Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

When I'm alone there's noone to say things like "You can never hoover too often".... yeah? really? the hoover's in the cupboard, want me to get it out for you dickhead?

Interesting @missbee90 about yours lying about working and really playing golf. Mine lied about working and he was really helping out friends with DIY or drinking with them. I didn't have a problem with either of those things (well the drinking yes, when it became excessive) but I did have a problem with the lying and he could never understand that.

How is everyone today? I've been having some flashes of feeling acceptance today which is making me feel better. Realising this man isn't perfect (despite what gormless posts)

Still some way to go working through the feelings but I suppose you can't switch it all off just like that when you loved someone for years. Takes a bit of untangling.

Remember yesterday we were saying about people who post every bloody thing about their 'one true soulmate' lol, I found this interesting study that made me laugh:

journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167214549944

Basically people that have to constantly make their relationship visible are insecure and often have something called an 'anxious attachment' style (in a lot of cases) surprise. Just thought it was interesting after what we were posting.

Yes being able to "switch it off" is very difficult. I have had to convince myself that he really isn't worth it and block all thoughts of "but this holiday was lovely", "remember when he did this".

I feel like we are all getting stronger by the day - even if we then do have bad days in between.
I am starting to see a future without fuckwit - I don't know what that future will bring but I know that I can there is one and that it could turn out to be really exciting - who knows.

And yes, needing to post sick-making photos of the "perfect man" all over the place sounds like trying to convince herself that it is true. He will find it tiresome after a while.

Ladies! I had to share my good news with you ...

I am officially a sole home owner, his name is off EVERYTHING and the house and mortgage is all mine 😀 Just had confirmation today! The solicitors won’t release his money to him until the financial consent order is sealed by the court but that’s his problem .. not mine. Everything I needed to do is now done!

I am a bit scared.. 28 and owning a house on my lonesome .. let’s hope I don’t lose my job eeekkkk!!!

@missbee90
Congratulations!
That puts you in a strong position.

Massive whooop whoooop to you, @missbee90! Absolutely amazing!

You own your own home. At 28 that is incredible.

Go you!
So happy he is no longer attached to you in any way.

You are free!

And soon you will realise what a beautiful thing that is.

Don't ever give that up again unless you ace no doubt in your mind that it's the right thing to do.

My house is mine. Has been since I got divorced 10 years ago. I'm not giving it up for anyone. Possibly ever.

Your exciting life begins today!

Congratulations @missbee90 :) Must be a nice feeling.

@carrotflinger I was tired of it after a 2 minute skim she's in for a fall if her idea of perfection is a lying cheat.

How come they write "perfect man" shit when they know full well he was cheating and lying to his partner and his partner was recovering from an injury.
She must have very low standards if she thinks that is perfect.

Thank you all SO much ladies.
@brainache78 .. so interesting you say that.. I said to my dad today “I am never ever loosing or sharing this house”
Hope you’ve all had ok days? The last few days have been ok for me, it feels weird xx

@carrotflinger I think she's probably got quite low self esteem, who knows. She probably thinks she's so perfect that he left his fiance for her or some fairy tale rubbish. Hope she has eyes in the back of her head and he needs some too.

Yeah not bad @missbee90 after seeing those pictures I feel like my rose tinted glasses are off. Hope you are doing okay tonight. x

@Sausage101
She's a child. She doesn't know any better.

He does. He's the pathetic one here. She's probably the only one stupid enough not to see through his bullshit.

But screw him. She is welcome to him. You don't need him. He's a sad twat.

I've had a massively busy day. Tuesdays are my worst - in school for 7.45, playground duty, senior management meeting until 5.30, the run over to DD's school to pick her up, take her home and get her ready for Beavers, help out at Beavers, home for 7.30. Do bath and bedtime and then settle in to do the 2 hours of work I couldn't do after school because of the meeting.

Plus I have a UTI and feel shocking. I have antibiotics as I get them a lot. But my back aches, my head aches and I'm totally spannered.

Time for bed.

I hope you're all ok today.

Things are getting brighter at my end. Being at work is definitely a welcome distraction, even though it's absolutely exhausting me. No time at all to think.

@brainache78 Yeah I know, I need to remember that she's so young and she's been told a load of lies.

Sounds hectic, in a good way, glad distraction is helping.

Sorry to hear about the UTI they are not nice, might be all the stress the last few weeks, I got pretty run down too.

I actually feel a bit sorry and worried for her sometimes, I hope she doesn't mess up uni being worried about him all the time and what he's up to. She should be having fun up there not bothering with this man child.

UTIs are the worst, also a sufferer here (perhaps they’re linked with having SHIT ex’s) you’ve probably tried them but the only thing that’s ever helped me is chewable cranberry tablets I get from amazon. Hope you feel better soon.

@sausage101 - I get you’re concern but I’d worry more about yourself than the impressionable teen. I don’t doubt in years to come she will look back and have regrets on her uni days ... or she’ll shag a hot uni guy and he will be the one burnt...

There's a powder form of a gooseberry you can get to put in smoothies called amla powder, it has loads of vitamin c and helps uti's.

@missbee90 Yeah I know, she has her family to worry about that anyway. I

So tired. So, so tired.

Feeling fine about dickhead at the moment.

Just wiped out otherwise!

How is everyone today?

I have too much time on my hands. At the risk of outing myself I am snowed in....so too much time to reflect.
I go from raging about him to being very sad. But I think I am feeling the loss of "a relationship", someone being there, doing things together etc rather than the loss of "him" specifically because he is actually a complete fuckwit.

I am okay, I haven't run away yet.

Just read the whole thread and you are all inspirational!
I must say I felt sick reading the early posts as the shock of that happening to me still utterly haunts me years later.

I'm in a different position now and know a break-up is coming, so I'm going to lurk and keep reminding myself it will get better. X

Hi @UterusUterusGhali

Welcome!

How do you know a breakup is coming? What has been happening?

Ach just a feeling in my waters.

DP said something when drunk last weekend too.
Like you and your ex we don't live together. Get along amazingly etc.
I recently had a pregnancy scare and I think it's highlighted to him he wants children. (I have some. He doesn't. We can't afford a house big enough or we'd have had them.)

It's reassuring to read your thread and seeing you start to reflect that he wasn't perfect, although obviously I'm furious on your behalf!

I do think men can compartmentalise better than a lot of women. Wish I could learn that skill!

Hi @UterusUterusGhali welcome Sorry to hear that but we are here if you need an ear.

Hope you’re all ok this evening ladies .. the last few days I’ve thought of him less, I really hope it lasts....

Saw this today and had to share with you all... I’ve saved it and will read whenever having a “wobble” moment to remind me how he made me feel in the last few months of our marriage

Me too @missbee90 Thanks for sharing that.