Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

@Sausage101
Done that plenty of times - sent a text and then sit around thinking, ah shit, no reply.
I don't just mean with my ex the last time he did off, but when you text some bloke and he doesn't write back.
Yeah it's shit.

Just as a note - its really off to moan that you didnt fight for him

where was he fighting for you, during all this 'long time' that he felt the relationship was over? Why wasnt he fighting to sort things out, to bring the problems to the table to see if the two of you could 'fight for it' together and solve all these unresolved problems which led him to act quite normally, have sex with you, and then dump you the next day?

Its bullshit, thats what it is. He is rewriting the script to suit the fact that his eye was turned, and he is trying to still play Mr Nice guy because he doesnt want to take responsibility for behaving like a cunt - he is trying to make out that its all amicable and friendly and you still really get on with each other.

Fuck that shit

Im glad the pigeons are coming home to roost. Im glad your friends are pulling him up on it, and Im glad that you are angry and shouted at him.

He deserves the rage and he deserves the anger and he does not deserve to walk away and kid himself that everything is hunky dory, and lay the blame at 'well if she cared she would have fought for me'

I just wanted to share this....

Approx 8 weeks ago while we were still together my ex purchased an item, I can't say what it was as its very outing (think taxidermy).

I know it wasn't a gift for me as it's not my thing, well this afternoon this purchase has appeared on the OW FB page as his gift to her! It's been specifically made for her (it didn't mean anything at the time but now it makes sense) so the lying cheating bastard was actually buying her Christmas presents before he even had balls to come clean to me about his affair

I don’t know what to say! Bloody hell what a cheek!!

Boxing Day. I've been at his place since last Friday, trying really hard, because Christmas.

But I just want to go home. Not coping.

@BayandBlonde What a fucking cheek. Taxidermy thing sounds vile anyway.

@Shambolical1 How soon can you go home?

@NettleTea - I agree, so easy for them to just put the blame somewhere else

@Bayandblonde - Wow, taxidermy sounds gross anyway but seriously how dare he.
I hope you’re feeling ok today, it’s a new day for us all! Who did he say it was for when he bought it!?

@Shambolical1 - Sorry to hear you’re not coping. When can you leave?

Im feeling ok today ladies, I’ve had a huge clear out and found so much of his crap plus loads of wedding stuff and 11 years worth of cards to eachother... binning most of it but keeping a few little wedding keepsakes from my closest friends and family that I’ll put in the loft, more for the sentiment of their words than the wedding sentiment. I don’t know what to do about all this crap of his, whether to just chuck it or whenever we have to communicate next I say it’s in the shed in black bags and he has until X date to collect or I’ll just chuck it x

I still have lots of stuff he left and all the anniversary stuff etc. I hid it all under the stairs and sofa 😳 sums up my life right now lol.

Hope you're all ok today. X

Haha @Sausage101 mine was hidden all over the place, out of site out of mind! I hope you’re ok and forgiven yourself for the text xx

Yeah had a weird dream about him last night. Does anyone else have crazy dreams about their ex?

Doing better today thanks @missbee90 I have gone easy on myself about the text. I just thought whatever, if that's the worst I've Donegal I think I'm ok lol. He did reply, and that will probably be the last I ever hear from him I think.

x

@Sausage101 - Glad to hear it, we’ve all been there! I can’t wait for him to be off the deeds on the house and the divorce finalised so I never have to even think about our next contact. My best friend is engaged to his close friend so I’m sure there will always be occasions we may cross paths but he’s distanced himself from the good friends and spending time with the wasters so hopefully won’t be many and there’s none that I know of coming up!

I have some weird old dreams, some where he’s super nice and some where he’s a total arse .. I prefer the bad ones! Xx

I dreamt last night that mine was coming home from work on his bike as normal with a big happy smile on his face (as he always used to when things were going well and he loved me he was acting).
He got off his bike said he loved me and then said he wasn't coming back but he needed the tinned food from the kitchen because his parents wouldn't buy him food and he was hungry - so I told him to fuck off.

I dream about him in some way or other every night.

@carrotflinger
The dreaming thing is horrible isn’t. Mostly because we cannot control it

Yes @Travisandthemonkey - the dreams are just so nice sometimes. It really hurts. I just cannot understand how he could go from being so loving right up until almost the end and then turn completely and be so utterly vile. I hate him now.

On another note, does anyone know if you can stop a standing order coming in. He has failed to cancel his standing order with which he paid his half of the bills. I do not want to have to contact him to tell him to do this - he is so pathetic with money. I worked out he has spent 22000 Euros on stuff since the beginning of 2017 - and by stuff, I do not mean bills and food.

Hi all.

I'm back. Been travelling most of the day and I'm knackered. I'll catch up with you all tomorrow. I hope you're all ok.

@Brainache78
I think I'm ok.... that sounds weird.
Went hiking today so that was great but brought back memories of time with fuckface and then it was too weird when I got home.
I have to keep strong and keep repeating to myself what an awful fuckwit he was at the end. He criticized everything about me.
I fluctuate from being totally ok to being quite upset.
BUT I am not breaking, I am not messaging him and with the passing of time things are getting better.

I should get out for a good hike somewhere. Need to get some exercise on this leg that had surgery. I'm like that carrot, up and down sometimes. Suppose it would be weirder if we were over it just like that.

Hope you had a nice holiday brainache.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Hi All,
Couldn’t agree more about the sometimes I’m upset and sometimes I’m ok. Today I’m ok, I feel a bit like a weight has been lifted now Christmas is out the way. Some days I just want my old life back and then I snap back to reality and realise that even if he did come back, I couldn’t forgive him so it’s over, old life isn’t coming back and today I’m ok with that x

@missbee90. I had that realisation today. I was driving and started thinking about what I would do if he came back now.

I would tell him the trust has gone. Not because he broke up with me - I think I could have worked through it on the grounds that he had a wobble and needed to do that to realise what we had.

But the replacing me so quickly is unforgivable and I could never trust him again. I wouldn't want to sleep with him knowing he's been with someone else - after he used to say so often that I would be the last person he'd ever sleep with and that we would get old together. There is no getting over that. He thought so little of our 'special' relationship that he found someone else within minutes. It's too hurtful.

Having a post-holiday blue day today. Feeling a bit crappy and lonely. I think the next week will be tough - Christmas will be over. All of the family get-togethers will be done, but I'll still have a week before going back to work and no one to spend the time with (apart from my DC, but they will be with their Dad for part of that time)

Just need to get over that hump.

@brainache78

Exactly the same here, I probably could have forgiven him wanting some space but the fact he moved on 8 weeks after leaving, still has never completely explained why he felt he needed to leave apart from saying he “has issues” and how I deserve better.. I couldn’t trust a word that he says and I’d live in fear that he would forever do it to me again.

I went away about 3 months after we split for a week and had the same post holiday blues so I understand that and it’s normal. Day by day, hour by hour, we can and we will get through this and come out better for it, may not feel like it but as I’ve said before all we lost was someone who didn’t care enough or wasn’t adult enough to have a grown up conversation about how they felt ... they lost someone who would’ve moved heaven and earth to make them smile, quite frankly I think we deserve someone who would offer us as much as we offered them and sadly the people our partners turned in to are not that xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?pg=1&order=

This is an old thread but just saw it on here, thought it was a very eye opening read so would post for us all xx

Hi, I have posted my own thread so apologies if I have repeated myself to anyone! But someone recommended I join this, I have had a similar experience, I have only been married 2 years but my husband worked in London Monday- Friday, he was besotted with me and my friends and family said that he adored me! He fell in love with me very quickly but I was always insecure after my first marriage ended disastrously, he was a constant cheater so I was on my own for 8 years till I trusted again!! My second husband always said he could cope with my low self esteem and a lot of people said he was “punching above his weight!” He went to the pub every single night when he was away during the week and I did twist about it so blame myself, then out of the blue he txt me and said he didn’t have the same feelings for me, he travelled home from London to tell me he was leaving and it was over, he spoke to me for the first night then cut contact and told me to leave him alone!! He started seeing a woman he works with and swears it was after we split but I don’t know as he always hated cheating!! It is destroying me that he has cut me out his life like I don’t exist

Hi @Nikjayne,

So sorry you’re going through this too, if you can take any comfort at all from this then it’s knowing you’re not alone, it’s shocking how many people this happens too and how husbands / long term partners can just walk away without a second thought.

Use this forum to post away and lean on everyone for support. It’s been 6 months since my STBX left and slowly day by day I’m getting stronger. It’s not easy but we can and will get through this xx

Hi @Nikjayne
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is amazing how they rewrite history, isn't it?
If there is one thing you can get from this thread is that lots of men do this and it is not to do with you or anything you've done. It is their own inability to take responsibility and communicate.

I know you must be hurting - as many of us are on here - so keep talking. I find I feel a lot less lonely when I'm having a bad day if I can send an SOS into the Mumsnet ether and get some support. We may not know one another, but we each recognise the same pattern of events in each other's stories, so we get it.

Please stay and tell us what's been happening

As I said I was insecure from an awful first marriage but thought I had givenmyself time to heal before meeting someone else, just after we were married he agreed to try for a baby, he said he wasn’t that keen but would leave it up too nature, when I thought I was pregnant he was so excited then as soon as the test was positive he forced me into a termination, I tried to get over it but probably always held a grudge, but he kept telling me I was his best friend and soulmate and he had never had sex with anyone like me! He now won’t speak to me and I am struggling with the fact that any of his feelings were real as he has moved on so quickly like I don’t exist, I can’t breathe without him