Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

And @Lobster84 - welcome 

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. You - like most of us here - are better off without this horrible man in your life. But we can all agree that it's just not that easy. Love is a difficult emotion and very difficult to rationalise - even when you know that the object of your love is not worth the effort.

Keep talking to us. @Sausage101, @carrotflinger, @Dowser, @deepwatersolo @Kikidelight @youaremyworstmistake @Trudeau2525 - have been so helpful to me and I'm so grateful. We can be here for you too.

@missbee90 - absolutely shocking.
What is wrong with these men?!

Grab a cuppa and talk to us some more

@brainache Thank you. How are you today? I’m so sorry to hear about your sister too, I don’t doubt you’re both supporting eachother through this!

I’ve woken up feeling sad today, just crazy how someone can just wipe you from their life so easily after 11 years, I can only hope with time that the pain does heal but I really thought by now I’d be feeling better than I currently do!

Hope you all have a good Thursday! X

I’m another one..loves me/ loves me not person.
I too have a February birthday got the loving ‘ dear wife’ birthday card and valentines card
A week later as we were getting ready to go to our home in Florida..I suggested the following year renewing our vows in Vegas...in front of Elvis.
I can still see the fat bastard now sprawled over the sofa, looking like I’d hit him around his meaty chops with a wet kipper...going Noooo...I’m thinking of leaving you!
Complete!
Utter!
Bastard!

So, we still went to Florida at the end of the week...but I can bet you can imagine what sort of a holiday that was...and the lies he had to tell his girlfriend as to why he was still going with me.
😡😡😡

However last night I told the taxi driver, as he brought me and second husband back from the airport from our third foreign holiday this year that he did me such a favour.

If I was still with him...he’d still be working as he was over two years younger than me.

Well actually I wouldn’t as he died four years ago...iykwim

I hope all of you lovely ladies cling on to the fact that it’s a shit thing to happen, and it feels like your heart will never stop aching......but it does and that old saying is so true
Time wounds all heels!

Oh Shambolical :( you're not alone. If you need someone you can message me. I heard all the same lines too. It's so surreal.

I find it laughable how they say other person understands them after a few weeks/days. Really? You mean they don't know you well enough to be bothered about anything and everything is peachy.

Oh, I have another one: a good friend of mine was married for 5 years (in the relationship 10 years). They loved travelling to exotic long distance places and always booked their packages about 9 month in advance. My friend asked DH to finalize what they had booked in the travel agency after work. He had forgotten the other day and the day before.
That day, she was already home, her telephone rang. It was him. He said he needed to break-up, leave her. 'Cause, he explained, he and his co-worker had 'been in love' for a year now, and when she heard that he was on his way booking a holiday with his wife 9 months down the road, she forced him to come to a decision. And his decision now was to leave the marriage.

Men are pathetic.

Ooh! Shiny and new, shiny and new!

A few months later...

Oh. Not shiny and new anymore...

I really loved who I was with before. They have moved on. Boo hoo!

Ridiculous.

I couldn't be happy being like that, everybody has faults, the shiny feeling fades. Easier to jump from person to person than reflect and do any work on yourself I suppose.

Sorry op, it will get better. And I hope when he comes crawling back that you no longer want him. Idiot.

Men are pathetic.

I will say that I have witnessed the reverse situation, too. e.g. a colleague: very, very engaged dad, family first always, they built a house adjacent to his inlaws, on their ground, she stayed home with kids, had an affair with an old friend, tried to quit it when DH finally found out and gave her another chance but she 'just couldn't quit the affair', DH moved into a tiny flat, her lover moved into the house, divorce, she got her new dad for the family with minimum disruption, and every other weekend she gets special 'lovebird' time with her new man, because the kids are with their dad then.

Not nice.

Yeah... shiny shiny.
Mine went off once before because I "didn't understand" him... and he'd been having a Whatsapp friendship with one of his, what my Dad calls, "imaginary girlfriends".
Whatsapp girlfriend came to nothing - then he wheedled his way back in. I missed you so much. I had chest pains. I realized what I had lost. I want you back. Blah blah.

A year later he does the same thing again. Bloody hell! I feel like a right idiot. But at least this time I have stopped all contact so there is no way he can wheedle his way back in.

I feel a bit crap today. Don't know why. My thoughts are revolving around him possibly having a wonderful Christmas with some woman and maybe even taking her to meet his family at Christmas Eve and them loving her and her being everything that is wonderful when they hated me.

His mother once told me to throw my mother's ashes in the bin where they belong and that my father would pop his clogs soon and then I'd have no one.
Who says stuff like that???
(Someone who shoved her own son's hand in an ironing press when he was 3 years old - and he still has the scars).
I put up with so much abuse that I started to believe I am a really bad person that no one likes. I've completely lost myself and am working on getting myself back.
And I put up with this shit from his family because I loved him and thought we had a future.... and then he waltzes off (back to his parents) saying "I don't find you attractive" amongst other pleasant things.
SHIT BAG!!!

While the stories on here are horrifying, it has made me realize I am not alone and that other strong, intelligent and lovely caring women have been dumped in the same way - so it isn't that I am a worthless person.

No. It absolutely isn't you @carrotflinger. It is all him.

It may be mean, but I find it a bit comforting thinking about the gorgeous, talented celebrities that get cheated on - it is not about you. It's not that you are not enough. It is all about them. Really it is.

They don't appreciate the love we lavish on them until it's too late. They don't appreciate that we know them inside out and love them warts and all.

They run away to someone who hasn't yet found the warts!

And I know what you mean about the family thing. My friends always go out to the pub on Christmas Eve. I'm obviously not going this year, but I know he will. I hate the idea of him taking his new gf.

Although, our friends are almost universally disapproving, so he may not dare.

Although, when they meet her they will probably like her and then forgive him.

It's so painful.

How is everyone doing today?

In using this to find some strength today, wish I was in the Christmas spirit but I’m just not!

The STBX called me earlier, he’d received come paperwork about me buying him out the house and didn’t understand it.. I said I didn’t really understand what he wanted me to do but he should probably sit down and read it properly! I then got this message..

“Think I understand it all now, do I just need to sign and send back? I found the wedding card you wrote me last night when I was sorting out some stuff 😢 This is such a mess, it’s doing my head in, i hate what i have done, I have been so selfish and you should hate me. In time you will understand more that I just wasn’t good enough for you, I do love you but you deserve more and I know you are finding that hard to believe right now but in time you will see. Take care & speak soon x”

WTF does that even mean? Honestly he baffles me.

@missbee90
What a twat.
Why do they say things like that?! Does he think it makes him the good guy if he left because 'you're too good for him'? Like he did you a favour?!

Arsehole. He shouldn't be messing with your head like that. It's just totally selfish and unfair.

@brainache78 - You’re spot on, all he has ever said to me, mutual friends and family is that he’s doing me a favour and one day I’ll realise that he wasn’t good enough.

Bizarre.Twat.

How are today? Xx

You all seem to hear from your exes, not saying it's easier or better but mine just seemes to have disappeared off the face off the earth lol. He only moved a road away and he won't get his post that he left or any other stuff he left and took 4 months to get his boxes of stuff. I must be that bloody awful that I'm not even worth a goodbye.

@sausage101 - I doubt I would hear from him unless we had the house to sort out and he wasn’t in desperate need of the money he has tied up in it (I put the deposit in to the house but because he’s on the deeds and paid half the mortgage for 5 years he’s entitled to half the equity which is £50,000 - FML).

I agree with you that I don’t know if it’s better or worse to hear but what I do know it that’s it’s not because you’re awful, it’s because he can’t face you and the mess he’s probably caused & finds it easier to just ignore it. Mine even admitted that he tries to pretend none of this is happening and that he just buries his head in the sand... mature approach.

It's really sad, I actually don't hate him, I just hate that that had to be our end, sad that he had little respect for me at the end. I wrote him a letter when he left, just to have no regrets of anything left unsaid. Not a word from him. Even if he had said I love someone else now but thank you, that would have been enough. It really makes you feel worthless.

Sorry to moan, I had a bad few days, I was admitted to hospital after being quite ill with stress from all this. Thought I was about to pop my clogs but it was anaemia and low blood pressure/stress.

Hope you're all okay, look forward to the new year and making new plans. xx

And reading that back I think maybe I set the bar too low!!

Oh @Sausage101! I'm so sorry. You are really going through it.

I think he's probably just a coward and doesn't want to acknowledge what he's done and what he's lost. It is his loss - honestly, it is.

I'm ok. Feeling quite positive still. Looking forward to my little holiday. I go tomorrow and I'm so excited!

I also have a phone date with potential new man tonight. We have been messaging a lot and we're going to talk tonight and then plan to meet up if we get on well. That is helping.

Keep taking, @Sausage101. I am here for you.

Thank you @brainache78

Yeah bit of a rough old year, can only get better! Thanks for listening. :)

Yeah it is very strange, even if they leave I don't know why they can't say thanks for the good times or goodbye or anything. Surely it can't all have been an act!

Oooh, enjoy your holiday, I'm still thinking of somewhere to go in the new year.

Good luck with the phone date! My closeset bit of action was a good looking guy taking my bloods haha. I'm sure that will be it for a while lol.

@missbee90 - mine also spun that "You're too good for me. You deserve someone better" line. They don't really mean it - they actually think they are fab and can have any woman they want etcetc. They just say stuff like that to try to make out they are a "good" person "doing you a favour" "freeing you to be with someone who deserves you". It's utter bullshit.

@Sausage101 - sorry you are having a really bad time. I haven't heard from mine since the car key incident. I sometimes do think, how could he just brush me off and forget about me so easily (well, through alcohol and prostitutes apparently).
I prefer not hearing from my ex than having him phoning and spouting a load of bollocks like he did the last time he left, promising the world if he could come back.

I hope you feel better soon - it's awful that you've been under so much stress you ended up in hospital.
What are you doing over Christmas? Do you have a few relaxing days planned?