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Original poster

'Flirty' texts to my partner - yes/no?

146 replies

katy78 · 30/11/2018 11:22

Hi, I recently wrote this post yesterday about not knowing what to do about my boyfriend wanting to continue cycling with a woman I perceived interested in him (due to her texts) and me wanting him to stop: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3437896-Clash-of-boundaries-how-to-proceed

Some of you wanted to know what the texts said so I thought I would post to ask your opinions. I didn't mention last time that my partner is 32 and this woman is single and 50. However, while that may change some of your views, I should mention my partner has had sexual relations with a 50 year old before when he was 25. Please also bare in mind this is a brand new friendship they hardly know each other at work as they work in different departments.

So they went on a time trial (first cycle ever together). Afterwards:

Woman: Hey, thanks for cheering up my miserable mood last night. You're a good un! x
Partner: No problem, thanks for inviting me. I enjoyed it myself despite struggling to keep up. I've checked my calandar and I'm free on the 9th September x
Woman: He he! Good! Excellent news, you'll love this route.
My partner did not reply

Two days later
Woman: Hey, went for a swim last night - first time since about May :o lung capacity is terrible! More swims required x
My partner did not reply

9th September after their first cycle 1:1 that lasted 6 hours
Woman: Ta for today, it was fun! x
My partner: Yeah I enjoyed it myself too, looking forward to going out again
Woman: Absolutely me too. Proper overfilled my bath and nearly flooded the house! I haven't done any work but it's Sunday, tomorrow is workday x
My partner did not reply.

They scheduled to cycle 1:1 5 days later. On the day:
My partner: Shall we rearrange today? Forecast isn't great.
Woman: I know - its not great in the rain is it? We'll do it one day next week instead :-) have a good weekend in (city family lives in)
My partner did not reply.
An hour later woman texts again: Blood weather! I was looking forward to seeing you :-/ x
My partner phones me and reads that text out to me as he thinks it's strange. I say its strange and I am surprised (I had never thought anything of this woman until this phone call). My partner downplays it.
5 hours later my partner texts back: I know I was looking forward to it, we could do a weekday next week after I finish work? although I can't do Wednesday x
Woman: Tuesday, weather permitting? x
My partner: Yes sounds good, shall I get to yours straight from work at about 5.30pm?
Woman: Yes definitely, I shall be ready for you x
My partner doesn't reply
Woman texts again: Did you have a good journey over to (city family lives in)?
My partner: Yes good thanks there wasn't too much traffic, how was your away day?
Woman: send three mundane texts about her away day
My partner does not reply

OP posts:
Iloveeating · 30/11/2018 11:26

I wouldn't be happy with that

user1479305498 · 30/11/2018 11:32

It’s all quite mundane, it’s the fact she is investing too much time into ‘looking forward to it’ , I don’t think your husband is out of order, I think she is just a bit needy and maybe fancies him , he is out of order though if it upsets you and he doesn’t cut it back

Iooselipssinkships · 30/11/2018 11:34

I think it's more her trying to engage him into conversation.
He's even told you about the one where she says she was looking forward to seeing him.
I dunno, I wouldn't be too alarmed by this but I think it's obvious she's into him although I'm not sure it's reciprocated. I haven't read your other thread though.

SinglePringle · 30/11/2018 11:35

There is absolutely nothing flirty in those texts. Two mates, with a shared interest having a chat. Sometimes I initiate (or finish) a text conversation, sometimes I don’t reply. To shock ‘taken’ men. Neither option means I am after the man in question.

And I am single knocking on 50...

Original poster
katy78 · 30/11/2018 11:35

Yes I am not concerned that he is flirting - my issue is I think SHE is flirting and due to this, I don't think he should continue cycling with her. However, he thinks she is NOT flirting and she is just being friendly, therefore he wants to continue cycling with her.

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 30/11/2018 11:36

She does not appear to be flirting in any way at all.

‘How was your journey’ and ‘looking forward to our cycle’ are shit flanter...

FissionChips · 30/11/2018 11:37

She’s into him, he isn’t into her. Sounds like it’s just taken a while to dawn on him.

Original poster
katy78 · 30/11/2018 11:38

Specifically, what I found weird was he cancelled cycling, she said OK lets rearrange for next week. He didn't reply and she text AGAIN saying "Bloody weather! I was looking forward to seeing you :-/" I couldn't understand why she would send that. The conversation was over they had rescheduled. Why did she need to text again to say she was looking forward to seeing him when she hardly knows him, they had only cycled together twice at this point.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 30/11/2018 11:40

I wouldn't say they were overly flirty but I wouldn't be happy about it plus I don't like all the kisses either :p

Original poster
katy78 · 30/11/2018 11:41

My point on the previous thread was - yes the text is subtle but it needs to be - as she needs wiggle room to back out should she be confronted. To me it's very subtely showing interest and it needs to be subtle so she can back out due to them working together and him having a partner!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 30/11/2018 11:46

Read your previous, so he's carrying this on despite you both arguing about it constantly, he knows she fancies him, invites him in for cups of tea etc but yeah he continues it and continues to text her back.

Sorry OP, I think he's being pretty selfish, can he not go bloody cycling on his own or join a group, it's a bit ridiculous when it blatantly obvious she is being overly friendly and in turn the whole scenario is pissing you off, I bet he wouldn't like it if you were meeting up with some guy.

SinglePringle · 30/11/2018 11:46

Because they are friends, she enjoys his company and their shared interest. Why shouldn’t she be looking forward to seeing him?!

You want people to agree they’re flirting. Why?

user1479305498 · 30/11/2018 11:46

I don’t think they are flirty messages though OP, she’s just got poor boundaries about over communicating , I know someone the same, single mum who did a bit of work for us, used to text my H mundane shit morning noon and night , problem was though he didn’t have the balls to tell her to cut it and started hiding and deleting (however being the clever sneaky arse (not proud of it but seriously thought it was an affair)I had his whatsapp showing on my iPad using whatsapp web and it was much like what you had written, trivial crap whereby she constantly tried to initiate conversation, needless to say she doesn’t work for us now. I am sorry she was bored and needy but there are some people who just don’t get boundaries , friends of the opposite sex are nice but not if it gets to be a bit OTT

Original poster
katy78 · 30/11/2018 11:49

I guess flirty is the wrong word - my question is more do you think she has romantic feelings towards him based on these or completely platonic? From the replies it seems the verdict is split. The reason I am asking is because we are having horrific arguments about it and I don't know if I am in the wrong or he is. All I know is, this has made me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 30/11/2018 11:50

I don't think she's flirting. It's just banal interaction between two people with a shared hobby. I think she may be trying to make more of a friendship out of it but your boyfriend doesn't appear interested given he usually shuts the text exchange down by not replying. It doesn't mean she fancies him or is flirting with him. There's nothing flirty in the texts at all.

I work in a male dominated industry so over the years have plenty of men that I'm friends with through working with them. We have very similar text exchanges to the ones you've shared OP and I can assure you that there is no flirting involved. I'm sure they would be just as horrified as me at the suggestion. Men and women can be friends you know. Just because I'm friends with a man, it doesn't mean I want to get into his pants.

Flatasmytitties · 30/11/2018 11:55

She is absolutely flirting!

Trinity66 · 30/11/2018 11:55

I mean clearly you DP even thinks she's into him otherwise why would he have pointed out the message?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2018 11:55

Not at all flirty from your DP.
He seems to be being polite but distant.
He even let you know about the one he wasn't comfortable with.
This wouldn't worry me too much but I'd want to keep an eye on all texts she sends him.
Do you not ride?

MyUsername200 · 30/11/2018 11:57

I've just read your other thread and now this one. My first reaction to the texts was that she's flirting or at least sniffing around to see if your OH is interested. I wouldn't be feeling comfortable about it too OP.

Bp2boys · 30/11/2018 11:57

This reply has been deleted

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SinglePringle · 30/11/2018 12:00

Even if she were flirting (which I don’t think she is), so what? You can’t ‘steal’ someone who doesn’t want to be stolen...

chestylarue52 · 30/11/2018 12:01

When I was single I’d avoid sending messages like that to men I wasn’t romantically interested in. Particularly the ‘ i was looking forward to seeing you’. I’d have sent ‘I was looking forward to getting out for a ride’.

ThunderInMyHeart · 30/11/2018 12:02

I don’t think your DH is remotely in the wrong (other than he needs to cut the ‘x’ in his texts with her)

She’s pushing it though. Comes across as desperate.

It’s good he told you about that weird text but I’d want him to disengage further.

Sethis · 30/11/2018 12:05

This seems 100% fine apart from the 'looking forward to seeing you' line.

But even that sentence could easily have been used by someone who is just by nature very friendly.

I'd trust your husband, keep the communication lines open, and maybe ask him to make it abundantly clear to her next time they meet how happily married he is. Something like "Oh yeah, I did X with my wife last week, I really love her because..." or "Loads of my mates say they have x problem with their partners, but mine's amazing because..." etc etc

A few points dropped into the convo like that should be enough. If not then he needs to be more direct in rebuffing her if she keeps chasing him.

Trinity66 · 30/11/2018 12:07

I’d have sent ‘I was looking forward to getting out for a ride’.

going for a ride means something so different here in Ireland Grin Would definitely be flirting :p