Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

@Nikjayne - He forced you terminate your baby? How long ago was this and how long ago did you break up? Forgive me for prying but do you think he perhaps knew he was going to leave when he encouraged the termination? I can’t understand why he else he would be comfortable with discussing a family and then changing his mind when you fell pregnant.

We can all relate to the feeling of abdonment, you’re not alone and make sure you also lean on friends and family for support.

I promise you can breathe without him, some days the feelings of sad will consume you but I can assure you that with time you will become stronger

It was just 3 months after our marriage but I don’t think so, he said he didn’t think it would happen as I was older!! Apparantley he left me cause I bagged him about going to the pub every night

Welcome @Nikjayne.
I've been reading and posting on your thread. It's nice you have come over here. There are a lot of us going through similar things to you at the moment.
Loving DH or DP suddenly does off out of the blue. Swears blind he wasn't cheating etcetc... and then blames their partner - partner was depressed or "nagged" about something.

Find your anger. He doesn't deserve you. What an absolute fuckwit forcing you to have an abortion after encouraging you to try for a baby.

I desperately want to message him as having no contact is unbearable

I desperately want to message him as having no contact is unbearable

You said the same on your own thread OP so this is something that is obviously ruminating with you and rightly so. Your brain, in order to keep you safe, will try to work out what went wrong and learn from mistakes, but in this situation, you're less likely to get the desired outcome/closure because it's more than likely you're dealing with a 'Conflict Avoider'.

Also, you may want to speak to him because you probably need him to be nice to you in order for the pain to go away because rejection is so painful. But the type of men who suddenly abandon usually cannot offer you comforting words because they have usually attached themselves to somebody else already and compartmentalised us and put us to one side. It really is torturous OP. I know because I'm living with it. My existence as a wife and mother has been erased. Our joint past, gone.

So many people have told you it's not you, it's him, but you'll probably poo-poo it because you think it is because of something you've done and this is because you just cannot wrap your head around what he did, and so quickly and how he's gone about things and because of the way he was, so loving! It is because normal people don't make you feel like this OP. You'd usually get a bit of kindness thrown in, they'd admit some of their own faults for you to work with, they'd take a bit of ownership and you'd feel less responsible for the demise of your marriage. But that's not happening here And maybe not right now because you're probably going through the 'Denial' stage of The Grief Curve' and you're looking for him to not make this true?

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

Hang in there. Keep posting on MN and reach out to people in RL and above all, please be kind to yourself and give yourself big hugs because this is not your fault ok? You did everything you could after your first marriage ended to heal, you tried.

@Nikjayne I get that you have a desperate urge but please fight it and don’t message you won’t feel better for doing it in the long run.

Back in the room
Great post
Explains why am going over and over what happened

Couldn’t agree more @backintheroom

So many times I’ve wrote a message out to my STBX but stopped myself sending it, the only way to heal is to have no contact. Nothing he can say can make me feel better, he will never give me a real answer as to how he walked away from a marriage so easy so it’s pointless.

I agree no contact is really the only way for you to heal.
By contacting him you want to hear something different from him. For him to either explain it all so it makes sense (it still won’t) or for him to still want you so your brain doesn’t have to deal with the pain of loss.

I've been reading through the thread and want to congratulate you all on the strength you have , even if it doesn't feel like it. My xh cheated on me - did the whole script and begged to come back which we tried for a bit.

However it didn't work out and I moved on with someone else. After nearly 4 years and living together, things were not working, I'd tried for a bit then gave up, he suddenly rallied but it was too late for me and I left. It wasn't out of the blue at all, he was surprised I hadn't left earlier but reading through this board I'm starting to feel really guilty as I have behaved the same as some of these men:

I have asked to stay friends (he's said no), I have told him I still love him(I do), I did agree to go back but then found out he'd been OLDing and couldn't handle it so I didn't but I know that I have no right to feel like that and feel like I've given him false hope and tried to blame him. I would go back if he'd tried harder to fight for me instead of getting so angry and nasty and trying to make me jealous. But he would have tried if I'd stayed so this is my own fault. Have a been as bad as all these pricks? There is no other man or potential man on my side and I don't initiate contact but always respond to his in a loving way.

I agree - I think the trying to understand is what is sending me under more often than anything. I have said so many times 'I will never understand this!' And, although that is true, I'm not sure I have actually made my peace with never knowing why the fuck this happened.

And - as someone else said (sorry - not sure who without looking!) there is no reason other than he is a coward and didn't want to do the work of communicating like an adult.

I got sick in the early days of hearing 'it hasn't worked for a long time' because it's just bollocks! And even if it was true, jumping to the end without talking is just pathetic behaviour - and that is without the -frankly unforgivable - step of moving on without giving the end of the relationship the consideration and thought it deserved (in my opinion). You don't just throw everything away and set up with someone else when things are hard. It's dickish behaviour.

Yes to it's not you, it's him. It is. This would appear to be a story as old as time - and the last chapter is usually that they discover they've totally fucked up and come back.

Our job, then, is to ensure that by the time the inevitable happens, we are utterly fabulously strong and don't even want to know. That's what I'm working towards.

Spousal Abandonment can cause Trauma and PTSD. The way they cut you off is a form of abuse, that you aren't important, you're worthless and the only way to get over these uncomfortable feelings, is by wanting them to like you, to speak to you? Which they can't do because they have usually moved on and don't care because they don't have empathy for you. They cannot put themselves in your shoes. Honestly, it's SO difficult to deal with it really is. A right mindf**k.

@LongLegHair. I think there is a difference between your situation and what these men have done - which was in the main, out of the blue and without any discussion or 'trying'. It is ok for relationships to not work out. It happens all the time. What matters is how that is dealt with and it sounds as though you and your partner tried and tried, but it didn't work. That doesn't put you in the same league as someone trotting off to a new relationship totally out of the blue without explanation.

I would caution you, however, to stop with the 'I love you and I always will' statements or being overly friendly. Be civil and polite and gentle with him, but please don't do anything that offers false hope. Because false hope is an absolute bastard and a lot of us are dealing with it popping up. If it is over and you are moving on then he needs to accept that to move on himself.

Don't beat yourself up, though. You are in a different league entirely from some of the total scumbags who have hurt the lovely, strong women on here!

I read somewhere that it's not that they run away because you make them unhappy, it's just that they run towards someone/something that eases their dis-ease?....

Nothing they can say will help as usually they aren't even honest with themselves or don't have the emotional intelligence/insight anyway. Hence hurting us in such a horrible way.

Agree Sausage. They just solve the problem without much thought involved. Urgh. 🙄

Thank you brainache It is different in that I haven't got anyone else waiting but he's right I didn't try enough but I do love him and in many ways regret leaving. I'm desperate to hear from him and if he had asked a bit harder and not moved on so fast I would have gone back (probably still would) but he is so proud he won't ask again and I just need to let him get on with his life now, anything else is unfair of me - I made the choice and need to stick to it.

I know it would never be right but it's so sad. It's really hard from all sides. It is difficult to leave someone you love because you don't work out together, love alone just isn't enough sometimes. I never anted to hurt him but I'm sure he'd put me in the same category as all your twats.

Yeah just use other people for a new fix but never do any work on themselves. Not saying everyone's like that but how can you ever work on yourself jumping from person to person and hurting people.

If he had asked a bit harder? Just curious, why would that have helped? Not having a go just genuinely curious? @longleghair

Never mind just saw your previous post.

'If he had asked a bit harder? Just curious, why would that have helped? Not having a go just genuinely curious? @longleghair'

Yeah I thought this too Sausage?

In the case of my ex, nothing he can say can help because he is manipulative. I've been there before with him and he knew exactly what to do and say to make sure I was kept hanging around.
I still haven't broken my non-contact rule and it is getting easier and easier every day. It will soon be 60 days and time for my 60 day treat and this time I am going to the thermal baths again but I am taking my friend with me who has been having a horrendous time with her husband (see upthread somewhere where I wrote about this).
It is getting easier and easier everyday.
I do miss him but I have realized he was useless as a boyfriend at home - the only good times were when we were on holiday or going on days out.

All he thought about was himself and what he could get out of the relationship and it went on and on until he had completely sucked me dry. And then because I told him to pull himself together - tough love so to speak - he upped and offed.
Oh and the whatsapp girl relationship thing really was nothing and apparently he is hanging around in his parents' house and drinking (that's the news this week - last week it was brother + drinking).

I know from the previous carry on with him that I craved contact to try to find out why on earth he had decided to do off having been so in love etcetc. Now I don't give a shit.

To any of you struggling not to contact your ex - I made a calendar (again I mentioned this above somewhere but there are new people on here now with the same problem) and marked on 30 and 60 days non-contact. I have marked off the days every day - at 30 and 60 days you get a treat.
The calendar is on my fridge door - at first it was so hard - I'd be fidgeting by lunchtime about contacting him. A couple of days ago I completely forgot to cross off the day because I hadn't even thought about contacting the fucker at all.

I so desperately want to message him to let him know even though he thought he had blocked everyone on social media I still managed to see the photo of them! I think I want some kind of kindness off him to what he has put me and my daughters through

@nikjayne it might just hurt more if you get in touch. He might not reply or might be cruel. I think the best thing is keep talking to us or write letters to him then rip them up.

It's horrible though, you just want answers or for them to be their old selves but I just don't think we'll get that as they haven't worked through why they have done it, they are too focussed on a new person. The only time they might reflect is when they lose someone they love or get cheated on.

I must like to torture myself because I can’t stop looking at the photo he put on social media of them both!! Plus when I was having a mad moment I sent the OW a message and she sent a nasty one back like she was the one that was being hurt, apparantley he must have been confiding in her for a while about how he was feeling but didn’t show any of them feelings to me! I’m having a really bad day, my friends think I should be moving on with my life but it’s not that easy!!