Can I forgive DH in this unusual situation?

[BubbleFizz1]

I've never posted here before but I've seen such helpful support for others and now I'm hoping I can find that for myself. My DH and I have been together for nearly 17 truly happy years, married for 5. We have 3 DC aged 7 and under.

A few weeks ago my marriage was shaken in such an unforeseeable way. I found out that my DH and a long standing male friend/ex colleague have had a handful of sexual interactions over the last 10 years. This man joked about it to a mutual friend who told me. When confronted DH says it's been nothing more than a lingering fondle through clothes or underwear that became a 'running joke' and always happened when they were both heavily under the influence of alcohol (confirmed by friend). I've never been keen on said friend who cheats unashamedly and is known to have groped both other males and females inappropriately on nights out, but I'm not trying to minimise and DH has admitted that he initiated contact on 2 occasions. He insists there's no attraction on his part, there was no pleasure gained and that he's not bisexual. They no longer work together and the friend has moved away.

What are people's thoughts on this? Has he cheated on me? I love him with everything I have, he's been a model husband and father and ultimately want to stay with him but how do I begin to process the fact this has hurt me in a way I just never thought myself vulnerable to by him? I'm struggling to keep up the pretence that all is fine to family, friends and colleagues and how to communicate with DH after this. I know it's a very unusual situation but any advice is welcome. Thank you for reading.

I think that fact that the person is male is a bit of a red herring (unless your DP is in denial he is gay). How would you feel if he was behaving this way with a women.

You say you have been happily married for 5 years but for the last 10 he has been getting his sexual kicks with someone else.

Yes it’s cheating, it’s biundary crossing and being sexual with another person over a long period of time. You have every right to feel shocked and betrayed.

The onus is on your H to rebuild trust, to beg your forgiveness, to accept that if you want to stay together then he is in for a long haul of trust building and accepting blame.

If there was no pleasure, no attraction and he's not bisexual what was the reason for him doing it?

He's lying to you when he says there was no pleasure or attraction. He wouldnt have initiated it if that was the case.

If he's lying about that, he'll be lying about other stuff too.

Thank you for responding. It's good to have some feedback about the situation as I've not been able to speak to anyone in RL. I'd probably say the same things to someone if I had read this, it's so much harder to say them to yourself.

It’s very strange to initiate something that you then say you took no pleasure in. Why do it then? Seems very suspicious.

Seems others agree.

If you had done exactly the same as him with a male or female, would he consider that cheating?
Would you consider it cheating on him if you had done the same?
If you had snogged another man and let him fondle you through your underwear, would your DH have been OK with that?
Only you can know what your line or deal-breaker is.
And don't forget, cheaters ALWAYS minimise!!!!
And of course he is bi-sexual.
I have many long standing girlfriends. We sleep together etc... but NOTHING sexual has ever happened. Because I'm not that way inclined at all and neither are they.
Your DH however, is that way inclined!!!

If he wasn't bisexual he really wouldn't be happy with another man fondling his genitals!

He seems in deep denial about everything, as are you, really. He's by no means a model husband.

Also if he wasn't bisexual, he certainly wouldn't initiate fondling another man's genitals, either.

DH friends (used to) get blasted and grope each other a bit.
Have seen a snog which was quite funny.
Are they all repressed homosexuals? Dunno, maybe? Doubt it.
They used to play rugby if that sets the scene :/
I have also snogged a couple of girls while seriously pissed - I'm definitely straight.

What were the circs? If in a group and mucking around then - and he is in a group of hard drinking and not very boundaried friends - well some groups do this esp youngsters.

If alone then different kettle of fish entirely.

oh, genitals? I missed that.

No that's different. I missed that in the post.

Cheating, sorry.

I don't think he's necessarily bisexual. I've had the odd encounter with women while completely wasted and I'm definitely straight.

I'd consider your husband's behaviour to be disrespectful and cheating whether he's bisexual or not though.

If this happened with a female friend rather than a male friend, you wouldn't even be asking whether he had been cheating.

Dunno

When I snogged women it "didn't count" as I'm straight and so no sexual intent just being drunk / emotional / stuff.

I have seen DH mates cuddle up and feel his bum a bit, no worries, he's definitely not interested

Depends depends.

Depends on the situation entirely need more info.

He's not a model husband as you say, as he's fondling with another man!
Just asked my DH and he said if a
male friend was to touch his bits he would go berserk!

It's extremely sad for you, I can't imagine being in your shoes. You won't be able to trust him again will you now?
He is obviously attracted to men otherwise he wouldn't of done it, and you will never be able to satisfy that for him.

You deserve better than to go through this, especially with such a young family also!

@BubbleFizz1, I'm very sorry for your situation, you must feel bewildered. Your DH is a liar and a cheat, he has been at it, on occasion, for the last 10 years.
Don't keep this to yourself, you'll make yourself ill, it's a lot to bear alone. I suggest you confide in someone close and whom you trust, and who has your best interests at heart.
The man is a joke !
You may be surprised, now it's out, who was already aware.

Obviously this smashes the 'model' thing, I know that. I just wanted to convey that he's made me feel nothing but happy and cherished for 17 years before I found this out and it's come as a huge surprise. I do appreciate the honesty. For someone who mentioned it, that group of friends have known each other since they were teenagers and they're all very liberal and handsy with each other (think changing room mentality). The thought of if it was a woman has stuck with me. Lots to continue to think about.

I'm not really clear on what happened. Were they "encounters", as in they touched each other when they were alone? Or was it one of them grabbing the others crotch in a jokey/banter kind of way?

My boyfriend and his friend's give each other long, over exaggerated hugs and say they love each other when they leave or jokingly cuddle on the sofa. I wouldn't feel comfortable with him doing that with a female friend but with the guys it's just a silly thing they all do. I haven't seen any of them grab each others' crotch, but I could see that being done in a similar, jokey way. Could it just be something like that?

I cannot fathom why any straight man would let another man feel his cock and return the favour. He is bi OP, don't let him fob you off.

Thank you sugarpie. I feel like my world has crumbled and I don't know how to hold it together. I'm trying to be normal for our children but I just never thought this would be us. I will consider speaking to a friend.

Sorry, I don't agree. You've been together 17 years, happy home and 3 DC. Why would you throw all that away just because a a few drunken fumbles? You've spent all those years building up a life, is it all going to waste? Obviously you need to discuss it with him further - is he gay/bi? Maybe he's just still in the closet and hasn't admitted it to himself. Could you deal with that? Maybe it's all just a big laugh; men have got a strange sense of humour sometimes.

Whatever you feel about it, hit the roof. Hard. Or he'll see it as a pass to do it again. Hard.