Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

You friends who want you to be moving on obviously don't understand the way we do on here.

You don'u just shake it off and love on. It's bereavement. The wouldn't expect it if your husband/boyfriend died - and the emotions are not dissimilar. You have had a shock and lost someone you loved.

He is gone to you now.

And although I understand the torturing yourself thing, do try not to. It's not worth your heartache. Plus, it's one photo. They could have cuddles up and smiled for the camera and then gone on to have a massive argument. You just don't know - and your brain will only use it to make you feel bad with a whole lot of assumptions about their relationships none of which are probably accurate.

Just be gentle with yourself and take it a day at a time.

@Nikjayne
The frustrating thing for a lot of people on here, and perhaps the thing that is the hardest to deal with, is the other person has had a lot of time to think about the end and deal with it all in their head. They checked out a long time ago, so it’s not fresh to them.
Whereas you’ve just been blindsided and you’re still coming to terms with it.
Be kind to yourself, try not to toruture yourself, though I know that’s nigh on impossible

I can’t get my head round the fact that he was so loving and still contacting me as much while he was away, we were still being intimate the weekend before he left then after initially having contact the first night he left he has virtually cut me out, we have only had one conversation on the phone in 5 weeks

Ugh @nickijayne the girl my ex left for did that, she plastered pictures and posted hurtful things. It was horrible, I had to block them both to stop looking. It's torture to look, don't do it. I also messaged her but didn't hear anything back, I wish I hadn't but you know I was in a bit of mild shock

I don't know why they have to plaster it on there. Someone said to me it's to prove to themselves it was all worth it and they are perfect. Seems pretty shallow to me. You shouldn't have to prove anything if it's real.

Also brainache is right, it's one photo. It hurts but you don't know what they're thinking. Proven liars so a photo means nothing.

Argh I feel so sad today 😢 How can I still feel this sad 6 months down the line. I just can’t understand how someone can tuck me in, kiss me on my head, eat dinner with me, have sex with me the day before and then leave me and walk away from our marriage, our home, our dog and our life together so easily. The person I loved and married adored me and this person he is now just cares about him,him,him.

Honestly feel like I’m never going to love anyone like I loved him and now I’m doubting myself and what I did wrong and if it was my fault (despite him feeding me the usual crap about me being amazing and how he never deserved me).

Argh - just want this funk to fuck off

(Just to clarify I’ve not contacted him or spoken to him.. just feeling blue today)

6 months is not very long. Think back to 6 months ago, I am sure you are not where you were then.
It’s a slow process.
The hardest thing in all of this is how someone can say they love you one moment and then jusg fuck off and get on with life in the next.
But you deserve someone who loves you properly, not someone who could be so cruel and duplicitous or who finds lying so easy.

Same amount of time for me @missbee90 and I still have days like that. I feel like packing a bag and running off somewhere lol but I know it won't fix anything.

My ex said the same things, he always said he didn’t deserve me and didn’t think he had ever been in love till he met me, he always cheated but I’m starting to think that if he had his own insecurities of this OW offered herself to him it must have boosted his ego! He is still insisting it didn’t start till he left, it’s only been 5 weeks for me and I can’t sleep at night cause he must think that little of me to want no contact at all

@Travisandthemonkey - You’re very right, I just put so much pressure on myself to feel “normal”. I think it’s also quite difficult because i’m 28 and all my friends are getting married / having babies and I’m like shit I’m starting again. I know I deserve more and to be honest I think the lies spin deeper than what I know.. I just can’t understand how someone can love you one day and not the next. He told me daily that he loved me, just baffling.

@Sausage101 - I know exactly the feeling but as you said, it won’t solve anything but sometimes feels like the easiest option.

I just cannot make any sense of any of it and that’s what I struggle with, I’m a logical person who likes to know the what / the why / the how .. and I still have no idea why my husband left me apart from him telling me that he just “felt different” and was worried he was going to cheat on me as he was enjoying going out and talking to girls - the man I married hated going out - it’s like a personality transplant!! A week before fucking leaving me he was rubbing my food bloated belly saying this time next year I hope you’ve got my baby in there!!!!!!

@missbee90
As much as it hurts you do realise that what he did was basically fucking evil. To say that about a baby! I mean that’s fucking horrendous. The only thing to explain is that he is so hideously selfish he didn’t care that saying something like that would have such an impact.
I am seriously angry and raging on your behalf.
You can’t explain behaviour like that in your head because you know you would never do something so awful or callous, which makes it’s hard for you to comprehend I would think.

For the women who were left suddenly:

www.runawayhusbands.com/#

@missbee90 I had that too, planning family. Telling me here's to the next 50 years together. The only thing I can think of is that they are either amazing liars or just emotionally not very self aware when it comes to a new person flattering them. They usually go off with coworkers where you only see the best side of someone and it's all rainbows. I'm sure the same issues come up again with the new person though and they will repeat the cycle.

I also wonder if a lot of these men are conflict avoiders, they appear to be happy but don't bring up any issues or something. I always found it worrying that my ex would never argue, I know that seems weird but I think he must have held onto stuff which isn't healthy. I don't know, I still can't understand it myself really. It's a very surreal thing to go through.

'I also wonder if a lot of these men are conflict avoiders, they appear to be happy but don't bring up any issues or something.

Yes, this is the conclusion I came to.

I always found it worrying that my ex would never argue

Same.

I know that seems weird but I think he must have held onto stuff which isn't healthy.

Again yes I agree and in my research, I stumbled across the term 'Gunnysacking':

www.revolvy.com/page/Gunnysacking

@Travisandthemonkey - You hit the nail on the head, selfish is his middle name and he knows it. He’s always been selfish but this has taken it to the extreme. I’m angry too, he let me do our house up 6 weeks before leaving .. leaving the spare room blank for a nursery.. wrote in an anniversary card 6 days before leaving how I was the love of his life and he will show me everyday how much he loves me blah blah - honestly it’s absolutely fucked!

@Sausage101 - My ex is a major conflict avoider and a closed book, he never once mentioned he was unhappy, quite the opposite always made out me and the marriage were the only good things in his life! It’s crazy how we can feel like we didn’t know someone at all xx

It's possible it was good and he had no issues, I think some people don't understand that you can be attracted to other people in relationships and they cross boundaries with a crush or work friend bit by bit. Obviously they still have a choice through all of it. Or they bury issues and hold it all in. Ugh who knows really. All we can do is learn what we can from it and focus on ourselves. We can't know and maybe with some of them it's not even that complicated and they are just quite shallow.

Looking at that link now @backintheroom thanks! Think I've heard that term but haven't read up on it.

We all seem to have had similar issues, my ex seemed to fancy me all the time, even the weekend before he left he wanted me all the time! How can something change so quickly!! I feel like I must have done something wrong

Someone said to me they compartmentalise when they are seeing someone else. They can pick up and drop off when they're with different people. My ex was so cold and strange I thought he must be a sociopath but I think it's a defence thing. If they show any emotion they might not believe their own lies anymore lol.

Yes I think compartmentalising is a big part. I Really don’t know how people can be so dishonest with themselves

I don’t believe he cheated but I think he got VERY close which is why he left... part of me wishes he did so it gave me reason to hate him.He’s at a mutual friends 30th tonight with all “our” friends.. I’m home wondering if he’s taken his new girlfriend. Stuck a face mask on and taking a glass of Prosecco to the bath !

Me neither @travis I feel like it would eat away at me.

Sounds lovely :) @missbee90 that's what I'm gonna do on Sunday.

We have only been married 2 years and just after our wedding he agreed to try for a baby, he did say he wasn’t keen on having more kids, he had 2 from a previous relationship but he said he would leave it up to nature, when I though I was pregnant he wanted us to do a test together as he was excited, when it was positive he said he didn’t want it and forced me into a termination

@nickijayne do you have access to any counselling through work or gp? That man sounds abusive. I had to get some counselling at work just for the shock of it all.

I'm back around to the anger again now.

Every time I feel like it has passed it comes back and slaps me in the face again and leaves me wondering how the fuck he could do that and replace me so quickly. Just how?!

So I've fallen apart again: After weeks of feeling strong.

I can't imagine ever not being angry about it. I hate him for doing this to me. Absolutely fucking hate him.

@brainache78 The Grief Curve' apparently takes 2 years and you cycle in and out of the phases, Anger being one of them. Its exhausting tbh.