Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

@brainache78 - I’m so sorry your new year had to start this way. Can you unfollow the people who post the pictures so you don’t see them.. I guess that’s hard if their mutual friends though as I can imagine i’d be reluctant to do that if it was me.

Do not put yourself down, from how you speak on here you seem like a strong women with a good head on your shoulders, looks fade and sooner or later she will get bored of him or he will get his head turned once again.

I know there’s nothing anyway can say to make you feel better, nothing at all but use this thread to let it all out and remember it wasn’t you, this was his fuck up & you will come out on top. We always do x

*nothing anyone can say (not anyway) I wrote that in a rush and angry for you.

How can people be so fucking insensitive to post pictures like that so soon after. It really gets me.

She may be hot but she doesn’t love him like l do.

Talking about nobody being perfect: I guarantee you the one flaw you have is not your looks, but is your idealization of some shallow loser-idiot.

oh no @Brainache78 that's awful for you to see that on New Year's Day when it should be a positive day.
The only thing I can say is that looks fade and if he is the sort to follow his penis and go after someone like that because she's absolutely gorgeous, when her looks fade or when he finds someone even more gorgeous, he'll be off again.

I'm not pretty and could do with being in better shape. I feel awful about my ex saying "I don't find you attractive". It's an awful thing to say and really below the belt when he knows I am self-conscious about my looks. But then I think "I'd rather be ugly than shallow like him".
It's pathetic it really is.

@brainach78 I remember the first time I saw my ex with the girl he left for, it was so painful. He didn't post any pictures of them or anything on his page (I suspect he was trying to pretend he was single for a bit and then pretend that they got together after) but she posted pictures of them on the beach with things like 'GREAT DAY' and 'I'm surprised I hid it as long as I did' and 'this has been a thing for a while'. It was so bloody horrible. She looks like a kid. She's 19. Still lives with parents when not at uni.

Just try not to look at anything. Try not to analyse it.

I'm sorry, I know how it made me feel, I'm sorry these people are insensitive arses that have to plaster everything when you're in pain. They're nothing to be jealous of.

Anyway looks and spark fades, what you two had is hard to find in life. He's foolish.

Just back from my date.

I was great. I had a lovely time. The only slightly icky thing is that he looks a bit like my brother, so I would have to get past that!

He's definitely worth a second date, though, at least.

I'm ok now after the shock earlier. I saw her profile and it has things on it like stupid filters and emojis and he hates things like that.

She has loads of selfies of the two of them - which he used to hate and there are only a handful of pictures of us together from the last 5 years.

And maybe that is something to do with it - he has always had a thing about me being more educated and intelligent than he is. I am more educated, yes, but I very much doubt the intelligence thing - he is more intelligent than he gives himself credit for.

So he may have swapped me for hot but not as bright - and maybe that's what he wants.

I imagine that will get quite dull, though.

I don't mean that to sound bitchy - and I'm sorry if it does. I'm still just trying to make sense of it all - which I already know is not going to get me anywhere, so I need to stop!

Good luck to him. Whatever his shallow reasons.

You don't sound bitchy, it probably is just a bit shallow, sounds it really.

Glad your date went well. :)

My date with Idris Elba on BBC1 went well

@brainache78 that's how I felt after my last relationship - the girl he's chosen can't be everything I was & it's truly his loss that less is what he wants

Oh yes, @Sausage101
I may go on that date tomorrow!

So glad the date went well @brainache78.. it’s a big step to even go out on one so well done you!
You don’t sound bitchy, you’ve probably hit the nail on the head.
He’s coming over after work to get the bags of shit he still has here, have no idea if it’s going to be a pop in and fuck off or if he will try and feed me empty words again. Will let you all know xx

I was due back at work today but I’ve had to take the rest of the week off, I’m mentally not strong enough after an awful xmas and new year! What is wrong with me, why can’t I hate him?! The fact that he has completley cut me out of his life and couldn’t even message my kids on xmas day should be enough to make me angry, I thought he would want a divorce so don’t know why he hasn’t replied to me

It is good that you have recognised you need some time @Nikjayne.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

Friends think I should be starting to pull myself together by now but he was my everything and it’s gone from constant contact when we were together to not a word, it’s been 6 weeks, should I be better by now!!

@Nikjayne
Rubbish! You will get over it in your own time. You have had your whole world shattered. It is going to take time. Lots of it. Don't give yourself - or let anyone else give you - a timescale. Don't put that pressure on yourself.

6 weeks is nothing, don't worry @Nikjayne, it takes time. It would be more worrying if you were just over it like it was nothing.

They also say I should hate him but I just can’t, his behaviour is not normal but the I suppose if he is loved up with someone else he won’t be caring what I am going through, he is not the caring, loving person I thought he was

@Nikjayne - no. No he isn't.

If it helps at all (and it probably doesn't) he has gone silent because it is how he avoids facing what he has done. It's common. He is seemingly finding this easier than you because he's put you in a box with the lid firmly on. If he takes the lid off and contacts you, he loses the ability to pretend you don't exist - which is how he is managing this. It would hurt him if he actually faced what he's thrown away.

It seems to be the way with these men. It's childish and immature, but they seem to have the emotional intelligence of a bowl of tomato soup.

Concentrate on you and be gentle with yourself.

What are you going to do with your days off? Can you think of something to treat yourself with?

@Nikjayne - 6 weeks is nothing, stop putting pressure on yourself to feel better, this is your battle and your journey ... not your friends.

I’m 5 months down the line and day to day I don’t feel as bad as I did in the first few weeks but it still fucking hurts, I still have moments where I just burst in to tears and I still have no answers as to why my husband left me but life has to go on but at my own pace and speed.

Friends and family can offer all the support in the world but unless you’ve been through this it’s impossible to relate.

None of us have any answers as to what happened to our husbands brains and hearts but we all have is time and time may not give us any answers but it will help the rawness and the pain to ease.

Keep posting away, we’re all in this together xx

@Nikjayne you can't just switch to anger, you're not a robot. It's a process. At first it's all bewildering and shocking. I think @backintheroom posted a link to the stages of grief. You will go through stages. And they might not be in any order for a while. Your trying to process it but it just doesn't make sense because you don't think like him. @brainache78 is right, he's probably just put you in a box mentally and is distracted by this new person now.

I'm the same as you, my ex has just gone silent, it bloody hurts and it's as if he has just vanished and I never existed. But I think brainache is right, they've just filed us away for now and don't want to face what they've done. It's cowardly and immature.

Tomato soup @brainache that made me laugh.

@brainache78, it’s hard to imagine that any of this would actually hurt him as he is being so heartless, to always have been telling me I was his best friend is rubbish, I just feel like I want to sit and watch TV,@sausage101, do you get the urge to contact your ex? I remember when he left he said that this was the last thing he wanted to happen and he was gutted, so why did he do it??

If it makes you feel any better I heard all the same @Nikjayne and a co-worker who had this happen heard the same and every thread where a man ups and leaves hears the same. 'I never loved ' 'you're more like a sister' 'the other woman gets me' 'it's all your fault because you nagged me to go to tesco that night'.

Think of the alternative; they have to look in the mirror and say 'I'm a cheating betraying shit'. Easier to project onto you and rewrite the whole relationship. It's a cogntive dissonence to soothe their ego.

Yeah I do get the urge, I even sent him a message over Christmas. It's hard. I shouldn't contact him as it just causes more rejection because of cold replies or no reply.

Don't go off what they say, they are proven liars, go off their actions and don't try to make sense of the rest. They don't even know what to say themselves.

@Nikjayne. It will hurt him. Not now maybe, but it will. He may be immature and cowardly, but he loved you - and probably still does if he would actually face it.

It's all part of the pattern. You can see it if you read through this thread - from everyone who has been through this.

Watch mindless TV and relax. Chat on here if you want to. I've got an easy day today as the DC are with their Dad.