Can I forgive DH in this unusual situation?

[BubbleFizz1]

I've never posted here before but I've seen such helpful support for others and now I'm hoping I can find that for myself. My DH and I have been together for nearly 17 truly happy years, married for 5. We have 3 DC aged 7 and under.

A few weeks ago my marriage was shaken in such an unforeseeable way. I found out that my DH and a long standing male friend/ex colleague have had a handful of sexual interactions over the last 10 years. This man joked about it to a mutual friend who told me. When confronted DH says it's been nothing more than a lingering fondle through clothes or underwear that became a 'running joke' and always happened when they were both heavily under the influence of alcohol (confirmed by friend). I've never been keen on said friend who cheats unashamedly and is known to have groped both other males and females inappropriately on nights out, but I'm not trying to minimise and DH has admitted that he initiated contact on 2 occasions. He insists there's no attraction on his part, there was no pleasure gained and that he's not bisexual. They no longer work together and the friend has moved away.

What are people's thoughts on this? Has he cheated on me? I love him with everything I have, he's been a model husband and father and ultimately want to stay with him but how do I begin to process the fact this has hurt me in a way I just never thought myself vulnerable to by him? I'm struggling to keep up the pretence that all is fine to family, friends and colleagues and how to communicate with DH after this. I know it's a very unusual situation but any advice is welcome. Thank you for reading.

Glad you had a good chat Bubble, I would react the same in your situation, it wouldn’t be the end of our marriage.

Get some individual counselling for yourself, as well as any you undertake with your husband. It will be invaluable as you carry on processing this to have someone trusted and experienced to offload to. Worth paying for. We're good on these threads but there's nothing like a professional.

Counselling? Seriously?! What is she going to say? My DH and his immature mates grab each others cocks and arses.

OP I don’t get it. What is there to forgive or rebuild? Surely either you accept this is just a stupid thing they do (did) and isn’t sexual OR you think it is sexual and he was ‘unfaithful’ It seems like you’re either in denial or are punishing him like he’s had an affair, when actually he’s just being a twat

IF you think there’s more to this than just some stupid laddish behaviour DO NOT brush this under the carpet and try to turn the clock back. It DOES NOT work.

If you try to ignore your TRUE feelings about this, you’ll really regret it.

‘No risk of a bastard’ reported racecar
Foul

Of course the penis stroke poke or boob honk is a thing. Maybe not in your particular circles, and maybe neither is folks greeting you with a “waaasssuuuppp” but I’m aware enough to think it does go on in some circles.

A bit like in the film “It’s a Wonderfull Life” where certain blokes greet one another with a “Heehaw”.

Why can't he answer your questions though?

Why can't he provide you with answers about how they were both in their underwear arousing each other over ten years?

I'm sorry to say, but there'll be more to come on this.

OP thank you for coming back and updating.

There's nothing wrong with deciding to give it another go, whatever some posters will say. You have your eyes open now. Is he doing everything he can to reassure you and regain your trust? Has he agreed not to see this particular "friend" again? If he won't give up the friend in order to save your marriage then he's telling you you're not that important to him. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

Please make sure you use a condom with him OP

BubbleFizz, bless you. Hope you two can work it out. However there has to be a limit to your patience, no-one will blame you if things don't go as you hope and you call it a day.

Right now, the important thing is for your husband to be totally honest and see you, not only as his wife, but as a good friend.

Have you asked DH to stop drinking on nights out?

Of course the penis stroke poke or boob honk is a thing. Maybe not in your particular circles, and maybe neither is folks greeting you with a “waaasssuuuppp” but I’m aware enough to think it does go on in some circles.

Who says wassuup?

I have seen 'lads' poke each other, in a more cruel way to have a joke around. That's not what happened here, the OP said herself, they were sexual interactions between the two of them that have spanned ten years, so much to warrant the other man making a joke of the OP's husband.

If it was a poke he does to all the lads, it wouldn't be remarkable by the man.

The husband has done a great job in minimising his sexual interactions with another man. But I echo the PP, condoms would be a must now for me.