Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

@Ozziewozzie I do agree and I try and retain this view even though i'm still wounded and deep down can't imagine anything lasting. My ex was very consistent for our 3 years together and then decided he was out. Was in another relationship 8 weeks later but I know he had met this particular woman at the very end of our relationship so he just jumped ships!

It doesn't help that many of my friends have had similar experiences and those that are in relationships don't seem happy and have restrictions on their lives because of their relationships I just think oh what's the point there's no hope.

Need to stay positive though. Looks like I might be going on a date tomorrow I'm absolutely terrified 😩

@Ozziewozzie you are indeed right. There are some lovely men out there and in fact my son is one of them. He's just turned 29 years old and is a fabulous partner to his girlfriend. He's honest, kind, caring and conscientious, intelligent...the list could go on...definitely one of the good ones and I'm proud of the fact I raised him that way. When I think of my ex now, I just remember the last time I saw his parents (before Christmas) and how ashamed they are of him.

How is everyone?

I'm pissed off, I try to do the right thing and I'm still just a mug. So some late bill randomly came for my ex and part of me wanted to rip it up and put it in the bin but I thought better not, don't want him to get into trouble so I sent it to his address that same day.

A week later, no thank you nothing. Well I suppose he could be away or anything but it just amplifies this shitty feeling that I saw him at his worst and still loved him, I was always there for him except when I had my horrible injury last year. I feel like he's just cut me off, like I died or something!

I don't want any grand amazing gesture, just a thank you but no, at the end of the day I'm not worth that. I'm really put off meeting anyone now. I'm just going to run away and live on a beach. I'll be on some Louis Theroux thing, the woman on the beach that lives in a tent.

The moment I'm down and struggling he's fucking off. I'm starting to wish I'd never met him. :(

Well that was a bit garbled I'm sorry.

Having a bad few days, waiting for counselling, more about the injury than him.

My ex sent me a drunk message just before Christmas. We've been split for coming up 2 years and it's not the first message I've got. I didn't reply and the next day he messaged again all apologetic saying he was drunk and nostalgic etc. He then said he's alright but clearly not over it....what am I supposed to do with that???
I wished him a merry Christmas and that's that but ffs.

@Sausage101
I'm having a bad few days as well. Don't know what it is really.
I was so strong and doing so well but now I am really upset about the whole thing. Keep thinking about the awful things he said to me and don't understand how he could turn so fast.
I feel like I will never be able to trust anyone again and don't have the confidence to start something with a potential because my ex made me feel shit about my appearance.
I just want to scream and cry and let it out but the tears won't come.

Also he did a drive by again a couple of days ago. I turned my face away as I passed him in the car. I WILL NOT LOOK AT HIM. I will not acknowledge that he exists.

Also I am so angry about everything. I wish all kinds of bad things down on his head - can't control this emotion. It's awful. I'm not a nasty person. I loved this person with all my heart and soul and only wanted the best for him and now I hope he is never happy and he never finds anyone and he messes up his course etc.
It's awful. I feel hideous - I never thought I could be so nasty.

@carrotflinger sorry to hear, I think the anger is normal. You're not a bad person, it's just another part of the process. You're not nasty, anger is from the hurt. It hurts to put your trust in someone and to have them shit on you.

All the terrible things his family said to me over the 5 years are haunting me now. I ignored all of this and pushed it to one side and now everything is coming out.
Also incidents where ex did not treat me properly or made comments which at the time I excused but were in fact inexcusable.
Think the trauma is all just coming out now.
The last few days I have just been sitting in a daze about it all for a couple of hours at a time.
I'm going to try allocating time when I can think about and process the relationship - half an hour per day - and the rest of the time I am going to try to suppress the thoughts because they are making me ill.

@carrotflinger In a way I'm relieved you've just said that as that's really similar to what I went through, I was scared I was cracking up a bit. I think it must be part of the processing of it. I'm not glad you're going through it, it really hurts.

Yeah I hated that, I felt ill with all the memories replaying and thoughts. I think it's our brains trying to process it it to understand it, I suppose when something shocking happens your brain wants to make sure it doesn't happen again and wants to process it bit by bit. I don't know, that was my take on it.

Maybe writing the thoughts and memories might help, I did that for a bit.

I'm hoping I can get some tips I can share from the counsellor, although that's for problems I'm having dealing with this injury, there might be some overlapping stuff as the problems I've been having are replaying my injury which was terrifying when it happened.

I still dream about him every night. Either a really nice dream where we are doing something lovely together OR a dream where he starts saying horrible things to me.
I try to think about something nice before I go to sleep - I have a couple of "stories" I play through in my head - but to no avail.

I think the trauma is caused by it all being so shocking and out of the blue. If it had been a slower process whereby both of us realized we had had enough or if he had started withdrawing (and hadn't asked me to marry him in August before fucking off in November. Fuckwit:....) more slowly then it would have been different I think.

I wish he would fuck off with the drive bys as well. That really upsets me.

I have a book to write thoughts in but I haven't written anything for a couple of weeks because it was getting better but now BAM! it's all gone to shit again.

@carrotflinger

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.

The drive-bys are a real head-messer. What a total mental case he is.

I know all about the bloody dreams.

I went to bed feeling quite sad the other night, and I dreamt that he was holding me. He gave the best hugs. I used to seek him out for them when we were just friends too. He is quite big, so he just enveloped me. I always felt so safe and loved when I was in his arms.

I woke up absolutely bereft. I missed him so, so much. I would have gone to the end of the Earth to have another hug like that again.

I got through our anniversary. Just about. It was hard, though. We got together the day after my DD's birthday, so there's no chance of me forgetting. It's all tied in together.

I'm out tonight with some friends. It will be nice. One of the women's husbands has the same name as ex, though - and it's thoroughly stupid, but every time she mentions him my heart does a little jump.

It has been 4 months now and I have come such a long way. I haven't actually cried for weeks (not about him, anyway), it has gone from being so intense I could barely breathe to being like a dull ache that is always there- and is always in danger of tipping over into real pain again when it's prodded by a memory or a picture - but it's not as constant or as raw as it was.

I still struggle with Saturday nights, knowing he's on a date with new woman. That still hurts. I just wish he'd waited a bit longer. I think I could have coped with a straight break-up. It's the betrayal and the jealousy that hurts more than anything else. I miss him, but he hasn't had time to miss me - he just slotted someone else in. I still wonder at the compartmentalisation that must have taken. How could he have her in our bed the week after I was last there and not think about me at all? There are so many memories in that room!

And I know I shouldn't be giving that brain space anymore, but I do and I don't feel like apologising or trying to pretend I don't. That's what I'm doing in real life. No one wants to hear that I'm still thinking about the 'why' and the 'how'.

Work is helping, even when it's stressful. The distraction is so helpful. The hard bit is not having him to offload on when I get home - and having him tell me all about his work. It sounds weird (and it kind of is) but I know so much about his colleagues and miss hearing what they're up to. I sometimes get the urge to ask 'how is xxx getting on with her alcohol rehab?' Or 'is xxxx still being a tosser about xxxx?'

The realisation of all the things, big and small, that I have lost keeps getting deeper. I miss his family, I miss his stories, I miss his DS so much! He's an amazing young man and I loved him too. I've seen him grow from a small child into a young adult. I still send him texts about things I know he would find funny or enjoy. He still uses my Audible account and I still put on books for him. I can't seem to let go of him, even though I'm trying to leave his Dad behind.

So much lost.

But we are still here and we are all still here for each other. Keep chatting. I feel like this is the only place I can still talk about the struggle. My friends just say 'look forward. Forget about him' because they want to see me moving forwards and not dwelling, as is only right! But sometimes I need an outlet to say 'I really miss him and I feel sad' or 'I just saw this and now I'm raging!'

I hope you're all ok today.

Oh
And @carrotflinger, you are not a nasty person. Far, far from it.

Look at all the help you have given me and others here. I can tell from everything you have said that you are a very good person, through and through.

I think it's only natural to be angry and wish him bad things. I do it. I want him to get spectacularly and hurtfully dumped and find himself alone. I want him to feel some of what I've felt. I want him to realise what he has lost. It enrages me that he doesn't seem to have suffered at all - whatever he has said about missing me (which I think has been said partly out of pity and in a misguided attempt to make me feel better - I don't. Pity is not what I want from anyone and least of all him)

If it helps at all, I am enraged on your behalf - and everyone else's on here. I wish them all pubic lice and herpes. It's not grown up, but I do. They don't deserve happiness at our expense.

Every one of these men has behaved appallingly. There are ways to end a relationship. It's never pretty and it's always sad, but there are ways to do it less badly.

Blindsiding someone completely out of the blue without any sign of a problem is cruel. Jumping into bed with someone else immediately (especially a child half their age!) or completely going mute are not honourable and kind ways to do it. Not talking about anything, but rewriting history; making it out to be our fault for how we look and things we do; is not a mature way to go about things.

They are all shits and I really hope karma exists.

I think we are all traumatised to a degree. It stands to reason. We all had the lives we knew suddenly and painfully whipped out from under our noses.

The speed of it alone is enough to cause a form of trauma.

And that's without some of the crueler things we've been put through.

I'm absolutely not making light of PTSD - my best friend is a psychologist who works with ex-forces men with PTSD. I know how debilitating and serious it can be.

But some of the symptoms are the same. Intrusive thoughts and dreams and that feeling of being smacked hard in the head whenever something triggers you. It can floor you emotionally.

And the recovery process is similar. The time it takes and the feeling of being constantly on-edge. I had panic attacks for weeks. Not 'oh I feel a bit anxious' but lying on the floor not being able to catch my breath, heart racing - and feeling like I was going to die. It's because of that moment he said the words so unexpectedly. The few words that brought my life to a standstill - and again when he told me he was already seeing someone. I instantly vomited both times and it took so, so long to sink in. All of the fight or flight effects were there. Just like a full on physical attack would have caused.

It is trauma.

I just want to say how amazing you all are doing. Its one of the worse pain you will ever feel, and only a pain you can share with others that have been there. I am 14 months on, and it still hurts, not as bad thankfully, but I still think about him every day. I think for me its more because I hate that he has a great life, when we are here picking up the pieces still. For me he left for OW, that didn't last long, and six weeks after leaving me, he moved on to someone else, moved in with her and her DC more or less straight away. I have tried staying on friendly terms with him for the kids, but deep down, I just hate him. He can be very nasty, and still is, so I have decided for my own state of mind, I need to have NC unless something happens to one of my DC. Now I enjoy having my own time, and don't need a man to make me happy. Keep going the way you all are, you are a lot stronger than you think....remember a lot of the pain, is having your hopes and dreams taken away, and falling now and again is allowed x

@Brainache78
Thank you for your posts. They have really helped this evening.
@WeeWheels72
Thank you too.

I've felt so ill sometimes I thought I was having a heart attack .
I've been thinking today about all the amazing things we did together - we have had some very unique and fantastic experiences.
Then I think I don't have to miss out on any of those because it was ME who organized everything. He never did anything. He would make suggestions of things to do but I would be the one who would organize it - he attempted to book things for us a couple of times and it just went pearshaped. Completely incapable of doing anything properly.

I can have experiences like this again - it's him who will miss out (unless he gets a new gf who will do similar things - doubt it though, don't want to out myself...He claimed at the end he wanted some pretty woman and the sort of type he means definitely won't be doing the sort of things we have done together).

I am brave enough and strong enough to do these things on my own.

Also, maybe someone else will come along who would like to do similar things or maybe a new bf might have his own ideas and might actually be able to organize something himself to take some of the weight and responsibility off me.

Been out tonight to meet some people to organize some things in our village so feel a teeny bit better.

@carrotflinger

You are so, so right! You can and will carry on having wonderful experiences. None of that was due to him. It was all you. Make sure you read that again and really try to believe what you've written, because it's true.

We have so much ahead of us and it can be whatever we make of it.

You sound very capable and you will find plenty of things to enjoy by yourself - or with whoever may come along to share it with you. We don't need these men and will do just great by ourselves.

It is difficult to see the wood for the trees sometimes - and It is easy to think of a memory and put our exes central in our minds, but that's not the truth of it. They were there, but they did not entirely make the experience what it was - that was the place or the event or the time. Take them out and it would have still been worthwhile and enjoyable.

My situation is a bit different in that my ex used to plan so many things for us to do together - too many sometimes! I used to say quite often that I didn't need for us to always be 'doing' something. I was just happy to have his time and attention. He won't be making plans for us anymore, that doesn't mean I won't do things without him. I am perfectly capable of doing that myself. As I showed when I went on holiday at Christmas. I will just do things on my own terms - and not have all my spare time planned out for me months in advance.

I have missed my friends in the last few years as I hardly had time for them. My child free time was always allocated for me (I don't mean that ungratefully, it was great and we had some fantastic times) but he would do this thing where he took the year's calendar, plot out the free nights and start filling them, so I never really had the chance to make plans for myself - or for us both.

He used to occasionally gripe about 'if I didn't plan things, we'd never do anything', which made me feel shit. It absolutely wasn't that I didn't want to, or didn't have ideas, or was incapable - just that he would do it before I had the chance.

In fact, that's something he did a lot of. He used to absolutely refuse to let me cook - and then would get in little digs about how he always did the cooking. I'm not at all the type of person who expects (or wants) waiting on! I found it really uncomfortable. He made me someone I am not and I am beginning to feel the freedom of not having to take my natural instinct to be independent and squash it down.

In my previous relationships I was always the one who planned and did things. And he knows that, because he knew me then! So why he thought I'd suddenly had a personality transplant is beyond me,

I am actually quite a thoughtful person and I like giving presents, but he never let me do that either. I bought him presents for his birthday when we were first together and he accepted them, but made it very clear that he didn't want any. Ever.

I did Christmas too, that year, but then he started making me feel shit about it. The next birthday, I gave him a present and he gave it back, unopened, saying 'I said I didn't want a present and I meant it' so I was trained out of giving him things.

I hated it.

But I think it was a power thing with him. Part control and part martyrdom 'Look at me. I do everything for you and you do nothing for me.'

Weird.

Before I started posting on here about him, in the week after we split up, I was trying desperately to work out what my big crime/failing was and I started to get a bad feeling that he would smack me with that as the reason he didn't want to be with me anymore. I sent him a long email setting out my own opinions. I needed to feel a bit of control because I was totally derailed.

It really helped at the time. I felt like I had actually got to have a bit of my own say. I didn't want him spinning his own little narrative in his head about how he gave and gave and all I did was take.

And I laid it all out. The thing about the presents and the planning and the cooking and how uncomfortable it had all made me. That I let him buy me things and do things for me because that seemed to make him happy, but how I had also had to be less myself because of how he wouldn't let me reciprocate.

He replied saying he was shocked and hurt, but after giving it a lot of thought, actually didn't disagree with any of it.

Having my take on it acknowledged was really helpful.

I said in that email that he had made me someone I'm not and had turned my best qualities against me.

I need to read it again now. It was written when I was at my absolute lowest point and it was fuelled by anger and confusion, but even in the midst of it, I think every word I wrote was absolutely true - and it would help me to remember that things weren't always perfect and that he did make me unhappy sometimes.

How are you today @Brainache78
There's so much to process and work through isn't there?

I feel a bit better today - I was finally able to get to the pool for a long swim. Will go again tomorrow.

My Dad can't seem to understand why I am feeling so down at the moment. He keeps saying "But he treated you really badly, how can you miss him?"
He also keeps reminding me that ex had some issues with alcohol and he keeps saying "But you were just lurching from one alcohol incident to the next with a few nice times in between. That's no basis for a lifelong relationship!"
So true... but it doesn't make it any easier!

Drove past somewhere today where I had once picked him up after he'd been out. He was absolutely legless and some random old lady was sitting with him waiting for me to collect him because she had seen him falling all over the place and was worried.
I excused all of these incidents as a result of him having to deal with his terrible upbringing and I also excused them because when he wasn't drinking and was stable he was absolutely lovely.
BUT I should have got rid straight after the first alcohol incident and I will do so in any future relationship.

How are you all ladies?
I’m doing ok at the moment and I’m glad the 6 month mark is finally behind me, never felt like I was going to get there.

I can fully relate to the comments about people reminding you how about bad things, I’m sure we all excused things we now think we shouldn’t have but can all take it as a lesson learnt. I remembered a few days ago an incident which happened in Feb last year, he went on a stag do and I saw a video of him and everyone on a friends social media, he was jumping around with his hands infront of his face.. I noticed he was wearing his wedding ring but was wearing the stupidly expensive watch I bought him as a wedding present .. I was in bed home with the flu and hadn’t heard from him since they landed at 9am and this was about 11:30pm.. I didn’t say anything and spoke to him when he got home and he just shrugged it off and said he showered and forgot to put it back on ... now I look back and think hmmmm you forgot to put your ring back on but remembered to put your watch back on? Convenient.

Really hope you’ve all had a nice weekend xx

@missbee90
You are absolutely right, that is sketchy.

He wanted to be free lad out on the town, didn't he?

It's actually pathetic and sad.

Pity him.

@missbee90 - yeah that's bad. And of course if something like that happens once and he claims he "forgot" to put the ring back on you would be inclined to forget about it as it could have genuinely been a one off... but the benefit of hindsight indicates it being part of a pattern of behaviour.
That's like various things that happened with my ex.
I am really down about it all at the moment and do miss talking to him and being ina relationship but at the same time I am so angry at myself for putting up with so much and not giving him the heave-ho long ago - would have been much better for my self-esteem.

The battle between being sad about what is no longer and angry for allowing yourself to be treated shite for too long is infuriating. Allow yourself to be angry and allow yourself to be sad. Xx

Worst day.

I struggle with PMT. I have it really, really badly. I actually think I slightly lose my mind for a couple of days a month. I feel physically sick from it.

I have just been crying over absolutely nothing today.

And I sent ex a massive angry message (after no contact for soooo long). I was just overwhelmed with hurt and anger (all hormone fuelled) and wanted to shout at him. So I did it in text form.

I called him all sorts. Mostly despicable and untrustworthy and a liar.

I told him he has destroyed my faith in everyone. If he can hurt me like that when I would have bet my life that he never would - then what do I do with that?

And this is mainly because I have a third date tonight and have the fear. I have the fear that I really like him and I don't want to. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to trust anyone or like anyone enough to hurt me.

And that is HIS doing.

I hate him for making me want to push away someone who is really lovely and actually, potentially, a really good opportunity.

I am so, so damn angry.

He has replied asking whether I want him to explain why he ended it.

I replied with 'I don't actually need to know your reasons. All I want is an adequate explanation for you dumping me without giving me a clue there was a problem. If you can't do that, then I don't want to hear it, because the reaction will be the same; you should have fucking told me. There were two of us in that relationship and if you can fake it and lie and pretend everything is ok when you are having doubts, then you are a coward and a shit and think that your opinion is the only one that counts. Nothing else you want to blame me for will help me with knowing you lied and pretended for 'so long' as you keep saying.

And I can never forgive you for the swift replacement. That was disgusting - and there is no adequate explanation on the planet that excuses it'

And then I cried. Smacked some things and blocked him again.

So that was shit. And unnecessary and irrational and hormonal and...did I say shit? It was definitely shit.

And I still have to get dressed and go on a date without crying or being an emotional dickhead.

Well. Fucking. Done. Me.

Tit.

I should be further on than this by now.

I'm behaving like a lunatic.

No wonder he dumped me.

I don't actually need to know your reasons. All I want is an adequate explanation for you dumping me without giving me a clue there was a problem. If you can't do that, then I don't want to hear it, because the reaction will be the same; you should have fucking told me. There were two of us in that relationship and if you can fake it and lie and pretend everything is ok when you are having doubts, then you are a coward and a shit and think that your opinion is the only one that counts. Nothing else you want to blame me for will help me with knowing you lied and pretended for 'so long' as you keep saying.

Well said. This is what I would like to say to my shitbag ex.
He is also a coward and a shit and thinks his opinion is the only one that counts.

And this
I have the fear that I really like him and I don't want to. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to trust anyone or like anyone enough to hurt me. And that is HIS doing.
Feel exactly the same. I really like a guy I have mentioned on here before but I just can't allow myself to get involved because I just wouldn't be able to believe he was being sincere. My fucking ex was all lovey dovey and then BAM... bye!! I'm off!

PMT is the worse - I don't get it so bad anymore but it used to be awful - I'd cry for no reason or rant and rave.
Hopefully pouring out your heart on hear has helped. Try to enjoy your date if you can - just see it as a fun night out with a fun bloke and don't think too deep into it at the moment.

And come back on here later and tell us about it! I am going to the sofa with a book and the cats now.

@brainache78

There is no timeline on this, you have every right to feel how you feel, do not beat yourself up for this at all. You needed to vent and you vented, we’ve all done it i’m sure! I really do hope you’re feeling ok and managed to enjoy your date.

I’m feeling similar to you and @carrotflinger .. Also met someone who I know I have the potential to like a lot but I’m holding back massively ... all because of twatbrains.

Why are we letting these pathetic excuses of men make us feel like we’re incapable of meeting a nice, normal human.