Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Oh and by the way - my ex also said "there was no overlap"..... they don't count meeting someone at a party or whatever and then whatsapping as overlap. They only count having sex as overlap

Totally agree with this. My ex husband of 16yrs married said he hadn't been unfaithful as they hadn't had sex till we split. As l pointed out to him and the OW that lying to your whereabouts and meeting up IS being unfaithful.....they wouldn't have it. Until l also pointed out that legally (at that point) we were still married so now they admit they'd had sex, he had now committed adultery. That soon shut Mr Perfect up.

Stay strong OP. We were together for 20 years, 2 kids, joint mortgage etc.... l never begged him to return or cried in front of him and l certainly would never ever take him back.

I'm better than that and so are you.

WE lost someone who didn’t love or care enough.. THEY lost someone who would’ve moved the world for them .. who’s the real winner here..?

That is so true!!

Even though I was desperately unhappy in my marriage, l never ever would have given up on him. Wonder if he can say that about the OW..

Reading all this gives me such a rage and reminds if my own very similar experience.

"You didn't fight for me"? Excuse me? Why on earth would any woman fight for a man that wants to leave her? Are these men out of their fucking mind? I am leaving you hun but fight for me! And maybe i will come back. Only if course i would never come back FOR THAT reason but you fighting for me will make you keep investing yourself in me and at the same time will confirm what a fucking catch i am that you just cannot bear to let me go.

Grrrr!

All I can say OP - that's a script. Again. And please don't worry and don't feel upset that you wish you'd acted differently when he turned up with the present. We don't know how to act until we've lived through the shit with such men. You don't learn it from books. Only from experience. So just write it off as a learning curve. It honestly doesn't matter.

The only thing you should be concerning yourself with is taking care of yourself which, I was very glad to read here, you have been doing.

And - might be an idea to stop being civil with him. It will feel liberating. And if you are worried that if you stop being nice and polite and "mature and grown up" then he won't ever come back - don't worry about it. If they do come back it's never because were nice after the break up. If anything, it's the opposite.

That's how fucked up and counter-intuitive this all is after a break up.

Sending you love and strength

OP, please read Baggage Reclaim. Binge-read. That was the first thing that set my brains straight at the time of the terrible confusion.

Might not be on much but just to say have a good Christmas/holiday everyone. Hope there's no more Christmas surprises 😒 😊

He is upset through guilt, that was a quick not so called overlap!!
Just remember, a relationship started with the other person, or any person , on lies and betrayal , will not last, the other person involved in the betrayal, will always wonder WHEN, is he going to the same to me, no trust means, no relationship.
While you waste your time crying, you could be out the finding someone else, upset , crying is a wasted emotion, you did nothing wrong, he just thought he could do it, so easily HE DID, so not worth your upset, you so deserve better, believe me, when HE sees you have moved on, not upset, it will raise doubt in his head, if you ever thought that much of him, to move on so quickly, even though your hurting inside, dont give him your time. Best wishes for 2019.

I feel absolutely sick today. Facing the Christmas period pretty much on my own. Friends all busy with their own families.
I've been invited to Christmas dinner so at least I have that to look forward to.
How is everyone else doing?
Brainache's on holiday! That's great.

I am!
It's brilliant. I have my own little apartment.

I am looking forward to a lie-in in the morning followed by coffee on the balcony. Then I'm planning to stroll down to the beach and potter around the market. Think I might treat myself to a new necklace (I had a meaningful one that ex gave me, which I never took off - and now it's gone, so I miss having something around my neck! I want one that symbolises my new found freedom and selfishness!)

I am sorry @Trudeau25 and @carrotflinger that you are finding things hard. It is still raw and there are still good days and bad ones. We are going to be wobbly for a while, but we will all get there. Christmas is just one big trigger, though, isn't it? Keep posting - and know that someone is sitting on a sunny island toasting you and your strength and wishing you well. You have all been so good to me and I want to be here for you too.

Well done! You sound amazing. He is not emotionally mature enough to realise that you cannot go back and tell someone you love them or give them presents at Christmas.

Much like you, I was with my dp of many years I knew it was over, and we stayed in contact, but I was very careful not to use emotive language around him for fear of giving hope, I would never say I missed him, even if I did, never say I was lonely, even if I was. Because I knew he might take it that I wanted to still be with him.

It’s just immature and basically blackmail. If you care about someone you want them to move on and be happy, especially if you didn’t want to be with them in the end.

Travis - exactly, if you are decent person you are careful around the other person so as not to give them hope.
What my ex and others on here have been doing is deliberately stringing people along with their nonsense.
And I think if you realize you don't want to be in a relationship with someone any more it is your right to say so but you should deal with it properly (and not attempt to fuck off without saying anything....)

Yes, @carrotflinger.

It is neither acceptable to fuck off without saying anything, or to hang around stringing someone along. There is a happy medium somewhere.

My ex says he can't imagine his life without me in it as we were friends for 10 years before we got together - and I feel a bit like that too.

Unfortunately, he didn't value our friendship enough to not break my heart into pieces - or to actually try to work through whatever his problem was.

So he doesn't get to keep me.

No you’re right, he doesn’t get to keep the friendship when he’s fucked you over.
Jesus why do people think that if you totally destroy something you can’t just pick the bits you like out of the ashes and carry on.

It’s so fucking selfish I can hardly believe it.

Anyway! I hope you can have an ok Christmas and think of 2019 as a fresh start.

Mine wanted to stay friends so we could continue to "play music together". ie. so I could accompany him free of charge so he could make himself look good.
Cheeky fucker.

I am glad the fucker is gone now - he ruined every Christmas for the last 5 years with some drama or other.
It's just weird being alone but I am making the best of it. Going to make a massive chocolate cake now.

Here’s to chocolate cake and being areshole free!!

I hope you’re all having a lovely Christmas Eve, I’m home prepping for tomorrow. Both his mum and sister have messaged wishing me a nice Christmas and sending their love... I seriously hope he doesn’t dare have the front to message me tomorrow! X

I’m a 21 y.o girl, I’m in a relationship with a 23 y.o boy! I have really deep feelings for him! He wants to left the country(iran) for education!
What do you think? Should I leave him? Or be with him and hope he ask me to go with him?
(we are together for 4 month)
(My english isn’t good, sorry)

Hi all.
Suddenly feeling rubbish and don't know why. I had a really lovely day, but it's all feeling very real again now - that I'm not going to the pub for Christmas Eve and that he'll be there with our friends. And then I won't be waking up with him on Christmas morning.

I just feel so sad. I know I'm being pathetic. This is exactly why I came away!

Brainache78 - I'm feeling exactly the same right now. It's hideous.

Also someone phoned this afternoon from a new number but I didn't pick up. I assume it was him.
And just 5 minutes ago I've had a text from him from yet another number (where is he getting all these numbers from????)

"I wish you a very happy Christmas. Enjoy a couple of great festive days"
(I've translated it from his language which is why it sounds clunky).
The main Christmas celebration is on Christmas Eve here. He should be with his parents and siblings right now.

I feel suddenly absolutely awful - massive heart clunk.
I thought he couldn't get to me any more.

I am NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT replying.

It's horrible isn't it Brainache - not waking up with him on Christmas morning (though in my case last year was the same as he did off just before Christmas).

I've had tears this afternoon. The cats have had a nice Christmas though!

Hi ladies. Makes me feel better knowing it's not just me. Feel so sorry for myself. Miss him like crazy. Spent all day moping and being very tearful.
I've been feeling better this week too. Xmas is the worst time ever if you're feeling down. 😢

Why is he there with your friends and you’re not. Fuck him

Feeling similar to you all ladies but my mum and sister are staying over at my house and we’ve stuck on Christmas pyjamas, baking cakes and got a festive film on.

Tomorrow will be the first Christmas in 11 years .. since I was 17 without waking up and spending the day with him.. Boxing Day I used to spend with his family so I think I’ll feel pretty sad over the new few days.

We’ve just got to get these “firsts” out the way. One of my New Years resolutions is going to be strict no contact unless it’s house or divorce related, I’m not entertaining any of his pathetic “I am sorry, my life is a mess” drivel anymore xx

I need to join this thread
In the same boat and he is being such an arse
I hate the OW

Sending love x

@Lolorolomolo

Sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation. Hope you’re doing ok and staying strong!