Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Oh God @carrotflinger! So many issues in one man!

None of it excuses his shitty behaviour. You are so well rid!

None of that was about you. All about him justifying things to himself. It must have been horrible. I'm sorry he treated you like.

Wow @carrotflinger comments on making him fat and being too pushy on trains .. he really was clutching at straws to find a problem!! Love the SSKM.. might mutter that as he walks out the door... can be my parting words!

@brainache78 - love the Carrie Fisher quote!!

The more we talk about these men, the more they seem like absolute losers! Gambling habits, drugs, prostitutes, emotional baggage (which we all have - but some of us choose to deal with it)...so many reasons we are better off.

@missbee90
I think the vast majority of men who do a sudden flit like ours have done, out of the blue, oh don't love you any more, bye, have some kind of deeper problem.
You could be right about yours having gambling and cocaine problem.
Mine has an alcohol problem and possibly a prostitute problem as well. He claimed he never went to the brothel again after we got together and it was just something young men do around here - now I'm not sure, maybe he was in the brothel and I didn't know. He was certainly quick enough to start visiting again after we split.

Also mine had spent 24000 pounds in the last couple of years on stuff.... so a shopping addiction as well maybe.
Trying to fill the big hole in his heart where his mother's love shouldbe.

@missbee90 - yeah his reasons were ridiculous. I wasn't too pushy on trains... we are in Europe and people don't queue like the British so if you don't at least attempt to stay with the group pushing at the door you'd never get on the bloody train. He'd stand back - he'd have to be the last to do anything - always waited and let everyone else go first - even if that meant letting 100 people push past.
At least his stupid reasons mean that he couldn't think of anything really bad I had done to him. I loved him very much and spent 5 years trying to make a nice life for us and do things to help him feel better about himself. But in the end you can't make another person happy.

That is so sad @carrotflinger. He has really lost out on someone who would do anything for him and who demonstrated their constancy and love.

So short-sighted. You deserve better - he doesn't. There is no better for him.

And you're right. He needs to make himself happy, but he's going about it all the wrong way and looking in all the wrong places.

It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for him (don't, though!)

Thanks @brainache78 Yeah I suppose you fixate on the difference. I do remember what I was like at 19 so I can't totally hate her. She did know I was laid up after surgery and had met me as his fiance so I do think she is a bit low. But who knows what lies he told her. I weirdly feel sorry for her.

Yeah that's interesting and sounds similar to some stuff with my ex about changing appearence and stuff. Although I'm not sure what came first. her or the changes if you know what I mean.

I think it's a sad way to live, very shallow, dropping people like old toys.

I love that Carrie Fisher quote. :) True.

Yeah the problem was that I did feel sorry for him. Also I made excuses for his bad behaviour due to the way his parents treated him (and they were really bad as he was growing up - I've heard that from others not just ex).
I always seem to attract men with "issues". I would really like to meet a solid, stable man with a nice family who would be accepting of me.
There is someone I really like who plays music with me. There has been a bit of a spark since we first met last year. I haven't told him that I am single yet. I don't want to mess with his head. Mutual friends told me he has recently been treated for cancer - they did not elaborate on what kind and when exactly this was etc. So first of all I don't want to mess with his head while I am recovering from the way I have been treated and secondly, I don't know if I could start a relationship with someone without knowing more about his illness. I just don't think I could cope with it at the moment. I sound like a selfish cow now. He's never mentioned the cancer and I can't let on I know as he'll know the mutual friends spilled and perhaps they weren't meant to.

Stuff is gone, he spoke at me for about 2 minutes & got upset..it was horrible. Just said how sorry he is and he hates how much he’s hurt me but I’ll be better off without him... fucking twat. Also confirmed the girl he’s been seeing is now his girlfriend. All just hurts so fucking much but I can only hope the pain will ease x

Also said I spoke to him like shit sometimes and was always on my phone and if I hadn’t been like that then things may not have been so bad ... so now I’m totally blaming myself for everything

@missbee90
I'm so sorry. That sounds utterly horrendous.

I hate when they say they feel bad about the pain they've caused. It somehow makes it feel worse - like on top of it all they pity you now too. Fuck. Off.

What are you going to do now? The hurt and adrenaline must be pumping. How can you distract yourself?

It's over now. You got through it. Well done.

I bet that was awful but how dare he be so upset as he cause the pain!! I won’t ever have to see my ex again, he has already collected all his stuff and we don’t share children, I can’t bear the fact I will never see him again

I’m going to meet a friend for a drink, answers are always at the bottom of the gin!
I don’t even look at him and think I WANT YOU, I NEED YOU. I just look at him and see home I guess!? If that makes sense.
I’m just so angry that he can meet someone else so quickly and probably be MR fucking perfect.

@missbee90 oh why is he telling you all that, one thing with my ex at least he kept quiet about her when he got his stuff, ugh I didn't want to hear about it. It's not your fault, no-one has a perfect relationship and you don't know if what he was doing affected your behaviour. I kept thinking what you're thinking; I was grumpy in the months when I was recovering from surgery when he was probably debating on leaving. I've pored over it and thought I'm awful, but he started to become interested in her before my injury and he was putting all of his emotional energy into her.

I knew subconsciously something was off and I was reacting to the 'temperature change' in the relationship without knowing it. He was distant and weird and kept picking weird fights and being mean about clothes I had bought or the way my makeup looked. I completely trusted him though (more fool me) and would never have known he was chasing a co-worker whilst I was that ill.

Sorry for the ramble just reminded me of when I was blaming myself. I mean I do have things to work on and I'm weirdly grateful to be able to relfect and grow as a person but I just wish it could have been through normal adult communication not running into the arms of the first person that flirted at work in the stock room.

I can totally relate to that @sausage101.. the temperature change comment totally hit home. I’m glad that you don’t doubt yourself, it sounds like you have absolutely NO reason too!!

Tomorrow is a new day and I can and will get over this xx

:) You will xx

Argh I feel so shit, he has literally ripped my heart out by leaving and then stomped all over it by having a new girlfriend, feel sick, empty and lost.

I’m not ready for a relationship yet but I can’t help but feel like I’m going to be a lonely old women with dogs forever and end up without children .. I just don’t fancy anyone and feel like all the good ones are going to be married off.

Ridiculous I know.. so bloody ridiculous!

@missbee90
He's a shitbag.
I worry about the not being ready for a relationship thing yet but there are stirrings are something with the guy described upthread.

I know what you mean about not fancying anyone. I haven't fancied anyone in the 5 years I was with him - just him, never looked at anyone else. I look around now and still don't fancy anyone, just this one bloke a little bit.

I think we will start to fancy other people - we just need time.

@carrotflinger - Keep us posted on how that progresses! I hope so, I just feel like at 28 it’s a difficult age to meet people, hopefully I’m wrong! Xx

Oh lordie... I'm 42!! That's a difficult age to meet people not 28!
You'll be ok - honest, you will.

You won't feel ready yet which is a goodthing. Just do your own thing to get your confidence back, don't think too far ahead after what's just happened.

I’m really struggling with self blame, I hate myself for not being good enough for him, especially the message I received off his girlfriend was so vile, she said my childish insecurities had broke him! He said he loved me so much

@Nikjayne this is not your fault, so don't do the self-blame thing. This wasn't about you.

None of us is perfect. This new woman certainly isn't if she thinks that is a decent way to behave. She is clearly extremely insecure about you.

This was never about you. There is nothing you could have done about it. Believe me.

I've done the analysing my own behaviour and wishing I had been different, but the fact remains that I don't think it was about me, in the end. So it's just painful and hurting me more. Please don't do it to yourself.

You are amazing. Truly. And you'll be ok.

What are you doing today?