Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

I wonder what my ex said, when it all came out he said in a squeaky voice 'I'm not badmouthing you' I thought oh yeah, that means you probably have.

I wondered if mine had been badmouthing me long before we split - to his friends at least. I'm not sure but I have a feeling.

I don't want him back ever but I am missing being in a relationship and I am worried that too much damage has been done and that I won't be able to trust people again. Also haunted by things that were said and done. Trying to distract myself from such thoughts but it is hard.

Yeah similar feeling here @carrotflinger

Me too

How's everyone doing today?

Hi @carrotflinger

Just been on another date with lovely man.

He is really great. Really, really great. I even kissed him. And got butterflies!

The feeling seems to be coming back.

I am still a bit of a confused mess. My emotions are all over the place. I have gone from crying over ex yesterday to excited about new man today - it's not a good place to be, really.

I've told him where I'm at. It's cool, I think. I need things to be slow and gentle and no pressure.

He's clearly keen, but we are both juggling so much that it has been 2 weeks between date 1 and date 2, so it is slow going and I need that.

So now I am ok.

Tomorrow may be another story entirely!

Glad it went well @brainache78!
How are you @carrotflinger?
I’ve had a bit of an epiphany the last few days.. it’s strange and I’ve thought about him less and less ..I’ve realised he really wasn’t very good to me, amazing with words but never really followed anything through with actions .. even watching our wedding dvd together was a chore for him...

Oh @missbee90
That is good news.

I know that everyone will be saying it and it takes time to actually believe it, but you really are better off without him. He sounds like an emotional leech.

We are all better off. Honestly. The more I read about these men the more I am happy that we are all free of them.

What a shitty bunch of humanity they are.

Exactly that! So have you got another date planned!? I went on a day date yesterday and it was fun but I’m just keeping everything very casual at the moment.. I can’t quite believe in a few days it will be 6 months since he left.. I never thought this day would come! X

Hello amazing supportive ladies. I am really struggling right now. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. My DC came home after a weekend with their dad and DS who’s 4 told me he had met daddies friend. I’m angry that Ex didn’t tell me first as we had discussed this and we both agreed we wouldn’t just intoduce new partners.

I don’t want to be with ex anymore, I’m free of the CONSTANT porn, hundreds of messages to other woman, dommes, and of course the lies and abusive behaviour. So why do I feel so awful he has moved on and is attempting happily families with my DC. I totally understand he has the right to spend his time how he chooses and essentially it has nothing to do with me. A couple of months ago ex was texting me that he missed me and loved me (which I ignored) and was here Xmas eve and morning saying he was single and lonely.

My DD is nearly 12 and will realise that this lady is infect a GF, I’m not sure how to talk to her about this as I don’t want either of DC to feel torn or like they have to take sides but she was definitely offish last night, she kept sighing I asked her how she was and made it clear she can talk to me but she said she was ok. DS asked for daddy to “be here together” before bed which is always tricky when he says stuff like that.

I just feel so sad and I don’t understand why????

@missbee90 @brainache78 - great news about your dates.
I have been thinking about him too much the last few days because I am not able to get out anywhere (all roads closed). I can't get to the swimming pool and I need a swim two or three times a week for my mental and physical health! Don't know why but a long hard swim makes everything better.

I reached the 60 day mark of not contacting him a couple of days ago! Proud of myself for that. The tick-off calendar is finished now - don't think I will extend it to 90 days - don't need it any more. The urge to message or phone him is gone.

I know he was a fuckwit and he did treat me like shit - I made excuses for him and ignored some of the worse behaviour in the hope that he would at some point improve because he professed to love me.
I will judge future partners on their actions not their words and if they are not able to show me respect - eg. by not coming in drunk all the time or by sending a simple text message if they are going to be late home - then they will be straight out the door.

@Hanbam
That sounds awful. Your ex is also a fuckwit like many on this and other threads.
You probably feel sad for the same reason I do - you built a life with him and thought it would work and that the future was mapped out and then suddenly it isn't. We all loved our exes at some point and for me it is the loss of the love I had for him that makes me sad. How could he take that love and destroy it?

As much as it hurts, rest assured he will Be spinning exactly the same lines to her. So you now know just how shallow he really is.
He will believe he’s really deep and meaningful but the truth is he’s looking for that Wham Bam moment ( although I hasten to add with his eyes closed)
Most of us feel at the start of many relationships ‘this is the one’ until we see them over time and the reality sets in.
The bloke is a twazzock as what you had sounds really balanced and genuine. He’s a spark chaser. It won’t last long and he will possibly come crawling back.
I wonder if new woman knows he’s calling you crying saying he loves you? She should be furious. He will end up with neither of you.

One very good side to this is that you are now free. You’re not in your own, you’re available for somebody far more realistic, genuine. You’ll be so glad this happened.
If he hadn’t done this now, the chances are he’d have done it further down the line, ie with kids involved.
Hold your head up high. You have every right to.

Good points @Ozziewozzie

One thing that has shocked me since I started posting about my ex dumping me in November is how often this happens out of the blue.
There's a woman posting in Relationships saying her husband left her note on Friday after 15 years together and 10 years of marriage. Just left a note and did off to his mother's.
It's absolutely appalling.

@carrotflinger I’ve been following that thread too, I just can’t believe how many of us it happens too. I’ve joined the Facebook group runaway husbands .. there’s 4300 members!!! Xx

Puts you off doesn't it. Well it's definitely put me off for a while.

OP I can totally relate. And although nearly 2 years on I am much happier I sometimes feel I can't get over it.

Everything you say about your ex is the same for me. I found it really hard that he was the one who chased me too, relentlessly then I fell in love with him and it was a bit "this is it" for us both. But clearly not.

What I can't get over is him trying to do a flit after 5 years and then saying really hurtful stuff.
I just don't know why he didn't just say "the relationship isn't working for me. Sorry but I'm going to move out on such and such a date."
Also he expressed some "doubts" two days before our holiday and then on holiday behaved and talked as if he was completely in love with me again.
So many men just seem to decide they're off and that's it. Off they trot.
I am hurting again at the moment. I am sure I will start to feel stronger soon. I was feeling really good up until last week.
As I said upthread - too much time on my hands at the moment.

Ladies responding to this post, please don’t be put off by men. Just avoid the toasted who pose as men. I have four brothers, all of whom are exceptional dads and incredibly committed husbands. They do child care, cook, clean, work really hard in their jobs and also treat their wives like they are the only female in the world. My brothers help me maintain a positive view of males. Even my sons 17, 16 show fantastic signs of becoming lovely dads (I have a 3 yr old and 10 mth old too for them to practise on) and are really respectful of women.
Trust yourselves and believe in yourselves.
There are some hideous women/mothers out there too but that doesn’t mean everyone with a vagina is that way too.
Don’t give up. Just remember how those toss pots were at the beginning and avoid them like the plague.
A lot of abusive men are characteristically very forthcoming at the beginning. They bombard you with texts, time, flowers etc. They are after perfection etc. We will always fall short of that and disappoint. Hence the issues that follow.

If I’m wrong, then we have no choice but to all become either celebate or lesbian.

My ex was how you described your brothers. I don't really trust anyone anymore.

@sausage101 I completely get why you feel that way, and I really don’t blame you at all. There are some right ** out there. I’ve dated most of them
But, reasonably, we ladies are not all the same. So men can’t be.
Years ago, I ended up in a Winans Aid Refuge. Part of the support was to help the ladies understand that they themselves attracted similar men. Not to apportion blame at all, but some of us give a certain guy a chance and often it can be the same type of guy. It’s not our fault, and we certainly don’t ask for it or deserve it. Some guys have issues that either they are aware of or unaware of. They will rarely seek help as they just go from one to the next leaving a trail of destruction behind.
Not all men have issues. Not all of we ladies have issues.
I don’t know what the answer is for everyone but what I learnt was, not to go for the gushing love at the start. Not to throw everything into the guy. To keep a sense of myself, my friends, my family and my goals. If a twat comes my way, I’m still in tact in the sense of my own life. I’m officially a twat free zone (hopefully)

How are we all getting on?

I'm up and down today.

We would have been together for 6 years today if he hadn't done what he did and I'm angry about it. And sad. Still!

Hey @brainache78 .. sadness and anger is normal, now long has it been since he left? Anniversaries are bound to trigger feelings, I hope he doesn’t have the audacity to contact you. I’ve just realised it’s 6 months tomorrow since rat dropped the bomb, I genuinely never thought I’d get to the headspace I’m in now by the 6 month mark, really goes to show that time heals everything and that I’m on the road to a new life without him.

We will all get there xx