Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

This thread is why MN has changed my life. No one IRL understands and MN allows me to get advice from truly wise, brave people. Thanks all. Hoping 2019 is better for all of us.

I’m having recurring dreams about my ex as I’ve had no closure, has anybody been the one to file for divorce first?

@Brainache78 - Exhausting is exactly the word for it. I can relate so much, some days I’m ok, other days I just can’t get my head around any of it. I can only hope with time that we just stop feeling so hurt and angry as the emotions feel less Raw. I hate that he gets to carry on with his life and literally just replaced the women in it, I’m here sorting everything out and trying to rebuild mine, it’s draining.

@Nikjayne - Yes I did, he said he wasn’t in any rush to get divorced.. probably wanted to keep the door ajar but I knew I couldn’t move on if I did that. I filed in September and have been told it should be complete by May and that’s a straight forward divorce.

@Nikjayne

I’m having recurring dreams about my ex as I’ve had no closure...

Yes, that's common but the dreams eventually happen less.

In the end, you create your own 'closure' narrative which unfolds over time, as you remember the past and the red flags you overlooked and then witness their behaviour in the coming months.

has anybody been the one to file for divorce first?

Yes.

He just turned up to collect a child
Had visitation with the baby first here
He was looking amazing
It’s very difficult

I feel like I’m getting worse by the days instead of better, just don’t understand how I can go from apparantley being “his world” to not existing!!

Yeah the dreams are a pain in the arse as you wake up feeling weird.

@Startoftheyear2019 - I’m glad you’ve found some comfort in the thread, here’s to 2019

@Lolorolomolo - It’s funny how they look more attractive when they don’t want us, I think it’s the heart playing tricks. It’s so difficult but you’ve got this and can be strong

@Nikjayne It really is like riding the worlds longest rollercoaster, up and down, round and round. You need to try and forget the closure. Same as you my husband was confessing his love for me the morning before leaving me.. his words constantly screamed how much he loved me but in reality his actions didn’t, he walked out, he left. Why would we want someone who can do that so easily?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ..

They lost someone who loved them with everything & we lost someone who didn’t even love us enough to talk about their feelings .. in time we will see that we are the real winners, they’re losers.

@Nikjayne

'I feel like I’m getting worse by the days instead of better...

Makes perfect sense. You're in shock trying to work out what happened which is perfectly normal.

.....just don’t understand how I can go from apparantley being “his world” to not existing!!'

I know right?! Because normal people don't act like this.

@backintheroom - Love your posts, always the truth. No they’re not normal and they’re not adults. It’s as simple as that x

Why thank you @missbee90 😊.
I'm just living the dream like you guys! 🙄/😂 👍

In the conversation when he turned up with the Christmas present and I lost the plot, I was yelling at him for replacing me and he said 'no one has been replaced. I couldn't replace you.'

'You fucking have! I was your girlfriend and now she is. I shared your bed and now she does! It's a direct replacement'

'Well...yes...I suppose your role has been replaced, but not you.'

'My ROLE?!' Fucking hell.

Then he said something about me not fighting hard enough and I said something bitter like 'well. A least you have someone better now to fight for you.'

And he said

'No. I won't have that. I won't have you saying that. There is no 'better' there is just 'different'

'Right...but different is better, isn't it? Obviously? Because you have chosen different. I was literally standing there, before you, offering you all that I have to give and you chose someone different, so frankly she had better be fucking better or what have you done this for?!'

Sorry. That was sweary. As I mentioned, i didn't keep my cool during that conversation. At all.

All of these things that keep spinning around and torturing me...

I hate him today. I haven't felt this angry for weeks.

@Nikjayne
I think you are in a similar place to me - I haven't yet accepted that I'll never understand. I don't think you are there yet, either.

We will. Though. We will one day get to the point where we don't care about the 'why'. We will just accept that they are faulty, defective men and that was what went wrong. Not us.

@brainache78 Turned up with a Christmas present? Smack of 'Image Management' to me. He doesn't like not being liked!

@brainache78
I can’t believe he said those things. How incredibly insensitive

This is what I mean by being able to compartmentalise it all so easily.

I’m not sure I wouldn’t have punched him in the face.

And yes he’s desperate not to be through bad guy. Fucking areshole.

OP this wanker is torturing you. Fuck him. Tell him you’re glad he’s fucked off becuase you are better than him, and all his deceitful, self-obsessed bullshit.

At the moment by allowing contact with him you are giving him a security / comfort blanket. Take this way from him please. You're actually helping him to transition away from you more easily. He's a massive wanker telling you that you didn't fight for him. Who on earth does he think he is? It's ego talking here, you haven't been replaced. You are a special and individual person and no one can ever replace you, remember who you are. Please block contact with him and stop building up this egotistical twat. You're never going to take him back so why are you wasting your time you're only hurting yourself. He will only feel the impact of his decisions when you're truly gone. One day you will feel thankful that he left, I promise you.

@glitterysparklesandthings

I am no-contact with him. I haven't been in touch with him at all for weeks - if you read back you'll see I was doing really well.

But he rang the door bell and I opened the door. That's when this conversation happened - it's all documented here!

I haven't spoken or had any contact with him since then - apart from his stupid message on Christmas Day which was also ignored.

Trust me - I'm not feeding the ego and I doubt he'd have he nerve to show up again after I gave him both barrels last time.

Please don't suggest I'm making this worse for myself. I have been working so hard at picking myself up and moving on. I even have a date on Tuesday.

I don’t think she meant it like that. They always do things like turn up at your door or work. I had that over and over, including the Xmas present with a card that said “love from dickhead” and quite frankly it’s cruel and it’s all about them. Which is what all of this is about. good for you giving him both barrels!
And great news about the date!!!

@sausage 'asked harder' was bad phrasing but our entire relationship I'd felt insecure so while he did end up promising all the things I needed to return, it only came after weeks of anger and nastiness and shortly before I found out he was already OLD.He says his anger and the moving on were just coping strategies and I've no right to expect anything else and he's right but relationships aren't all about logic and rights. I needed a faster and 'harder' plea to return to make me feel secure but it didn't really come so I guess it was the right thing to split. I'd probably go back now if he tried again but he won't so I just need to live with my decision.

@LongLegHair
I get what you mean. I think you're situation is different in that you were both hurting and both trying to find a way through - and both felt rejected. So he was trying to move on, but that felt hurtful to you. I get it. You were both trying to act how you thought you should and, maybe, neither of you communicated it properly.

What will be will be and it will all come out in the wash.

It is different to drop a massive bombshell, move on and then expect your jilted and shocked partner to grovel for you. That is not at all what you meant.

@glitterysparklesandthings - I'm sorry! I read back what you wrote and it was a very supportive and helpful message. My tortured brain just took it the wrong way. Thank you for posting and saying such lovely and true things

I don’t understand how they get away with it, why is no one saying “err mate, this is really out of order”

Sorry if I came across wrong, I was so angry when I read your thread that this dick was carrying on like a tosser! Unfortunately I've seen it and heard it before myself as have many others I'm sure. He may well continue to show up and it will make it even harder for you to move forward. Good luck with your date, I'm very happy for you 💐

The one thing I cannot quite wrap my head around is wanting closure by whatever the guy who left you could say. The fuck I would want to take the asshole‘s narrative to get my closure. Whenever the guy wanted to ‚discuss it‘ I rejected and said there is no point. And there was no point. Actions speak louder than words and that‘s that.