Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Well he said he loved me but I’m wondering if it was just fatuation and when the honeymoon period wore off he decided to flea! He had me on such a pedestal and worshipped the ground I walked on I am starting to wonder it if was all lies, especially as he posted a photo of him and the woman he works with on social media 3 weeks after leaving me!!

Well it can't be love with this new person if he's just jumped from you to her.

Oh shit. They just have no self-awareness.

The pedestal thing is really hard to reconcile, isn't it? I was on a really bloody high one! He describes the moment we first met as some kind of epiphany for him (when he was married with a 1 year old and I was pregnant with my first and with my husband!). He made absolutely no impression on me at all. That was 10 years before we got together.

He first told me he loved me when I was pregnant with my second (maybe he has a freaky thing about pregnant women? That has never occurred to me before!). I, obviously told him to leave and that we couldn't be friends any more because it was completely out of order!

Then, when I was single and so was he and he made his move he was so full of how he had wanted this for so long and had loved me from afar for so many years and I was perfect and at last we could be together - it was all meant to be.

Total bollocks. If I was such a prize, why would he fling me away?

I realise I've just demonstrated what a snake he is. I was the unobtainable woman - and he was bloody married. He has always been scum, clearly, but I couldn't see it at the time. Being made to feel so wanted and desired is quite alluring. Maybe I need to do some work on that!

He obviously has a thing for the romantic narrative - and the reality is not like that. When someone has you in the 'perfect' box and you are human and have faults like everyone else, it is easy to spectacularly fall off the pedestal.

Pedestals are bollocks.

Yes, @Sausage101
At best, he is in lust with his new one, @Nikjayne. That will keep him going for a bit.

But real relationships are based on far more. He doesn't know this OW yet. Not properly.

Couldn’t agree more with all of your comments. He has just messaged and asked if I can give him 10 minutes of talk when he picks his stuff up ... I’ve not replied, he can come and get his stuff and leave. He won’t give me any answers so it’s pointless x

@missbee90
You are so right. Stay strong! He doesn't get to dictate that you should listen to whatever bollocks he has to say. He has said everything he needs to.

Let us know how it goes
X

Yeah exactly, it's just about the first feelings you get, it could be anyone. I think they are probably insecure underneath it all or just selfish or both! I kept asking a friend at the start how can I compete (don't want to just talking about it) with this teenager that has no stress, no worries (I was recovering from major surgery) but she said it's not about her in particular just the way he feels with her.

That shine wears off though, everyone has faults and annoying habits. I suppose they think it's 'true love' because it's so easy and new. It's like they are teenagers!!

And everyone is allowed to leave a relationship but it's such a cowardly way to leave. No warning, no thanks for the good times just 'oh sorry there were no good times by the way' it's so cruel and unthinking.

@missbee90 good luck, don't let him dictate like brainache says stay strong, cool. x

Going through bedroom drawers and my ex has left all sorts! What do I do? He doesn;'t even contact me anymore about this stuff. I can't just chuck it can I? Under the sofa with the rest? lol

@missbee90
Can you put his stuff outside the door and not let him in?

Failing that I would block any attempts at discussion. ie. blank it - don't reply to anything, just say "And here are your CDs" or something like that.
Then he continues his blah blah and you just repeat yourself "Here are your CDs". "There are 3 more boxes to take" etc...
ie. only say things that are directly related to him moving out.

It is pointless listening to anything he has to say. He chose to leave, he doesn't get to try to make himself feel better by making excuses for his poor behaviour.
This is what I realize now about the last time my fuckwit ex left. He wanted "to talk" but all it did was make me feel shit about myself because it was basically him projecting his issues on to me and blaming me for the break up "You didn't fight hard enough. That made me angry" Whoopee doo - you were angry - woo hoo.

The chat is usually just to ease their own guilt anyway.

@Sausage101 - box it up and store it somewhere. Send him a message saying he has until X date to collect it otherwise you are going to dispose of it.
A friend of mine had this problem. She split with him but he refused to acknowledge the split and she let him stay in her house for a while. He disappeared one day without a trace and she was left with two motorbikes and various large items like a sound system and other expensive things. She wanted to sell the house and in the end she got a lawyer to write a letter saying get rid of the stuff by x date or its going. He still didn't pick it up so she sold the lot.

@carrotflinger that's weird. Who leaves it stuff like that? Yeah I tried that and he just kept ignoring me or leaving it. I think I'll just box it all up and put it away. It's really odd, he knows he can just get it and be done and get on with the shiny new life. I suppose it's easier to pretend we don't exist for some of them. Weird.

It is cruel, @Sausage101. You don't deserve that treatment. No one does.

Shiny and new can't cut it for long. There needs to be some depth.

It is only human to compare yourself with the new woman - it's almost impossible not to given that the bare facts of it are that they chose the new one over you (my ex didn't like me putting it like that - but that is exactly what he did, so he can't really argue!).

In your case, she is ridiculously young and that's what you will fixate on as the special difference that he seems to have chosen. Mine is that she's fucking hot! I don't know - maybe she is clever and funny and kind and all of the things I believe myself to be too, but he can't know her well enough to know those things yet.

I think he lost weight, felt good about himself and wanted someone to validate that. The person who loved him when he was fat isn't going to give him that ego boost. Counter-intuitive though it may be, I think he wanted someone to find him especially attractive because he's fitter and slimmer - and I didn't fancy him any more than I always had. He probably feels like he has earned a hot girlfriend.

...and here I am again trying to make sense of the nonsensical! I really need to stop doing that!

I think the fact that they move on so quickly (or have an overlap) shows that they haven't actually given their relationships with us any consideration. It's all distraction and avoidance. It simply has to come back and bite them, because the end of a relationship needs to be processed - for whatever reason it ended. They are managing to not face any of it...for now.

Youth fades. And I know I was a dickhead who thought I was so mature and worldly when I was 19/20. I would have had nothing to offer an older man except a younger body. I knew nothing. I can't see her holding his attention for too long.

None of this takes the pain away, though.

I’ve literally boxed it all up and it’s in the hallway by the front door, so I’ll literally open the door and watch him carry it to his car. Anything he ever says is to ease his own guilt, I’m not helping him carry it to the car... should’ve brought his girlfriend if he wanted help

I jest ... if he had brought his girlfriend I would’ve invited her in for a cuppa and ask if she knows that he messaged me last week telling me how he cries himself to sleep (I ignored that too).. he must do it very quietly as not to wake her

@missbee90
Well done! That is a good plan. Stonewall the fucker!

And how fucking dare he cry to you?! What a complete arsehole. Are you supposed to have sympathy?!

Anything he says just goes in my F OFF box, he had the front to approach my best friend at a party last weekend and asked how I was and why I wasn’t there. She didn’t give him any answers just said to him she doesn’t want to talk about it. Twatface.
Stonewall I will... whilst making sure I look half nice of course

Oh yes. Look effortlessly fabulous - and happy. Give off 'I'm so much better without you' vibes.
He's quite a shitbag. What an idiot.

And what is he doing approaching your friends?!

He's all over the place, isn't he?

Loved Carrie Fisher!

The fucking lies that come out of their mouths is unbelievable
I got the crying shit too

I fucking believed him too. More fool me.

That's what amazes me too, @missbee90. They are even treating their new girlfriends appallingly by using them as a rebound when they are still hurting. Who deserves to be treated like that?!

Crying himself to sleep?? Yeah right, and even if it's true I like the way Germans say SSKM.
ie. Selber Schuld Kein Mitleid loosely translated as
"Your own fucking fault, no sympathy"

@missbee90 - just keep saying SSKM at him.

Actually my ex was always crying himself to sleep when we first got together because of issues to do with his family.
I hate his guts now but a little bit of me still feels for him as he has had a bad upbringing and it has definitely had an effect on him.
But I can't change his family background and unless he works on his own problems he will never be any better. He will continue to behave the way he has done - almost covert narcissistic in a way - sucking the energy and life out of his source in order to fill the gaping hole in his own heart. When the source is exhausted and says something to him he doesn't like he feels like the ground is pulled away from under him and he has to go off and find the first woman he possibly can to flirt with and then treat the source like shit.
I keep thinking about how he looked at me with such disdain and contempt over the last couple of days - everything I did was wrong. My whole lifestyle was wrong. I didn't clean enough and made him fat with my meals. I was too pushy when waiting to board a train. Absolutely everything about me was wrong. I still feel awful - it makes you feel really shit.

He really is all over the place, mentally unstable I’m sure of it. I’m convinced he’s either got a gambling or cocaine problem that he hid from me, I might be totally wrong but that’s what my secret agent senses tell me.
He gambled a bit when we were together but it never seemed like a problem but I found 1 paper bank statement when sorting his stuff out, it was only 4 days worth from June but in those 3 days he had spent £380 in Ladbrokes.... I never had any idea he was gambling that kind of money! I was aware he did coke in the past on a very odd occasion in his early 20s but he made out to me he didn’t touch it anymore ... he’s now out in clubs until 6am sipping water HMM.

I don’t know, I’ll never know & in time I won’t care to know .... xx