Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

@missbee90
Seriously - I was single at 30 after my divorce and had a disabled DS in tow.

I was absolutely not short of offers! I wish it was as easy ten years and more baggage down the road.

When you feel ready, the world will be your oyster. Truly. You don't need to worry about that!

@carrotflinger and @missbee90
I feel the same about not fancying anyone.

The date I went on was so good - and this man would be near perfect if it was a box ticking exercise. I know that pre-twatface me would have fancied him too.

But I feel sort of numb. And when the date ended I was thinking 'don't kiss me, don't kiss me!' And was utterly terrified at the prospect.

But I know that I like him - and he is attractive. I just feel like I'm cheating still (as utterly ridiculous as that is!). I know it will pass eventually, but it is really difficult and painful.

This is one of the reasons I can't get my head around being replaced so soon - because I am months down the line and don't feel ready. He compartmentalised so well that he could be in bed with someone else a week later and think it had absolutely nothing to do with me. He had already shut me in a different box.

It's a way of thinking I can't relate to.

Wow she's got a cheek messaging you @Nikjayne. Hope you're ok.

Thank you all for the lovely words and comments. Just need to ignore his stupid comments trying to blame me and realise that if he had actually told me he had problems in the relationship I would’ve had the chance to try and fix them but he never once spoke to me about issues.
Just need to remember time is a healer xx

Exactly @missbee90 you can't do much if they don't talk. My didn't try to talk to me either, but then what would he have had to say 'oh you've been a bit grumpy stuck indoors for 4 months recovering from surgery and I fancy a carefree teenager at work' lol.

Yeah just takes time, can be quite slow going sometimes but we'll be okay. Our shallow exes will keep jumping from person to person. xx

Yes. The not talking thing seems to be a pattern too.

I'm not sure whether that's because there is a problem and they are too cowardly to face it - or that there isn't, but they need that narrative to excuse upping and leaving for someone else.

I yelled that at mine during Christmas Present Gate.
'I don't remember you saying there was a problem, I don't remember you saying you weren't happy. I don't remember you talking to me about what was bothering you and asking for my opinion. I don't remember you being any less loving, affectionate, passionate and present. Right up until we had sex that last time..

And then...bang! Dumped and bang! Replaced.

I would have moved heaven and earth to make this work, but you I had no say. This was done to me. That is not the way you behave in a long and loving relationship.

He apologised then. Said 'I get it. I'm to blame for it all' which just annoyed me. That's just another way of saying 'shut up' in my book. He doesn't believe he is to blame. And I wasn't saying that anyway - I might have been completely to blame, but I don't know, because I don't know what went wrong!

The loss of control over my own destiny has been a real struggle for me. Having something happen to you that completely turns your life upside down and having absolutely no say in it is tough. Really fucking tough.

Honestly I could have wrote that last post word for word @brainache78 ... even on the morning of the break up he messaged me saying “I love you my perfect wifey” then got in bed with me that night and told me he didn’t love me anymore - IT IS A TOTAL HEAD FUCK!!!

I’ve not spoken to him since he collected his stuff and we don’t speak anymore only about house / divorce sorting out and he’s just messaged me this ...

“I am sorry, I hate that you probably dont feel safe living by yourself as I know you used to hate sleeping alone and there is no one to do the jobs in the house for you! Horrible seeing the dog he must miss me so much! Just so shit Im sorry for everything hopefully you can start moving forward let me know if you here anything else on house and divorce and will speak soon x”

What is he trying to do to me?

Yeah definitely understand that, it's horrible to have no say in the future you thought you had suddenly.

Putting his guilt on you, charming. @missbee90

The loss of control over my own destiny has been a real struggle for me. Having something happen to you that completely turns your life upside down and having absolutely no say in it is tough. Really fucking tough.

^ THIS! It’s exaxtly that, how dare someone just decide they’re not good enough for me and feed me all the you’re the best person in the world crap and then be loved up with someone else 3 months after leaving.. are you saying she’s worse? Are you saying you can be better for her but not me? THEY MAKE NO SENSE

@missbee90
Yep! It doesn't make any sense. It really doesn't.

We will never understand it.

But maybe we don't need to. It just underlines that this is their problem and not ours. It is something in them that caused this - and only they can reconcile it (or stick it in a box, ignore it and hope it all goes away)!

My friends have reached the point (quite rightly!) where they don't want to hear me thing myself up in knots over it and all I get out of anyone is 'forget it. Move on now. Look forwards'

And, of course, they are right. I am trying to do that, but my brain will still take me back to the 'why?' Every now and then - because I think that's human.

It's especially difficult for you because of all the crying and emotional manipulation. It is almost impossible to see him crying and saying he feels so bad and not wonder 'well why did you fucking do it, then?!'

My ex did this before and after he came back we discussed various things to improve the relationship and it really seemed to have been working. He loved me more than ever etc etc blah blah.
I said to him at the time that he should work on communicating when there is a problem so we could deal with it and that if he did feel that the relationship was heading for the rocks he should discuss it properly.
Nope.... same thing as last time, doesn't like something I say, takes a huff and then meets some random woman and a week later he's off - attempting to do so without even saying he's moving out.
No chance for discussion or anything.

He has a serious problem inside his own head that only he can deal with. Caught him doing a "drive past" again last night. I was driving the other way in the car so I simply turned my head away from him while he was waving at me. Fuckwit.

@brainache78 give the guy you went on a date with a chance! You don't have to kiss him yet. If he's decent he'll understand.

Thank you @carrotflinger. I definitely will. He's such a lovely guy.

He passes all of my deal-breaker criteria. He is interesting and intelligent, he is the primary carer for his 2 DCs (I can't be doing with Dads who thing EOW is enough parenting. I have 50/50 with my two and I think that's how it should be) He was even a stay at home Dad when the second one was a baby.

He has the same political beliefs, outlook and values as me. The conversation was really easy.

We even had a chat about the relative merits of various anti-depressants as he's on them too. It's a major bonus that he's likely to understand my shaky mental health!

And he's undoubtedly attractive so I just know that when I've shaken off this disaster, I will fancy him too.

It's just going to take me a bit of time to shake off this numb feeling.

He knows where I'm at, though - and I'm sure he won't push me!

And what's with the bloody drive-bys? That is just bloody weird! What is he hoping to see?!

Do you think he's checking to see whether you're with someone else? Or is he hoping to see you in a weeping puddle on the floor?

Bloody weirdos the lot of them.

I have no idea brainache but it is annoying.
It does still make my heart jump a little.
I think he probably wants to see why I am not contacting him - maybe I have starved to death through grief or I have some new bloke.

@brainache78 - The date sounds promising, no harm in taking it slow and seeing what happens!

@carrotflinger - The drive by is SO strange, I’d love to know what goes through his head when he thinks yup I’m gonna go drive by her house!!!

Yeah the drive by is weird. I think he likes torturing himself (he actually did this over a few bad decisions he made in the past - jobs and opportunities he had that he screwed up). I think he likes to drive by and torment himself - no idea really - he has done 4 drive bys that I have seen.

My ex before him was British and moved back to the Uk. He has done two "drive bys". Booked himself cycle touring holidays and "happened" to stay nearby and turned up at my door. Both years it happened I was out but neighbours reported it.

@carrotflinger
My gosh, you seem to attract weird stalker types!

What's up with them? They say they want to leave but still keeping in touch and drivin past?

Thought we may be able to relate ... Pic 4 & 5 to follow

Read from top to bottom x

That made me cry, @missbee90

I'm all over the place tonight. I've had a couple of good, positive days and suddenly, out of nowhere, it all came back again.

Almost like I've just realised that it actually, really happened all over again. I feel like - when I'm feeling happy and getting on with life - my brain has managed to convince me that it isn't true.

And then, suddenly, I remember the cosy photo of them together and feel the loss and the pain and the betrayal.

He has really gone. Forever. And he is with his new woman having a lovely time and probably amazing sex (and sorry to be blunt about that - but that really hurts me. His sexual side was the bit that I had all to myself. And now it has been given to someone else) and not missing me alone tiny bit. He'll be making future plans with her now. Entwining their lives together and erasing all of my existence.

There were little bits of me all over his house. The original limited edition LPs I had framed that are on his study wall, cards I sent him on the fridge, the coke bottle he got with my name on it on the shelf next to his and his son's, the little bits and bobs I bought him as presents to represent private jokes and experiences we shared, the scrabble tile magnets I bought that we used to write messages to each other on the fridge with (usually rude ones!), the initial on the back of the bedroom door where my dressing gown hung next to his, the little pictures my daughter made for him on the pin board in the kitchen.

He will have removed it all. He will have removed all trace.

And now it will be her that decorates his life.

And fuck me it stings.

Again could have wrote your post myself @brainache78 .. it stings like people wouldn’t understand.

I do worry I’ve made the wrong move staying in “our” house.... only time will tell.

We’re allowed our bad days, I know exactly what you mean about being busy and forgetting it’s happened and then BAM it hits me cold in the gut.

What do we want though? We know deep down if they come back that it would be near on impossible to forgive. I think I want his new relationship to fail - nasty, honest but true.. I want him to have to be on his own and deal with the raw emotion, it sucks.

Tomorrow is a new day lovely, sorry it made you cry xxxx

@missbee90

I know. The childish part of me wants him to feel the loss.

I want it to not work out with this woman and for him to be alone and realise what losing me really means when there is no distraction.

But then I remember that I love him and truly do want him to be happy. If this is what it takes, then so be it.

But that is my own cognitive dissonance to deal with - and the way it goes depends where on this fucking cruel, constant cycle of grief is at.

I feel like I don't know my own mind. As if it can't decide how I really feel about anything, because my feeling change from one minute to the next, one hour to the next. What do I want? How do I feel? Who the hell even am I?

I have never said this in my entire teaching career, but I really can't wait to get back to work next week and have some constant distraction with no leeway for thinking for the majority of my waking hours.

Because this seesaw is making me feel like I've totally lost the plot.

I'm sorry you are having the same thing, @missbee90. Bloody sucks.