Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Yeah true, go off actions not words with this lot

Yeah deepwatersolo I agree with you there. I am not interested in my fuckwit's narrative either. It was all complete and utter bollocks.
He fucked off and in fact attempted to do so without mentioning it to me. What kind of shitbag moves all of his stuff out and lets his gf of 5 years come home at midnight to find it all gone, having just got back from holiday where he was all lovey dovey and sweet.

Tomorrow it will be 8 weeks since he left. I have bad days still and right now my heart is hurting. I also dream about him every night.
However I am feeling stronger every day and I realize the relationship was completely wrong. I am thinking back over all the red flags - some of which I did not realize were red flags and others I CHOSE to ignore because I thought the rest of the relationship was worth it.

My self-esteem and ability to socialize is coming back. He kept making barbed comments about people not liking how I talked to them or claiming that I had said inappropriate things to people. Over the 5 years it made me really nervous to talk to anyone because I was paranoid about how I was coming across. Now I can see that it was him planting doubts in my head.
I have been to a birthday party today (in his village actually but not with any of his family there) and I was perfectly ok mixing with the people and they were nice to me.

It’s so hard isn’t it, I’m at a family event tonight and it’s so hard everyone being in couples, I wish I could look back and say he was horrible and treated me bad but he really didn’t, he was a good boyfriend / fiancé and husband but literally just changed overnight in to someone I don’t recognise, it’s so bizarre. Wish I could hate him, I really do. I hate what he’s done to me and how he can do this to me.

I'm so sorry @missbee90. It's so hard. I'm sorry that you are still struggling. I am too, so you have company!

Every day it will get easier. That is what I keep telling myself, anyway.

Thinking of you.

So hard, I just want to pain to go away permanently, nearly 6 months down the line and I still feel numb most of the time. I’m having to see him Wednesday, I’ve got shit loads of his stuff at the house still and told him I want it gone so he’s coming to collect it. Hopefully I’ll feel better once it’s all gone, have a feeling I’ll probably lose my shit when he comes over, I haven’t once since he left but I feel like it’s brewing and there’s a possibility that I’m going to explode. Part of me doesn’t care though, I don’t care what I say. He’s ruined me and my belief in anyone else and myself.. lied to me for months and pretended he was happy.. put his hand on my belly a week before leaving saying he couldn’t wait for our baby to be in there.. twiddled my engagement and wedding ring round my hand saying how I’d made him the happiest man in the world - it’s FUCKED!

Fucking hell, @missbee90. He really did a number on you, didn't he?

The sad and strange thing is that I absolutely don't doubt that he meant those things when he said them - to the extent that these men with feelings as deep as a puddle can mean them.

He has re-written history - but you know the truth. Don't doubt yourself or your understanding of your relationship. You know what he's thrown away. He has thrown away all of those things he said were true. He was lucky to have you. He did love you.

He will be doing his best now to stick those truths in a box, but they will jump out at him eventually like a big, fuck off jack in a box and he will not be able to pretend any more.

He has lost you - and that is a major mistake. You are doing so well and 6 months is no time at all to grieve for a future and all that you had together.

Stupid, stupid man.

And don't worry about losing your shit. I did it - and then beat myself up over it - but it actually did clear my head of some of the things that were spinning around and around. I got to tell him that his behaviour has been a disgusting betrayal and I'm glad that I got to say it. He doesn't get to dictate the narrative of what he has done. You have a point of view too - and if it comes out then let it. It's the anger that needs to spill out more than the hurt. Pour out the pain to us - for him reserve the disdain and disgust. Don't be sad to lose him, be absolutely livid that he treated you that way.

Good luck. It will feel awful. I can't imagine how it will feel waiting for him to turn up.

But then it will be over and another step down the road.

@brainache78 - Honestly he has literally pulled my heart out and shit all over it. He booked us a trip for our first wedding anniversary for October just gone (Anniversary was July... 8 days after he left) but I can’t understand why he booked the trip knowing full well he was leaving me!!! Honestly I could bore you all to death with the words he fed me even up until a few hours before he come out with “I don’t know if I love you anymore”.

He has re-written history - but you know the truth - Don’t I just!!

He will be doing his best now to stick those truths in a box, but they will jump out at him eventually like a big, fuck off jack in a box and he will not be able to pretend any more - This is so true, he even told me he’s “put me in a box” and tries to pretend “I don’t exist”.. he’s even commented that he wants to just runaway and hide forever (not realistic my friend!

I’m never going to get answers or “closure” I know that but fuck it, when he picks these bags of shit up he can get whatever comes out of my mouth. It’s just such a headfuck.. everyone used to comment on how good our relationship was etc etc and then BAM one day he just decided it wasn’t for him no more but can’t tell me why, literally just says “something inside me changed” “I didn’t feel excited to come home like I used too” “I’ve been fighting this in my head for months” and “you deserve better and you’ll see that when you get treated how you deserve”

Why fucking persuade me to start trying for a baby with you.. why say keep the spare room free when we decorated for a nursery .. why book a trip for us .. how can you tell me you love me and how special I am and how you’ll make me feel special for the rest of my life in a fucking card 8 days before leaving me if you’ve felt this way for “months”

It makes no sense, it’s never going to make sense, just wish I could make some sense of it all. I’ve been dumped as if we were 18 and together a few weeks, not 11 years, a house, a dog and a marriage - it’s a joke, it’s actually laughable that someone can treat someone this way. None of his friends and family can make any sense of it but nobody pushes him to talk because they say he doesn’t want to talk about it so they just pussyfoot around him and find it totally acceptable for him to have a new girlfriend and leaving me to sort out the house and divorce.

ARGH - sorry ladies, rant over. Just fucking fuming today as you can tell!

Do not be there when he comes over
That’s the only advice I can give in these circumstances
And do not let the fucker win
Keep that anger and use it positively

Rant away @missbee90 it's actually nice to know I'm not alone as I could write what you're saying. Same feelings.

Snap.

It's actually scary how similar out stories are. The lack of sense and the complete disbelief and devastation.

The cycle of rage-devastation-optimism (often too short-lived) - despair-disbelief and back to rage again just keeps coming, doesn't it?

I wish I could say I understand why this has happened to us all, but I can't.

In your case, @missbee90, you can't let him spin his web of bullshit and let it get in your head, because it is total cobblers. You were constant. You didn't change anything you did, or anything about the loving person you are. Something in him changed and made him someone else. Fuck knows why, but that is what has happened. He has turned from the man you knew into someone completely different and even he won't know why because he lacks the ability to reflect.

If he ever does have an ounce of self-awareness and sees what a massive mistake it all is, you will be stronger and braver than he will ever be.

These men will not be happy because they don't have the ingredients to make a happy life. They will do this again and again without any self-reflection. Closing a box and opening another without dealing with anything. Hopefully the boxes will all come crashing down on their thoughtless heads.

You didn't deserve this and I'm so sorry it has happened to you.

Keep ranting. It's cathartic. And you can read back in a few weeks and see that you've moved a few more steps along. We all feel what you feel, so no one gets it better than we do! I feel like I could write any one of your posts myself.

What hurts the most is I thought I was so lucky, I thought I had a genuine, honest and loving husband & a good relationship with minimal arguments or issues and now I have no idea what the relationship was or who he is. I also now doubt myself and my ability to fucking know the truth from fake. I hate that 6 months down the line I’m still so fucked by it all. I go to sleep in the bed that he broke my heart in whilst he goes to sleep next to his new girlfriend without a care in the world. Funniest thing is he ALWAYS used to say to me “If you ever left me, I’d be single forever, couldn’t deal with all that” and now the pig left me and is already bloody with someone else! It’s all just a bloody joke!

Thank you all so much, it’s so nice to come on here and rant away. My friends and family are amazing but nobody has been through it, I’m 28 so none of my friends are divorced and as much as their words and advice is helpful, they just can’t relate like you lovely lot can.

Hopefully this will give you all a giggle.. I went out last Friday, was speaking to someone and gave him my number (i’d had a few too many drinks!) below is the text thread ..

Him @ 10:32am - Great to meet you last night!

Him @ 15:50pm - How are you today?

Him @ 17:07 - Just wanted to say I think you’re beautiful and I’d love to take you out for a drink if you fancied it?

Him @ 19:07 - What a fool I am, I thought you actually liked me!!!!!!!!

JEEZ, GIVE ME STRENGTH. I’ve got a STBX who has deleted my existence & a stranger who I spoke to for all of 30 minutes telling me off for not replying within 12 hours. I must’ve been a bad old egg in a past life!!!

Your relationship was exactly what you thought it was. That's why it's such a complete head-messer.

When he booked that holiday it was because he wanted to go on it with you. He didn't do that knowing he was going to dump you. That would be ridiculous. He wanted you to have his baby. Don't let him make you doubt that. What happened between doing those things and now is anyone's guess.

Twathead often used to say to me that I know him better than anyone - that I'm the only person he ever felt able to open up to and be vulnerable with.

On occasions, when he was being open and sharing his feelings (which he struggles with a bit), he would say that he loved me so much and had broken down his defences to the point that I had to power to completely destroy him and he was scared that one day I would realise I could do better and would leave him - and he would never get over it.

It is the utterly vague 'it hasn't worked for a long time' that completely stumps me too. He absolutely agrees and has never even attempted to deny that our relationship was good. He said at one point - in the days after he dropped his bombshell - that when his marriage had finally limped to its end, it took him years to be able to look back at the good times, because it was all tainted by what happened in the last years. He said he doesn't have that trouble with us - because it was all good. All of his memories are happy ones and there is no weeding through bad times to find the good bits. Every bit was good - and he often gets struck by a good memory and can't breathe because it's all so upsetting that it's over (?!)

And if I hadn't been so shocked and broken I would have said 'you do realise that makes fuck all sense, don't you? It was either perfect or 'hadn't worked for a long time'. It isn't possible to have it both ways. That is massive cognitive dissonance right there.'

He couldn't say 'you don't understand me' because I always have done (until now!) - and he knows it.

He couldn't say 'we don't have enough in common' because we had EVERYTHING in common. We used to say the same things at the same time on a truly ridiculous number of occasions - it became a joke between us that our brains work in such a similar way (apart from in one case, it would now appear).

He couldn't say he didn't fancy me anymore because he clearly did (and does). He couldn't say he doesn't love me anymore - because pretty much all he has said since he dropped me was that he does and always will.

So the relationship - by his own admission - was a good one.

I can't make sense of it for a very good reason. Because it makes literally no sense.

And pushing him to explain will only do harm - because it would involve him lying and making up problems. And that would open him up to having to explain why these made up problems couldn't be talked through and worked through. He can't give me specifics for the simple reason that there are none - and he has pretty much admitted as much.

Trying to understand is like trying to put an octopus in a string bag 2 sizes too small. It's not going to happen.

And it's spookily the same for you.

What it comes down to for me is that he saw shiny, new girl and let his dick do the thinking. It's honestly the only thing that makes any sense to me. Everything else is total bullshit.

It’s so scary and bizarre how similar they sound @brainache78 - Twat said the same to me about being the only person who understood him and he also struggled to open up and communicate.

Just like you, I can’t understand how your or my ex can only say good things about the relationship, we really have been put in a dark black box in their life.

I think the only way we can both look at is the penis + grass is greener won .. however the grass is only greener on the other side because it’s fertilised with bullshit.

I think we would actually have more success trying to fit the octopus in the bag!!

Good luck on your date, I also have one this week. Don’t know how I feel about it really but I need to at least try and see how it feels.

We can’t move forwards if we keep looking backwards.

Is it sad that I’m already excited for all of us to look back on this thread in 1/2/3 years and be like HA and we thought we’d never get over them.

Haha! @missbee90!

That is all a bit intense and that guy is clearly a nutter, but it's good to know you still have 'it'! Nice little ego boost there!

Also - you are so young! I have been round the block a bit now and was so sure I had finally hit the jackpot and found my man. Whoops.

I'm now 40 with 2 children who ruined my body (which was never much to write home about even before that). I've had years of my life taken from me (it now feels) and I didn't have that many years to waste!

I was divorced when I was 30 and have done a whole lot of living since then. You have it all ahead of you and will find someone better. You really are young, free and single. I wish I could ever be that again! Enjoy it. Get chatted up, kiss a few ill-advised frogs and have some fun. Don't waste the best years of your life being broken by this fuckwit who didn't appreciate the prize he had.

Just be prepared for him to go all green-eyed monster if/when he finds out you're seeing someone new. He will be jealous and it will hurt him - and he deserves that. Living well is the best revenge and all that...

What it comes down to for me is that he saw shiny, new girl and let his dick do the thinking. It's honestly the only thing that makes any sense to me. Everything else is total bullshit.

And yet no matter whether you had literally everything in common, his unhealthy choice, his 'penis picker', has shown you that at heart, he's shallow. 🙄

Did anyone get any lines about the ow like 'I can talk to her better's 'she understands me'? That really annoyed me.

LOL at penis + grass is greener won

I could be writing the emotions in these posts myself

I actually feel ridiculous putting 'ow' as she's a girl, when they met she lived with parents and has posters on her wall.

yeah @Sausage101 - I got that too - she understands me better. Eh? You met her a week before our holiday and 2 weeks before you fucked off. You met her once at a party and then sent her whatsapp and text messages. Fuckwit.
And a couple of days after he left me she told him to do one.

And yet no matter whether you had literally everything in common, his unhealthy choice, his 'penis picker', has shown you that at heart, he's shallow.
This is so true. That's what I think about fuckface now. Everything was great and he loved me SOOOOO much etcetc and blahblah and he fucks off (twice) because his penis had seen someone prettier (and younger). I forgave him the first time but not this time.
And fuckface sits there and says "I don't find you attractive" - well you did, like yesterday when you were saying "you're so gorgeous" and shagging me.
Just so shallow - pathetic. And that cancels everything else out in my opinion because there are always going to be younger, slimmer, prettier people around - no matter how gorgeous his girlfriend is, there will always be someone better.
I can't be living with the worry that fuckface is going to go off the minute I say something he doesn't like and find himself some shiny new girlfriend.

And all this coming from someone who takes little care of his own appearance. ie. lets his hair gets long and shaggy, doesn't shower enough (without being reminded), doesn't change his clothes enough (without being reminded) and sits in bed wearing faded red pyjamas (now pink) which were hand me downs from his brother when he was about 16. (They are definitely kids' pyjamas).
And his increasing beer belly was my fault (he told me towards the end of the relationship) due to my cooking (and not due to the endless pints of beer he was swilling with his workmates).

Maybe understands me better means doesn't know me well enough to see past my bs. Lol

@carrotflinger My, your ex sounds 'Dreamy'! You got his number because I cannot wait to run my hands through his greasy hair! 😂.

@BackInTheRoom - I have several numbers for him as he has contacted me using various different numbers after I blocked him.
Yeah - as a child his mother wouldn't wash his clothes and sent him to school dirty. When he was older she would scream at him if he put too many clothes in to be washed so he would wear things for days on end. She wouldn't let him use the washing machine either.
When he moved in with me I managed to deal with these problems but it was a struggle - never managed to get rid of the pink pyjamas though. He was quite presentable most of the time but he wasn't really able to achieve this without my help.

I don't know why I put up with it so long - but he did appear to have a lot in common with me and we did have some great holidays and dates etc. I think, though, that he was "mirroring" and making me believe we had so much in common. He needed constant support and was hoovering this out of me. Whenever I said anything which he didn't like he'd blow a gasket and threaten me with all the other "gorgeous women" he could have. The rest of the time he would do just enough to make me think he really loved me.
I think he has deep psychological problems caused by his upbringing.

I am glad he has gone now and that I am staying strong and not contacting him. BUT I still feel terrible and miss him from time to time.

What an image carrot! All I can see is a man in little kids pyjamas lol. Sums them up!