Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Aargh!
I can't bloody sleeeeeep!

Hope you managed to drift off @brainache78 and feeling a little better.
Another shit day for me today, drained of feeling so crap about it all. Miss him like crazy at the moment.

Hi!
No. I didn't sleep until 4am at the earliest! I feel absolutely wrecked this morning!

I ended up writing the longest ever email (not to be sent) with every thought in my head. Every thing I would say to him if I was given an hour and complete freedom to say everything I felt.

It covered everything from the way he dumped without a discussion, the way he so easily slept with OW so soon, the way he cheapened everything...absolutely everything.

It was cathartic, in a way - but it still didn't help me to sleep!

Sorry you're struggling, @missbee90.

I'm sick of hearing it and saying it, but just give it all time. All any of us can do is ride the waves and wait for the seas to calm.

@brainache78 - Hope you’re feeling better and have a better sleep tonight.

I feel physically and emotionally drained today. I’ve cried all day and just shut myself away. I just can’t see a point where I ever get over this. X

Hi all,
I'm raging today. I am so angry with him for messing me about like this and possibly just acting a part for the whole five years.
Now at 42 I have to go out and start all over again.
Fucking bastard.

Hi @carrotflinger I've been feeling a bit like that today too. It's what was said in a previous post, I hate the feeling of having my life tipped upside down and someone lying for who knows how long. Selfish and cowardly.

I spent a lot of time and energy and love as well on trying to make a nice life for the pair of us and he just wasn't giving back (though I didn't realize the extent of his selfishness at the time).
I could have been putting that energy and love into someone who deserved it or into my own life to make my life fabulous.

I spent so much time waiting for him - waiting for him to come back from work (yes, he does have a strange job with weird hours) and not knowing whether to cook food for us or not and then have him complain when I hadn't made food when he then showed up at 10 pm or later or complain because I had made food and he had already eaten - therefore the food was wasted. I could not get him to understand that a simple text message would suffice saying whether work was going on longer or not -but he seemed to think that was "controlling".
And then at the end he said some pretty vile stuff and then comes back a couple of days later wailing and crying and the fucker is still doing occasional drive bys.

At the end he was being a real chauvinist pig telling me what he expected of a wife and that I wasn't good enough.
Fuck off then.

Just wish I had ditched him long ago.

And we got two kittens and he was the one pushing for them and then he says at the end "yeah, don't like cats being in the house anyway. They should be outside and they stink and I don't like the litter trays." Well, why the hell did he push to get the kittens and coo over photos of them we got before they came etc. He claimed to love the old cat as well (who is still here) and certainly spent a load of time cuddling him and then after 5 years claims he doesn't like cats and their food stinks and he doesn't like cat food on the floor.
What the absolute fuck.

Yeah I'm raging today.
The only positive thing about this is I now have all 3 cats to myself and I don't have to share them with anyone. They make less mess than he did and their litter trays are kept very clean etc.
Also they don't come rolling in drunk at all hours yelling "woooooaaaaaoooooaaaaaa"

@carrotflinger - let it all out, sounds like he wasn’t adult enough to understand that a relationship needs communication much like my ex.

I’m also raging today.. he came in to my/(our old) house to collect his stuff a few days ago.. cried, said he loved me and fucked my head .. I stupidly messaged him last night saying He had messed my head and it was unfair of him to do that and I was worried about his mental state and he replied basically telling me I need to let go and move on .. I’ve now blocked and deleted him (again and for the final time) how dare he be able to come in to my house and cry and mess my head and I reach out to him once and he basically tells me to do one.

Heartless, spineless wanker.

Don't communicate with him @missbee90 don't tell him anything like that, they'll just hurt you. My mantra is to go off his actions not anything he said.

@sausage101 Yep couldn’t agree more, no more communication he can go via my solicitor. I’m done being accommodating ex wife, jog on prick!

@missbee90 what a wanker.
The last time my fuckwit ex did off I was worried about his mental state constantly. I was terrified he was going to kill himself as he made insinuations to this effect. I think it was just a way of manipulating me to make sure I was still around should he not find a "better" girlfriend.
Covert narcissist.

That is why this time I have refused to have any contact with him at all and not engage with him.
This morning I am reading through some emails I sent my Dad the last time he did off. Constant drama - what a bloody nightmare.

The Christmas holidays are over and it is back to work on Monday and back to my usual routine so I am going to try not to waste anytime thinking about this idiot during the day.

@missbee90 you are doing the right thing blocking and deleting. Stick to it. He isn't worth your time and energy. If he is miserable weeping and wailing and crying alone, tough shit. He brought it on himself just like my ex.

I bought a lovely new dress and it arrived yesterday. Ex didn't like me buying clothes and would complain about them costing too much money. The new dress is gorgeous and I can't wait to wear it - it's my "Fuck you" dress.
I don't normally wear dresses at all.

Good! You don't owe him anything. I still care about my ex and worry if he's okay but he chose to be with someone else so he doesn't care about me! Just care for yourself and your own sanity first.

I'm feeling just resigned and tired today.

It just all feels so stupid and pointless.

He must think this is what he wants, but I still struggle to see why. I don't think I'm difficult to live with. We never argued. If there was a problem we would talk about it and sort out a solution (up until he decided it 'wasn't working'). It was a good relationship no matter how he chooses to see it. She will struggle with a few of his habits, I'm sure. Not that he had bad ones like bad personal hygiene or anything! He just has a blind spot about some things...

Like female friendships he has that are too close for comfort and take up a lot of his time and attention. That never bothered me, because I knew him before - and I know that it's all part of his knight in shining armour shtick. But I think any one else would find it difficult - and he absolutely won't tolerate being told it's strange and not right. That will cause arguments, I'm almost sure of it.

And like the things he says sometimes because he is 'being honest'. Again - I knew him and knew exactly how to take what he says.

And the hyper-vigilance about being 'manipulated'. I saw him through the breakdown of his marriage and saw it all first hand. His wife was insecure and used to be emotionally controlling and he is absolutely intolerant of anyone being needy or needing reassurance.

He is not easy to be with in some ways, but I understood him and I could give him the right sort of support (and gently tell him when he was being a dick in a way I knew he could take!). I put up with things that other people wouldn't deal with just because I got it and I knew him.

I just feel like it's all a massive waste.

But I'm done crying about it for now. I'm back to numbness and feeling so weary about it all.

Some things here sound like my ex as well - the female friendships were also similar. I can't see another woman putting up with that sort of thing. I know that my ex was more stable when he was with me - less drinking, less chaos in his life etc... BUT it was all at my expense.
And in your case @brainache78 it was probably taking it all out on you.

I, too, can't imagine another woman putting up with this sort of thing over a long period of time but it isn't my problem any more. He will realize this as time goes on for himself.

On the day my ex moved out he claimed that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't have all these problems anyway. He'd have a woman who'd "let him do what he liked" and she'd be pretty and keep house properly. He implied that all his problems were my fault.
Absolutely ridiculous - he had problems long before he met me.

Your ex probably thinks some other woman will solve all his problems. Well she won't.
I just hope that all of us on this thread find someone who deserves our love and who makes time for us and listens when we have our own problems because it seems like there are a heck of a lot of men around who are obsessed with themselves.

*taking it all out OF you - not taking it out ON you!

God sorry but these guys sound pathetic, they shouldn't get into relationships before they've had a good look at themselves. Ugh this year has put me off for life.

@carrotflinger
I've never really been the jealous type, but he did give me twinges if it at times when he'd been up late texting another woman. I know there was nothing in it that I needed to worry about. He always talked to me about it. There was no overt crossing boundaries from an emotional or physical point of view, it was just investment of time and attention in another woman (he said person - it wouldn't matter if it was a male or female friend, but it always seemed to be women). But it was still a bit 'off'

I'm not going to suddenly start to be more of a jealous or insecure person about fidelity. All I ever said is that if someone comes along that floats your boat, you'll leave me for them - and there is nothing that worrying or enforcing boundaries is going to do about that (although I don't think I believed that was EXACTLY what was going to happen to us!).

I think my baggage from this is going to be about not being secure even if someone appears to be happy with me. Because he did. Right up until he left.

So I think I'm going to be worrying that there is a front being put up and any new man is going to have to be reassuring that they are really happy and there isn't anything sinister going on in their brains while they are outwardly loving and invested. I do worry that is going to make things difficult if I ever get into another relationship.

And yes @Sausage101. It is bloody off-putting isn't it? This whole thread - and the myriad of others almost exactly the same - makes me wonder whether anyone is trustworthy and honest. It's a real headfucker.

Where is the emotional intelligence?

I had a real moment of 'is anyone capable of being decent?!' Years and years ago.

My exH, who by then was expecting his first child with his now DW came round one day with the hedge trimmer I had asked to borrow. I was totally gutting the nightmarish garden.

He stayed to help. It was a hot day and all afternoon we were working hard and got quite hot and grimy (I was also pregnant, incidentally)

After all of that, I gave him a beer and I got a takeaway in to thank him for his help.

When he was leaving, he tried to kiss me. And then he said our relationship had ended without us ever having had sex for 'one last time' and he really wanted to.

I absolutely and totally would have put millions on him being completely faithful. He just was! And yes, lines were muddled in his head because we had been married, but really?! Fucking scummy behaviour from someone with a pregnant girlfriend.

That shook my faith. You can't trust anyone.

@brainache78 that's exactly my worry, someone putting on a front of being happy. I'm not sure how I'll get over that.

@brainache78 Wow, that must have been a shock with your xh. Bloody hell.

The other problem with ex spending all of his time counselling other people was that - when I was struggling with depression - I didn't talk to him much about it other than telling him when I was ill and talking about doctor or psychologist visits.

He did so much emotional labour for others that I tried to spare him mine. I didn't want to be on his list of needy cases.

I thought I was doing him a favour not piling more onto him.

But I suppose, if I'm honest with myself, I slightly resent that lack of care. Because in my opinion, that is exactly what we have relationships for, but he was having these relationships with everyone but me.

He used to devote hours and hours, but then would complain that it was a one way street and they weren't there for him.

So I tried to be the one he confided in and shared his problems with - because no one else was and I saw that as the normal thing to do for someone you love.

Not sure he ever appreciated it now I look back.

Luckily, I am fortunate to have so, so many amazing friends. I have never been short of someone to talk to.

I am holding on to that now - and I want to devote my time to them now.

I have been a bit absent for a few years because of spending all of my free time with my ex - because we were both had children and didn't live together and because a couple of years into the relationship, he moved across to the other side of our very large city (without even telling me before he'd sold 'our' house that we were planning to live together in! That is a WHOLE other story!), so I spent a lot of time driving the hour across to him and back again when I didn't have the children.

I put all of the physical work into the relationship on that front. Again - not appreciated.

I really am better off, aren't I? The more I write the more it's as clear as the nose on my face.

But yes - I have friends and I am lucky. They are worth far more to me than ex is. They have my back where he didn't. They have saved me in the last few months. That is support he doesn't have apart from new woman. Good luck to him.

Hi lovely ladies,
Happy Sunday, I hope the weekend has treated you all week. Have just been catching up on your posts and my god we were all involved with self obsessed selfish shits wasn’t we.

I think my baggage from this is going to be about not being secure even if someone appears to be happy with me. Because he did. Right up until he left.
@brainache78 This.. exactly this is my concern and my problem but I hope with time we can get past this.

I’m feeling a little better since blocking and deleting him, he’s got my email address and solicitors details so if he needs to know anything about the property or divorce then he can go via that route.

You too @missbee90 and everyone on the thread.

Well done @missbee90! That is so positive!

I've lost count of my number of days without contact (should have done the calendar thing!) but it is getting easier.

Back to work tomorrow, so will get a brain break from all the over-thinking.

I hope everyone's ok.