Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Thank you so much @carrotflinger
It really helps to know I'm not going through this alone. I appreciate your help so, so much. You guys have kept me something approaching sane and I am so grateful.

Feeling better now.

Snogged new bloke's face off and it was amazing!

Fuck my ex. He doesn't deserve my tears anymore.

And I feel that rant was actually quite cathartic in the end. I needed him to hear it. I hate that I've let him know how hurt I still am, though. His ego is probably getting off on it. And I don't want to be feeding that.

In other news (and brace yourself, because this is seriously weird) I had a message from a friend of his. She was one of the women he spent all of his time counselling. I never actually met her or spoke to her or had anything whatsoever to do with her, so this was a surprise!

She sent me a message on Facebook saying she's done with him. That he's changed and she wanted to share the message she just sent him...

This was it (heavily edited to protect the innocent...)

You have changed a lot over the last few months, and I’ve watched your choices and decisions at times with utter bewilderment. I now question how well I knew you in the first place!

I’m not sure I really like what I see anymore. I do not have to agree with how you wish to live your life or who you wish to include in it, but I have to respect you as a person and I'm not sure I do anymore.

I still don’t understand what you are doing with someone like Xxxx(new woman). She is miles apart from brainache

You will continue to do what you want and what feels right to you.

I’ve come to realise that I can’t be bothered with it all anymore.

!!!

What do I do with that?!

I feel rather childishly happy that people are giving him both barrels.

I'm hugely confused that someone I've never met has reacted like that.

I feel a bit smug that I know he's had to read that. I know he won't pay it any attention, but people are amazing, aren't they?

It vindicates my feeling that he's been a complete shit. If someone with absolutely no loyalty to me is willing to call him out on it. I don't really understand what her motivation is - either for sending it to him or (more baffling perhaps) for sending it to me.

Maybe it was some sort of declaration of sisterhood?

Either way. It was interesting!

And you too, @missbee90. You have been amazing too xx

Hope you're feeling strong today

Wow @brainache78 what a message and like you said that’s someone who doesn’t know you and even they know what a total fuck up he has made. Take that and read it every time you doubt yourself. He changed, this was never about you, it’s all him.

YAY to snogging hot guys face off... good for you, I hope he tasted delicious

I just got a message saying he thinks I'm very, very lovely and extremely kissable and he wants to do it lots more

Love that! Not sure if any of you are on Facebook but I joined the runaway husbands community and found it pretty helpful xx

www.bolde.com/hes-dumb-enough-walk-away-smart-enough-let-go/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Partner&utm_campaign=Bella44

Not sure if this will work but worth a read! X

Brainache78 - That's great!!

@missbee90 - the article was interesting and helpful.
It#s so true. My ex was dumb enough to walk away TWICE so I am being smart enough this time not to have any contact with him so he has absolutely no chance to worm his way back in.

Good link, @missbee90!

Thanks for sending it

You’re welcome ladies, hope you’ve had a good Tuesday xx

Hi!
It has been a few days.

How is everyone?

I've had a mad week. I'm half expecting a visit tomorrow, because I know ex is helping out a friend round the corner with some tiling this weekend. I'm not sure he will be able to resist coming over and it's making me anxious. I may have to find a day out for me and DC so I'm not in.

He sent a card this week that was something that was an in joke for us and it just said 'I love you. I needed to tell you.'

What? Why? Why did you?

Have been talking to lovely new man a bit. It's good.

I would get over this a lot quicker if I was left alone, though!

Maybe I have to move house?!

Hey!

He sent you a card? What was the reason for the card? That baffles me completely .. he left you but sent you a card.. sorry but he left, he doesn’t get to remind you of in-jokes, he lost the right to that when he decided not to be in anymore - Twat.

If he tries to pop in and you’re home, just ignore it.

I have felt so much better the last month and there is only one reason for that .. because I’ve blocked and deleted him and not seen him.. they want to linger so they’re still in our head!

Glad you’re still talking to new man and enjoy it, you carry on!! xx

Yes @missbee90
Seriously, if he carries on even after I've blocked him and told him to leave me alone, I'll take screenshots of everything and a photo of the card and send them to his girlfriend.

It's not fair. It's not right. It's just cruel!

I'm annoyed with myself because I think sending him that vent of a message at the weekend has opened the door for him to feel like he can contact me. This is my own fault. I need to NEVER do that again.

I'm glad you're feeling ok, @missbee90. The good days are definitely increasing with time.

The card is a litle 'test' Hoover to see if you'll bite. He will be back. That was a shocking way for him to treat you. Shocking.

Glad on new bloke but hey, be careful? But have fun. Always have fun

What a knob.
This is what my ex was like the previous time he did off. He would bring round presents and shit like that and send messages saying "You're the best thing that ever happened to me" etc.
Ignore ignore ignore.
What a ridiculous thing to write to you - wonder what his new shiny gf would think about him sending a card with a message like that.
He's not a nice person at all - appalling way to behave. Hedging his bets.
DICK.

I had quite a bad week with intrusive thoughts about fuckwit but today has been much better. I just have to positively NOT allow myself to think about him.

I am trying not to think about it - because that's what he wants...

But why on Earth would be 'need to tell me' anything? Especially not things that are confusing and hurtful?

Am I supposed to feel 'aw. He still loves me. That's good'

I don't

It is nasty! Keep your damn feelings to yourself.

It's worse being dumped flat by someone professing to love me still. Makes it all sadder and more stupid!

Do you think he might have got wind of date guy?
This also happened with fuckwit ex the last time. He heard a rumour someone else was sniffing around and he was back at my door like a shot with a present and weepy big blue eyes.

@carrotflinger
That's fucking childish isn't it?

I want what I can't have! They don't like thinking we're not sitting around pining.

He knows about new bloke - I think I mentioned somewhere earlier. A mutual friend saw me on the first date and told her DH, who mentioned it to ex.

So I don't know. Maybe it's to do with that. Maybe he's finding his shiny new relationship less than perfect? Who knows? I certainly bloody don't.

His motivation is his own issue, though. I don't need to play a part in his midlife crisis anymore.

I'm done.

@Brainache78

He needs to make sure you are still hanging around should it go pear-shaped with new shiny person and maybe the relationship isn't all that.
This is exactly what happened with my ex the last time - thought he had pulled some gorgeous tall blonde, except it was all in his head and then he discovered she was a bit vacuous anyway and didn't have the same interests as him (which I did).

Whatever you do - do not take the fucker back. It will happen again. Look at me! I totally regret taking him back the last time only for the same thing to happen again and I feel embarrassed about my stupidity!

I'm done too... with men. All men. Completely done. Had enough!
I'm 42 and have only managed to have relationships with fuckwits. I'm clearly picking the wrong ones so I'd rather be on my own than make a mistake like that again.

@carrotflinger
My god. No! I'm never having him back. I wouldn't have been able to trust him as far as I could throw his 6'2" 15st frame even before he started this behaviour behind his girlfriend's back! I can only guess what he was up to behind my back!

He's an attention seeking arsehole and I'm seeing for what he is now. It's quite sad, really. He'll never be happy.

My ex was an attention-seeking, selfish arsehole. I don't think he will ever be happy either. Nothing was good enough for him.
Amazing that I loved him so much and did so much to try to make a lovely life for him after his bad childhood.
He often said I was the only person who had ever loved him and ever cared for him.
He ended up throwing all that back in my face.

I think that mine is probably having a good time at the moment self-medicating with alcohol and brothel visits.
I am suffering from the shock of the ending to be honest and how awful he was and the nasty things he said. But I keep getting up every day and trying to do something positive even though it is hard.

Ugghhh Sausage!
[redacted*] - She mistook him for a single, available man who was approximately the same age as her. Definitely confused.
Blurrrrrr.

I am a bit concerned I may be heading into depression. I have never had it before so I don't really know - but these feelings just seem to be dragging on so long and I can hardly get up in the morning because it's too hard to get dressed. :-(
Or it could just be exhaustion after 5 years of a roller-coaster ride and having to do almost everything for ex- manchild who was incapable of organizing himself.

• [post edited by MNHQ as it referenced a withdrawn post]

Oh carrot :( I've felt like that too, seem to keep lifting myself out of it just but it's hard and quite scary to feel like you have to drag yourself up each day. I try to just take things a day at a time when it gets like that. Hard though.

I think it's because it was all so sudden. I know he had done it before but things seemed to be going really great and then out of the blue......
It's losing the future that you had planned and suddenly not knowing what you want from life.
Also, he took up so much headspace all the time - now my brain doesn't have to deal with remembering things for him (appointments etc) or organizing things for him. So now I have so much spare brain capacity and it doesn't know what to do with itself.

Sorry I asked for my post up there to be removed as worried it was way too 'outing' although I'm pretty sure I've bloody outed myself on here anyway by now. Oh well.

@carrotlfinger Yeah the suddeness, I really think it takes a long time for the brain to understand the new reality. I felt like my brain was trying to reconcile the new reality with what I thought had been real, very strange feeling. I'm not as bad now but the first 4 or so months I was awake til 5 am my mind replaying all sorts of weird memories. I think my brain was trying to find clues or sort what had gone wrong. One of the most surreal periods of my life. Still is really.

Yeah you're on one track and without any control or say you're on a new track, I have just accepted it will take time for me to feel okay again. I feel under pressure to be dating, to volunteer, to be out every day doing this and that to fix my new track in life, and then I thought just let me catch my breath and feel normal first.