Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

I meant lol

Reading your stories and sending you all lots of strength.

Been through a core-shaking heartache too in mt time so it's like I am re-reading myself. But the difference is, I realise that I am over it. So I just know you all will be too. And not in 10 years but much sooner.

A good friend of mine who's gone through the similar shit with an ex said: Once you can say to go to hell to the love of your life, nothing will ever scare you again.

Xxxx

Thank you, Mandala. That is a really helpful perspective.

Still no contact. I'm doing really well.

I've even dipped my toe into a dating app and have been chatting to someone really interesting. I think he has the potential to be a good friend - we have already discovered loads in common.

I'm not looking for a rebound fling, but I figured there was no harm in just proving to myself that life and love isn't over and if I make a couple of new friends, that's good too. I've been clear that I'm taking things slowly and not looking for anything serious. I'm going to meet up with this chap some time after Christmas.

I tried to imagine kissing someone new - and my stomach did a flip (in a bad way) and alarms went off in my head saying 'no! Too soon! You are still in love with fuckwit' and I am - and I'm not ready for that.

It isn't doing any harm to meet some new gig buddies - he has already given me some good book recommendations for my holiday.

Life goes on.
X

Thanks Mandala - lovely, helpful post.

Brainache - you're doing really well... much much better than last week even!

I am ok. Had a great success last night - something musical. It's something I've been working towards for 6 years. Don't want to out myself! Anyway, at the pub afterwards everyone was lovely to me and I realized that if my ex had been there he would have brought me down in the car afterwards instead of celebrating. So I'm glad he has left this group - he used to play in it too.

Then again, today, I was working and had a sudden moment of missing the great times with him and I nearly burst into tears.

@brainache
Wow! Well done to you. Very positive steps. See, stronger than you think.

Hi Ladies!
I hope you don’t mind me jumping on this thread but in a similar situation to most of you.

11 years together, 1 year married, owned a house and in July he got in to bed with me and quite simply told me he didn’t think he loved me anymore and moved out 2 days later. Honestly mine could also have won an Oscar for his performance of love.. we had just returned from an amazing holiday where HE spent the entire time convincing me we were ready for a baby and even text me the morning he decided to break up with me telling me how much he loved me...

Much like you @brainache we had a good relationship, envy of friends and had a good solid life together.. he was a little selfish and this year hasn’t treated me the way a husband should (lied about money, screamed at me infront of friends etc) none of this had ever happened before but I can see now he was either trying to push me away or he just become a bit of a pr*ck.

Again like you, he would cry whenever we saw eachother or spoke and send me messages saying how I’ll alwaus be the love of his life and how he’s sorry he can’t be the man I deserve oh and my personal favourite “I didn’t realise how much you loved me until I left” I MARRIED YOU A YEAR AGO YOU IGNORANT POOHEAD.

I found out he was seeing someone else 8 weeks after leaving me .. I don’t think their was any overlap... friends were at the party he met her but quite frankly I don’t really care, I still think it’s pretty poor form either way.

5 months on .. no I’m not healed, yes I still think about him as soon as I wake up but I know I could never go back there, he ripped my heart out and I could never trust him again.

I’ve blocked all contact now as I know it’s the only way to heal and I’ve asked the solicitors to contact him directly re me buying him out the house and divorce (Yup I’m having to sort all the admin out despite it being his choice to leave .. he received 1 form a few weeks ago and messaged me saying he didn’t understand it and could I help him complete it!? Erm No, ask your mum or your new squeeze for god sake.

Honestly some days I don’t know how I haven’t gone bonkers or screamed in his face but what I tell myself is I’ve lost all respect for him and I refuse to loose it for myself.

I try to remember this .. WE lost someone who didn’t love or care enough.. THEY lost someone who would’ve moved the world for them .. who’s the real winner here..?

Sending you love - we got this! Xx

Hi ladies Can I jump in and share my story

I was with My ex for 10 months when he sent me a message to say he wasn't happy and didn't want to continue the relationship. At 24 at the time he was my very first relationship and I was heartbroken. The same night he was tagged on pictures on Facebook with a girl he was seeing behind my back. To make matters worse I found out I was pregnant days later , told him and he didn't want anything to do with the baby. Six years later today, he's married to the girl and is having a happy family life with his stepson and the daughter they have together but still hasn't met our son.
I have not been able to trust anyone besides why would anyone want to be with me. I was the problem which is why he left and doesn't want anything to do with his son because of me and he got his happy ending .
Sorry for the long thread. Just thought I would share my story.

Oh missbee..what an arse..
I just don’t get it with some men, I really don’t..and worst mistake...you’ve got a lovely son.
He might be your worst mistake...but your ex has made the biggest mistake of his life
Why?
Because hisnew relationship is built on a tissue of lies..and it will come back to bite him on the bum at some point.

@youaremyworstmistake It's sad that you think that, he may appear happy but lots of people do. And that is not a happy ending for him, that will eat away at him over the years not seeing his son.

@missbee90 exactly to your last line x

Sorry pressed post too soon.

That was only in July? @missbee90 same timeline as me. That's what I find shocking too, the deceit and as you say the oscar winning performance. Apparently my ex had never loved me. I am waiting for his face to pop up on the tv as i am convinced he could be the next big actor.

Apparetly he could talk to this new girl but couldn't talk to me. I thought well I'm sure it's all lovely and easy to talk when you only see each other at work and on nights out. Ugh.

@sausage101 Yep this all happened in July.. he left 8 days after our first wedding anniversary .. even in the anniversary card he wrote “You’ll never know quite how much I love you and I’ll never know what I did to deserve to have you, I promise to make you feel special everyday of our lives”

And then left 8 days later! Mental, maybe were see them on Eastendere soon!!

Youaremyworstmistake I very much hope you didn't mean the 'why would anyone want to be with me' statement.

You were not the problem. Truly. It was him. All him.

He may seem happy, but he has lost out on your DS and he will be sorry.

No contact today.

My poor sister has found out today that her partner (and father of their 18 month old DD) has been cheating since September. It really is unreal. My poor Mum must be wondering how we are choosing these useless men. I am raging on her behalf.

I don't think I will ever trust another bloody man as long as I live.

Oh god, what is it with people who cheat? They do not think about, or care about the far reaching consequences. Your poor sister, right before fucking Xmas. What a bastard.

My daughter recently found out the man she had allowed back into her and her precious son's lives had got some other girl pregnant with twins! He stupidly left all the evidence on his phone. Why do the idiots never delete stuff? His response was that he didn't care about the other woman, it was just sex. Oh, that's ok then.

Now he will be spending his Xmas alone, while we pick up the pieces of my daughters broken heart. Not easy with a broken heart myself.

@missbee90 That's awful, really sorry :( Yeah I had that too, I think he was seeing her in February and I got all the cards for valentines/anniversary saying I want to spend the next 50 years with you and all this. That really hurts, all the lies.

@brainache78 Sorry to hear about your sister, :O I'm put right off too now. I'm resigned to living with rescue animals, I don't know if I could put myself through any of this again.

It’s crazy how many of us are going through this! I don’t think my STBX (I prefer calling him my “practice husband” as I’m 28 and childless and really want a family unit one day!) chested but I think he got very very close which is why he left.

We can only hope that this time next year we all look back on this thread and say goddd if only we knew what we know now!! Xx

The thing that shocks me is how many have us have had absolutely no idea what was coming - our 'D'Ps were all full of love and blah blah, in some cases even on the same day and then BOOM - "Bye, I'm off. I've been having doubts for ages".

I sent my ex a text shortly after he left saying basically, ok so you don't want to be in the relationship any more and everyone has the right to say that they don't want to be in a relationship anymore but that I thought that after 5 years I deserved more respect than him just flitting off with all of his stuff without talking to me about it properly. Especially as he had been all lovey dovey on holiday the week before and wanted to get married next year!

THere seem to be a lot of men around like him.

@Brainache78 - how awful for your sister and just before Christmas too.

@brainache78 sorry to hear about your sister . She is lucky to have you all to support her through all that she's going through.

To everyone else who has shared their heart breaking story, I am sorry for what you went through.

A colleague of mine had a fiance - planned to marry. One day she got an unbearable headache. It was so bad, he brought her to the hospital. They kept her there - it was a leaking blood vessel in the brain - required operation. During the Surgery the vessel burst, it was very dramatic, looked for days she might remain a vegetable - but no, she finally woke up fully sentient, under the loving gaze of her fiance who had watched over her all the time and, happy she could communicate again, told her he was breaking up. He had realized in those weeks that life was too short. And that was that.

OMFG! That is just shocking. How do some people live with themselves? The lack of morals and common decency these days is quite terrifying.

Good God deep. That is absolutely appalling.
"He had realized that life was too short" - yeah, he was a shitbag who decided that "in sickness and health" didn't apply to him and therefore decided not to marry because you can't just say "for better, for richer, in health" at the wedding.....
I felt that my ex would have done something like that if I had ever become very ill - and that was a feeling I had before he did off. He never offered any kind of emotional support or practical help. If I was anything less than top fit he wasn't interested.

How is your colleague now deep?

carrot This must have been about 8 years ago. Colleague went through a (relatively)‚wild‘ phase, but then met a guy, with whom she settled down, married (no kids yet), and they are very, very happy from what I gather.
I think, even though it was a big shock, when you‘ve been so close to death you appreciate what you have (she fully recovered, against all odds, and quite fast too, within a couple of months I believe, the doctors called it a ‚small miracle‘. She was very lucky.)

But it sure took her a year or more to get over this betrayal.

Just wondering if anyone has gone though the whole break up thing with a abusive ex.. But I miss him so much I can’t stop thinking about him every minute of the day it’s been 9 weeks since I actually physically seen him and only two weeks since I last spoke to him, it got very ugly between us the things he did and said to me are unforgivable. He moved to a different town but would still phone and say he loved me all the rest of it one minute then the next call me a freak and strange..the excuse was I phoned to much or I was constantly on his back, I did accuse him of cheating on me quite a lot but it was only because he stopped showing me or even trying to love me, my heads all over the place I have tryed to keep busy with Christmas coming up but I still cry everyday am still wondering if he’s thinking of me etc,he’s been caught by the police and now is in jail i don’t no where I don’t no why but I know he will be blaming me, he blamed me for the relationship break down he blamed me for well actually everything that went wrong not just him his whole family aswell they don’t like me they think I’ve manged to do everything that’s happened on my own... I have a child with this man,I can’t get my head around the fact he hasn’t tryed to get in contact, partly am thinking over the child but a big part am really pineing for him. I just can’t seem to focus on anything 😭

Mine was cheating whilst I was recovering from a pretty serious injury. I wonder if he thought life was too short as well.

Came across this thread by accident, or coincidence. Maybe fate. Sorry this is long!

My partner of almost a decade announced a couple of months ago that he had been 'miserable' for at least the last couple of years and no longer loves me, having been 'talking' online for a couple of weeks to the sister of an old friend who was at the time only a few days out of the end of her own relationship. He insisted at first he was just helping her cope with her breakup but as we've never had anything to hide from each other, I saw a load of the messages between them and oh my Lord it was a nauseating experience; not just because of the content of the messages (and photos) to each other but because of the way they were both talking about me. She doesn't know me, has never met me and I swear to God I hope she never does.

I am totally heartbroken; the more so because he is a man devoid of artifice (or even tact) and I know the 'being miserable' stuff is bollocks. It's been a tough few years for me, the last 18 months particularly so, and he decides to heap this crap on me while I'm struggling with the emotional and administrative fallout of my mother's death (in March) and an ongoing battle with the DWP (I have a lifelong, progressive illness but have been miraculously 'cured' by the assessors and am currently awaiting a date for my tribunal hearing).

We don't live together; he's a hundred miles away but we've spent as much time together as possible in the last ten years. We own a dog together. He is my next of kin on my medical records, as I've now no family. There are literally thousands of photos of him and of us doing 'couple-y' things and looking happy. Apparently though he thought I didn't love him and thought we had no future. Whereas somebody he hasn't seen for fifteen years who sends him nude photos within a few days of the end of her own relationship is a much better bet, obviously. And a man who's never backwards in saying exactly how he feels about anything and everything didn't think to talk about things earlier, if he wasn't happy?

The stupid thing is the problems he claims have caused him to stray were the easiest to solve of any that we've faced if only they'd been raised and talked about.

We still talk every day, have been seeing each other regularly and we'll be together at Christmas. He has said he's not going anywhere, he misses me... All the things. We've never argued and have had up till now a good relationship, the best I've known. We're aware and understanding of each other's shortcomings. Or so I thought. I also thought, it seems like everybody else in this position, that he was 'different from all the rest' and he'd never given me any reason to doubt him at all before now. I feel in a curious limbo, as if I'm on some sort of 'probation' or attending an audition. Will it properly end, or will it carry on? If it carries on, can we ever be what we were before? I know I can't trust him, now, and he was the most trustworthy person I've ever known.

It's quite shocking reading this thread and finding that this is 'a thing' that men do. Another male friend told me that men are basically idiots and after a little while realise what they've lost in going for the greener grass but I'm still so shocked at how little he apparently thought of me, and that 'my' man would do such a thing.

As other posters have said, so much waste, so many lives blighted. If we do split up, I'll be almost completely alone. But is that worse than waiting for the next betrayal?

Hello @Shambolical1. Pull up a chair.
Come and join us.

I'm sorry that you have had a nasty shock too - from someone you trusted. It's really awful, but I have had so much support on here and I am so pleased that my thread has become a sanctuary for the broken-hearted. Stay around and we'll try to support you too.

The pain drips off your post. I'm so sorry. He has been so very unfair to you.