Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Yeah suppose it would be harder to hear from him. I suppose I just thought there would be some final goodbye? Instead he just disappeared.

Thank you :) yeah I'm going to my Mums and will see a few old friends. I'll try and get out to the beach and stuff like that. What about you?

Sausage - mine nearly did a flit too. I expect I would never have heard from him either if his stunt had come off. He thought I had a music lesson in the city and therefore would have left home earlier - instead I just had a rehearsal which started 2 hours later. I'd have come back at midnight, all his stuff would have been gone and I'd never have heard another thing.
Instead I caught him out and then he started all this emotional nonsense (and his whatsapp woman gave him the brush off)
It's really hideous how we have been treated.
Pathetic actually - how long were you with yours? I can't recall it as so many people have been on here with their similar stories?
I was with him for 5 years - I can't believe someone can behave with so little respect after 5 years. I wasn't a ONS or a short fling.

I'm in another country and I can't get away because I have work obligations over Christmas. But the time I have off I am going to spend with my cats and I am going to give them a nice Christmas. I've bought myself some treats and some new pyjamas and they are going under the tree. I'm also making a box with bits of paper on and each bit of paper has an activity on so that if I find myself clocking with nothing to do and therefore thinking about shitbag too much, I'll take a piece of paper out of the box and do whatever it is.

@Carrotflinger such a cowardly way to leave and says more about him than you.

We were together for 6 years. Yeah exactly, I feel like he's left me like it was a teenage relationship at school. Well he did go off with a 19 year old (he's 38).

That sounds really nice :) that's a good idea about the activities. Might pinch that idea!

Yeah the coward had obviously arranged his flit with two of his mates and his parents (as he moved back in with them) before our holiday and then spent the week happy as larry, lovey dovey and having sex with me, all the time knowing that he was leaving two days after we came back.

So pathetic and predictable going off with a 19 year old. When she gets bored or he gets bored with her he'll be trying to worm his way back to you.

Hi everyone. This site is a lifeline at the minute. I can see how much it's helping others too.

During another of his depressive bouts, he randomly texted me at 3:30am, one night, ending it with me and blocked me. Eventually, he unblocked me, but refused to see me when I said I needed closure. Instead I got: "I know it's over, so there's your closure!" Then he fucked off to Las Vegas with his mates. Alcohol + gambling = recipe for disaster for a depressive ex gambling addict.

Whilst he was away, I discovered I'd had a miscarriage. This was an unplanned pregnancy but I was in a terrible state, with no support. I felt incredibly embarrassed, to be in such a dilemma at my age. I also felt overwhelming guilt and grief. I chose not to tell him until the last day of his holiday. He told me "I'm devastated for YOUR pain!"

He finally came to see me, when he got back from his holiday. It wasn't the closure I needed. It was awful. It was like a stranger. He was clearly still ill. Swede barely spoken since then. He's never asked me how I am, despite knowing that I've been signed off work and have lost both him and our baby.

I'm sure they're programmed with the same lines:
"You deserve better"
"It's not you, it's me"
"Can we still be friends?"

He didn't say one nice thing about me or our time together. I'm left feeling worthless and like I've wasted 2 years. He's right though.... I fucking well do deserve better! We all do ladies.

Hi Kiki,
yes it's a lifeline for me too. I am strong most of the time now but sometimes I start feeling wobbly and feel terrible. Then I check in here for the support and to see how others are doing.

That must have been really hard for you having to deal with a miscarriage alone.

There are so many shit men around. My friend is 45 now and was with this bloke for 10 years from 30 to 40. They agreed to try for a baby.... so they tried and tried and she never got pregnant. He convinced her that she must be infertile. They discussed getting tests done etc.
Just as they were about to book the tests he did off, announcing that he'd had a vasectomy just before they'd got together so that was why there had never been a baby.
He merrily took off, had a new girlfriend pretty soon and lives in the same small town so she has to see them often.
She hasn't found another partner and she says it is too late for her to find someone and have a child. She really wanted a family and this fuckwit robbed her of that chance.

Just as they were about to book the tests he did off, announcing that he'd had a vasectomy just before they'd got together so that was why there had never been a baby.

Wow.

What a selfish arsehole. Bloody hell.

Yeah. Totally appalling behaviour.
I've only got to know my friend since this happened so I have no idea what she was like before but she really struggles with her mental health.
We went out a few months ago on the town - having a great time - suddenly this arsehole turns up, girlfriend in tow and starts chatting away to my friend as if everything is fine. He swans off and we are left dealing with her distress. Every time she sees the fucker it brings back all her feelings of wanting a child and him effectively denying her the chance.

Is anyone else struggling with the idea of whether they would ever be able to find/trust a new partner? I'm 42 so it's not easy at my age.
There is a possible - a man who expressed interest at the beginning of this year while I was still with fuckwit. We see each other socially about once a month. I do really like him but I am worried that my head is messed up and I don't want to mess with his head.

@carrotflinger - Yep totally get your point about someone else, I’m 28 so everyone says I have time on my side which I appreciate BUT I invested 11 years in to this person and it’s so hard to imagine anyone else as the father of my children, I just can’t see it and can’t ever imagine seeing it.
Similar to you, I’ve casually seen someone recently, he’s lovely (too nice.. how ridiculous does that sound!) but I just can’t force myself to do something I’m not ready to do and commit to dating someone properly if that makes sense, I kinda feel like I’m never going to be ready, it’s so hard. I loved this guy so much and still do but deep down I know the guy I loved is gone and has been replaced by someone I don’t know and even if the old person did come back I know I couldn’t forgive him, it would kill me but deep down I know I couldn’t get past him doing this to me x

Yeah worried about trusting again. Not sure I could go through vthis again.

Well that was a massive disaster.
I have been doing so well...

So he turned up at my house with a Christmas present and I went a bit mad.

Several weeks of pent up stuff cane flooding out. I was crying and telling him I'm absolutely raging at him replacing me so soon without a second thought. It was pure, raw emotion.

And he just kept saying 'I understand why you feel like that.'

Then he said he loves me and always will and that will never change. Then he repeated that things hadn't been working for 'a long time' and I yelled at him saying that he never gave me any indication. That it all feels like a massive lie and I'm disappointed and shocked at his behaviour. I told him that our friends are all shocked at him too. That he's not the man we thought he was. He never gave me a chance to fix anything - he just threw everything away without a backward glance after we've been through so much together. He cheapened our relationship by throwing it away.

He said I never fought or argued - that I packed up and moved out without fighting for it. And I know I did - but I was hurt and in shock and trying to maintain some self-respect and dignity. And how can I defend myself when I don't know what the charges are? 'It wasn't working' wasn't my perspective. I thought everything was good.

How can I argue when I don't see what he sees. I cried and cried and told him I don't understand, I'll never understand. He says he loves me, he fancies me, I am the person he loves most in the world (apart from his son) - so what more does he want? What did I do wrong?

And eventually I shut the door on him, went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

I feel like I've lost all dignity. All strength.

I hate myself.

And I know what it's like to leave someone you care for - I left my husband after we had been through a lot together - but the love had died and we hadn't had sex for over a year.

I loved him like a brother - and I missed him and I grieved for a while - so I know how it is when you look at a relationship and feel that it's not right and hasn't been for a long time. My ExH felt like I do now - like he thought we could sort it out with some effort, but I knew I was done.

So I have been where he is.

The difference is that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I didn't fancy him anymore and I resented a lot of things that he did in our marriage.

This dickhead reckons he misses the sex - because it was always amazing - and fancies me. And loves me how he always has. He says he looks back on our relationship and sees nothing wrong. Nothing he would change.

So how is that 'wrong for a long time'? Nothing has died between us.

He still swears that he didn't leave me for his new girlfriend. That she approached him in the week after we split up and asked him out.

I told him I don't care. That I feel cheated on regardless because how the fuck can he do that so soon? It's a betrayal. Technically, it's not wrong, but it makes me feel betrayed anyway. Because I couldn't sleep with someone else yet. I couldn't get emotionally invested in someone else because I still feel like I belong to him.

That he can move on so quick is insulting.

Again 'I understand why you feel like that. I would too if it was the other way round'

And

'When you meet someone else I will be jealous. It's natural to feel that way.'

And then

'I think it would be easier for you if I had left you for her, but that isn't what happened'

Help me. I'm falling apart here.

Ohh, why is he bringing you a bloody present after all that? It's more confusing.

I think it's crap saying you didn't 'fight or argue' for him. I bet if you had he would turn that around too. You can't win because it's not about you, it's just about them.

You haven't lost your dignity, you're just human. I regret some stuff. I messaged that girl on facebook, I've never used facebook and just joined up after he left to join voluntary groups and local charities. I thought I had deleted the messages before they got to her but didn't realise they had already gone. I asked her why and think I called her names. Not very dignified but I am human and was in shock and alone. We're not robots.

Don't feel bad he's making it harder with all his guilt easing talk. He should leave you alone.

Noooooooo. Not the „we two that will always be something special (- but yeah I have a new girlfriend)“ song and dance. Fuck that! If it were like that he would have dumped his new gf on the spot. He hasn‘t. So there... Just another guy enjoying the drama he created and feeling all important about it, dragging things out by „I will always fancy you, but alas...“ It is not like Aliens kidnapped him ffs.
Cut all contact, and demand he abide by it. And tell him you‘ll ask his new girlfriend to make him stop stalking you if he doesn‘t.
God, how many of these pathetic drama queens are out there?!?

He still swears that he didn't leave me for his new girlfriend. That she approached him in the week after we split up and asked him out.

'I think it would be easier for you if I had left you for her, but that isn't what happened'

Utter bollocks. I bet it was exactly like mine - they had met each other and started writing/flirting on whatsapp/per sms whatever. Then he decides the grass is greener and because "he's such a nice guy" he splits with you before starting up with her ie. he didn't cheat on you.

@Brainache78 - this is exactly the same story as when mine left the previous time. He also tried to turn it round on me and said that I hadn't fought for him and I had let him go and he was annoyed that I had not done more to keep him.
Errrr...... he announced one day out of the blue he was leaving, everything had seemed wonderful. That morning he had been telling me he loved me. THe night before we'd had sex and he'd gone on about how amazing it was. Long long story - he said a load of shit... anyway, the upshot was, I was given no chance to reply. He packed a bag and went off. (came back again when his imaginary whatsapp girlfriends turned out not to be his girlfriends after all).

The just want to fuck with your head - I think they actually like the idea that they can keep someone hanging around pining for them and therefore always have a plan B.
Tell him he is not to come round to yours ever again. End of.

You were doing really well until he showed up with a CHristmas present. Mine did that when he left the last time - rocks up all big blue eyes, weeping and wailing "where did it all go wrong?" Here's your present because I still love you so much.

If he shows up this year I'll shove the present where the sun doesn't shine. I'm hopeful though that he won't.

Brainache - it was just a little wobble. You are strong. You're going on holiday soon aren't you? That will be great. I'd love to just take off but I have work obligations and two kittens and an older cat who is very ill so none of them can be left with a catsitter.

By the way, if he shows up again, don't let him in. Look shifty at the door and say he can't come in because you have a VISITOR. Make the word visitor mysterious so he thinks it's a man.
I've practised doing this should idiot face turn up here on Christmas Eve.

@Brainache78 - You defintley have not lost your dignity or weak - you’re so strong.. him showing up with a present is bound to knock you for six! Do not let it doubt you or your strength. Honestly these “men” are outrageous, how they think they can just walk out of our lives out of the blue and then just pop back in when we’re doing ok and get in our head, it’s literally horrific.

Like I’ve said before I can relate fully, mine already has a new girlfriend too and says the same shite about “when you move on it’ll hurt too but I do want you to be happy” - bore off dickshite. At least when we do move on it’ll be with someone we’ve got to know slowly rather than just a quick rebound to heal the pain.

Please please please don’t let his actions make you doubt your strength! You have been doing so well xx

No really, OP you did nothing wrong, no worries. But he did, and it is really a cliche. You know, the guy I talked about, who visited me on that transatlantic trip, after having directly exchanged me for new gf 4 months prior, cause I was bound to relocate, so we had no future (had gotten gf a month before I left, and still wanted to do stuff - cause we only have those weeks left, blabla). So he visits me 4 months later, drones on about how difficult his relationship is, tries to persuade me to spend the night with him while he knew his gf was pregnant from him ..... now guess what else he did on that day: he gave me a Christmas present!
What can I say, welcome to the club?

Why are they bloody giving presents when they've left, they are the ones with no dignity! Trying to keep a door open with a bloody present?

He has no dignity, not you brainache

Yes, "The Christmas Present Club"...... mine did that when we weren't together and when we were he wouldn't buy me a Christmas present as such - said it was wasteful and "capitalist" and insisted that we pooled our money to buy something for the flat. Ok... yeah.. but it would have been nice to have had a small gift and then why when we've broken up bring a gift?

Oh and that time he turned up with the Christmas present he was wearing a brand new knitted woollen hat which he claimed some woman he was supposedly seeing had knitted for him.

How are you doing now @Brainache78?

I'm ok.
I'm at my Dad's. I'm staying here tonight and he is taking me to the airport in the morning.

He is making a big fuss, has made me an amazing dinner and has booked me fast track security and the VIP lounge for the morning.

Why can't I find a man as good as my lovely Papa?

So tomorrow is another day. Holiday is exciting.

That sounds amazing, I’m so glad you’ve got something to look forward to, I seriously hope he doesn’t contact you over Christmas. My dad has said if mine contacts me over Christmas he’s going to loose his sh*t 🤣

I’m hopeful that after Christmas and the new year we will all feel a little more positive xx

Aw your Dad sounds great.

Have a lovely flight and holiday :)

Sounds great OP, happy holidays y‘all!

@brainache78
Enjoy the time away.

Struggling a bit this weekend. First weekend I’ve had no real contact and I’m trying to stop wondering what he’s up to and who with. How do you stop these thoughts???