Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Interesting quote
I didn't actually realize how unhappy I was in the relationship (because my needs were not being met) and he could be quite "sharp" sometimes.
Only now that time has gone by do I realize I was blinded by love as well as my desire to help him and make things better for him.

The "lonely nights overthinking and losing sleep over you" definitely applied to me.

@missbee90
Thank you. That's brilliant.
I have saved it in case he pops back up wanting to try again!

I am having a shit day.

I was doing so well, but this morning, the supply teacher who has been booked as my safety net for my first 2 weeks back (and who had my class for 4 weeks while I was off) totally launched herself at me.

I'm not making her feel welcome in my class, I am re-assessing the children as though I don't trust her judgement. As it happens, I don't have an opinion on her assessment either way - I just need to know for myself. My class's progress is entirely on my head, so I need to be secure in MY OWN judgement.

Plus, her assessment is that none of the children have made any progress since July and I can't believe that is the case. And it if is then I need to know what they need to get them flying again. It's a professional responsibility thing. No reflection on anyone else.

All of the promises about coming back gently and not having too much pressure have come to nothing. It's full time, in your face, nightmarish, relentless work.

And I don't have the resilience to cope with other people's feelings and the politics of the place when my own feelings are so on a knife edge.

A couple of months ago I was full on suicidal. I have been more ill mentally than I've ever been in my life (even without the dumping - that came part way through the crisis), yet I seem to be expected to go back full strength and I'm so far from there yet.

So I've come home to reset. I'm going back this afternoon to try again:.

This is what I was scared of - going back and failing. And I'm failing massively.

@brainache78
I used to be a primary school teacher. It was hell for the reasons you are describing there.
Loved the kids, loved helping them progress, loved planning and delivering exciting lessons but unfortunately other people made it hell with nasty politics and backstabbing.

Supply teacher is probably annoyed that you are back as she will have to move on to another position when the two weeks safety net are up.
Sounds like she hopes you go off sick again.
Ignore if you can and simply state that you have to reassess the children and it has nothing to do with not trusting her judgement or any implication about the quality of her teaching.
However if she's claiming the children have made no progress since July then she has to bear a large part of the responsibility for that because she had them for quite a large chunk of the time and the first 2 or 3 weeks in a new class in September, the children are "recovering" from the holidays and have forgotten lots of stuff. It's well known that their progress slips back a bit at the beginning of the new year and then takes off again.

Have you got someone mentoring your return? Go and talk to them about what happened with the supply teacher today

I left teaching by the way and am self-employed with a business relating to education.

@brainache78
So sorry to hear you’re having a shit day, sounds like you’ve done the right thing going home to reset, take some time. Could you take the rest of the week and start fresh again on Monday? You’ve come so far and I know it may feel like you’re failing, you’re not .. you’ve made leaps since starting this thread and it’s a shite day that’s making you feel like that. You’ve got this xx

Thank you @carrotflinger. It's really useful to have your advice - it's good to talk to people who understand the politics that go on in a school.

This situation is confounded by the fact that I am a Teacher of the Deaf. I have worked bloody hard to get here. I did my qualifying masters and signing lessons alongside full time teaching and placements for 2 hard years.

The supply is from mainstream. She doesn't sign. So she is basing her assessments on what she understands that the children have told her - which she has had to learn second hand from the TA who can interpret. As a result, her assessments are bound to be less secure because she can't communicate directly with some of the children (some are talkers and that makes it easier) .

Teaching deaf children is a complex process and language is always at front and centre. Our children are bi-modally bilingual.

I'm sure the supply is a brilliant mainstream teacher and I absolutely wouldn't knock her. She has held the fort while I've been off and has gone above and beyond a usual supply placement. I appreciate that.

But I need to take the class back and start taking control of their progress - and I don't need to be worrying about putting her nose out of joint.

It's interesting that you left teaching. I have considered it many times. I left mainstream and started doing this 3 years ago now and I absolutely LOVE it. My little class are everything to me. I wouldn't change it. It is different pressure from when I was in mainstream. There are fewer children, but their needs are very complex and varied. Just liaising with all of their OT's, SALTs, doctors and Physios is a full time job. I have one with a critical care nurse who shadows him everywhere he goes. It is emotionally taxing - and I say this having taught in one of the most deprived areas in the country, where the emotional burden was quite weighty.

It is hard going. Especially with my own two DC's to care for at home. My days are long and tiring.

But you know the nature of schools. It's all encompassing, so even being there and not teaching is pressured work - and I've gone straight back in full-time when I should probably have been more phased.

I'm senior management too - and responsible for a lot of extra stuff on top - and all of that has been sliding since I've been off.

So I feel guilty above all - about being responsible for the mess things have got into. My class have not been taught Science for a whole half term! I am under pressure (of my own making!) to get things all back on track. I spent my first day just ploughing though emails and all of the stuff that had landed in my pigeon hole while I was off.

That, alone, created a to-do list that would floor anyone!

So I've emailed the Head and told her I need things to be more gently handled so I don't crash and burn. Failing would be the worst thing possible for me right now.

Is it too outing to tell me a bit about what you do and how you find it?

Of course on the up-side I am hugely distracted from Dickhead.

Try to ignore the supply's comments then. You are the expert in this field and have done all the extra training. She's obviously done well to come into this unfamiliar situation.
She sounds a bit jealous to be honest or maybe she is interested in a move into this area of teaching after her experience there and would like her time to continue. Whatever - if that is the case, then she needs to do the relevant training.

Anyway, keep talking to the Head etc.

I will PM you later about what I do.

Good that it is distracting you from dickhead.
With a job like that you need someone who is really supportive at home and not a fair-weather boyfriend who ups and offs when things get tough.

I am trying hard to think about the fuckwit less - but he comes into my thoughts all the time and I dream about him nearly every night.

Well, I survived Christmas. New Year was hard; we are still 'together' in the relationship and when we are physically together (we live some distance apart) we get on reasonably well. But there was a hiccup at New Year when he got a message from her and it really did hit me hard. I'm finding it so hard to equate the guy I know (knew) and love(d) with this idiot who did what he did and did it during one of the hardest times of my life and then tried to use the hard times as an excuse ('watching you struggle is hard').

There have been a few bad days recently when the pain, tears and shock have been almost as bad as when I first found out.

Don't know how to get round/over this. I suppose I should tell him where to go but there have been so many endings and deaths around me in the past two years that he is, at the moment, the only person I have left. I have no family now and lost touch with most friends when my chronic illness took a turn for the worse and I couldn't keep up with them any more.

@Shambolical1
You poor, poor thing. It sounds so painful.

Try not to use the word 'should'. I do it too and I'm trying not to. There is no should, there is only doing what you need to do to get through.

You may fix this, you may not. Only you and your H can decide which way it goes.

It must be hard seeing him and trying not to let what he did eat you up.

You're doing amazingly well.

I'm glad Christmas is over too!

The supply teacher is feeling threatened.
She has a short term contract and your return means she will soon have to look for another job.
Her job status is non of your concern and you do not need to bow to her 'expertise' (!)
No doubt she has enjoyed her time there and wishes your job was her job.
She has no place undermining you and she is out of line confronting you re. progress.
She will move on in two weeks and you will regain your autonomy in the classroom.
Don't allow yourself to absorb her insecurities.

How are we all doing today?

Hey, I’m annoyed, had such a good week but this morning I woke up and I felt so sad and blue. I hate the lack of control on the emotions and I hate the uncertainty of having no idea what life will look like that and it can overwhelm me at times, no idea when I’ll have kids, no idea if I’ll ever love anyone again like I loved that pig, no idea if I was just a shit wife and obvious to it and no real idea of what life will look like and it’s because for the last 11 years I’ve had an idea of what life will look like! I hate that he met someone else so quickly and is probably doing everything with her that he wouldn’t do with or for me, I can’t understand how he could tell me for 11 years I was his everything and then replace me so quickly, it’s just shit isn’t it.
I hope you’re having a better day? Any further progress on the guy you went on a date with? I’ve been asked on a day date tomorrow.. he’s lovely but I’m just scared of letting anyone in xx

Bad, really bad....

Everything all at once - it's too much.

And I feel like missbee
no idea if I’ll ever love anyone again like I loved that pig, no idea if I was just a shit wife and obvious to it and no real idea of what life will look like and it’s because for the last 11 years I’ve had an idea of what life will look like!
Just replace the 11 years with 5 and those are exactly my feelings.

I'm going to curl up and have a cry now.
I've had a nice day doing a musical thing but now I'm back and everything is crashing down on my head.

Oh no!
@carrotflinger and @missbee90

I'd like to say I'm doing better, but I'm not. I find Saturday nights (traditionally date night) hard going. I know he is still doing the things he used to do with me. I know it's still his date night, he is just doing it all with someone else.

So it's my worst night of the week.

And after the week I've had, when I could really do with a listening ear and a hug and someone to make me laugh... it just hurts all the more that I don't have that anymore.

So we mostly seem to be struggling today, I guess.

I'm doing okay, after seeing those pictures I've had a kick up the arse. I've been throwing stuff out and sorting bags for the charity shop. Very cathartic.

I bought some flowers for myself x 2 bunches lol. Not gonna wait for anyone else to buy them.

Sorry to hear how you're all feeling, I still have days like that, it's like snakes and ladders, 2 foward, 1 back. It's not easy. I think it's normal to still have days feeling like that especially on the weekend and evenings.

I wish he cheated on me, I wish he treated me like shit for 11 years .. but he didn’t .. would make it so much fucking easier

It's interesting.

I don't know why, but I decided to look back at the photos she has on her Facebook profile. Just because the first time I was totally blindsided and didn't want to look because the whole thing made me feel ill. I am obviously feeling the need to torture myself today.

She is pretty, but she also wears a fuck tonne of makeup, so maybe isn't so much under it all. I hardly wear it, and even I scrub up ok when I do. So with a more dispassionate look, he hasn't gone for her solely for that reason.

She has loads of pictures with stupid snapchat filters on, which he hates. And 'meaningful' memes. I have told you he is intelligent - and he is. He looks down on shit like that as fatuous and empty-headed. She has changed her profile picture to one of just her - so maybe he hasn't suddenly changed and is happy to have his photo up after all.

Then I looked back through the messages he has sent me since Christmas.

He still tries to hook me in with fishing messages every so often. Sometimes just a 'good morning, lovely xx' or 'sending you a warm hug on a cold day xx'

He has been crossing major boundaries on a regular basis.

He found out about my date from a mutual friend and was sending messages about how I will have knocked him dead because I am 'beautiful, interesting and sexy as fuck'

Followed by a message saying he's jealous as hell, even though he knows he has no right to be.

And then, since, lots of little messages with minor things, but stuff that you wouldn't want your boyfriend saying to his ex.

I'm not responding. But he keeps doing it. He says he knows why I'm not responding, but wants to be friends when I'm ready for that.

It's not overly bothering me. I just feel sorry for him that he is this pathetic.

I am feeling like I want to send her the screen shots and let her know what he's up to. Because it's bang out of order.

I couldn't actually go through with it, though. No matter how much I think she deserves to know.

And the other part of me is also wondering why he does it. He sends me things because he knows I'll appreciate the humour, or because it's an in-joke. He obviously misses that interaction, otherwise he'd be doing it with her and not trying to hook me in.

It's a head fuck.

But it still makes me sad that he threw away something that he is clearly now missing. Why? Why do that? Idiot.

And yes - I know - ignore and block.

I know! No one needs to tell me!

It's funny that's what the photos are like when I looked up that girl he left for, but then I suppose she is young. He always acted like he hated stuff like that, to be honest when I looked at them I don't recognise him at all. It's a strange feeling, he looks sort of manic, hope it doesn't sound rude me saying that. I don't know how else to explain, something seems 'off' he looks a bit crazy in the pictures. I don't know who he is anymore.

It's a bit of a different situation for me, he was trying to keep in touch telling me about a book he found or something and was I still looking for it. I don't know if it was guilt or what. Then he suddenly seemed scared to talk to me, left stuff here and that was that. Very odd. A few friends said it might be because she doesn't want him talking to me. (Sorry I think I'm repeating myself here maybe).

I think it's more painful when they try to keep a connection like he is @brainache78 it leaves you feeling in a limbo and it's like they are leaving the guilt with you or something.

And today I met a really nice guy and was chatting to him and getting on really well. Then on the way home I just thought "I can't be bothered. I wouldn't be able to trust him. I can't go through heartbreak again".

But yeah, I did fancy him straight away - so this is progress as it is only a couple of weeks since I was convinced I'd never fancy any one ever again.

Ladies as much as we’re struggling.. I think we’ve all come on miles since we started this thread. I’ve got a day date tomorrow.. don’t know how I feel about it but I can only try and see how I feel.. I went out for a few drinks with a friend tonight and bumped in to one of his best mates and his very new girlfriend ... She knew who I was (as in pigs ex wife) and said to me he had said I’d mentally checked out the relationship before he left me ... I’m fuming, how dare and how dare she, they’ve been together a few months and she doesn’t know me at all. ARGH, why can’t I even go out on a night out without fucking seeing someone connected! Mind you his mum messaged me earlier asking how I was, I told her I was ok but was shocked that he had left me to “be single” and already had a new girlfriend .. (i’d had a few drinks so didn’t give a shit) and she replied saying “He’s a dickhead, just like his father, he will never be happy, you will blossom because you are a rare breed” .. it knocked me for six to be honest and I was like WOW, it’s not just be that thinks he’s a twat!

That's a bit bloody rude of that new girlfriend @missbee90

@sausage101 Just have to let it go over my head, if he feels the need to lie to people to justify his behaviour then so be it, he knows the truth deep down!

@missbee90 - obviously he would have to justify his behaviour to himself and to others so he comes up with that - great excuse "my wife had mentally checked out". No one can dispute that and it sounds plausible. It's like a slightly more sophisticated version of "my wife doesn't understand me".

I have no idea what excuse my ex is telling other people for him doing off like he did. I assume he will find a way of blaming me - probably I didn't look after him properly and would not be a suitable wife because I didn't keep house to his standards - or some such.

My home is a hell of a lot cleaner and more organized than his mother's and she is at home all day and has been all of her life save 6 hours a week cleaning somewhere else.

I'm not doing well at the moment. I have serious worries relating to bloody Brexit. I can't get it out of my head that his family are sitting around laughing about me possibly losing my rights here and hoping I get deported. When the referendum result was announced they cracked open the wine and phoned my ex and said "Great result. Now carrot will have to go back where she came from.

Their hideousness over the years is really starting to affect me now. Obviously it was a problem at the time but I thought he had my back and I tried to suppress my feelings about it all in order to at least keep the peace. Now one thought after the other is racing through my head about what they said about me and also things my ex said or did that hurt.