Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Ah what a pain moving within walking distance.
Can you move somewhere else in the town?
But to be honest I think you need to get your own health sorted out first.
I'm not surprised your mental health is declining. You have been treated appallingly on top of the injury you had.
Go and talk to the doctor today and pour it all out if you can.

@sausage101 Good for you on going to the doctors, I went last week and she was so supportive.. she actually said she thinks I have PTSD from the break up of my marriage so it may be that the injury and break up are both contributing factors xx

@sausage101 Most importantly, remember you’re not alone, keep positing and keep letting it all out xx

Thanks for the replies, made me cry in the waiting room. @carrotflinger yeah I was thinking of moving into another bit of town and see how that goes before deciding whether to leave completely.

Yeah those comments were cringey, there was one that said 'how can one person be so perfect' god, all a bit bloody dramatic. But then she is an adolescent! I feel like he's in for a shock, I remember how I was at 19 and it's just all or nothing.

Thanks @missbee90 :) it's good to write evertything down, I'm sorry if I'm dragging anyone down on here just hard to tell people in real life as they are sick of hearing about most of it (apart from one good friend)

Well the Dr was really nice, I hadn't seen her before. She gave me some beta blockers (has anyone tried them?) to stop my physical symptoms and says I need counselling urgently and will review in a few weeks.

Sorry I missed some of your questions @carrotflinger no not too keen on the onesies, not really my thing. Maybe that was the last straw for him, not wearing bear onesies

Yeah I think I need to get away, I feel better when I'm away. I went to a garden place with a friend and felt so much better a few weeks back. I don't think I'm doing myself any favours by hiding away.

The hiding away was more to do with my injury, I should have had counselling ages ago about that but was getting a lot better until I had a period of these weird flashbacks a few weeks ago. Really bloody horrible. At least I've been to the doctors today though.

Work have been really supportive, I've had time off with this racing heart and flashback problem but need to get back and into a routine I think. Get some help and then think about moving or whether I feel okay to stay.

@brainache78 sorry for the thread hi-hjacking today, I hope your first day back went well.

Just been watching this video, she has some good tips in there and I like her positivity:

@Sausage101
Don't be bloody daft! This isn't my thread just because I started it - we are all up and down. When one is feeling particularly strong, one will be struggling (or all of us at times!) that's the whole point of this. Support for everyone in his shitty position.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I get exactly what it's like seeing pictures of them. It completely knocks the heart and soul out of you. I'm not at all surprised you're struggling. They are so pathetic. As someone said earlier, everyone will be looking at those pictures thinking what a sad idiot he is in the middle of a mid-life crisis. It honestly won't last. I would bet good money.

And were you dumped by my ex too, @missbee90? Mine hated having his picture taken. He has never used his actual face as his profile picture on any social media. I respected his wishes and we didn't do couply selfies. I think there are about 3 pictures of us together in existence.

There were at least 6 of them together right at the top of her profile page. Before I turned it off in shock and horror and refused to torture myself any more.

They just seem to have had complete personality transplants.

Today was good. I spent all morning getting mountains of paperwork out of the way and then took the class back this afternoon.

I know I've been off and can't be precious about things (and I am so grateful to the colleagues who have taken up my slack - I know I have put everyone out) but lots of things have been allowed to slide with the supply teacher and the control freaky side of me is struggling with having to pull it all back again. It's a mountain to climb back up - and I'm not a patient person sometimes.

I'm trying not to push myself too hard and end up hitting a wall, but at the same time, I want things how I want them!

I haven't thought about Dickhead all day as I've been too busy. Right until I got home and read this thread.

I am going to carry on and do a couple more hours work this evening and then got to bed early.

Knackered.

But distraction is definitely good now that I'm well enough to be my old self again (a broken, battered version - but work wise - I'm back)

How is everyone else?

Thanks @brainache78 It's been so nice to have others to talk to on here. You all get it.

Yeah I won't be looking again, I'm not sure why I did.They don't even look like normal couple photos, it's like what I said a bit further back. It's all really over the top and cringey.

It makes me think of that term 'love bombing' I don't think it's healthy, it's like two idiots clinging to each other in a storm. But then I'm sure starting your relationship with lies and deceit makes you want to prove a point to the world.

Yeah I agree on the personality transplants, I look at his eyes in those photos and the man I loved is not there at all, he looks sleazy and strange.

@Sausage101

It is exactly like that. It's love bombing and it's like the hysterical bonding people talk about when they get back together after one has cheated. They are all 'look at us and out perrrrrfect luuurve' and no one needs to see that! Who is it for?!

I have a couple of photos of me and ex that never made it onto social media - because why would I? Who wants to see us smooching? We didn't do PDA much in real life, so why all over Instagram or Facebook. I was secure enough not to need external validation. They are, clearly, not.

And it's sad and annoying.

I have unfriended a few people in the past because of their 'My gorgeous husband. I love you so, so much!'
'Thank you honey, love yooou tooo!' Things that go on. I don't need to see that. Not when they are probably sitting in the same fucking room.

People won't want to see our ex's being so pathetic either.

@WhiteDust
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for reading the thread all the way through! Thank you for your kind words and encouraging sentiments.

I do appreciate you coming along and taking the time to remind us all how far we have come. It is so kind of you to say.

I think all of the women on here are amazing - and all the more so for all being for one another on here in the midst of their own troubles.

We are strong and we're getting there.

Thank you

@carrotflinger.

That was true of my ex too.

He always hated that he thinks I'm more intelligent than him. He must have found it emasculating or something. Thing is, he was wrong - he is as intelligent - he just had a shit education and has a chip on his shoulder about it.

So he has now left me for someone with no qualifications at all - which is fine and not intellectual snobbery on my part at all - I loved him and he had only a few himself - it's just that he probably feels better being with someone who doesn't completely unwittingly make him feel inferior.

I absolutely never, ever would have even thought about that, but it was an issue for him.

My family were always too 'high-flying' and, when I was talking about a friend of mine who works at the Foreign Office, not long before we split, he almost sneered 'do none of your friends have normal jobs?'

And that only just came back to me - because it was an uncharacteristically nasty comment. Not so much in what was said, but in how it was delivered. Like it was a fault.

So I now think that was self-justification too.

Oh yeah I forgot about that hysterical bonding.

Yeah when I first looked at them, my first impression was is this all for show? She had photos of them under a blanket on the sofa and close ups of them eating each other's face, I find that a bit embarrassing really, why are they posting that for every Tom Dick and Harry to look at?

I really feel like the people that go over the top are trying to prove something.

They're not secure. But I suppose that could be her age and she must worry subconsciously, she knows that she had no problem crossing the line and he didn't either. He told a load of lies.

First day sounds good - don't go too hard. It must have been nice to be distracted? I feel better at work, gives my mind a rest and I stop overthinking things. I have some great co-workers too. Are you back in tomorrow?

@Sausage101
Why on Earth is he happy to have her take selfies of them snogging?!

That's fucking weird.

He's not 16.

Sad, sad bastard.

I had a picture of us together as my profile shot on Facebook once. Not all over each other, just next to each other and smiling at the camera.,

He asked me to take it down because he doesn't like his photo on things. I did.

It is ALL over his new girlfriend's profile including her main picture.

What had happened to him?!

Ugh I don't know. To show everyone their true love was worth it I suppose. At least it's killed any last bit of feeling I had for him.

Well I hope you mean that, @Sausage101. Because I can categorically say you can do so much better.

Here you are making supportive, thoughtful and insightful posts to help others.

You are making perfect sense.

You come across as eloquent, emotionally intelligent and willing to post your story to help others.

These are the actions of a good person.

And you don't deserve to be with a fuckwit who does shit like this.

Every time you feel low, look at that post and remind yourself that he has made himself pathetic to you now and is not that man you thought he was.

The jealous pangs and pain are nothing more than a residual habit. He is not worthy of you.

If a stranger on a keyboard can see that as clear as day I am certain you are hearing the same things in real life.

And actually, those comments are true of all of you on here.

You can do better.

Not better meaning another man. I'm getting the feeling that all men are shitbags - or at least a lot of them.

I mean being on our own is better.

Being on our own, we are in the company of someone who respects us and accepts us and who isn't going to fuck off and hurt us (although I do a pretty good job of hurting myself too sometimes)

We are better off alone.

I don't fully believe that in my heart, yet. He I'm working on it.

Thank you @brainache78 this thread has kept me going a bit, really nice to talk to others that understand how it feels.

Yeah I feel better off alone, for the time being anyway. Better alone than with an oscar worthy actor.

@sausage101 @brainache - You’re both so amazingly fabulous, your words of support tonight are so genuine. I hope you’re both feeling a little brighter going in to this evening. We’re allowed to have our bad days & there really is no time limit on it.

We didn’t lose them, they lost us

Thanks @missbee90 you too, you were really uplifting today, got some funny looks crying in the doctors (looked like I was crying over a farming magazine from the table) [grin}

True. :)

I was feeling the same today.
Better off alone.
When I'm alone I have to make more effort to socialize with other people and to nurture friendships.
When I'm alone I have more time to do the things I want to do because I am not lumbered with extra work at home because someone doesn't think it's his place to do his fair share of the housework (and traipses mud etc into the house from his dirty job and the amount of washing was unbelievable.
When I'm alone I can say what I like and do what I like in social situations without him giving me a disapproving look and criticising afterwards.
When I'm alone I can go to bed when I want without the knowledge that I'll be woken up in the middle of the night by him coming in drunk and then woken up again when he has to go out to work again just a few hours later.
When I'm alone I don't have to deal with someone else's fucking weird dysfunctional nightmare family slagging me off.
When I'm alone I can go on "dates" with myself without having to wait for some knobhead to grant me some of his precious time.

I am sure I can think of some other positives to write here. Bet you all can too.

When I'm alone I can say yes to any invitations I want without having to consider whether I have previously made some arrangement with fuckface.
When I'm alone I don't have to remember what he is doing all the time because he needed me to fucking remind him of all the commitments he had (which were far too many).

Loving the list @carrotflinger

I’ll add a couple!

When I’m alone I haven’t got to worry about being lied to about him working and really playing golf (I never even had a problem with him playing golf)
When I’m alone I can leave the washing up in the sink for a few days and nobody gives a shit
When I’m alone I don’t have to worry about being the only couple that don’t slow dance at a wedding because he always refused to
When I’m alone I don’t have to live in fear of being left unexpectedly again like this time