and living in his parents' house (even though he can't stand them) and have his mother do everything for him.
He could have chosen a lovely life with me - he was always professing how much he loved our life and our flat an the cats and everything else.
But no... off he toddles after yet another whatsapp flirtation with some woman who then didn't want him anyway.

I suppose, he has made his choice and all I can do is say fine - if he'd rather have a relationship with alcohol then I can't do anything about it. He's an idiot but there you go!

How is everyone today?

I'm just so bloody tired! I am feeling really sad and missing the company of someone I thought loved me.

Early night for me

I hope you're all ok

Oh bless you OP for even thinking about us when you're in the mill yourself.

Just catching up and this phrase stood out;

I want what I can't have! They don't like thinking we're not sitting around pining

Agreed. No, they do not. They fucking HATE it. That we are living well, despite it all. Despite EVERYTHING they have inflicted on us.

This is a VERY powerful weapon indeed.

Keep on with it OP but please, if you can, recognise that there are so many people wandering around with NPD. The numbers are far higher than the silly NPI study suggesting its a mere 4%. Its not...it's more likely 1:6 or about 17% of the population.

OP. I percieve you fall into the category of people who are of 'special intrest'. Please be careful. .

Im here. As are others.

Interesting about the NPD figures. I always thought the 4% was far too low.
I am fairly convinced my ex was a closet narcissist.

Thank you @Renarde1975
Really interesting statistic!

I don't think I attract narcissists more than anyone else particularly. But I am very trusting and see the good in people, so I guess I could be perceived as an easy target.

I'm not going to change that, though, even if I could. I don't want to become suspicious and less forgiving.

I will be mindful and careful, though.

Thats really good @OP! And I utterly acknowledge that the descion to trust someone, anyone, must be based on our own intuition/gut/perception and intellect. All of the above are such a hard selection of concepts to juggle at any one time.

To @OP and @Carrot. The 1:6 figure comes for the author H G Tudor. This is his 'Dinner Party' figure.

I broadly agree with it.

Hi all,
Hope you’re ok all ok, he messaged me off another number yesterday.. I blocked it.. below is the message, just have no idea what he thinks telling me this will achieve!?

I didnt mean what i said yesterday on the phone about you making me feel worthless during the relationship i was being an arsehole and being defensive because you didn’t want to talk. Im hurting I hate how much i have let you down! And how i have behaved just a twat and selfish . I still have my picture of you in my wallet and it will remain there i appreciate everything you have done for me and all the happy memories. It just kills me i have let go of my wife , my house , my dog and a second family we have been through so much together and believe me when i say this i did fight this myself and i wanted nothing more than have that fire in my belly and make you happy like you deserve but it disappeared. I believe I made the right decision but who knows. I still cry everyday thinking about what I’ve done to you, you didn’t deserve any of this. Truly am sorry and wish you all the happiness

WHY IS HE DOING THIS?? WHAT DOES HE WANT?

@Missbee90 He's doing the Poor Me Act. He is trying to justify his despicable actions.

Totally ignore the whiny little shit. You are 100% worth more than he is! x

I’ve blocked this number too now, it’s not fair, he left me, he never told me he was unhappy, he had a new girlfriend within months of leaving and I’ve spent the last few months healing and getting myself in a good head space, I won’t let him get in my head.. so hard and I can’t help but worry about him.. clearly needs to go and see and speak to someone but won’t.. his new relationship must be making him really happy!

Urrgggh... exactly like my ex the last time. Why do they do this??
Is it because deep down they know they have been complete twats and thrown something great away because of their "penis picker"? Then it's too late but they are torn between new shiny person (or the possibility of several new shiny people on whatsapp in the case of my ex) and a stable relationship which does need work and care to maintain.
I also think that my ex found his new (imaginary) girlfriends to be a bit vacuous after a couple of weeks or months of whatsapp flirting and then started missing the deeper things we had.

Pissing about with new phone numbers is ridiculous as well. I want to know how they do this - do they buy cheap throw away sims or borrow someone's phone or what?? Mine has thankfully not contact me since Christmas Eve but he used at least 4 different numbers after the break up when he realized I had blocked him.

Keep blocking and ignore.
What a dick.
I think they also get off on the idea of us maybe sitting around at home pining so they have to keep writing a load of shit to make sure we haven't forgotten them and can't heal properly.

Send him a message back saying you are not interested in any contact with him and that legal things can be sorted out by the solicitors.
He made his decision. He chose to leave. He went freely of his own accord. Anything else is completely irrelevant.
If he now regrets it that is his problem because you are moving on with your own life.

I don't think I attract narcissists more than anyone else particularly. But I am very trusting and see the good in people, so I guess I could be perceived as an easy target.

Unfortunately I do think that I attract narcissists. Narcissist magnet. I am also very trusting and like you, see the good in people - even if that is only a quarter of the person and the rest is er... not so great.

I'm not going to change that, though, even if I could. I don't want to become suspicious and less forgiving

Yes, I was thinking about this. I wondered if I should harden myself up and get tougher. But then again, that is not the sort of person I am and I have already lost a lot of my personality in the 5 years with ex - though it is starting to come back now - the humour and laughing for example. I was laughing my head off this week with some friends and realized I haven't properly laughed since I don't know when. Ex just wasn't funny and couldn't make me laugh and didn't really respond to my humour. Think he might be depressed - I certainly think he has some mental health issues.

So, no, I am not going to change the way I am - but I will hopefully be able to identify red flags earlier/easier and I really will chuck someone at the first sign of anything like that.

Hi, how is everyone doing? I started counselling last week and it's really helping me so far. I'm even looking at doing a psychology degree now! Planned a holiday with friend, planned a random shooting class (shooting at targets) and some other bits. All still hurts but getting there.

Heard nothing from ex, still getting post for him but give up on ever hearing from him to collect it.

Hope you are all okay in this weather. Just going to catch up on the last few pages x

@carrotflinger It’s bizarre isn’t it, he wouldn’t even know how to buy a pay as you go phone so I imagine it’s work numbers.. I replied once and basically said I’m not interested in what you’re saying, you left me and you made your bed so lay in it, if you’re as sad as you say you are then I suggest go and see someone.

Honestly, it’s infuriating .. 7 months down the line and are you slowly realising grass isn’t greener twat!

@sausage101 - That’s great, well done you! Sounds like you’re making loads of positive progress xx